I wrote this for a friend who really digs this ship. Essentially every time she did a homework assignment I'd write a page. Needless to say, it got super long though and is totally fluffy and harmless. It takes place a few weeks before entering sgrub. I am indeed still alive, so that's something :D I apologize profusely for my years and years being gone. Review if you like. Fanfiction really hates Tavros's brackets for some reason. I'm not even sure if people still go onto fanfiction anymore, but still.
Disclaimer: Nothing.
Tavros stares at his four wheeled device from where he sits in the corner. He's not sure if he's mad at it, scared or both. Months have passed since Vriska decided he needed to fly like Pupa Pan, and he knows deep down this is as good as it's going to get for him. His legs still don't work, and probably never will again, but at least he's going to live to see the culling fork.
Tavros flinches at the thought and moves his exhausted gaze down to his legs.
He can't even bend a toe, and the longer he sits and stares at the terrible chair, the weight in his chest becomes greater. Not even Rufio's voice of encouragement within his mind is enough to rouse what little self-esteem he possesses. A crippled troll is a dead troll and Tavros knows he doesn't want to die.
He lifts his head when he hears the notification chime from his open husktop. He almost forgot he had logged onto Trollian. A soft squeak sounds from just above Tavros's head, and Tinkerbull's head perks up from where he is curled atop the ramp that leads to Tavros's recupracoon. The tiny lusus flutters down to nudge Tavros's hand as if telling him he should talk to a friend.
Tavros agrees. At the very least he can find solace in a distraction. He pulls his husktop onto his lap and hopes to whatever gods or deities exist that it's not Vriska looking to antagonize him. He lets relief wash over him as he read the screen.
terminallyCapricious[TC] began trolling adiosToreador
TC: bEsT bRo! WhAt ThE MoThErFuCk iS hApPeNiNg? ReAdY tO gEt YoUr SlAm On? :o)
AT: hEY GAMZEE, i,,,sORT OF FELL OUT OF MY FOUR WHEELED DEVICE BUT DON'T WORRY i'M FINE }:)
TC: ShIt BrO, ThAt AiNt ChIlL :o(
AT: I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT,,,uH, vERY CHILL, nO,
TC: DoES a BrOtHeR hAvE tO mAkE hIs MoThErFuCkInG wAy Up tO yOUr PlAcE?
He truly is happy to hear from Gamzee, and he smiles a bit despite himself. Having a best friend will do that to you, though the sort of friendship he has with Gamzee is something he's been wanting to cultivate into something more. He just can't bring himself to muster the confidence. Being friends is one thing, but being a moirail is another.
Tavros's fingers hover with uncertainty over the keyboard. He can't just up and say, "Hey, I'm pale for you, let's be moirals and go for some grub sauce," no that won't do at all. He decides he needs to be more subtle, although what level of subtle is quite difficult for him to determine. Gamzee is spacy at best, completely lost in his own world at worst, and coupled with Tavros's own wall of nonexistent self-esteem, popping the moirail question was going to be tough.
AT: iF YOU WANTED TO, tHAT'S FINE,,,,bUT iSN'T IT A BIT LATE THOUGH? tHE SEADWELLERS TEND TO GET CRANKY AROUND DUSK.
TC: CaN't LeAvE a BrO hAnGiNg.
Tavros types and sends the message before he can properly think about it.
AT: aLRIGHT, bUT IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU, yOU'RE STAYING WITH ME FOR THE NIGHT. i DON'T WANT YOU TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK TO YOUR HIVE IN THE DARK. eSPECIALLY WHEN IT'S SO CLOSE TO THE OCEAN AND SAID CRANKY SEADWELLERS.
His cheeks burn when the brown text appears in the Trollian text box. He can hear Vriska's cruel cackle in the back of his head. What the ever loving fuck is wrong with him? He went from moping about his impending doom to thinking about filling a quadrant. Not only that, but if he confesses his pale feelings, and it goes badly, Gamzee is stuck in his hive for an entire night and probably the next day since he's not too keen on Gamzee being burned by the sun. That level of awkward isn't anything Tavros can bear to deal with. Then again, Gamzee might always say no.
TC: hAhA, oKaY MoThErFuCkEr :o)
terminallyCapricious [TC] has ceased trolling adiosToreador
Shit.
Okay, crisis is not averted. In fact, the crises is going to land on in his front door in about an hour. The resulting humiliation of his own incompetence will be doozy if he doesn't play his cards right. Tavros glances around his room nervously until he spots his deck of fiduspawn cards spread out on the floor. A sudden burst of rare determination blossoms within him. He's not good at much, but he's the fucking champ at playing cards.
He can do this.
Tinkerbull snorts and makes himself comfortable in Tavros's lap, his tiny legs curled up beneath him. Tavros lets one claw scratch around the little fairy bull's horns. He adores his lusus despite anything Vriska has to say. Tinkerbull has been by his side through thick and thin, and with the impending awkward heading his way, Tavros can't help but guiltily think of Gamzee's situation with his own lusus.
Tavros has never seen the elusive sea goat up close, for although he and Gamzee found out a while ago that their hives were within walking distance of each other, Tavros has never been there on the right day or handful of minutes Goatdad did decide to come to shore.
Gamzee doesn't like to talk about it. He says it makes him sad and being sad isn't a miracle, but Tavros can't miss it when sometimes Gamzee spaces out and his gaze drifts to the sea. The sheer loneliness that radiates off of him shuts out everyone and everything around him, Tavros included. Even when they're slamming poetry together Tavros always has the nagging thought in the back of his mind that Gamzee is just passing the time. Sure he has friends to talk to online, but Gamzee is ultimately alone, and the thought makes Tavros's blood pusher clench.
What's worse is he can't do anything about it because he's not Gamzee's moirail. He doesn't have the right to pap his friend's face or drag him to a pile so they can talk about their feelings. He can't hug Gamzee close like he wants to and pet that unruly mess of black hair until that terrible, oppressive loneliness is gone. He can't fix it. He's useless, just like Vriska always says.
They're friends, and all Tavros can do is wait and see if Gamzee wants to confide in him, which he never does. He just wants to rap and have fun, which is fine, but Tavros knows that there is no one there to take care of him when he logs off Trollian.
Outwardly Tavros sighs and ceases scratching Tinkerbull to put his face in his hands. He is so ridiculously pale for his best bro in the entire universe and it's embarrassing. He can't even shake his weird feelings for Vriska enough to stand up for himself. What makes him think he has any right to ask Gamzee to trust him with taking care of him?
Not only that, but is it inappropriate to ask a highblood to be in a quadrant with him at all? As much as Gamzee doesn't care about the hemospectrum, the rest of trollkind does. It is one thing if Gamzee pursued him, it would be considered an honor, but Tavros is on the second lowest tier of the blood caste system. Pursuing Gamzee in any quadrant might seem disrespectful, and again Tavros feels his will falter.
Yet, just as he's about to resign himself to forever being in Gamzee's friendzone, Tavros remembers he's an excellent card player. He needs to be confident, and admitting his feelings is the start, whether they are accepted or not. Although the thought of being rejected makes a lump rise in his throat and his eyes burn, he forces himself to smile, fangs and all.
