Hesitation
Chapter One: Pride and Pain
A/N:Welcome to the first chapter of Hesitation! This is a requested fic, so you can thank michico1243 for the awesome suggestions that eventually led my muse and me to this story. It's an odd fic, in that it's 1st person, but there are two different main characters. I hope the narrator for each section is obvious, but let me know, because it may just be obvious to me. Thanks for reading!
!Spoiler Alert! I realize that not everyone reads the manga. This entire fic revolves around a revelation made relatively recently in the manga that hasn't been mentioned in the Anime yet, so be warned. However, it's a huge topic amongst the fandom, so it's pretty hard to not have at least heard about it. Anyway, major manga spoilers alert, ahoy!
The cheerful weather belied the true atmosphere of the day as my ANBU team and I wrapped up the last hour of our assigned patrol on the outskirts of Konohagakure's territory. Signs of enemy movement had been uncharacteristically scarce, putting us all on edge. The lack of tell tale signs did not necessarily mean that the Uchiha clan had withdrawn from the area, quite the opposite. It was more likely that they were preparing to make a move, and were more carefully covering their tracks.
Grateful for my ANBU mask, I allowed a worried frown to form on my face, out of sight from my four teammates as we leapt noiselessly through the dense canopy. I dreaded every encounter with my former clansmen, not because I felt any sympathy for the traitors who had willingly followed the clan elders into war, but because eventually, I would be forced to face the one person I had hoped I could have saved. It was too late now. He would have been groomed to succeed our father as the head of the clan, and would only view me as an enemy Shinobi. As ANBU captain, should we meet in battle, I would be forced to do my duty, and neutralize the threat to Konoha. I knew what had to be done. I had made such tough decisions before. But I still dreaded the day.
To my left, our lead tracker suddenly changed direction. I quickly picked up on the trail she had noticed, and the entire squad fell into our battle formation. The broken twigs and heavy path was painfully obvious, forcing me to consider that they were not simply being sloppy. It was likely a trap.
As the trail became fresh, I ordered a halt. We had all noticed the possibility of an ambush, and our resident spy, an elder member of the Aburame clan, sent a small horde of his insects to investigate the trail ahead. The rest of us hid and waited, straining our heightened senses for any sign of the enemy. In a matter of minutes, the insects returned. As suspected, not more than a kilometer ahead of our current position, a small faction of Uchiha Shinobi had made camp. Aburame-san seemed convinced that they were low level, and young. It could explain the blundering trail they had left, but we were reluctant to take any chances, and treated the upcoming battle as any other. When it came to the Uchiha clan, every encounter was high risk.
I sent my two fastest teammates in a wide arc around the camp sight, to box in the enemy and cut off any escape route. Silently, we approached until all five of us were within earshot of the young Shinobi.
"We're gonna get into trouble!" one of the boys whined and was quickly rebuffed by a larger comrade.
"We're going to be heroes! Imagine the looks on the Elder's faces when we return with the heads of some Konoha Shinobi. They'll finally be forced to take us seriously!"
Little more than children. It pained me to give the attack signal, but their blood was on the Uchiha Clan Elders' hands, not mine. There shouldn't even be a war. If they had kept their superfluous pride in check, I would have never been given that horrible mission. But if I had been given the chance to do my job, there wouldn't be a war.
Upon my signal, my team descended swiftly upon the enemy. There were eight Uchiha Shinobi in total, and immediately two were eliminated before the others had gathered their wits. I quickly used my Sharingan to immobilize another, drew a kunai and slit his throat. There was no sense wasting chakra on a higher level jutsu, this battle would be too easy. The blood spluttered and oozed out of the wound on his neck as he collapsed, dead before he even hit the ground. It was too easy. Like slaughtering animals.
Five seconds into the battle, and I hardly call it such, and already three enemy Shinobi eliminated. The remaining five were putting up a more admirable struggle, forcing us into one on one battles. I eliminated the unfortunate boy who had picked a fight with me just as easily as the first, and turned my attention to the rest of my team. As I had suspected, the other Uchiha Shinobi were dropping like flies. All but one.
