*** Hi guys, if you are reading tis, like I said before this story means a lot to me and it really heloed my friend out to read it, so I don't mind flames but I really want people to read this so thank you for not just scrolling. So i know that you are reading this please review my story. I don't care if yo don't have an account. I took the time to write and upload this, you can take 10n seconds to review. Thank you.
Title:Its not goodbye if there are no memories...
POV Miracle
Actually happening
I see you sitting there, on the couch, and just stare. Soaking in your every detail so that I will always remember that face, those eyes, that smile.
I only wish I didn't have to get in the way, to have to get to the point of breaking I have reached. If I was like the other girls, the ones you look at and like, then maybe, maybe I wouldn't have gone this far, and maybe this beating in my chest could be shared. But alas, it has not come to this. I was born like me. And this is all I can do to releive myself of this pain. This torture. And maybe you will miss me, but its more likely you wont remember me, or care. It will be like I never existed...
Flash back...
I remember the night so clear it could have been tonight and happening now. My two best friends, Tiana and Lily, and I were sitting on the floor in Lily's basement, playing truth or dare. I had just ran about the house with a pair of boxers on my head screaming "boxers are attacking!" And it was now Lily's turn. I speak, "Lily, truth or dare?" She didn't miss a beat while she answered "Dare". I smirked. I knew exactly what I wanted her to do. "Okay, I dare you to call Tyler, and pretend to be selling him mustard and then when he catches on scream I love you and hang up." The smile on her freckled face dropped. She was out of passes, and I knew how big of a crush she had on Tyler. I had just met him, and didn't know him very well. But I knew that she had been texting him on my phone that night, and that she always talked about him at school. He did come and hang out with us sometimes and you could see how much she liked him from the look on her face. Personally, I thought he just another 8th grader. And when people would say he should go out with me, we both pretended to puke. Now, I think differently. She took out my phone, and dialled his number, and put it on speaker. We waited. It ran once, twice, thrice, and finally he answered, "Hello?" a deep voice said on the other side of the phone. Lily cleared her throat and spoke in an accent I couldn't name, " Hello, I have some mustard here and it says you like mustard, I was wondering how much you wanted me to sell you." It was silent for a few seconds when he responded, "Who is this?" She looked at me with a look as if to say do I give in now? I just shook my head. I was waiting for the right time. "This is Maureen from the mustard factory. I want to know how much mustard you want." Again a silence. Then finally, " Lily, Miracle, and Tiana. How stupid do you think I fucking am." Then as if a switch flicked, Lily screamed "I LOVE YOU!" into the phone and hung up faster then he could answer. She looked up at me with those blue eyes. Then, we all burst out laughing. "How did he know it was us?" I asked. Lily looked at the phone and turned red, "Whoops, I forgot to dial *67..." We just stared at her, then burst out laughing again, this time it was cut short by my phone ringing. We looked at the number and I gasped. "I think you should answer it Miracle." Tiana said. I agreed. It was my phone after all. I hit the green button,"Hello?" I looked at the two girls. "Hi Miracle. Why did you girls call me." I swallowed, " We were playing truth or dare and I had dared Lily to call and just yeah" I spat out. It was silent for a second. He was taking it in. Then an answer "Well you girls are interesting." I relayed this message to my friends. Then Lily took the phone and ran up the stairs. Me and Tiana just sat there waiting for her to return. She did. And she had a smile as big as the moon on her face. The phone was still by her ear. Then she spoke "And what would you do to me?" This shocked me. I didn't hear the whole conversation, but I had a bad feeling about what they were talking about. "Oh and you think you would get me on my knees for you?" Oh no. I think I was right. She put it on speaker phone. "You are on speaker with the others here to." A laugh. "Hello ladies. I was just saying to Lily how I think she could take my dick in her mouth. And she doesn't think I can get her on her knees. But I think I would have more fun if I got in your pants Tiana." She giggled. I don't get why those two liked him. Well now I do, but I didn't before. I just got up and left the room. I just couldn't listen to this.