Rejection is not the worst thing in the world. Regardless of quadrants, which to him are far too confusing, he will always be Gamzee's best bro. That isn't something changeable.
First things first, he needs to make an effort to get back into his four wheeled device. If he's going to woo the object of his pale affections, he figures being presentable will help his case rather than rolling around on the floor like a wriggler. Tavros sends a glare at one of the red and yellow host plushes that litter his respite block. The offending object caused this mess in the first place after it got stuck under one of his wheels. The abrupt stop caused him to slide out of his seat and right onto the floor in what Vriska would call "a boring pile of disappointment."
Tavros musters what shreds of confidence he has and starts to drag himself over to his device. Tinkerbull lets out a tiny sound of protest, but flutters out of Tavros's lap to make it easier on his charge. It's a lot of strain and effort on Tavros's part since his legs are deadweight, but after months of being a cripple, his arms are stronger, and he makes it. Now comes the hard part: actually dragging himself back into the device from the floor.
He makes a valiant effort, but in his confidence-fueled determination, he forgets to put on the emergency break. Tavros's struggle ends with him flat on his back and his four wheeled device upturned on top of him. He stares up at the ceiling in exasperation. Now he really does have to wait for Gamzee to show up.
It takes forever but he eventually hears a knock on his front door. Tinkerbull squeaks and flutters out of the room presumably to let Gamzee in. Tavros continues to stare up at the ceiling, curling his fingers against his palms as he tries to muster at least a little dignity and confidence. He manages, but the amount of both he acquires through his mental struggle is pitiful. It's hard to be dignified when you're sprawled on your back with an evil chair on top of you.
Tavros's pointed ears prick when he hears the familiar hum of Tinkerbull's wings, followed by footsteps. Moments later, Gamzee's face appears above him, his lips curled into an easy smile. Tinkerbull lands on Gamzee's shoulder and nuzzles the other troll's cheek.
"Well, fuck bro," Gamzee says, crouching down and draping his arms across his knees. "You weren't kidding when you said you up and fell out of your four wheeled device."
"Uh, this is actually a result of me, well, trying to get back in it." Tavros lets out a long suffering sigh. "Help?" he asks, letting his eyes grow large and almost teary for effect. Gamzee lets out a snicker and reaches over to pull the device off of Tavros before setting it back on its wheels.
"Tav, you know I can't resist it when you make that motherfucking face," he says. With the chair off of him, Tavros is able to sit up on his own. He turns and smiles at Gamzee, showing his fangs.
"Why do you think I do it?"
Gamzee sits down and leans against him, mindful of his horns. Tavros is aware this much physical touching between trolls not in quadrants with each other is considered odd, but he knows Gamzee needs this. He doesn't think twice about wrapping an arm around his friend's shoulders. They're uncomfortably bony, though he doubts sopor has any nutritional value even if it's in a pie. He's careful when he moves his head so he doesn't hit Gamzee in the face with his own massive horns, and affectionately nuzzles his nose into the other troll's tangled mess of hair.
It's a short simple gesture that simply says 'I missed you' without words.
The taller troll's lean body instantly relaxes against Tavros's side and a soft, ragged, purr sounds from the back of Gamzee's throat. "I think it's bitch tits wicked we're on the same team, my brother," Gamzee says. "My heart up and tells me this game ain't gonna be motherfucking easy." It takes Tavros a moment to figure out what he's talking about.
"O-Oh yeah," he pauses to clear his throat, "Karkat, uh, is really taking his leadership role seriously." He has no idea what this game has in store for them, but at the very least he and Gamzee are on the same side. He can't say he particularly likes Karkat, but he trusts the other troll's insane competitive streak to lead them to…something. Maybe not victory, but something.
"It's all he motherfucking talks about lately," Gamzee says. "It's actually kind of fucking cute."
Tavros forces a hollow laugh from his chest, but it feels like shards of ice have replaced his blood. That sounded pale. Jealousy rips through him so painfully he wants to double over on himself. Instead his arm subtly tightens around Gamzee's shoulders.
Thankfully Gamzee doesn't seem to take it as the possessive gesture it is, but as a perfectly innocent hug, for he returns it briefly.
"Glad you're here," Tavros says softly. "I, uh, need the company sometimes."
"Couldn't leave you sprawled out on the floor." Gamzee nudges him in the side with his sharp elbow. "That wouldn't be motherfucking right."
"Well, now that you're here," Tavros says. "How about we drop some strict beats?"
"Fuck yeah!" Gamzee says, his mouth stretching into a wide grin. "I got some new motherfucking rhymes in me that will bring forth rivers of emotional peanut butter from your ocular ducts!" Tavros can't help but think how terrifying that grin is going to be when Gamzee reaches adulthood, but for now it's actually sort of cute.
Gamzee helps him back into his four wheeled device and the two waste no time in starting their rap battle. Tavros can't help but listen intently to the sick rhymes Gamzee drops. If he could just barely brush that level of cool, then maybe he might be able to stand up to Vriska, or even get her to like him. He knows it's sort of sick the way his subconscious wants her approval. Even Rufio tells him not to talk to her, but Vriska is a force of nature, and as much as she's abused him, if he made her proud maybe that would prove he had more worth than the culling fork. Perhaps it would prove he was good enough to be Gamzee's moirail.
Gamzee is rapping about clowns and messiahs and Tavros doesn't get it. He never has, but the way Gamzee expresses himself through it is inspiring. Tavros wonders if part of Gamzee's odd religion is sort of like art. Clearly it led to creative practices such as the clown face paint and slam poetry. Tavros once thought about asking Gamzee to paint his face just out of curiosity, but decided better of it in case it was considered a sacred thing. Despite not sharing the same beliefs, the last thing Tavros wants is to insult something important to his friend.
He lets himself sway a bit to the rhythm of the beat, intent on Gamzee's performance. Gamzee masterfully weaves together his stanzas and it's hypnotic how much he animates. Grey eyes that will one day be as purple as his blood are wide and alive. His mouth moves rapidly, never stumbling over a word, and he moves his arms, one hand clutching an invisible microphone. Gamzee isn't one for movement. The sopor slime keeps him mellow and spacey, but not even the slime is enough to sedate the passion he has for his raps.
Tavros feels that pale pity again and swallows hard. This troll doesn't deserve to be lonely. He's a damn treasure, and Tavros can't help but feel that their group of friends takes him for granted. Sure Gamzee is absentminded, but fuck if he isn't the sweetest person Tavros has ever met. He deserves better. Tavros wants to give that to him.
"Yo, Tavbro, it's your turn." Gamzee's voice brings him out of his thoughts. The other troll is watching him curiously, his eyes half lidded once more. He makes a tossing motion to "throw" the invisible mic to Tavros, who "catches" it easily. "I brought the motherfuckin' flames, can you fan them with your fucking wings, bro?" Gamzee asks. "Turn these sick fires into an inferno that will make the mirthful messiahs weep! Honk!"
