Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Author's Note: Sorry for the Sasuke death thing. It just happened. I don't hate Sasuke at all. Hope for reviews and feedback! Thanks
Life is comprised of cycles of life and death. Itachi learned this long ago and had thought he'd accepted it. However, he never thought he'd have to watch his brother's life flicker out before his eyes. He never expected to be guilty of that final crime, of stealing his brother's last breath from him. During their confrontation Orochimaru had been extracted but the damage had been too much for Sasuke. He had gone into shock, and then had had a seizure, and finally had died. It happened so fast, there was no time to respond. Itachi frantically felt around for a pulse, desperate to find one. He tried to breath life back into his brother. He tried to heal him with everything he had, but it was too late.
Itachi wiped the blood from his eyes, and the sweat from Sasuke's face. There was some spittle on the pale mouth, and Itachi dabbed that away gently. In the first few minutes he couldn't grasp what was happening. It seemed nothing moved, and he couldn't think past watching Orochimaru's snake escape without a backward glance. The nausea in Itachi's gut grew as a bubble of some emotion seemed to rise slowly within him.
No, this wasn't happening.
When Kisame arrived, he was silent. Itachi watched him sit and they stared at each other for a moment. Having a witness made things feel more real, and Itachi looked away from him. There was some distant understanding but mostly just denial.
"What happened?"
"Orochimaru."
"I see. You ok?"
"…"
Itachi hugged Sasuke to his chest and pressed his forehead to his shoulder. It was over. Sasuke was gone, just like that. Itachi felt the weight of sorrow sink deeper even as he was relieved of responsibility. He couldn't fight any more. There was nothing left to fight for.
He slowly brought his shaking hand up to Sasuke's skin and touched his two fingers to his forehead.
"I'm sorry Sasuke. I can't …"
He choked on the words and remembered all the times he had let Sasuke down. He had let Sasuke see him as a murderer. He had let Sasuke be seduced out of the village by Orochimaru. Itachi should have killed Orochimaru when he'd had the chance. He should have done so many things differently. He had just wanted one more chance to make things right, and it turned out to be one too many.
"Itachi," Kisame called.
The wind had picked up and night was falling. Itachi studied Kisame in a daze. He had always wondered why Kisame didn't attack him when he was weak. All those times when Itachi had to rest the sharingan and Kisame had the opportunity to kill him. Now he just didn't care. If the man wanted to attack him Itachi would let himself be killed in a moment. He had no will to protect himself. He had lost his only brother. His only family.
"Sasuke."
He had always been protective and of Sasuke. Reluctantly Itachi admitted he had killed Sasuke himself. Sasuke's body had been weakened and had even become dependent on Orochimaru's host. The sudden change had been the final straw for Sasuke.
Itachi felt himself wake suddenly and then realized that he had blacked out. Kisame was close now, bracing Itachi to keep him from falling. Itachi avoided looking at Sasuke while he gripped Kisame's leg, bracing himself. He couldn't find any interest in these mundane details right now. Nothing seemed important to him anymore.
The clouds had blackened, and it began to drizzle. Then he realized he couldn't take a cowards way out, even if it was tempting to do so.
"I have to take his eyes. Nobody should be allowed to steal them," Itachi said.
He did what he needed, using his hands to pull the powerful organs out, and gently tuck them into a handkerchief. It was a moment of vulnerability that he normally would never show before anyone, not even his partner. Kisame watched, fascinated, waiting. For what Itachi didn't know.
All he knew was Sasuke was dead.
His agony was alive within him, sawing away at his head. He wanted to throw himself down beside Sasuke, and rest there with him. He would give anything to trade places with him. Itachi trembled and heard a moan. Then he realized that the moan was coming from him and that he was once again falling to the ground beside his deceased brother.
Kisame shuffled his feet, uncertainty and shock playing across his features, warring for dominance. Itachi rocked back and forth, covering his eyes with both hands. They ached with unshed tears and agony from too many powerful jutsu used.
"Itachi, you know…"
"Sasuke, Sasuke. I've got nothing left. Why did this happen? Sasuke, why?"
"You did your best, Itachi. There was nothing you could do."
It was Itachi's turn to be shocked, though distantly. He never would have expected sympathetic words from his Akatsuki partner. It might have broken his heart again, if it wasn't already broken. He had been paired with Kisame almost on a whim, and it seemed the man had truly come to respect him, or even like him.
What a laughable concept. He had always been suspicious of the man, wary around him, and all along Kisame was growing fond of him. Or perhaps just somewhat friendly? Itachi wasn't sure and didn't really care. It was all so pointless in the end. Every move he had carefully planned, and every string he had intricately pulled, all for this devastation.
"Sasuke, you were the only one I truly loved. I just wanted you to be safe. I only ever wanted you to be happy… Why is there so much violence? Why so much death?"
The tears finally formed and fell, trickling down among the raindrops. Kisame watched him from his towering height, his great sword a constant presence on his shoulder. The threat always there, that one day Kisame would turn that sword on Itachi. It was never more desirable an outcome than now when Itachi had lost the one thing he cared about in the world.