I walked up to Lily's room. I still haven't told them, let alone anyone my deep secret, and if they knew maybe they would understand. I walk over and sit on the bed. Looking around the room, I spot my bag. I get up and walk towards it. It takes about a minute of digging, but I am successful in my search for my pocket knife. I pull it out and go to the bathroom. Sitting on the floor, I pull up my pyjama pant leg and look at my knee. Scars and fresher cuts cover it. I pull the other one up and see the same thing. I groan in annoyance. No room to cut a fresh mark. I roll the bottoms down, and pull up my top. There are less cuts there and more room for new ones. So I get started. I place the cool blade against my skin, twist the sharp end inward, and make a long deep strip. As soon as I remove the knife, there is a line of blood. I smile. Amazed at the lack of pain I felt. I repeated this process several more times till I was satisfied. I pull my shirt down and walk back into the room. Place the knife away and lie down on the bed. Closing my eyes and falling asleep.
A few hours later, I am being shaken awake. Lily is just inches from my face when she screams "That was the best conversation ever! I can't believe you left. But he did leave you out of all the stuff he was saying... But why did you leave?" I sit up and blink. I don't know what to tell them. I didn't know if telling them my secret was a good idea but I think it needed to be said to someone. I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and lift up my pant legs and shirt. I hear gasps, but I dare not open my eyes. I can picture the looks on their faces. I pull them down and open my eyes, hiding them behind my scarlet hair. I speak so softly that it is almost like a whisper, " I, I cut. And I have a good reason. I am emotional torn. Hurting, feeling empty, feeling alone, worthless, and I have a deep dark secret, but if I tell you, you can't tell anyone. Not even your parents or mine." I look up to see tears in Tiana's smoky grey eyes. I just didn't want to break the news to them. I couldn't. But I saw them both nod. The needed to know, "Okay, you both know how I went on that trip to Greece?" They nodded. Ok, i just needed to breath, "Well, one night, my parents took me to this bar that let you drink under-age, and I had a little to much to drink and so I decided to leave early. While I was walking, my uncle came out of an alleyway with some of his buddies, I thought they were just going to take me home because as you know I was staying with my aunt and him and so he took my hand and... he raped me. " Again I look down. I couldn't bear to see their faces. I felt tears slipping past my closed eyes. Then an arm slipped around my shoulder. "I am so sorry to hear that Miracle. I really am. And I swear that I wont tell anyone but, I think you really need to tell your mom. And the cutting, I don't want you to feel those things, but you cant do that to yourself. Self-mutilation is not the answer"Lily said, "Yeah Lily is right, you can talk to us if you need to just please stop." Tiana pleaded. If only they knew what would happen and how tables would be turning. If only I knew how young-minded and naive I was...
End of flash back
Being thought All the memories we have together, are they even memories you remember? Were they ever important? I remember the first time we hung out and got to know each other. We had so much fun. And the times that followed left an imprint on my heart. Then, it happened... I fell. I fell so deep and I don't even remember how. It just suddenly happened. It was out of my control. Those were the more simple times to my fragile little heart. I remember the times and cry. I wish I could go back in time and relive all the fun times. And even the bad times that I would never change. I wish I could make things go back to the way they were. But if I did then we would never be were we are now. And we need to be here. Right now. In this time. With this life. These memories. The past we made for ourselfs. The future we hope fore. They are what made us who we are. The dreams we have, and the imaginations we create. They are all part of were we are now. Who we have come to become. They are what made us. And that is so important.
Flash back...