That's enough to spark the dormant competitive streak to Tavros's personality. He knows he's a shitty FLARPer, but since knowing Gamzee, he feels he's got enough talent in him to be a good rap partner.
Tavros realizes that he probably should have asked Karkat for advice, for when he finishes his last stanza and Gamzee is clapping wildly, something in Tavros's stomach lurches uncomfortably.
"Shit bro, that was amazing!" Gamzee says. "You blew my shit way the fuck out!" He lets out a few excited honks and continues to clap. Tavros feels his cheeks burn and rubs the back of his head.
"Ha, I don't know about that." He can't stop the prideful smirk tugging at his lips. "I mainly rhymed 'Pan' with 'can' and 'trying' with 'flying'."
"That's what I'm talking about!" Gamzee leans forward and braces his hands on the armrests of Tavros's four wheeled device. His eyes are lazy as normal, but there is a spark of excitement within them. As he smiles, his two sets of fangs jut out over his lower lip in a way that so charming Tavros can't help but smile back. "Tavros, your rhymes are so sick because you motherfucking reach for miracles!"
"Uh, I'm not sure what you mean, but I appreciate it," Tavros says. Gamzee usually doesn't elaborate on the strange things he says, but this time he seems determined to get his point across.
"Like flying," he says, standing up straight and spreading his arms. "The mirthful messiahs are what make me believe in motherfucking miracles and the vast honk that is to come." He sluggishly gestures to the various fairy posters that paper the walls of Tavros's respite block. "You believe in these babes with wings, and that wicked cool Pupa Pan motherfucker."
"I sure do." Tavros can hear the beginnings of eagerness in his own voice to hear what Gamzee wants to convey.
"The way I see your motherfucking rhymes, is that you fucking know what miracles you want to happen to you. You want to be able to spread some motherfucking wings and take the fuck off. Your rhymes tell me nothing will make you stop wishing for that motherfucking miracle." Gamzee pauses and lowers his arms, crossing them over his chest. Tavros waits for him to continue, but only silence follows. He figures his dear clown friend just spaced out, but then Gamzee starts talking again and the air becomes heavy. His voice is unusually cold, and deep hiss permeates beneath it. "Even after what she did to you."
Tavros immediately feels a strong sense of unease and his smile drops. He's heard all the stories of highbloods causing fear through psychic means, and he's never heard Gamzee hiss like this. It's dripping with suppressed rage, and it's so alien to Gamzee's character Tavros feels as if he's with a stranger.
"Gamzee..." He hates how weak his voice sounds.
"I'm so fucking sorry this happened to you, Tavros." There's no hiss this time. He just sounds sad. "I would give up all the miracles in the world for you to be able to kick your legs again." He doesn't say anything else, but he looks Tavros in the eyes, and for a moment Tavros is speechless. Not only does he look sad, but the downward curve of his mouth shows that he feels…angry. As if what Vriska did is a personal offense to him. It's weird and Tavros doesn't like it.
"Uh, hey." Tavros tentatively reaches out and takes one of Gamzee's hands in both of his. "Hey, you should, uh, not do that. You wouldn't have any of those miracles left for yourself, and isn't that vast honk thing you always talk about considered a miracle?"
Something in Gamzee's expression shifts. His eyes soften and he looks at Tavros as if seeing him for the first time. It's then overcome with a tender smile. Hope burns in Tavros's chest that maybe Gamzee will actually return his feelings.
"Heh, you're motherfucking right," Gamzee says. "Also, I could eat the fuck out of a slime pie, then how about you get your Pupa Pan on?"
"Get my Pupa Pan on? Wait, are you offering to actually rp with me?" Tavros asks incredulously as he releases the other troll's hand. Gamzee isn't one to role play. Usually he's too high to be a decent partner anyway.
"You all up and get your talk on about how you miss that motherfucking FLARP shit all the time." Gamzee shrugs. "Figure it can't hurt to help a brother out."
Sure enough, after Gamzee takes a slime pie from his sylladex and consumes the entire tin, he insists on taking the role of Troll Wendy.
"You're joking, right?" Tavros asks.
"Nah." Gamzee waves a hand. "You motherfucking gotta have something to save. Tinkerbull can all up and be your fairy sis." Green sopor still clings to the corners of his mouth, and without thinking, Tavros reaches up to wipe it away.
He regrets it as soon as his hand is on the side of Gamzee's face. Any troll with a functioning thinkpan would be horrified at this unwarranted and blatant pale advance. Tavros can't stop now though. He's already committed, and pulling away would just add to the awkward. His thumb gently works the slime away without smudging the careful lines of Gamzee's paint. Gamzee stares at him blankly, and Tavros can't read his expression. Most likely, he's going to back away, maybe even excuse himself from the room. Self-esteem crippled, Tavros averts his gaze and prepares for rejection.
Just as he's about to pull his hand away and stutter out an apology, he hears a ragged purr and looks up. Gamzee's eyes have closed and he's smiling serenely. The added weight to his hand also lets Tavros know that Gamzee's not just enjoying the touch, but leaning into it.
Relief overcomes him followed by a tsunami of affection and further encouragement from Rufio. Feeling a bit more brazen, he does the same with his other hand to clean off the rest of the slime. Gamzee's skin is cold to the touch, as is typical of a highblood, but Tavros doesn't mind. In fact, as a lowblood he runs so hot it feels nice. Judging from the purring, Gamzee feels the same way about the warmth.
"There," Tavros says after the last of the sopor is off Gamzee's face. He pulls his hands away and Gamzee blinks a few times as if startled by the sudden lack of contact. "You sure eat messily."
"I'm just so motherfucking hungry," Gamzee says. "Shit, it's like I see a delicious slime pie and it just all up and gets its wicked scent on, and my thinkpan tells me I need to motherfucking consume the fucker or it'll run away."
"At least you feel better," Tavros says. He wouldn't eat the stuff, but it's not his place to tell Gamzee what to do. He is just a friend after all.
"Yeah, the motherfucking chill is starting to seep back in," Gamzee says. "Now, you should get your Pupa Pan garb on, and we can start this wicked miracle play of ours."
Tavros does so. He admits he's missed the hat and the amount of green he pulls off, but unfortunately he doesn't have anything that would make a good costume for Troll Wendy. They decide to improvise and use Tavros's pink fairy table cloth as a dress by wrapping it around Gamzee like a toga. Gamzee also decides to forgo his clown make up and Tavros is touched by his willingness to commit to the role.
Tavros can count the number of times he's seen his friend's actual face on one hand. It's a shame his religion seems to call for him to cover it up, because Tavros thinks Gamzee has a rather nice face.
"Tavbro, you be motherfucking acting like you ain't ever seen an unpainted troll before."
Tavros realizes that he hasn't blinked since Gamzee walked back into his respite block with a clean face. His skin is a much lighter grey then most trolls, and the contrast with his black hair makes Tavros think he's going to have the prettiest Troll Wendy in paradox space.
"S-Sorry." Tavros swallows roughly. "I just don't really see your face that much or really...ever."
