Title- Foundation
Author- ShawThang
Summary- Follow up piece to "His Gift"- Xander is gone. How can a house remain standing without its foundation?
Rating- PG
Spoilers- The Gift
Disclaimer- None of the characters belong to me.
Author's Note- This is the follow up to "His Gift", so if you haven't read that you may want to back up and take a quick squiz at that first. Oh, come on. Don't be lazy!
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Foundation
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He is gone.
It doesn't seem real until they lower his coffin into the ground. We huddle together at the base of his grave, staring at the grass, the dirt, the sky- anything but the words scribed into his headstone. The other mourners wander away, leaving the six of us by ourselves. The sun is shining brightly, its touch warming our backs but leaving our front cold. Cold like we are frozen inside. The sun should not be so intense, and the heat should not warm us so.
He was our sun, our heat, and he is gone. We are numb, cold, frozen in our disbelief. Lost in our denial. We all expect to be shaken awake at any time. We all wait for the warm relief to flood through us when he wanders over to us and cracks jokes about cemeteries on sunny days. But he will not come. He will not be there tonight when we go home, just like he won't be there tomorrow when we meet at the Magic Box. Just like he won't be there the next time we go to the Bronze, or the next time we go patrolling as a group.
Spike tries to comfort Dawn, but she is inconsolable. She may have had a crush on Spike in recent years, but her first love will always be Xander. Was always Xander. She looks at the fresh mound of dirt and pictures his body beneath it, compressed within the walls of his coffin. The thought sickens her and she struggles to hold back the bile rising in her throat. There will never be anyone else who understands her. Who understands the limitations of being a normal human. Who can talk words of wisdom in layman's terms for her to understand. Dawn has lost him, and as much as she wants to obey his final words, she finds them so hard. Live for me, Dawnie. They echo through her mind in an endless circle, never letting her forget his final request. She remembers his eyes when he said them, too. They held no blame, no fear, no bitterness towards her. He did not blame her for sending him to his death. She clutches to this thought, and promises him that she will try. Try to live for him.
Spikes holding the Bit up, his arms wrapped around her chest. She is leaning back into his body, seeking something close to a pillar of support as Xander had once been. He never had the greatest relationship with him, but they both knew it was mainly an act to uphold appearances. Neither had any real complaint with the other and Spike wishes he could have told him…Told him what, exactly? He doesn't know. Despite the lack of other male individuals, they never had a chance to bond in the macho way men surrounded by women usually did. There are many things Spike regrets, and this is one of them. He has been a failure all his life, and Xander's death is just another one to add to the list. Maybe if Spike had been faster or more agile he could have gotten to Dawn and prevented this death. There were so many maybes he could go through, but he did not dwell on them. He wanted to uphold Xander's unexpected request, and he was determined to do so. Xander's words, spoken in the Magix Box before they left for the battle in a soft whisper: You'll look after them? Spike tightens his grip around Dawn, pulling her closer. He promises Harris right then and there, that he would keep his promise. Spike gently guides Dawn away from the grave, towards the shade of a tree not far away.
Tara holds her girlfriend's hand, offering support if she needs it. She doesn't stand too close, though, in case Willow wants space. She reads the words on the stone again, wondering why they aren't registering. She has memorized them after numerous readings, but the meaning refuses to penetrate the thickness clouding her thoughts. For so long she begrudged Xander his closeness to Willow. She fought against the bond they shared, their impossibly entwined way of thinking and reacting, each grounding and encouraging the other. There was always a place where she could not reach in her girlfriend, a place that will forever hold the love of the man they just buried. And Tara finally comes to peace with it. She doesn't want Willow to give that place to her now that Xander is gone. She wants Willow to remember him and love him as much as she always had, because without a reminder of her best friend Willow would cease to love. And Tara loves her too much to allow that to happen. So she will be there for her girlfriend, because she knows what its like to lose the most important person in the world. Tara says her final goodbye, and walks away to join Spike and Dawn.
Giles stands in the centre of the huddle, wrapping his arms protectively around the shoulders of his family. Willow to his left; Buffy to his right. There is a gap where Xander should be, a hole that no one can ever fill. Since the beginning it has been the four of them, and now there is only three left. He mourns for the boy who became a son to him, and nearly startles as realization settles in. This man- no longer a boy- is gone. Xander, who came to him as a fresh-faced, naïve but eternally optimistic teenager, has given his life for the world. He had given so much for those he loved. Given his innocence by staking his best friend. Given his trust so easily to whomever he met. Given his helping hand to whoever needed it. Given his blood for his friends. Given his life to the cause. Giles has only one regret. He regrets that he never told Xander how valuable he was. He knows now that without him, they would all be long dead. Thanks, had been Xander's last words for him. Giles could only return the favour. He thanks Xander for holding them together.
Willow knows that Tara has released her hand, but the loss of the softness of her girlfriend's hand does not penetrate the shell covering her. A shell of numbing emptiness, a protective cloak that shields her from the reality. She can not believe she has organised this funeral. She can not believe she has spent the last two days ordering his coffin, flowers and burial space. She wants to laugh at the absurdity of it. Who would have known ten years ago that she would organise her best friend's funeral after he saved the world? Xander Harris, saviour of the world. She wants to laugh, but she's afraid she will cry instead. Should she cry? There were the moments following the discovery of his broken body on the ground, where crying seemed like the only thing she could do. She doesn't think she could do it now. If she starts she knows she won't be able to stop. Is that really an excuse? She realizes that she is mind-babbling, and the thought brings unbidden memories to the surface. Xander, teasing her during one of many babble fests, and then at her crestfallen face, leaning over to squeeze her shoulder. You know I love you. So similar to his last words to her, a last reminder of the friendship she will always hold close to her heart. Willow feels a tear trickle down her cheek, and the words on his grave stone blur. No! She doesn't want to lose him…Can't lose him…But she has. A single, heart-wrenching sob escapes her lips, and Willow falls to her knees, hugging the soil of his grave.
Buffy watches Willow collapse and slowly kneels on the soft grass. She slides her hand down the redhead's arm and gently entwines their fingers. She feels Giles firm grip on her shoulder and listens to the muffled whimpers of Willow's grief. It seems wrong that the three of them are here, sitting atop the grave where Xander is buried. It seems wrong, because she believes it should be her below the earth, finally at rest. She was ready- willing, even- to take the plunge, to dive of the end of the metal construction and fall into oblivion. She wanted it, goddamn it. But he wanted it more. He had given his whole life, given selflessly, given wholeheartedly, and he had given the ultimate sacrifice- his life. Buffy wishes it could have been otherwise. She wishes that he had let her done her job. Allowed her to fulfil her destiny, finally give what she was born to give. But like twice before, he had given her another chance at life. He had offered her his gift to disqualify her own. Buffy glances at the sun, her face streaked with tears. Take my gift, he had said. She accepts it.
The three of them cling to each other. They look at the bright, sunny day and their surroundings. They look at each other, trying to offer comfort with familiar and understanding gazes. They all know that it will be hard without him. They understand the difficulties they will face, the hardships they will struggle through. Their bond will be strained to its very limit before they finally let him go. For how can a house remain standing without the foundation?
They turn as one, and read the words etched into his gravestone.
XANDER HARRIS
1981- 2001
BELOVED FRIEND
OUR FOUNDATION
HE SAVED US ALL
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The End
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And that's it for this story. I was going to continue, but I feel that this part offers closure and nothing more needs to be said. Any advice or comments welcome!