It was almost a month later. We had been hanging out more and more. Finding out more about each other then we did before. We had almost everything in common. And we laughed about it all. We were with Lily and you two were talking about things in grade 8. Things I would find out about next year. I was looking at you. And then something inside me just... snapped like a twig. I felt myself feel more alive. And I was so confused by it for it was no feeling that I had ever been used to. And I didn't understand. I went home and that night called up Tiana, "Hello? Tiana? I need help." She sounded worried in her response, "Oh honey, what is wrong?" I didn't know how to explain it to her. But I did my best, "I was hanging out with Tyler and Lily today and all of a sudden I felt a weird feeling in my tummy when I looked at him... I am a little scared I don't know what this means..." I heard giggling, "Oh Mir, you like him! That is what that feeling is! I should know. I used to like him. You should tell Lily. She might be able to help." I agreed and hung up. I had no clue how I was going to tell Lily. She had been so in love with. But I texted her, and the response was not something I was expecting. She simply said, "it was bound to happen. I was actually waiting on you liking him. Please back off and don't try to steal him from me. I am so close to having him as mine. He has kissed me, as you have seen in your backyard, so please let me have him." All I could do was laugh at the thought that she was threatened by me. She was so much prettier and better then me. And she isn't as fucked up as me. Or as stupid. But back then I had no idea of those things yet. So I just replied "Do not worry, you are so much prettier then me and he would never fall for me any ways. He is all yours." All I got in reply was a smiley. I knew she would not say anything like that's not true, but I still kinda broke inside. This I remember all to well. The pain and broken feelings. They earned my poor body more slashes to the skin. Just a few more doors on my body to let the pain out for a little bit. Then they let it back in and the doors are shut till more are put in...
End of flash back
Being thought These things I am saying may hurt but only imagine how I am feeling. I wish there was some way to tell that me not to feel hurt and that some time soon worse was going to come but after all that rain, you will see a glimpse of that rainbow, but I am so sorry to say that you will not see it very clearly. It is almost like when you look in water without goggles on and everything is blurry, but when you put goggles on, you can see things clearly. Like a beautiful coral reef. And that reef is only slightly see able. And I wish I could say that as time went on, I began to see more, but that would be lying. I broke. Many and many times. And then things happened...
Flash back...
I am sitting in my room reading the hunger games when all of a sudden I hear my front door open and slam shut, then screaming, and footsteps running up my stairs. I look up at the door and there stands Lily breathing so heavily, she bends forward to to catch her breath. When she can finally talk again she is practically jumping out of her skin "Tyler just asked me out! We are officially a thing! Can you believe it!" I forced a smile while something inside me broke. I didn't know what to say. I was torn. I had fallen to deep. So I simply said, "That is so great I knew it was going to happen. I am very happy for you!" But on the inside I was screaming so loud. I immediately made up an excuse and forced her out. Then when I watched her cross the road with no sign of coming back, I ran to my room, opened my jewellery box, and pulled out my razor. I couldn't do anything else but make these slashes. I had no place to make new ones... So I pulled up my sleeve and looked at the perfect tan skin there. Untouched by my pain. A singal tear escaped my eyes, and then I made my mark. I just couldn't stop. I was in to much pain. The next thing I knew, I was passing out on my bed, and the thought that my life was going to be over sickened me to the stomach and also gave me a relief. So I cut one more deep slash and let my body go limp. Finally at peace. Or so I had hoped. The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes to see Lily holding my had. Tears filled her eyes, Tiana on the chair behind her, head in her hands, and then, I look over to the door just as a figure walks in. I blink thinking I am seeing things but, there you are. Walking into the room with red eyes. You take a spot on the bed beside me and put your arm around me. Lily just bursts into tears. I snuggle into you and fall asleep again. When I wake up this time I see only Lily, and I open my mouth. It is dry, but I manage to get a few words out, "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to let Tyler put his arm around me. I am just so weak. And I am sorry" She puts her hand up and waves it off, "No, why would you do this to yourself. I leave and remember that I left my sweater by your door so I go back over and find you unconscious and then call 911! You said you would talk to us!" I take a deep breath. If only she could know the pain. So weak... I just needed to close my eyes, but first I needed to respond to her, " I can't talk to you about it. I can't talk to anyone about it. I am sorry." And I am out cold...
End of flash back
Being thought I remember all these things as if they are happening now. I remember how close we got after I got out of the hospital and how many times I felt my heart break when I saw you and Lily kiss. But you were a thing. After a while you two grew apart and stopped talking for a little big. You and me got closer. Phone calls that lasted well past midnight, and nightly walks in the park. We were closer then two people that are "just friends" would be. Then you graduated elementary school and left me all alone. But we had all summer before you went off to grade nine and I was in eight. We used that time wisely. Well I did. I cherished ever moment. Every memory. Then one day...