"The mirthful messiahs demand those faithful mark their total devotion to the coming of the vast honk and their arrival to the paradise planet which motherfucking proceeds it," Gamzee says matter-of-factly and so quickly it's like he's explained this every day of his life. He's not even looking at Tavros, instead walking around the room and collecting host plushies and tossing them on top of the recupracoon ramp. Tinkerbull flutters around his head curiously.
"Oh, is that why you never take it off?" Tavros asks.
"Only when I need to get my motherfucking sleep on." Gamzee gazes unfocusedly at the pile of plushies at the top of the ramp and seems proud of himself. He turns to look at Tavros and the fairy table cloth twirls like an actual skirt, exposing the white poka dots of his pants. "Way I see it though, is that tonight I'm with my coolest and best bro ever, and if I'm going to play my motherfucking part the right way, I need to motherfucking commit." He prods himself in the chest with his own thumb. "Shit, I'll just pray for repentance."
"Woah, Gamzee, I don't want you to get in trouble with your, uh, mirthful messiahs or whatever," Tavros says. "Seriously, compromising your admittedly funny religious beliefs for role play is a bit much."
"Aw, Tav, that's sweet you're so motherfucking concerned." Gamzee laughs and Tavros feels a blush creep up the back of his neck. "But it won't take much. Here watch."
Tavros does so with genuine concern as Gamzee puts his hands together and mutters a long prayer under his breath. He can't quite hear the words, but can make out a few 'motherfucks' and something about 'getting down with the clown.' When he's finished, Gamzee lifts the edge of the fairy table cloth to get to his pockets and withdraws a fistful of glittery powder. Then to Tavros's greater concern, he tosses it in his own face. "Ow." His eyes water slightly.
"Are you okay?" Tavros is unable to hide the slight alarm in his question.
"Yeah, the motherfucking burn of my special stardust will mark this motherfucker's wicked repentance for this most minor of transgressions." Gamzee rubs at his eyes and Tavros purses his lips guiltily.
"So, all is forgiven?"
"Honk! Sure is," Gamzee says. "Man, really though, I motherfucking appreciate you all letting me get my talk on about my wicked beliefs and shit."
"Well, of course I do," Tavros says. "I honestly like it when you slam or talk about it. I mean, I don't get or share your beliefs, like at all, but it makes you happy and, well, I guess that makes me happy too."
Gamzee doesn't answer and instead returns to arranging the host plushies around the room. He doesn't look directly at Tavros again, though for a brief second Tavros catches sight of the curve of the highblood's cheek and swears it looks purple.
"Alright, bro. All the pirates are ready to motherfucking capture my ass." Gamzee climbs to the top of Tavros's ramp and sits down, surrounding himself with the stuffed animals. He then clears his throat, thumps his chest a few times and cries out, "Help! Motherfucking help me, Pupa Pan!" Gamzee picks up one of the stuffed toys and bonks it against one of his horns. "These bitch ass fucking pirates are all up in my personal bubble!"
Tavros stifles a laugh. Gamzee is shitty at role playing, but hey, he's honestly putting in a good effort. It doesn't take much to get Tavros into the spirit as he wheels himself closer to the ramp.
"Hold on, Troll Wendy. I'll save you!"
"They're gonna make me walk the motherfucking plank or some shit! Feed me to that wicked crocodile lusus of their motherfucking captain!" Gamzee makes a show of reaching for Tavros over the edge of the ramp. Tavros raises a hand but pretends he can't quite grasp the other troll's.
"The ship is moving too fast, Troll Wendy!" Tavros cries. "I can't reach you and there's a storm coming! It's making it hard to fly!"
"Fuck! Oh shit, Pupa! We are knee deep in the shitter now!"
Again, Tavros has to cover up a laugh. Troll Wendy is supposed to be a respectable young lady of a fair upbringing. It adds to her charm amongst a vastly hostile population, and Gamzee just isn't cutting it. Yet, Tavros honestly prefers this. It's just more Gamzee.
Tavros places his fingertips at the side of his head and communes with one of the many animals he's tamed over the years. A few minutes later, a large purple horse-like creature trots into the room. Tavros remembers hatching the horsaroni awhile back. He still has the plush that served at its host lying around somewhere. He commands the steed to stop by him so he can take out an eyepatch and a red handkerchief from his sylladex and don the creature with them so it looks more like a pirate. It then walks up the ramp and make itself comfortable next to Gamzee.
"Captain Nook!" Tavros shouts in horror. "How dare you capture Troll Wendy! You'll pay for this you terrible sea dweller!"
"Oh, no!" Gamzee wails, throwing the back of his hand against his forehead. "Pupa, he's using his motherfucking psychic powers to all up and make me scared of him! I am motherfucking getting the vapors up in this bitch!"
"Not the vapors!" Tavros exclaims. "You are more dastardly than I remember, Captain Nook! Prepare to die!"
The horsaroni yawns in response, but stays put as Tavros starts throwing the plushies Gamzee left around the room at it. It doesn't take much for Tavros to figure out that Gamzee had arranged them so he could easily reach them without having to get out of his four wheeled device.
He and Gamzee shout at each other for a while longer and Tinkerbull makes a show of fluttering around the horsaroni's head. Gamzee says he sees sea goats in the distance and that it's a sign they're going to be okay. Tavros ignores the pain in his chest at that and continues his plush barrage.
He calls more little animals to attack the plushies keeping Gamzee hostage, and stuffing falls everywhere like snow. It's going to be a bitch for him to clean up, but he can't bring himself to care at the moment. He's having far too much fun pretending that he's flying and saving someone important. Tavros rolls up to the ramp and holds out his arms.
"Troll Wendy, you have to jump while the pirates are distracted!" he cries. Gamzee peeks over the edge to look down at him.
"But Pupa, what if you miss?" Gamzee frowns. "Maybe you should just motherfucking leave me. I'd be real salty at myself if you up and got hurt."
"I won't!" Tavros says. "Troll Wendy, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but trust me!" There's something different in Gamzee's expression and Tavros can't quite pinpoint what it is. "I'm not leaving you!" The way he feels when he says it makes him wonder if he's still role playing. Before he had allowed himself to be all bravado and false confidence. Now he feels less like Pupa Pan and more like Tavros, and he's not sure if he likes that. "I, uh, won't ever leave you! You can trust me on that because even though all I want to do is run away from bad things, you make me brave enough to stay and do my best!"
"How the fuck do I do that?" A tone of seriousness permeates the question. "Shit, I barely know what the motherfuck is happening most of the time!"
"Because you believe in me," Tavros says. That's true. It's so fucking true and that's why he wants Gamzee in the first place. He's never much liked himself thanks in part to Vriska's constant abuse and his own dumb ass falling all over himself to please her. Still, as much as he sucks, to Gamzee he's a great rapper, a best bro, cool, important, and just fine the way he is. Maybe he's not the bravest, most confidant troll. He's weak and easily discouraged. He gets walked all over and most trolls see it as him bringing it upon himself. He deserves the culling fork, but Gamzee likes him anyway and that makes Tavros want to like himself too. "Jump Troll Wendy, and I'll catch you confidently!"