Aburame-san was having a more difficult time with his opponent. The young man was a decent Shinobi after all, and was forcing the older ANBU to pull out some of his tricks. Suddenly, Aburame-san froze as if from terror, and his insects began to shrivel and die. The other members of my team began to rush to his aid, but I immediately stopped them when I met the eyes of the remaining young Uchiha. Not only had he activated the Sharingan, but the tomoe was changing. He possessed the Mangekyo.
I wasted no time activating my own Sharingan, wincing inwardly at the familiar stinging burn in my eyes, but I was not fast enough to stop the Uchiha from thrusting a short sword at Aburame-san. My teammate was able to gather his chakra enough to prevent the blade from damaging any vital organs, but the wound would still be fatal without medical attention. I stepped into the young Uchiha's line of sight, and used my own Mangekyo to counter his weaker version. I focused my chakra, pushing past the agony of the jutsu, and ignoring the damage I was causing in my own body. The Uchiha Shinobi's eyes rolled back into his head, and he fell forwards, brain dead from the intensity of the Tsukuyomi I had used.
My own exhaustion from using a higher level jutsu in my condition was likely nothing compared to what Aburame-san was experiencing. He kneeled, hunched over in pain from the stab wound. His chakra signature was weak and erratic, testament to the power of the Mangekyo even when wielded by a weak and inexperienced Shinobi.
"Carry him back," I ordered, and two of our teammates readily draped him over their shoulders. Fully aware of the urgency of his condition, and willingly ignoring my own, we set out at top speed back to Konoha and the hospital.
Somehow, I had managed to do it again. My hospital shift was supposed to be over at noon, but I was swindled into having lunch with one of the higher ranked nurses, who then talked me into covering her shift for her, because she had a 'family emergency' that afternoon. I knew she didn't suddenly want to be nice to me, I knew she wasn't just looking to enjoy lunch with me, I knew her emergency was likely in her pants, but I agreed anyway. She didn't even pay for the food, which tasted like shit anyway, so today was shaping up to be a total loss.
I told myself that I should know better. I told myself that I should be used to it. But my footsteps were heavier and my face was twisted in a frown as I marched down the antiseptic smelling hallways of the hospital doing someone else's rounds for the fourth time in a week. Just because I was one of the youngest medics, the others all thought they could take advantage of me. Just because I was still only a Genin Shinobi, the others had no respect for me. I could absolutely be a Chuunin! I just never have time for the exam because I'm always doing everyone else's busy work. That's all.
The Hokage herself had been training me, didn't that mean anything to them? Well, in reality, she hadn't been doing much training at all. Tsunade-sama was so busy with the war, that she usually just sent Shizune to give me scrolls to read and instructions on how to train. I really hadn't been getting much in the way of real instruction or direction, and without any feedback, I had no idea how much the independent training I'd been doing was working. I did more than the scrolls instructed. I read more than she gave me. I thought I was getting better.
But no one at the hospital would let me do much more than basic first aid, and I hadn't been allowed on a battle field since being assigned as a medic. It was frustrating, this feeling of treading water and going nowhere. I had vowed to my parents to get stronger after they had died in the first wave of the war, but now I felt like they would be disappointed in me.
My former teammates from the academy were improving, and rising in rank. Naruto-kun had been training with Jiraiya-sama, and was already a Chuunin. Few people mentioned it, but it seemed like he was being groomed to be the next Hokage, just as he had always dreamed. Sai was training with Kakashi-sensei, and had easily become a member of ANBU, often going on missions with Kakashi-sensei, and even the ANBU captain himself.
I had gotten left behind, told that being a medic was important, and that everyone was appreciative. I was told I was a vital part of a battle, though I was rarely allowed within half a kilometer of one. They meant well, but it seemed that everyone, my coworkers, my superiors, and even my friends were only spoon feeding me enough compliments and gratitude to keep me in my place. My friends wanted to keep me safe. My superiors wanted to keep me out of trouble. My coworkers wanted a scapegoat. What happened to what I wanted?
Halfway through my rounds, the emergency alarm went off. It happened multiple times daily, but the sound was startling enough to replace my grumpy face with one of shock. I quickly gathered myself, and tore down the hall, hoping for the chance to make myself useful for once.
When I arrived in the emergency wing, the injured ANBU was already being loaded onto a stretcher by two of his teammates. He was clearly wounded, the blood trickling down the front and back of his uniform. His chakra was also weak, suggesting either chakra exhaustion or trauma to his chakra circulatory system. Not that my observations mattered, the more experienced and higher ranking medics probably already noticed all of that.
