Chapter 1: Dear Evan Hansen

September 21st, 2016

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day because

Evan paused. He bit his bottom lip. The events of his senior year flashed through his mind.

It seriously had been an entire year. High school was over...college classes had begun...

you are in college.

One good thing. Right?

Your mom is healthy and hard working as always.

He heard the said woman singing Josh Turner from the kitchen. A smile tugged on Evan's lips.

Your arm is not broken.

He looked at said arm. A long white scar ran along from his elbow to his palm. His heart twisted as he took in a deep breath.

And you are you and that's all that matters.

Sincerely,

Evan Hansen

Evan looked at his work and leaned back in his chair. A year of writing these letters. They help, more than Evan thought. It was gradual. Not like, "Oh! I am no longer depressed!" That doesn't happen overnight. But the progress he made was good.

The young adult looked at his shelf above his bed. His mind arriving upon that same person.

I wonder if Connor would have been alright if he did the same thing. Maybe he could have been here…

Evan shook the thought away with a heavy heart. The past couldn't change. People don't get second chances. Wished they did, but they didn't. He couldn't help himself from thinking that if he could have been there for the teen, then maybe he wouldn't have killed himself.

Maybe they could have been real friends. Connor did sign his cast, unlike Alana and Jared.

"-fake friends…"

See how well that turned out. The Murphys seemed fine. Last time he spoke to Zoe, she was content. The family got over their son's death. They were closer.

Evan's mind still wandered to the realm of "What if…"

Evan flipped his paper to the other side and wrote out his heart.

What if Connor didn't kill himself?

What if we were more than "fake friends"?

What if the Murphys could have helped him?

What if I did something?

What if I had a redo?

What could I do better?

"Honey! Dinner is ready!" The cheery voice ended Evan's train wreck of thoughts. Evan turned around to be tackled in a hug.

"What did you write today?" his mom inquired. She looked down. Evan felt her take a deep breath.

"Uh...what's for dinner?" Evan asked awkwardly. His mom rubbed his shoulders.

She must have noticed his attempt to redirect her attention elsewhere. The woman hummed, "Spaghetti and meatballs. This time I didn't burn the water!"

"Congratulations," Evan replied.

"I know right? I can totally be a high class chef!"

Evan giggled, "Yes, you already are."

His mom let him go after patting his cheeks. "Come on college boy! There's some yummy garlic bread that's calling for that tummy!"

Evan stood, "Yes I hear their dramatic cries to be eaten."

His mother smiled as she leaned in the doorway. "And don't forget honey…" Evan couldn't breathe for a moment, "We all make mistakes. And what we can do is learn from them, and live better so it doesn't happen again."

Evan gave a weak smile, "Yeah...I guess…"

"Be more affirmative! Say yes ma'am!" his mother saluted dramatically.

Evan's smile grew and he mimicked her, "Yes ma'am!"

"Alright! Let's march to the kitchen!" She pivoted behind her and announced, "Left! Left! Left! Right! Left!"

Evan glanced at the paper on his desk before following her lead.

What if…

August 3rd, 2015

Ah milk time. It was practically the only time of the day where Connor felt normal. Practical. Fine. Sane? Hell he didn't know what but damn the milk was good. His mom was saying something about him going to school on his first day of senior year.

"It's your senior year Connor, you are not missing the first day!" his mother exclaimed. She was busy buttering her toast. Connor pursed his lips.

What was the point? He go to school to be called a freak? A school shooter? Be ignored or worse noticed?

That place was hell.

It's not like anyone would miss him if he didn't show up. "I already said I'd go tomorrow."

This place was hell.

"He doesn't listen," his father groaned. Connor rolled his eyes. They didn't want him either. School was the only other way to get rid of him. "Look at him." Connor froze and looked at the wrinkly jacket he wore. It was soft. Maybe it smelled cuz he wore it last night while smoking on the rooftop but hey, it was comfortable. "He's probably high."

I was high yesterday, there's a difference. I don't smoke before seven. Too damn early! Connor wrinkled his nose. Why was he up this early again? Oh right, milk. Connor took another sip from the carton.

"He's definitely high." There goes Miss Perfect! The jewel of the Murphys!

"I don't want you going to school high Connor!" his mother groaned.

Loophole

Feeling his anger bubble to the surface, Connor feigned shock, "Perfect!" He felt his own bitterness turn into a smile, "So then I won't go. Thanks mom!" He left the milk on the table. His stupid sister grabbed it for her cheerios. His father groaned about the traffic as Connor stormed off to his room.

Rebellion screamed at him to go to school. Just in spite of his perfect family. They don't want him going to school? Well he's going to go to school.

"Connor finished the milk!"

Connor headed to his room upstairs. He slumped his handbag over his shoulder and slipped on a pair of shoes. Gazing at the mirror he saw his watery eyes surrounded by a pool of insomnia. He ran a hand through his unruly hair. Do I seriously look like I'm high? He couldn't hold back the frown that weighed down his heart.