Gamzee hesitates for a moment, and then to Tavros's horror, does a completely unnecessary fucking swan dive pirouette off the edge of the ramp. It's an impressive maneuver and Tavros only has a second to wonder if it's only attainable due to Gamzee's natural self-preservation being suppressed by sopor. Once that second is over however, Tavros has to lean back in his four wheeled device so that it's resting on its back wheels.
Tavros concludes this is a terrible idea as Gamzee lands in his lap. He can't feel the impact, but it's enough to send his four wheeled device toppling backwards again. He holds on tight to Gamzee as the vertigo of backwards movement disorients him for the seconds it takes for them to hit the floor. It doesn't help that he and Gamzee both scream like terrified wrigglers during the entire ordeal.
When they land, Gamzee's head is on his shoulder, and Tavros considers himself lucky that his eye didn't get gouged out by one of his friend's towering horns. He's still clutching Gamzee like a lifeline, his blood pusher racing in his chest as he takes deep breaths to quell the terror. Moments like these he wishes he could feel his legs, but a quick lift of his head shows that everything is in its proper place. At least he didn't break anything. Again.
He and Gamzee lay there for a moment, stunned. Stuffing continues to flutter gently down from the top of the ramp and Tavros stares up at his ceiling for the second time that night. He's probably going to need more host plushies. Gamzee is in his arms, and he can feel the cool weight of the highblood on his chest. Gamzee is all sharp angles, and so tall this position is awkward for the both of them, but Tavros knows this is what he's always wanted. He really wishes they were on a pile.
It's just so easy. Everything with Gamzee, from their rap battles to moments like these, just come so naturally and Tavros doesn't have to fake confidence or push himself past a limit he knows he can barely make to begin with. He's fine the way he is. Even though he's crippled, he's still trying. That's good enough for Gamzee, and he feels something like actual confidence come to life inside him.
He starts laughing. It's not a nervous giggle or a forced one, but a genuine laugh. He feels Gamzee shift on top of him and the other troll looks down at him, confused. His hair is even more disheveled than usual and Tinkerbull lands on top of his head, nearly vanishing within the dark strands. It just makes Tavros laugh harder. This is the happiest he's ever felt.
"What's so funny motherfucker?" Gamzee asks. "Not that it ain't a ho titty miracle you're so happy."
"Y-You!" Tavros manages to gasp out between his laughter. His ribs hurt from the force of it. "What…what was all that? You just," he forces himself to take a breath, "You just fucking sprung off the ramp like…like a…a I don't even know!"
Gamzee's shoulders start to shake and it isn't long before he's laughing too. "I don't motherfucking know!" he says. "Shit bro, I told you my thinkpan can't process a lot of shit at once. I motherfucking panicked. Got too into it."
"You almost flew!" Tavros covers his face with his hand and clutches his chest with the other. "I was expecting you just to climb down like a normal troll and pretend I caught you! But nope! You just…Oh god, my ribs! You're crazy!"
"I fucking told you I was going to commit to this bitch!" Gamzee says. Tavros looks through his fingers and the image of Gamzee laughing with him is one he will cherish forever. Not only that but Tinkerbull peeks through the wild tresses of Gamzee's hair and it just adds to just how right everything feels.
Tavros moves his hand away from his face and Gamzee hugs him. He returns the embrace and again wishes they were on a pile instead of sprawled on his toppled four wheeled device. When Gamzee pulls back he moves so he's no longer on top of Tavros. Instead he's by his side, also laying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. Tinkerbull flutters out of his hair and makes himself comfortable on Gamzee's chest.
"Well, you motherfucking saved me," he says.
Tavros can't turn his head because of his large horns, so he goes through the extra effort of bracing himself on his elbows so he can look over at Gamzee. He reaches over to pinch the tip of the other troll's nose. "I'll always save you. Honk!" He's still slightly breathless from his laughing fit and a honk just doesn't sound right coming from him, but Gamzee always seems to like when he does it.
"Bro, why do you always go and motherfucking steal my nose?" Gamzee asks, although not unkindly.
"Well, it uh, just seems to be the right thing to do," Tavros says sheepishly. "I take your nose to do the honk thing. Which honestly doesn't quite feel right, but I think in this situation it was called for."
"Tavbro, you…" Gamzee's sentence trails off and his gaze becomes unfocused. Lifting a claw, he scratches Tinkerbull behind his ears. The tiny fairy bull leans into it and lets out a few soft moos. The other troll is completely spaced out and Tavros takes the opportunity to study his face without the clown make up.
The pity is so strong, but the words just won't come. Tavros suddenly resents how Eridan takes his pale quadrant with Feferi for granted. While the sea dweller bitches about how he's stuck in the "moirail zone," it's all Tavros thinks about anymore. Gamzee as his palemate is a dream come true. If given the chance, he'd be the most viscous protector of Gamzee's heart. The feelings jams they could have, the cuddles on a comfortable pile, holding hands, and of course shoosh papping are all part of his fantasy.
"Tinkerbull really likes you," Tavros manages after a moment of trying to get his protein chute to expel anything resembling a cohesive sentence. "He was worried when we first met because you were a highblood and he thought you might hurt me."
"I could never fucking hurt you," Gamzee says. "That shit ain't chill." He moves the scratches to underneath Tinkerbull's chin. It's hard to imagine Gamzee hurting anyone. "Man, your lusus is wicked cute. You're lucky." Gamzee lets out a breath that's almost a sigh. Tavros's brow furrows lightly.
"If you want, I could try to commune with yours and see where he is."
"Please don't." Gamzee looks over at Tavros with a smile forced to resemble his usual stoned one. "Knowing things just takes the miracles out of it." Translation: I don't want to know in case he's just abandoning me for no reason. Tavros can understand the sentiment and it makes the choice his heart wants to make all the more clearer.
"Alright," Tavros says then reaches out to brush the back of Gamzee's free hand. "Hey…" Oh God, what is he doing? This is going to be so terrible. "Gamzee, I…uh, have something I need to tell you."
"Yeah?" Gamzee looks at him and Tavros falters before remembering that everything is easy with Gamzee. He can't help but think they were meant for each other in a moiraillegiance. He regrets distancing himself from Karkat after the accident, because he feels like he's standing at the edge of that cliff all over again and ready to jump. Karkat is difficult to talk to, but he knows what he's doing when it comes to relationships no matter the quadrant.
"I…uh…" Oh no, the words aren't coming and he's sitting here in a Pupa Pan costume stuttering like an idiot. His best friend and pale crush is waiting, unknowing that he has the power to hurt him just as badly if not worse than Vriska. "Gamzee…I…" Shit he's sweating, or at least he thinks he's sweating. He might actually be dying. Just say something! "This is going to be…maybe awkward…uh, I-I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't say it at all because, well uh, ruining what we have is, uh, sort of, uh, the last thing I want to do…" Babbling. Fanfuckingtastic.
