Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.

I got this idea from the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. (Actually, there are three levels deeper; that alone should scare you.) You see, one of my... acquaintances, Villain-of-Awesome, dubbed me "the Legendary LittleBlueNayru of the Crack Pairings". And then, then this guy has the audacity to challenge the position he gave me himself!

So, I read his twoshot "So Close, Yet So Far", which was rather enjoyable, if I do say so myself. But I thought to myself, "This fool thinks he has the power of insanity and the power of will to overthrow me? Well, I've had this delicious little idea stewing on the back burner... I guess it's time to eat..."

Sorry, Vil. But you're going to have to do better than that.

FOXPILOT AND SOULDIN, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, READ NO FURTHER. If you thought I "dove off the deep end" last time, WELL...

Tingle Finally Triumphs

"Navi, dear, would you kindly get me some more of those lovely powder-cakes from earlier?" an anonymous asked, voice falsely sweet.

Grumbling, the blue fairy flew off, muttering obscenities about how those cakes were hard to get and harder to make, ignoring the piteous looks the other fairies sent her as she passed. Tatl pressed her hand lightly on Navi's shoulder as she passed, and Navi returned the smallest of smiles.

"No stalling, Tatl darling," came the voice, a constant earsore. Tatl cringed as her eardrums absorbed the sound. It was the sound of a wheezy, whiney voice trying too hard to sound smooth and alluring. As the description came into her head, she almost froze in midair, doubling over to vomit. In a second, Tael was at her side, holding onto her with worry.

"There's no need to worry about your dear sister, Tael. Now come over here and scratch my back."

Tael shivered as he heard the voice, and almost joined his nauseous sister at the order. However, not wanting to face what would certainly be a terrible, terrible punishment, he swallowed back his vomit and floated over to the (bossy, diminutive) man perched gluttonously on a disproportionately large throne, flew around the two Great Fairies giving him arm massages with looks of disgust, and glided around to view the man's back, breathing in heavily through his nostrils and trying hard not to think about his task.

Tingle sighed as the two Great Fairies of Kindness and Magic eased the knots out of his arms and cute little Tael worked on the itched just too far down his back to reach. Indicating for Leaf to give him another glass of Fairy Tears, he shifted the position of the Fairy Queen, perched stiffly in his lap, to reach the glass and take a hearty swig from it, some of the drink dribbling down his double chin. He handed the half-empty glass back to Leaf and snapped his fingers, prompting Neri, who was fanning him, and Ciela, who was cleaning his bare feet, to do their jobs faster. They responded immediately.

Tingle sighed in contentment. This...this was everything he had dreamed of and more. The land of fairies... was heaven! Even to a thirty-five-year-old man such as himself!

With a satisfied eye, he gazed around the clearing he occupied, one of the most secret parts of the forest in which the Kokiri lived; none of the forest children ever wandered here, and neither did the Skull Kids or Stalfos, because in truth this place was part of another realm entirely. It was the land of the fairies, the place they resided when they had no use or Kokiri companion to tie them to Hyrule. It was beautiful and green, trees drinking life, life, life, the air humming thickly with sweet mysterious forest magic even more thickly here than in the darkest glades of the Lost Woods. Ivy and oak, bush and grass and fern and pine, grew and grew and grew, no longer competing for the nutrients of the earth here but sharing them, and growing exponentially. And in this wonderful, magical forest lived all the fairies, perpetually floating through the greenery, leaving sparkles and dust behind them. The simplest, lowest fairies, nothing more than small fireflies flashing in seven colors, to the companion and healing fairies, to the three Orders of Great Fairies to the Fairy Queen herself.

And they were all his.

He smiled widely at this and allowed the euphoria and satisfaction to sweep over him. All the fairies, all their forest realm, was his. Just his. And to think it had only taken the world supply of Force Gems to get them to submit to him.

The entrance of his brother Knuckle pulled him out of his thoughts. "Your... highness..." his brother grit out, "Mr. Fairy is... ready."

Ah, finally. "Good, send the fairy boy in."

For the most part, the fairies in the glade looked nonplussed, but for those familiar with Hyrule's hero, they couldn't help but cringe and shiver, and despair for the poor child that had unwittingly gotten caught in Tingle's traps, spirited to their usurped homeland, and made just another pawn in Tingle's kind, but nonetheless highly disturbing, regime.

Knuckle walked out again, cursing the entire time. After a few moments, he returned, playing Saria's Song on a small ocarina, followed by David Jr. and Ankle on his flanks, both on flutes borrowed from the Skull Kids. After a moment, Link appeared behind them.

His usual hat had been stripped from his head, leaving his blond locks bare, but crowned with a wreath of flowers braided by several helpful fairies. His tunic, sometimes mocked as feminine, had nothing on his new attire; divested of tights, an even flimsier, looser skirt of reeds and grasses hung about his waist, a thin shirt woven of grasses and leaves covering his chest. He was even wearing quite girlish footwear in place of his usual leather boots. And still, that was not the worst of it.

Somehow, Ankle, Knuckle, and David Jr. had gotten some of the other fairies to get Link to grow a faint green around the edges, and protruding from his back were a pair of insect-like fairy wings; thin and delicate and glistening, and, in Tingle's kingly opinion, simply irresistible.

Tingle the Self-Proclaimed Overlord of Fairies pushed aside the servants worshipfully attending to him and jumped down from the throne, striding over to Link with a very frightening, look on his face; a dark look, one dripping with ulterior motives.

"Oh, Fairy Boy~" Tingle tried to purr as he approached a white-faced Link who stood on trembling legs, strangely looking like he was about to piss himself, "Come here and please the Fairy King. Come here, Titania, come to your Oberon..."

The entire multitude of fairies shuddered and looked away out of sympathy for the poor naïve Hero Link.

Tingle's magical land of fairies of which he was Self-Proclaimed Overlord was filled with horrified screams that day.

Tingle's a pimp. A short, stubby, thirty-five-year old pimp. Interested in Link.

And he's got all the Great Fairies from Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Wind Waker, and Twilight Princess, not to mention all the companion fairies and the Fairy Queen.

And no deus ex machina.

Rue this day, Villain of Awesome. Rue it.