Flash back...
We were on the floor in my room. Empty bottles of booze lay around us. We were on out back giggling at something you had said. Then you sat us and looked at me. I sat up and was about to ask what was wrong when you leaned in and kissed me. Out of the blue. My first kiss. My heart was beating so so so fast. I was afraid you would be able to hear how loud it was beating. but you didn't. And we sat there, on my floor, kissing. It felt so wrong, but at the same time, so right. I didn't want to move. I didn't want this moment to end. Then we were interrupted by your phone. It was your dad. You had to go home. So I got you a water bottle, some gum, and walked you to the door. My heart was beating a mile a minute, the taste of your lips never leaving mine, and you leaned in, and gave me one more kiss, before saying goodbye and leaving me. I got butterflies every time after that day when you would kiss me.
End of flash back
Being thought Did you feel a spark that day? Was there any kind of feeling you felt? There must have been something because you kept on doing it. Up untill school started up again. I knew that yopu would make new friends, and I made you promise not to abandon me. And you did. But a little bit after, we started to grow apart, and I broke many many more times. I didn't know what to do. You stopped answering my texts, and when you did, you were always with one of your new friends. You had replaced me. We didn't talk for a long time. And let me tell you, that was so hard on me. I tried so hard to keep that friendship up and alive. But I felt like I was the only one that cared. Then one day we started talking again. You told me about this girl Eva, who was so pretty and you really liked her. I didn't want to seem like a bad friend. I was supportive. I told you to talk to her and ask her out. You would tell me how she broke your heart and wouldn't say yes to you. I was breaking even more inside. More and more cuts made their home on my body. I just couldn't stop. You were ignoring me more and more. I would ask people if you were talking to them and the answer would always be yes. I felt so unimportant. Like a waste of space. Till you decided to start hanging out with me again. But things were still a little off. You didn't talk to me about so many things, your trust in me went down, and you stopped kissing me. Or showing any affection. I didn't know if it was something I had done, but it worried me. Then I saw your arm. And my world fell apart. Seeing that you do what I do, that you hurt yourself, made me break even more. I just couldn't take it. I want to help you. You wouldn't talk to me. I wanted to take away all your pain. Let you be free, start fresh. But you wouldn't let me. You were different and it worried me. Then some time passed and you still didn't trust me. But you were over Eva and you two were good friends. So many people started falling for you. Then you introduced me to Kara and we became friends. Many times after that, you would be hanging out with her, and that tore me apart. I know that I didn't always have to be there with you when you two would be hanging but she always had to be there when it was you and me. And that kind of hurt me. My insides started eating all the feelings that I had left till I was empty with only my love for you. That is all I feel now. And I just can't keep breaking like this. We started hanging out again. But you showed less and less attention to me. It hurt so much. I couldn't take it. I needed you. If I could be the kind of girl you fall for, I would change myself in a heartbeat. Because these good memories I have, they will last me a lifetime, but are they even memories to you? Did you ever feel anything with me? Did my kisses ever bring you joy? These questions need answers that I cannot provide. And that you will not supply me with. I take another step forward. Can you stop me before it is to late? Will your heart clue in that I am the one you need? Do you deep down feel the same, but you don't want to let yourself believe it, or just don't want people to know? More answer-less questions. I will be long gone before they can get answered. And only you will know any of the answers. But it only took one thing to bring the attention to me...
Flash back...