The injured ANBU was quickly carted off by a gaggle of medics while the head orderly addressed the remaining teammates. I soon realized that one of them was the Captain of ANBU, supposedly the most powerful Shinobi in the village, even more so than the Hokage herself. There was a rumor going around that he was an Uchiha, and many questioned his loyalty, though Tsunade-sama didn't seem to be one of them.
"Do any of your other men need medical attention?" the pudgy old woman bowed politely to the captain. Standing off to the side, completely ignored by those around me, I noticed something in the way he was holding himself. It was forced, and his chakra was flowing sporadically, as if disrupted by an invisible blockade. My mind wandered over the endless pages of medical journals I had read, searching for a condition that could explain the odd, nearly invisible symptoms. I finally realized that he was in severe pain, though I couldn't tell the source, and he was skillfully hiding it.
"No," I heard him answer the orderly from behind his mask, "We are uninjured."
The ANBU turned to leave. I couldn't just let him walk out of the hospital like that if he was seriously hurt! I had to do my job.
"But, you are injured!" I shouted, sounding less professional that I had hoped I would. The three lower ranked ANBU turned to look at me, but the captain only stopped for a second.
"Sakura!? What are you doing here!?" the head orderly had finally noticed me. In front of everyone in the emergency wing, she scolded me, her hands resting on her chubby hips.
"I- I heard the alarm… s-so I came down," I stuttered, suddenly aware of every pair of eyes in the room judging me like some criminal.
"Get back to work!" the old woman pointed at the stairs leading to the wing where I should have been doing my- someone else's- rounds. The ANBU captain continued to the door, and his teammates obediently followed. With a sigh, and a vicious glare to the back of the orderly's head, I resigned myself to my place, again, and skulked back up the stairs.
On the way to the Hokage's office, I considered the information we had gleaned from our patrol. The incident with the juvenile Uchiha had left a bad taste in my mouth. The encounter went poorly for what should have been an easy battle, because he somehow possessed the Mangekyo. Was it an accident, like how I had received mine, or were the Uchiha Elders intentionally manufacturing soldiers with the Mangekyo by pitting friend against friend?
It could certainly explain the lull in major activity for the past few years. The Clan hadn't made a serious offensive since the attack that had killed the Third. Their temporary ally, Orochimaru, had been seriously injured, and the Uchiha Shinobi had been driven off, their numbers slashed, when Suna eventually realigned with Konoha and sent aid. Had they been using the time to rebuild their troops? Had they been developing new techniques? How many of them had the Mangekyo now?
It was a disturbing revelation, one I urgently needed to share with the Hokage during the debriefing. I also needed to resubmit, for the seventeenth time, my proposal for the ANBU Medic program, considering the routine patrol we had been on resulted in a severe injury. If we hadn't been at the end of our shift, we would have had to split up or abandon the patrol to get Aburame-san the medical attention he needed. A field medic would have negated that decision, and the patrol could have continued.
Unfortunately, my timing was poor, and considering the mood Tsunade-sama was likely to be in upon hearing the news of the Mangekyo, I would be lucky to get only a verbal beating for my persistence.
"Come in," the Hokage immediately summoned us into her office when we arrived for the routine debriefing.
"I've already heard about your teammate in the hospital, please, Itachi-san, elaborate," Tsunade-sama rubbed her temples and sighed, a clear sign of frustration, and a sign for me to choose my words carefully and say as little as possible.
"The eight Uchiha Clan Shinobi we encountered were low rank, likely no more than Chuunin level, possibly Genin. However, one of them possessed the Mangekyo Sharingan, though a weak version of it," I paused to allow the Hokage to consider the implications herself.
When she didn't look up or respond after approximately one minute, I continued, "I was able to easily counter the Genjutsu and he was incredibly susceptible to my own, but my concern is over whether or not he obtained the Mangekyo accidentally or if he was ordered to obtain it by his superiors."
The Hokage eventually slouched back into her chair, and took a deep breath. After a few seconds, she nodded slowly, likely coming to the same conclusions I had earlier.
"Good job today, I will take your observations into consideration and inform the council of the possible threat. Dismissed."