"Tav." He feels Gamzee's fingers intertwine with his own, and the other troll sits up, cradling Tinkerbull in his other arm. Tavros swallows roughly when Gamzee tilts his head. "Chill, motherfucker. Breathe."
Come on, say something! He pleads within his own mind. His eyes travel over Gamzee's face, to his nose, lips and chin. Anything to avoid looking into his eyes, because what he wants to say is probably easy to read even for someone known for not having a very high functioning thinkpan. "I…I've been wanting to say this all night, and so I think now is the optimal time…or something. Maybe not, but I should try. You know me, uh, I'm not very good at this type of thing, or anything really."
"That ain't motherfucking true, but okay."
He really wants to let go of Gamzee's hand, but at the same time the thought terrifies him. As much as he wants to be confident and assertive, their laced fingers give him a crutch of security.
"I…really like your skin." Okay, if there was ever a time to throw himself at Vriska's mercy, now would be the time. Fix it, fix it! He thinks frantically. "It's…super, uh, smooth." Thankfully he's looking down because his thinkpan is doing a great job concocting the image of Gamzee's expression of creeped out horror. He opens his mouth to fix his blunder, but what comes out is a mix between a wheeze and a whine. Rufio, what should I do?
Fix it, kid! Just say something! Literally nothing you say could make this worse!
"And, uh, when I say that, I don't mean in a gross way, like I've, uh, heard stories of some trolls that like to wear other troll's skin, and that's not what I meant because your skin looks really good on you and there was probably a better way to put that, that wasn't what I just said."
Oh my god, you literally just made it worse.
"You…really motherfucking think so?"
"Uh." Tavros lifts his gaze dumbly in time to see Gamzee shyly averting his eyes. Not only that, but without the clown make up, there is a very visible dusting of purple across his cheeks. He's blushing. Gamzee Makara, the king of spacing out and saying random weird shit, is blushing. "Y-Yeah, I do."
"Shit, bro." Gamzee lifts a hand to touch his cheek. The gesture is oddly innocent, as if Gamzee had forgotten he had skin to begin with. "I never much paid attention to it. I've always got my sweet ass paint on."
"To be honest, I like a lot of stuff about you," Tavros continues, his panic receding. "Not just your skin, even though it is definitely a trait that I like." Gamzee's eyes meet his, and there's no doubt in Tavros's mind that he's completely transfixed. That never happens. No matter the situation, Gamzee is never one hundred percent with everyone else. This is different. His eyes are focused and fighting the pull of the sopor. This is all of Gamzee staring him in the face. It's now or never. "I'm pale for you."
Gamzee blinks and opens his mouth to say something then closes it. "What?" he finally manages.
"I'm pale for you," Tavros repeats, and suddenly the panic is back full force. His soul is bare and laying between them, but Gamzee isn't blushing or smiling anymore. In fact, he looks almost hurt and a bit taken aback. It's like Tavros has just slapped him in the face and it fucking stings. Tavros grips his friend's hand tighter and forces himself to keep eye contact, willing Gamzee to take in his words and feelings. "Gamzee, I want to take care of you." He feels his eyes burn, but he's not going to cry despite how much this is crashing and burning in front of him. "I've felt this way for a really long time and I was scared to tell you, but I mustered the confidence."
"Fuck," Gamzee murmurs, and now that look of horror dawns on his face. Tavros feels like the biggest fuck up. Why did he open his stupid mouth?
"And clearly you don't feel the same way, so, uh, maybe just…I don't know." His voice cracks and he clenches his jaw. "Forget it."
"Tavros, I…I've up and got my flattered on, but yeah, bro." Gamzee puts Tinkerbull down. "I motherfucking can't return the sentiment."
"That…sucks," Tavros manages. His voice sounds high pitched and it's hard speaking around the lump in his throat. He thought he was prepared for rejection, but this hurts in a way he hasn't experienced before. He is an idiot. He misread all of Gamzee's cues, and now he's in danger of bursting into tears and making Gamzee feel bad, or worse, causing his best friend to tactfully retreat back to his own hive and never speak to him again. "Is there someone else?"
Gamzee nods and that fierce, protective jealousy mixes with Tavros's raw hurt. Rufio only knows how he's not sobbing right now, because this is the worst he's ever felt in a long time.
"Who?" Tavros forces a smile, but it's so fake that the sad way Gamzee looks at him tells him his best bro isn't buying it.
"Karkat," Gamzee says, and Tavros can't miss the twitch in the corner of Gamzee's mouth, like he wants to smile at the name but knows it's a bad idea. "The mirthful messiahs just sort of concocted it and it motherfucking happened. Like a miracle." Tavros likes to think he knows Gamzee better than anyone, and he knows just from the tone of his voice that Gamzee is irrevocably pale for Karkat. There's no chance he's ever going to feel the same for Tavros. "Motherfucker gets so upset that no one listens to him, so he gets his motherfucking screech on. I listen though."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tavros feels unfocused, and he knows his mind is trying to shield him from the emotional turmoil sloshing around in his thinkpan and down in his digestive sac. "I thought we were bros."
"We are," Gamzee says, and fuck he looks hurt. This isn't what Tavros wants at all. He's being petty and he knows it. Gamzee can't help that he has pale feelings for someone else. Time to reign it in toreador.
"Filling a quadrant is kind of a big deal, I thought. Like, something you would definitely tell your best bro about."
"It only happened a few days ago," Gamzee says. He frowns slightly, and he appears genuinely distressed. "Tavbro, you're not motherfucking salty at me, are you?"
"No," Tavros manages. "I'm sorry, Gamzee." He gives his friend's hand a tight squeeze of reassurance. "I'm just being a grub. I hope he treats you well. I'm happy as long as you're happy." The words don't ring sincere, he knows, but he's legitimately trying to be the better troll in this situation. Kanaya doesn't need to auspisticise for him and Karkat in addition to whatever weird thing he has with Vriska.
"I'm sorry if I've gone and broke your motherfucking heart. That shit ain't chill." Then to Tavros's surprise, Gamzee's posture slouches and the blush is back, but it's not cute. It's the kind of blush one gets when they're humiliated. Tavros knows the feeling all too well and resists the urge to wrap his arms around his friend and tell him he doesn't have to be sorry. "It motherfucking isn't like my heart doesn't feel the wicked pain right now either."
"What do you mean?" Tavros asks. He pushes his own volatile emotions down and waits.
"Since you got your honest on, I guess I'll just spit some of my own motherfucking honesty out of my protein chute," Gamzee says.
Tavros nods numbly, barely aware that Tinkerbull is nudging his hand in attempts to comfort him. Gamzee looks so miserable it makes Tavros want to pap his face and tell him he doesn't have to say anything he doesn't want to. The urge makes him feel guilty and sick. Gamzee is taken, and as jealous and hurt as he is, Tavros won't jeopardize Gamzee's happiness for his own gain.
"You all recall when I up and said that we could make out a little next time you came over to my hive?"
"Vaguely," Tavros says. "I was confused because, uh, it kind of came out of nowhere? I think just assumed you were high, I mean, higher than usual."