"If Connor is not ready I am leaving without him."

Milk time is over

?

When Evan opened his eyes he screamed. There was a cast on his arm.

A cast on his arm.

He was sitting at his desk in class. A few students stared at him. Wait. He was in a high school classroom. If the teens bolting out of the room were any indication. Not college. High school. Evan took in the familiar surroundings. This was his senior English classroom. These students were teenagers. Teenagers that he really didn't know but they were teenagers.

"What's his problem?" a girl whispered.

Evan froze. What was going on? Why was he here? Was it some kind of dream?

The boy tapped the all too familiar arm. It was too real to be a dream. He bit the inside of his cheek and winced. Yep, not a dream. Unless he is a dead sleeper. Evan highly doubted that.

"I dunno, apparently that freak went off on him earlier," another replied.

Freak? What's going on?

"I would be freaking out too. Connor is scary."

"We gotta be careful though. He'll probably shoot up our school."

Evan looked at the date on the whiteboard. It was the first day of his senior year. He took in his classroom that was almost empty. Jared, his sort-of-friend approached him. "Hey, you fell asleep in class. Kinda funny!" he joked. "Did the school freak haunt you in your dreams?"

Is he talking about Connor? But he killed himself! Evan slapped his forehead, his eyes wide as a thousand questions blew through his mind. None of this is making sense!

"-nyways, class is over and-" a long bell rang throughout the school, "it's lunch time. Bye!" Jared practically waltz out of the classroom.

Evan stood as the few students in the class left. Evan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Ok so he went to bed last night after having spaghetti and meatballs. He joked with his mom and contemplated about impossible second chances right before he fell asleep.

That made sense! It's what happened!

Evan wakes up in his English class in high school.

Uuuh, that's where Evan got lost.

Maybe this was some kind of crazy dream. Maybe if he did what he did before then he would wake up. What did Evan do after class on the first day? God it was so long ago! Evan tapped his fingers on the metal desk. Think. Think. Right he went to the computer lab and printed out his letter to himself! Evan stood with renewed purpose.

Evan did as before, he awkwardly walked through the hallways to the computer lab. He tried to see if anything was out of place. There were the old, clean tiled floors. Then there were the groups of students talking and giggling as they headed to the cafeteria. A few wandering teachers marched off to who knows where...everything seemed to be in order.

Except Evan of course. Nothing made sense.

He made it to a computer. He pulled up a file where he left his letters to himself. All he had to do was type and print it out. Wait. The letter he wrote to himself was already in the computer's saved files. Evan didn't have to open a new one. Did that happen last time? Whatever, Evan printed it and turned around to grab it. He froze.

Connor Murphy sulked into the room. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to emphasize their dark green gaze. Connor scanned the stunned Evan and scratched the back of his messy brown hair.

"Hey-uh…" Connor cleared his throat. Wait I remember this… "I'm sorry for earlier. That wasn't-" Connor sighed, "-cool…"

"Oh" Evan squeaked.

Oh? Wait is that how I responded?!

"I just got upset over what that asshole said…"

Evan remembered that Jared called Connor a school shooter after bumping into him. Evan was so scared. Back then, he was different. Most of the students called Connor names anyways. Before his actual death, Connor was scary. When Evan thought about it, that's all because everyone treated him like a freak.

Evan waved his hands and smiled awkwardly, "Its ok! I get it!" Connor pursed his lips. Evan didn't remember that. Wait, did Evan say the right thing? What did he say before? How is he supposed to get out of this situation again?

"No one signed your cast?" Connor asked. Evan's heart dropped. Maybe he did say the right thing. Connor whipped out a black marker. "I am not the best person around but...we can just pretend to be friends. Ya know, fake friends."

Evan forced out a laughed, "Haha yeah…" Gulping down air Evan said, "Thanks."

Connor signed his name. "No problem friend. " Connor turned around. Evan remembered.

He would turn around and see that letter in the printer. He would see that and he would read it. That's when Connor stormed off. That was the last time Evan ever saw him. Evan can just let this happen and wake up from whatever this is. Nothing can change. His mom said so. Its all mistakes of the past. He just has to learn from it. Evan was a jerk who took advantage of Connor's death for his own gain. Tears began to form in his eyes. This moment felt like it would never end. He could just let it happen, then everything will be fine. Evan ended up ok. He started the Connor Project that's inspiring thousands of people around the country to reach out. That's a good thing!

I can learn from my mistakes

Evan didn't think. The paper Connor was reaching for flew in the air. A flash later and Evan realized he could try out for the football team since he tackled Connor to the ground.

This definitely did not happen last time.

Author's Note:

Honestly, I dunno if I will continue this. I came up with it on a whim and I would love to continue it. This is great practice! But I would like to know how it is written and if other people would like to see where this goes.

Thank you for reading! Leave a comment, follow or a like. I would love feedback!