Hey guys...uhm...I'm kind of iffy on...writing...i don't want to give it up but I'm very depressed lately and so...I have a hard time writing, but...my friend said it's a good way to let out my emotions.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone…

Moving from America, away from everything I knew, was not something I needed in my life. There was a reason I was seeing a therapist. I blame him, my stupid stepfather. He got a business job for Mercedes-Benz and had to move from our comfortable home in Germany. I don't get why he didn't just leave me at home. I don't want to live anywhere with him or my half brother, Ludwig and he knows that. I hated this so much, and I'm not just complaining like every other 16 year old girl in my moving situation. I really have had enough change.

"Why the fuck couldn't you just leave me in Germany?" I complained, dropping a box labeled "Bathroom" in the middle of the living room. "Because, you can't handle yourself, Julia. Watch your mouth around Ludwig." Heinrich warned me, opening one of the boxes for the kitchen. "He's not even down here, he's in his room." Heinrich ignored me. I rolled my eyes, "Heinrich. Am I going to need another therapist here?" The blonde man sighed as if he were irritated, "I don't know, Julia. I'm not going to pay for one, so no." I moved my hair over my shoulder as I followed him into the kitchen. It was bigger than our one at home. "Well, what the fuck am I going to do?" He set the box on the island counter, "Julia-Maria for the last time, enough of the language! Would you just go away somewhere?" I glared at him, willing him to burst into flames.

"You're not allowed to call me that." He shook his head and ignored me again. I clenched my fists, "I fucking hate you." I turned and left, going through the living room and up the stairs to what was now my room. "And stay up there!" Heinrich yelled up at me as I slammed my door. I'd already put all of my stuff in there, I just had yet to unpack it all. I flopped onto my uncovered bed and groaned loudly into the mattress. "Fucking- fuck fucking fuck!" I yelled into the white cotton. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the blank white ceiling. Moving here was bullshit. Giving me the smallest bedroom was bullshit. Ludwig was 7! He didn't need a big room!

I closed my eyes and put my arm over them. I wanted to go back home. I hated this, every bit of it. I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be in an unfamiliar place with him, and I didn't want to have to deal with all of this by myself. That's why I needed a therapist. This is why I needed a therapist.

With a loud groan, I sat up, located my phone and chickadee headphones, put them in my ears and blasted my music. I didn't come out of my room until my stomach growled enough that I thought it had started to eat itself. It was late, Heinrich was putting Ludwig to bed while I snuck downstairs to make a sandwich. I hated this place. I wanted to go home. Germany would always be home, our cottage style house just outside of town with my mother's garden will always be home. Not this place.

I sighed as I took my sandwich back to my room and started to unpack. School was starting soon and I wanted to be unpacked before then. So as I ate, I unpacked my clothes, having left them all on hangers or neatly folded because I have a lazy version of OCD. So I hung what needed to be in my much smaller closet and put the rest in my dresser. I then started to unpack my large selection of books. Even though I come off as arrogant, shallow, and self centered...I'm far from it. I like to read and I often keep journals. My mom always encouraged me to read and write to my heart's content, when ever I was sad or upset, I could find somewhere else to be without leaving.

When I finished setting up my bookshelf with trinkets and the three shelves stocked with books, in alphabetical order, I moved onto my bedding, which didn't take long then to my miscellaneous things. I had two boxes of this. By this time I had long since finished my sandwich and the night was passing by quickly. It was almost 3:00 in the morning but, I just wasn't tired. I put some of what Heinrich called, "useless junk" and "unnecessary buys" on my desk, filling the drawers with organized junk, as well as on my night stand. I plugged in my lamp, finally sitting down for the first time in three hours of going back and forth through boxes and moving other furniture to my liking. I pulled out a picture frame from the smaller box on my bed next to me; I knew what it was. Though it pained me to look at it, I had to. It was a picture of my mother, Juliessa Wolf. We looked so similar, Long silver hair, red eyes, pale skin.

My mother had a condition of albinism and I had taken after her. But even though she looked so different, it made her so beautiful, the scar on her cheek making no difference. I smiled softly as I looked at the photo, running my fingers over the glass. I loved my mother. I missed her more than I missed our home in Germany. She contracted cancer a few years ago, the doctors said, but there weren't many signs. It was after Ludwig was born, so she didn't go to the doctor often, otherwise they would have been able to find it. Then it hit really hard 7 months ago. She had a tumor in her brain, near her hippocampus. It affected her memory. She had a hard time remembering who we all were, but when I told her I was her little Julia-Maria, she would smile and say, "My Julia-Maria…? You look like a Julia-Maria...I loved that name...if I had a daughter, I wanted to name her that. You must be mine then…"

It really hurt to know she didn't remember me, but throughout our visits, she would start to, only to forget before our next meeting. Back then, we were still close, all of us. Heinrich would sit on one side of the bed and hold her hand while I did the same on the other side and Ludwig would sit on her lap. We were a family then. But when she finally died...we all fell apart. Heinrich takes care of me because my mother asked him to, otherwise I probably would have gone to my Uncle's. He doesn't even look at me anymore since she died. He used to call me his Prussian Jewel because he knew how much I love the old Kingdom. But now...everything between us has to be an argument.

I'm not going to admit that I miss calling him Vati, I miss him being a dad, I miss our family, but I do.

I set the picture on my nightstand. "When I get to know this place...I'm getting the fuck out." I said to myself, jumping when I heard Heinrich, "Good riddance." as he passed by my door, into his own room. That hurt, I could feel the stinging in my heart. I got up and closed my door, shut off the lights, crawled under my Prussian flag blanket that my mom made me and went to bed. Fuck him. Fuck this house. Fuck this country. Fuck my life.