"Well, you motherfucking thought right," Gamzee says. "But that didn't mean that shit wasn't sincere."
"Wait…w-what?" He doesn't even care that he sounds like an idiot anymore. This is like a sucker punch to his shame globes.
"I can't ever be fucking pale for you," Gamzee says. Tavros bites his tongue to keep himself from whimpering at the sting that causes. "I can't, because I'm flushed redder than our motherfucking death sun for you."
White noise permeates Tavros's mind. "Uh…" He doesn't even have the capacity to babble. He wants to say something, because Gamzee is still miserable, and it's not fair. Not only that, but this was not what he was expecting. He thinks back on all their previous conversations and it dawns on him just how much of an asshole he is. If Gamzee has been struggling with flushed feelings, Tavros just rejected him before he was even ready to confess. "I didn't know," he says at last. "Shit, Gamzee, I never would have said anything if I knew."
"It's not like I was any fucking good at telling you," Gamzee responds. "I want to be something to you, though." A strained edge is in Gamzee's voice, but it's barely noticeable. Still, it's enough to tell Tavros he's upset. "If I could change where my heart is with Karbro to be your palemate, I motherfucking would, but a brother can't be up and doing that. A heart is a miracle to have, and you have to go where your heart is at."
"I wouldn't want you to force yourself to change how you feel," Tavros says. "And don't think I'm asking you to cheat on Karkat to make me happy. That's the last thing I want."
"Motherfucker knows I'm faithful to him," Gamzee says softly. "He's the only one I ever could..." He cringes as he trails off.
"No, it's okay." Tavros smiles despite knowing, no, this isn't okay. This is a shitty situation for both of them and just plain not fair. "Really." Despite the fact it might be inappropriate, Tavros reaches out and pulls Gamzee to him in a tight hug. Friends can hug and he keeps his pale thoughts at bay. Then it dawns on him. He pulls back, still clutching his friend's arms. "Gamzee, you're flushed for me, right?"
"I motherfucking thought we established that." Gamzee raises an eyebrow in confusion. "You don't share in my red feelings like I don't share your pale."
"Well, I've never actually considered it before," Tavros says. He pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts. He doesn't want what he thinks to come across as him forcing himself to feel something he doesn't, more like he wants to nudge himself towards a quadrant that might make them both happy. He's never thought much about matespritship, and he doesn't want to toy with Gamzee's feelings or give him false hope, but if he words this right, maybe he could gauge whether or not he could go from pale to red. "I think…we should, uh, kiss a little."
Gamzee's eyes widen and that blush is back in full force, and Tavros feels that perhaps that is a good sign. "I'm motherfucking confused."
"We don't have to!" he adds quickly. "Not if it'll hurt your feelings or anything, but maybe if we kiss, I might be able to see if I could feel that way about you. I've never kissed anyone, but I wouldn't mind if my first one was with you." He takes a steadying breath. "Only if you're okay with it, though. I don't want to pressure you."
Gamzee stares at him for so long, Tavros is tempted to shake him just to make sure he hasn't forgotten what they were talking about. "I haven't kissed anyone before either."
"Oh." He's not sure why he's so surprised. They're only six sweeps old, after all, and from what he's gathered, Gamzee's about as skilled at quadrants as he is. "Well, would you want it to be with me?"
Gamzee nods hesitantly. "I thought motherfucking circumstances would be different, but I won't lie and say no."
"I, uh, want to," Tavros says. He swallows thickly, realizing just how nervous he is. Of course Gamzee wants to kiss him and he finds he wants to kiss Gamzee, but their reasons are different and there's no guarantee that it would help them reach the same quadrant. "I mean, well, now that it's out there on the table and I'm, uh, well, thinking about it, it sounds nice." He realizes he's still half laying down and forces himself to sit. Gamzee helps him unhook his legs from where they're draped over the seat of the four wheeled device and Tavros is grateful for the help.
"Yeah, it would be motherfucking nice." Gamzee's eyes narrow as he seems to deliberate with himself briefly.
It feels like there's a group of flutterbeasts trapped in Tavros's digestive sac as he waits. He isn't sure why he wants to do this so badly. He's not so desperate that he wants to worm his way into any of Gamzee's quadrants in hopes of getting to the pale one. That's far too insidious and it involves toying with both Gamzee and Karkat's feelings, a cruelty he doesn't think himself capable of.
No, as he waits to get Gamzee's permission, he finds he genuinely does want to try, and that if he were to give his first kiss to anyone, Gamzee is it.
"Alright," Gamzee says at last. "Sorry, I spaced out, but then my thinkpan brought me back, and my answer is fucking yes."
"Are you sure?" Tavros asks. "I, uh, I get we're both kind of hurt right now, and I don't want to make it worse."
"Yeah." Gamzee gives a shrug. "But shit, I still get to motherfucking kiss you regardless, so I'm chill with it." Tavros lets out a nervous giggle at that, ignoring the heat pooling in his cheeks. He's not sure how Gamzee can be so chill about this. Then again, Gamzee probably consumed half his weight in sopor before coming here so that probably has something to do with it.
"Um, well, I guess we should get to it then," Tavros says. "So I assume, and maybe I'm wrong, but I assume we just kind of pucker our lips and put them together?"
"Hmm." Gamzee scratches the side of his head for a moment, his eyes narrowing in thought. "In those motherfucking romcoms Karbro likes to get his weep on over, usually before the big kiss there's like a big feelings jam, I guess to set the mood? I don't really fucking know, I space out sometimes. Mostly."
"Feelings jam?" Tavros hums in thought. "Oh! Maybe we're supposed to red flirt with each other before hand. Then, uh, I guess, we just sort of do what feels right?"
"That makes some wicked sense out of this clusterfuck of a situation," Gamzee says. "Maybe we should also motherfucking slam our red flirtations at each other!"
"Yeah!" Tavros says excitedly. "That'll make this slightly less awkward. I'll go first. You just sit right there, and I'll prepare more sick beats."
"Heh, fuck yeah, motherfucker! Get me all up and flustered!"
Tavros clears his throat and sit's up straight before beginning his freestyle. Usually he has his lines prepared in advance, but he's willing to rise to the challenge. Of course, rapping in person is a bit harder to do than typing out his verses over Trollian, but he's never been afraid to push himself when around Gamzee.
"I like your skin,
I know I said it before,
But now I'm slamming,
And it means more."
Tavros snaps his fingers and points to Gamzee to pass the metaphorical torch. Gamzee grins, every fang showing, and he begins his verse.
"Alright, check it,
Your motherfuckin' shit eyes sparkle, bro,
I never thought of how far this would go,
I never thought I'd overcome this hurdle,
To fuckin get you up in my inner circle!"
Tavros takes his turn, and truthfully, he feels he made the right call. He couldn't imagine having to actually say all this. He decides to press on to how Gamzee makes him feel, rather than creepily focusing on his skin, which admittedly is nice, but not a trait one usually talks about if the very few romantic movies he's seen are correct.
"You make me have self-esteem
That makes me feel like I'm in a dream,
Flying high with world below,
Like Pupa and Wendy we know where to go."