I am panicking. My mother has just brought me to the hospital. She has seen my body. We are rushed in and they fix me up. I then am sent off to see the psychiatrist. He smells of soap and hospital. I don't like him. He asks me questions and then writes something on his little yellow paper. Then I am brought back into a little room were I am texting you. "I am so scared to be here. I want to come home." I didn't know how else to say it. But I knew that you could make me feel better."Do you trust me?" The question is so bizarre. Of course I trust you. Don't you know that I almost scream. " Yes" I wait for a reply when a nice man comes in holding hospital gowns. He hands them to me and leaves without a singal word. He needs not to speak anything. I know I am going to be staying. Then you reply "Then trust me when I say this. I promise you that you will be safe. Nothing bad will happen to you. Even if I am not there, I would never let anything happen to you. Neither would your family." I smile. You always did know how to make me feel better. They take me to the mental unit and I am there for a week. I never thought I would enjoy coming home. I was put on some medicine that helped fill up some of my empty. When I got home and called you over, you just couldn't stop hugging me. You missed me. So did Kara and Tiana. I didn't think I was this important to you. To any of you. I though I was just that girl who people go to when everyone else is busy. End of flash back
Being thought I remember the feeling that I had in my chest that day. I remember how happy I felt that you actually cared. And then we started hanging out more. And things changed again. You started showing interest in me. Or that's what it seemed like to Tiana and Eva. I never saw it. You would always say how beautiful I am, but when I look in the mirror, I try to see it and all I see is a fat, pimply, ugly, stupid girl who can never do anything right. Who is always messing up. No matter how hard I try, it always comes out wrong. But yet you still tell me otherwise. Why? Is it the actual truth? Or are you just saying it so you don't sound like an ass when saying no you are not pretty. I can't seem to see what you see. And if I could then maybe I could see how important I am to you. Because I don't see anything important when I look at myself. I love you so much and it hurts to see you unhappy. It is hard to go through this pain. There is a singal light that is surrounded by blackness inside me. That little light is fighting so hard to stay lit. Fighting to keep me sane. Not have me completely fucked up. But its flickering, now and again, but it refuses to go out. You are what feeds that light. What keeps it burning. But if that light goes out... so will my life.
Flash back...
It has been days since we last hung out. You have been out with Kara. I stand in my kitchen, my body pale, skin cold. I hold a knife in my right hand. A tear finds its was to my cheek. I raise my hand. The cool metal of the knife rests on my neck. I am about to drag, but there is a knock on my door. I put the knife down, and go to the door. When I open, I see you and Kara. You both look at me. I must look sick. Kara embraces me. When she releases, she looks me in the eyes,"Honey, are you okay? You are as pale as a ghost and as cold as an ice cube. Come on, I will make you something warm. Tyler, help me warm her up." And with that she pushes past and goes straight for the kitchen. You put your arm around me, "You are so cold. Are you ok?" I wanted to say no. To tell you everything like in the old days, but I can't be a bigger burden to you then I already am. Before I can answer, a scream erupts from the kitchen. You remove your arm and race to find Kara almost in tears with a knife, the knife you just had in your hand, now in hers. They both look at you with pleading eyes. You just look down at your feet. You can't see the hurt right now. Its to much. The light inside you has almost completely gone. You were so close. Kara takes a step towards you, "Mir-" I run. Without even letting her finish I run out the door and down the street. Away from the hurt faces. Away from the pain I just created. I run to my favourite spot. Hidden behind some trees and bushes, over to the heart shaped rock. I sit down. Rest my head in my hands, and fight back tears. Letting the sound of the running water from the little stream that flows through, calm me down a little bit. Then I hear twigs snapping and leaves crunching and voices calling my name. I don't dare move. I close my eyes hard, and pray they don't see you. But you know they will. And you feel someone sit beside you and put there arms around you. This time, the tears flow. I can't hold them back. I turn and cry into the shoulder of the person who is there. Then I feel a hand rubbing on my back and feel another person sit on the other side of me. When I have cried all that I could, I look up. There you sit. Just looking down at me, I look over my shoulder at Kara, who manages a weak smile, and offers me a thermos. I take it gingerly, and bring it up to my lips. I take a sip and warm liquid fills my mouth and body with heat. I take more sips. Hot chocolate. You guys always know, "I thought you guys were going to be mad, so I ran." I sputter out. You let out a small laugh and Kara speaks, "Miracle, we were a little sad, but we could never be mad. Please don't ever be afraid to tell us anything!" She manages a big smile, "Yeah, you can always talk to us. No matter what. We love you. You are family. We are our own family. Ours just don't get us the way we get each other. You have to trust your real family. Us." And I have to smile at the words that just made there way out of you heart. I nod. We stand up and start to walk back to my house. I feel a warm hand grab mine, and then another grab my other. I look down to see you both have linked fingers with me. I feel a small smile crawl on my face. And that fire inside, it was fed, and grew out again...