My teammates immediately disappeared to recuperate before our next patrol tomorrow morning. Tsunade-sama raised an eyebrow at my lingering presence. I bowed my head slightly, hoping the gesture of respect would smooth over her temper.
"Tsunade-sama, if I may-"
"God DAMNIT Itachi!" her fists slammed down on her desk as if punctuating my name, "If this is about the field medics, I know! Alright!"
Her outburst was enough to penetrate even the sound proof walls of her office as I sensed several nearby chakra signatures cringe as much as mine. She reigned in her temper and her shoulders drooped. I stood my ground silently as she continued more calmly.
"I know. I had the same request as you when I was your age, but the war then prevented it, and the war now prevents it. We don't have any ANBU level medics besides me and Shizune, and believe me, we are too busy. Training takes time, and the academy is under enough pressure to turn out new Shinobi. Asking them to double train would take too long, and- you know all of this," she was frustrated, but sympathetic.
And she was right, I did know. But somehow, I felt like we needed to find the time. If the Clan was busy training Mangekyo Shinobi, then maybe we should take the time to at least train a few medics.
"I understand, Tsunade-sama," I bowed, and quickly left. It was a bad time to argue about it, and the Council would have enough on their plate tonight.
I took several soldier pills on my way to my small apartment directly outside of the old Uchiha compound. It was becoming increasingly difficult for me to keep food down, and I was tired enough that I didn't want to fight nausea while I attempted to rest. It was becoming a problem, but my suffering was a fair punishment for my failure.
I would need more than one night's rest for the searing crippling pain to dull to an ache, but requesting time off would force me to reveal my condition to the Hokage and my team.
"I may already have some questions to answer if my team reveals the observation of that junior medic to Tsunade-sama," I reminded myself as I recalled the pink haired girl's declaration.
How was it possible that she had noticed my condition when Tsunade-sama and other more skilled medics seemed oblivious? It would warrant avoiding the hospital for a little while. I was too valuable an asset to the village to allow them to worry themselves over me. My own research into the medical field had convinced me that healing the extensive scaring to my eyes and chakra pathways was impossible, even for Tsunade-sama herself. If it was my destiny to die from this, then so be it.
The streets were empty on this side of Konoha, though the sun hadn't fully set yet. None of the civilians ventured near the compound that once housed Konoha's Police force, fearing that the Uchiha Clan might still linger inside the walls. However, the compound was abandoned, but even I hadn't found the courage to step back inside even once in almost seven years. My fears were of a different nature, though.
When I entered my one room apartment, I headed immediately for the cot. I sat down, exhausted, but found sleep once again, just outside of my grasp. Instead, I meditated, calming my mind as much as possible and willing my pain to subside as I waited for the morning and my next patrol shift.
The hall was empty, and taking the opportunity, I scurried out of the exit before someone else could sweet talk me into covering another shift. Two in a row was plenty, thank you very much. It was bad enough I would have to be right back for my own shift bright and early the next morning.
The sun was near setting, and too tired to attempt to tackle cooking, I decided to stop by a food stand and order take out. The nearest vendor was Ichiraku's so it wasn't surprising when I felt a familiar chakra sitting at the bar.
"Hey, Naruto-kun!" I greeted cheerfully, my fake smile in place. No sense in dumping my problems on him, he might as well assume I had a good day. He turned around, ramen noodles still dangling from his mouth. With a slurp and a grin he threw himself off of his stool.
"Sakura-chan!" he hollered and scooped me up in a bear hug. His enthusiasm was a little heartening, I hated to admit it, and my smile became a tad more genuine.
As I ordered my food, Naruto chattered away. The small talk was of the typical subjects, training, ramen, anything other than the war. Naruto hated talking about it, and even mentioning a subject that could lead to a conversation about the war was a sure way to dampen the mood instantly. It wasn't avoidance on his part, I understood completely. The war permeated every aspect of our lives as it was, it didn't need to be talked about amongst friends too.
My food arrived, and we said our goodnights. I headed home, hungry for my take out and longing for my bed. I didn't hurry much though, every passing second just put me closer to having to face the next day.
A/N: Just a short chapter to introduce the major characters and the setting. Feedback both good and bad is greatly appreciated! I hope you all enjoyed it!