Gamzee hesitates for a moment, and his smile shifts to one that's not quite so wide and oddly gentle. When he raps, his verses come out softer.
"You spit these lyrical miracles
That should be motherfuckin' criminal
You can't see it and I want to switch thinkpans
Because to me you're already like Pupa Pan."
That makes Tavros pause, because although he knows that Gamzee thinks he's fine the way he is, he's never commented on Tavros's hero worship of the flying troll who never grows up.
"Your lips look soft and I hope that's not creepy,
And what I feel for you, I feel so deeply,
Red or pale, I want to match your quadrant
'Cause if there's multiverses, you're my one true constant."
Gamzee stares at him for a long while after that, his expression stunned and Tavros feels he's won this battle. Yet, slamming what he feels has made him so confident he feels he can say his next words normally. "I mean it," he says. "Red, pale, black, ashen, I don't think it really matters. You're my best friend and even if you and I can't ever fill a quadrant together, I don't think there's a troll around who could replace what you mean to me."
"Dude…" Gamzee leans towards him. "That's…motherfucking beautiful, man. I…shit, my words just aren't here."
"So, are you ready for, uh," Tavros laughs nervously, "for me to lay one on you?"
Gamzee nods, his expression stunned and his bare face lit up with purple. "Do you want me to fucking initiate or-"
"No, no!" Tavros says. "I feel like, uh, in this case, I should learn to be more assertive and I should be the one to, uh, well, kiss you."
"Alright."
"S-So, you just sit tight and, uh." Shit he's sweating and stuttering again. What if he sucks at this? Fuck. "Just don't make any sudden movements, and uh, I'll just…do the thing."
"Okay," Gamzee says and goes stock still. Tavros isn't even sure he's breathing so he figures he should get on with it.
"So, I'm going to put my hands here," he places them on Gamzee's shoulders. He looks at his best friends eyes and gulps. He feels jittery and he's not sure if it's in a good way. He really doesn't want to disappoint. "You should, uh, close your eyes."
Gamzee does so and that makes this a little easier as Tavros leans in, his lips puckered. Just a little more. His eyes slide shut. He's really going to do this. Yet he freezes when he hears a stifled giggle. Gamzee has cracked an eye open and gazes at him with tightly pressed lips.
"Really?" Tavros exclaims. At this Gamzee lets the laugh loose, a few honks filtering in.
"I'm sorry, bro, but your face looks so funny!" Gamzee holds his sides and continues to laugh. "Look, dude, we don't have to kiss if your heart ain't up in it. What you said before honestly made this motherfucker melt so we're chill."
"No, we're not." Tavros feels a deep rumble in his chest, and he hears himself growling. His lips pull back from his sharp teeth and his torso tenses, ready to pounce. It's feral and something he didn't think he possessed.
"Huh?" Gamzee's stops laughing and before he can say anything else, Tavros roughly grabs his shoulders again and pulls the taller troll to him. He's tired of being babied and seen as weak. This was his idea, and Gamzee consented. Alternia be damned if he's not going to follow through with what he started.
His lips meet Gamzee's a bit too forcefully and their fangs click together, sending a sharp sting up the roof of Tavros's mouth and into his skull. Gamzee lets out a squeak of surprise and awkwardly puts his hands on Tavros's upper arms.
It's a complete mess at first. Their noses are scrunched together uncomfortably and Tavros realizes he's being much too rough. This isn't how you kiss, and he is momentarily ashamed of his sudden brutality. Gamzee is stiff like he wants to pull away, but Tavros eases up on the bruising grip he has on the other troll's shoulders and lets his hands slide down to Gamzee's upper arms, rubbing gently as an apology.
Be gentle, be kind, he hears Rufio say. He's not your kismesis, kid.
Gamzee relaxes and Tavros pulls away briefly to readjust the tilt of his head so their lips fit together more comfortably. Now that's the ticket. Gamzee's lips are surprisingly soft and are interwoven with the smooth hardness of his fangs. It sends an unfamiliar, warm tingle down Tavros's spine until it reaches his lower back.
It's chaste and short and Tavros pulls back slightly breathless. He's not sure what he feels, because so many emotions are running through him all at once. That pale pity is still there like a boulder he's forced to carry, but he can't say no to the idea of being red now either. Their lips are only inches apart and Tavros feels the soft touch of Gamzee's hands on either side of his face. Their height difference forces Tavros to tilt his head back as Gamzee leans down for another kiss.
He's far shyer coming in than Tavros. His kiss starts out as a hesitant brush of mouths, as if he's not quite sure this is really happening, and then relaxes into it. Tavros sighs contentedly through his nose. Gamzee always has a way about him that calms Tavros's nerves, and now is no exception. Their lips move together, and it's clumsy, but also slow and experimental.
They pull away from each other and Tavros looks up at Gamzee and without warning he starts to giggle. Gamzee joins him, looking away, and Tavros lets himself laugh. He hears Gamzee laughing as well. And he feels a light tap of the highblood's fist on his shoulder.
"Man, that was something," Gamzee says.
"Sorry about the, uh, uptake," Tavros says, running his tongue over his teeth and wincing. That wasn't smart on his part.
"It's cool, but hey, listen." Gamzee smiles and playfully bumps their foreheads together, causing Tavros to snort out another laugh. "Great as that shit was, I let what you said earlier about quadrants sink down into my thinkpan, and I up and feel the same way about you. Red or pale, you're my motherfucking best bro, and the mirthful messiahs up and say that shit be the pimpest."
"I think I uh, could feel red," Tavros says. "Eventually, I guess. But, I have to get over my pale feelings first." He knows that it's going to be a struggle to do so, and a kiss isn't going to change that. His need to protect Gamzee's heart and mind is still blaring, and the burning jealousy towards Karkat nestles like a slither beast in his gut. "I don't want you to wait around for me though. It's…" he lets out a sigh, "it's going to take me a long time."
"That's motherfucking chill with me," Gamzee says before flopping down with his head in Tavros's lap. He lets out a contented purr. "Ain't like I haven't got myself a metric fuckton of sweeps ahead of me."
Tavros looks down at Gamzee with a slight frown. "But, what if it never happens? What if I can't stop feeling pale?"
"Then we're still best bros," Gamzee replies with a shrug. "Shit, it's not like I'm up and losing you." He reaches up with one hand to ruffle Tavros's hair. "Even if you get your red feelings on for some other lucky troll, I'm fucking chill as long as they make you smile."
"I love you." Tavros means it. It has nothing to do with romantic desires, potential pailing or sloppy makeouts. He loves Gamzee because when he's around his spacy best friend, the jittery nervousness and fear he constantly fights stops. He can just be Tavros Nitram, free of self-doubt or resentment. The love he feels right now is based on understanding and the pure, raw joy he feels in being together. He plays with the thick curls of Gamzee's hair and bends down to nuzzle it. "Not to, uh, sound sappy, but I lucked out with you."
"Love you too," Gamzee says.
I hope you liked it :D I tried. Sorry for the length. Review if you like.