A/N: In response to Paris in December's Pick-A-Plot Contest. My plot prompt was: "It is revealed to the wizarding public that Severus and Harry are in a relationship. The papers are wild with speculation, but they're not actually together, as it's just a rumor, but now that the story's out there, one or both of them is determined to play along and see what happens."
"What the bloody hell is this?" Harry slammed the paper onto the table of Grimmauld's kitchen.
Hermione craned her neck around his arm to get a good look at the front page of the Prophet, and promptly fell back into her seat giggling.
"Oi, what is it?" Ron lifted the paper and scanned the article, his face growing increasingly green. He finally threw it back onto the table, scowling intensely. "How are you laughing?"
"Oh! It's just... Harry. And Severus. And the sex!" she choked out.
A sooty Ginny entered the kitchen bearing a gleeful expression and her own copy of the Prophet. "Oh good!" she exclaimed, "You've seen it, too." She and Hermione glanced at each other and both burst out laughing.
By the time they calmed themselves, Harry was staring blankly at the floor, and Ron was pacing furiously, his face still rather green. Every now and then he would stop, shake his head madly, and then resume his determined crossing of the room. Each time he did this, Ginny and Hermione would giggle all over again, knowing he was trying to shake the visual from his head.
Neither of their Hogwarts relationships had subsisted—Ginny and Harry had never gotten back together after the war, and Ron and Hermione had quite quickly realised they weren't meant for more than friendship. Ron and Padma had a wary sort of relationship going on, and Ginny was seeing someone, though she wouldn't say who. Hermione knew it was Draco of course, but Ginny thought she was being supremely stealthy about the entire thing. At any rate, the trio was living together at Grimmauld Place, and Ginny was still at the Burrow, and they had long ago overcome their post-dating awkwardness.
"Alright! I've got it!" Ron announced suddenly, calling all their attention to his decisive form. "First, Hermione forces Skeeter to write a retraction, yeah? Then, we force her into her bug form, and lock her in an airtight container, charmed unbreakable, and bury her in the Forbidden Forest!"
Even Harry laughed at this.
"I say if Ms. Skeeter wants a story, we give her a story," came a silky voice from the doorway. Hermione let out a small 'eep' and then shared an admiring glance with Ginny. Severus visited on occasion, and Molly had long ago wrangled him into attending Weasley family dinners. With the war safely over, and having emerged from the sunless dungeons, he was actually rather handsome—though the nose was still a bit tricky to get past.
"What sort of story?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"Yeah, what kind of story?" Ron echoed pointlessly.
Severus swallowed his exasperation. "I propose we play along."
Ron and Harry shouted in protest, and even Ginny seemed sceptical, but Hermione was nodding pensively. "It's probably the best plan of action," she confirmed, "Let me explain!" she added hastily before Ron could murder her on the spot. Harry was stark white.
"Look at it this way. Homosexuality is not the issue here, right?" No one was quite sure why this was such an important fact to establish, and Harry narrowed his eyes at her. She wouldn't… Would she? But she didn't, and just continued in her explanation and so he leaned back, slightly relieved, and listened.
"The wizarding world is fairly accepting of it—particularly in pureblood circles—so that's not the real scandal here. The scandal is that A) Harry Potter is no longer our most eligible bachelor, and B) that he's been taken by the brooding potions professor whom everyone loves to hate and cast aspersions upon. Agreed?" Everyone nodded slowly. "And we all know the way these things work. Harry and Severus can protest and deny until their throats grow hoarse; no one's every going to believe them, and Harry will lose his credibility and his popularity with the public."
"So we spin it our way," Ginny stepped in, seeing where this was going. "They play along, showing that they're not afraid to hide their true colours, the scandal fades, and Skeeter loses her power, Harry maintains his, and Severus gains a certain credibility in the eyes of the public."
"Precisely," Severus concluded.
"No bloody way. There's got to be something else. Anything else."
"Oh sod off, Ronald. What do you know, anyway?" Ginny retorted.
Harry heaved a sigh. "What would this require?"
Severus sneered a little. "A little hand holding, perhaps. A few public appearances. Then we may 'break it off' and move on with life."
The Boy Who Had Survived turned a pained look on to his most trusted advisor. "This is really the best way, 'Mione?"
Her smile was sympathetic, but her eyes still sparkled with amusement at the general situation. "Well, I suppose we could go with Ron's plan…"
His grin was more of a grimace really, and he nodded reluctantly. "Alright then, I suppose we should get planning."