End of flash back
Being thought So you see that you are the only reason that I get up, that I breathe. You are my reason. And you can burn the fire, but only I can dim it down. And when I break, it dims. I try to fuel it, but only you can do that. So how are you supposed to fuel it if you have more important things and people then me, and you just can't trust me. Why can I not have you there forever by my side, never letting it dim again. Always helping me stay strong. Not hurting yourself. We are a family. The love in our family is so strong. We are what matter to each other, and yeah we love our blood family, but there is a different... spark, that we have, and it is what separates the blood from the true. So why is it that I feel like I am a burden to you? Why do I feel that being around you is what hurts you. Am I the one dragging you down? Did I accidentally grab you while trying to keep myself from falling? Am I dragging you down? Then why is there that little voice in the back of my head telling me that I should let you free. Send you away like a bird. You don't enjoy things you used to. Does that include kissing me? Am I the reason that you can't be you? Is being my friend hard? Then why do I feel like it is. I am ignored and not important, but you are still there. I tell you all my problems, and you don't tell me yours, does this burden you? Yes. You don't need to even answer that. I am a burden to you. I weigh you down with all my problems, plus your own. Would things be easier for you if I left? Would you be able to have a normal life? So it is not as fucked up as mine turned out to be? Maybe.
Actually happening So that is what I am doing this. I am soaking in you every feature. You look over at me. I smile. You smile back and wave me over. The panic voice in my head is screaming get out while you still can. I take a step back. You cock your head in confusion. I watch as you start to stand up. I don't wait. I turn and bolt it out of the room. I hear you call my name and run faster. I am running to the place were I will take my last breath. The last time my heart will beat. I get to the Bridge. I get up on the ledge and look down. The sight of water and concrete calms and frightens me. I take a deep breath, one chance to hit the right spot, or I will be savable and put in a mental place. I can't go to a mental place. I need to be out my misery. Then I hear it. Your voice calls me.I turn and see you running. I step down off the ledge and look at you, "What are you doing here. You should be at the party." I didn't mean for it to come out so harsh, but it did. He looks at me, " What the fuck were you thinking. You weren't actually going to jump were you!" I look down. He takes the silence as my answer, "Why. What is going on that is so bad, you need to take your own life." It comes out so soft. I look up into his eyes. I take his hand in mine, and go on my tiptoes, leaning in and kiss him. One last time. He wraps his hands around my waist and mine go around his neck. I pull away, "I am sorry. I can't keep dying on the inside." I look away. He grabs my hand and with his other hand, turns my head to look at him, "Please don't do this. We can get you help. I think... I think I love you" A small smile tries to play on my lips, "I don't think, Tyler, I do love you. And I am so sorry that you choose now to realize your feelings. No one can help. They never could. No one understands. If there was a way I could stay here, don't you think I would do it? Do you think I want to leave you? You are my reason." I see a tear slide down his cheek, "Please, I need you..." I reach a gentle hand up and stroke his cheek, "There are girls out there worth so much more then me. I was never important. Always just a waste of space. You will find someone better. They will mean more to you then I ever will. Just please, never forget me. Do you have any memories of us?" I hold back sobs, "Yes. Many. And the most memorable one was that first time we kissed. I felt something. And I... I was scared to." This time I have a full out smile. "That is my favourite memory to. Never forget me, or that. This wouldn't be a goodbye, if we didn't have those memories." I kiss him once more. Our fingers still inter-winded, I start walking toward the edge, I see the tears on his face. I feel a tug and look as he tries to pull me down. I loosen my grip and our hands slide apart. One last look in your eyes. I blow a kiss. Stand on the edge. My eyes are closed. I am thinking about all the things that have broken me. I think of the things I will never get to see. I think of all the things that I am going to miss. I think of Tyler. His eyes. His smile. His laugh. Him. 3.2.1. I jump. And my name is heard being screamed by Tyler. My love. And then I am free.
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