A few days later, I started school. Nope. Nope. This isn't gonna work. Nope Nope. I hate it. I got there, the first thing someone brought up was how I looked. Other's joined in making remarks about how pale i was, why my hair was the color it was, and if I was a demon or something because my eyes were red. That was the majority of first block.

By lunch time, I was about to just give up and walk out when two guys sat down across from me at the table. "Hola!~ You're new here aren't you? Are you a freshman?" One of them asked. He had curly brown hair, a slight, slight tan and green eyes. I think he was Spanish. The other was blonde with blue eyes and the beginning of a goatee. "Uh, no, I'm a junior.I just moved here though." The blonde nudged his friend. "I told you!" He had a rather thick french I'm glad I'm not the only European here. "What's your name?" The blonde asked."Si! And where are you from?" the other butt in. "Uh, Julia.." I didn't let anyone call me Julia-Maria after my mom died. "I'm from Germany...Who are you?"

The Spaniard smiled, "I'm Antonio! This is Francis."

"I can introduce myself!" Francis defended. "Are you juniors too?" I asked. They nodded. "Hey, I wouldn't worry about what the other kids here think about you, ouai?(yeah?). Thier opinions don't matter." Francis said, leaning in a little, speaking in a lower voice. Antonio nodded with that forever-plastered-on smile. "Si! Francis taught me that the people who can accept you are the ones that matter. That's how we became friends!" I looked at them as if they were speaking pig latin. "Why are you guys telling me this…?"

"Well, we saw-" Francis started, being interrupted by Antonio, "And heard!"

"Oui, oui, and heard, what the others were saying about you. We wanted to come up and meet you." They did? Well...that did make me feel a little happier. "Well...Danke. Did anyone bully you before?" I asked them. They both nodded again. Antonio was the first to speak, "I'm gay. A lot of people don't like that, and I used to get bullied pretty bad for it. But now they all leave me alone because I don't let them get to me!" He beamed. I smiled at his enthusiasm. "You're gay?" I asked, warily. I was gay, and the only person who knew was my mother. I knew if Heinrich figured it out...ugh. But I didn't think you could just outright admit it in America. There were a lot of gays in Germany, but, as the internet tells me, America wasn't as accepting just yet.

Antonio nodded, "Si, I really like this little sophomore, his name is Lovino. He's really adorable and so- what did Kiku call it?" he looked at Francis for an answer, "Tsundere." was supplied by the frenchman. "Yeah! tsundere! Like he's all super tough and rude on the outside, but I know he's super cute and soft on the inside! I've had a crush on him since my sophomore year. I am just trying to work up the courage to ask him out because I don't know if he's gay too." Francis scoffed, his arms crossed, "Oh, no he's gay. He's too stylish to be straight!" Antonio laughed. I smiled. These guys were pretty cool. They weren't afraid to be themselves and I liked that. I think we could become pretty good friends. "What about you? Do you know your sexual orientation?" Antonio asked with a smile. I looked down at my plate. "Well..yeah...but.." Francis gave me a knowing smile, "You're gay aren't you? It's okay! C'est d'accord! (it's okay!) We like you even if you're gay. I mean look at Toni." He jutted a thumb over at the Spaniard, only said Spaniard had disappeared. "Where did he..-" I looked around the cafeteria, spotting Antonio talking to a bored looking boy with a wayward curl.

"Ohhh…" I was confused, "Who's that?"
"That's Lovino, Antonio's crush." I smiled then. That was sweet to watch. Antonio seemed happy to be talking to Lovino. I watched their conversation with Francis for a while. Lovino started to laugh then walked away. We were both confused as we watched Antonio rub his neck and walk out of the cafeteria in the opposite direction.

I walked home alone, Heinrich didn't want to pick me up. It wasn't new. When I got home, he was helping Ludwig with his homework in the kitchen, he'd started school earlier than me. I remember when he used to do that with me. Then I remembered what my new friends said during lunch. "If you don't let them get to you, they don't bother you." I took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen, "Hi vati, hey Lud, I'm home." I tried a smile. Ludwig turned around in acknowledgement, but Heinrich didn't. "I made new friends." I tried again. "That's great Julia,we're busy." he said. Ouch. "Well, do you think I could tell you about it later?" He sighed, "Julia I really don't care, just go to your room or something." Okay, yeah..that got to me. But I forced a smile to show him he wasn't going to see how much he hurt me with those words. "Okay, Vati, see you guys later." He wasn't my Vati anymore. He was just Heinrich Beilschmidt.

I ran upstairs, closed my door, dropped my bag and held back the depression I felt.I sat on the edge of my bed and picked up the picture of my mom. "Hey Mutti. I had an okay first day! I made two new friends, Francis and Antonio! They're really nice and accept me even though I look weird and that I'm gay!" Droplets plopped onto the glass surface protecting the photo. Where did those come from? Why was my vision blurring? I'd started to cry and those droplets were tears. "Mommy...why can't you be here…? Why did you leave me with him..? He doesn't care about me...he doesn't want me here…" I started to cry and no matter how hard I tried to stop, I couldn't. I hugged the photo to my chest and cried.

I didn't come out of my room the rest of the night, I just layed on my bed, hugging my teddy bear-sized chick named Gilbird. My mother had given it to me when I was young. I texted Antonio and Francis on and off before I managed to cry myself to sleep. I don't know how much more of this I could take without completely breaking down. I felt unwanted in my own family. Ludwig didn't even talk to me anymore, he just looked at me. Heinrich didn't want to be anywhere near me. My mom was dead back in Germany. I didn't know what I could do, or what there was to do. It hurt. It really just hurt to feel to utterly worthless, so completely helpless. So undeniably depressed. And even though I had new friends, I felt incredibly...alone.