Instead of uncovering the sword, Kisame lay it down, and offered some wraps and cloth to Itachi. He meant to cover Sasuke respectfully with Itachi. Itachi struggled to sit up once again but didn't take the wrappings.
After his tears dried up, Itachi grudgingly did cover and bury Sasuke there in the ruins where they had fought. Kisame stood respectfully by, alert and solemn. It was why they had worked so well together. Despite Kisame's boisterous attitude he was well mannered. Itachi stared at the small stone he had placed at the head of the grave. On it was his brother's name and the date. Kisame had carved it out for him, since he was still struggling with disbelief and shock.
Kisame stayed with him there for endless days. Itachi was completely lifeless. He had been struggling to maintain his act for so long, but it no longer came so naturally. He was an emotional mess and couldn't hide it. Kisame knew him well enough to see that he was destroyed by Sasuke's death. Itachi went to the grave every day, and lay beside it, talking to Sasuke. Kisame would finally drag him back to the small room they were renting, and force feed him. He even bathed him once, when Itachi was caked with mud, right after it had happened. That was a moment he would rather forget. Kisame seemed so utterly respectful, that it was bizarre. Nobody had ever cared for Itachi before. He'd never needed it. Never been that weak before.
It took a full month before Itachi began to function without help. He began to do things for himself again, though half-heartedly. He wasn't the same anymore. Sasuke had taken his spirit with him when he'd gone.
Then one day Kisame was preparing to leave. Itachi had dressed himself that day, and had even eaten something, though it tasted like dust in his throat. He'd forced it down.
"You're not coming with me, are you?" Kisame asked the next day.
"No."
"I suppose this is it then? You're just leaving?"
"…I have nowhere to go."
"You could just come with me."
"What's the point?"
Kisame was speechless for once, and Itachi brooded in the silence.
"What, you're just going to stay here?"
"I don't know… no."
"Where will you go?"
"I may return to my village."
"Good luck with that…" Kisame said, doubtfully.
Once he had the idea, it suddenly seemed like the only thing to do. He wanted to be someone else. He wanted to forget his life, his mistakes, and all of his misfortune.
Decision made, Itachi took the coat that labeled him a criminal, and the missing nin fore-head protector, and destroyed them. Then he tossed out the black nail polish, with a tiny smirk. He wouldn't miss the extra work of painting and repainting them that ridiculous color.
Next, Itachi cut his hair completely off. He was going back to Konoha. This time he'd live the life he had meant to live, as a regular citizen. Nobody would know who he was, and he wouldn't even try to pass as a ninja. Thoughts of Sasuke filled his head. He no longer had a purpose, and no longer had any family. The only connection he had with Sasuke was the village.
Itachi spent his time traveling, bartering for new clothes, getting a tan, making sure he resembled nothing more than a farmhand. He could do manual labor, work with animals, something helpful. That was his new goal. Nobody could begrudge him this, not if they really knew everything.
The pain of loneliness still ate at him, and his guilt for all the death on his hands still burdened him. It was only right that he now pay for his crimes. He wondered what his old Anbu teammates would think of him slipping back into Konoha. They'd be furious, he thought. They'd want revenge. If they found him out, they could have it. If he gave them a chance. He wouldn't fight them. No, he was done fighting. He'd slip past them like a ghost and keep to himself.
Itachi thought about nothing else but the food he would eat, the beauty of Konoha, and the bittersweet reunions he would have. He would slip in and live his life, as if he had always been there.
Itachi forged the papers and paid the fees for new identification. There were enough bandits around, without any conscience, whom he could count on to help him. He was tempted to put them out of their misery but refrained. Itachi was already seeped in blood. He no longer had to be a criminal.
That's how he found himself in the middle of a Konoha rice paddy field below the mountain. He stooped, picking the plant and breaking his back all day in the blaring sun. It was honest work, and he sweat through his overalls to do it. He recognized every inch of land in Konoha and knew who owned it and who lived on it. He couldn't avoid remembering the politics, even as he avoided it. He was the bottom rung of the ladder, and he cherished every moment of real work.
The owner of the farm was an older woman who had thirteen children, none of which were shinobi. She didn't know anything about ninja, and only spoke of the things that mattered to her and her land. He learned a lot from her and cherished her. Her name was Sashi. Itachi became her number one worker, and he lived in the barn of her farm.
"The war is coming, they say. We must give to the cause, they say. I want to know where they think this extra food is going to come from? Where will we get the money to support this massive army?" Sashi muttered, as they cleaned up for the evening.
"Don't worry, mother. Yuki is here. He works enough for three men," her son, Ryuichi said.
Itachi's undercover name was Yuki now, and he nodded solemnly toward Ryuichi.
"Good thing too. What with all the rations needed, and the budget cuts from the Hokage. We must all make sacrifices."
They had watched from their vantage point on the rising slopes of Konoha as the armies came together and set up camp. Itachi was there for months, and he had finally relaxed a little into his role as the farmhand Yuki. After months without using the sharingan his eyes were finally healing a little. He didn't dare use them.
"Yuki, I need some help bringing the rice over to the village. Do you mind going?" Ryuichi asked, solemnly. "Sorry to ask so much of you after everything you do for us. We are short handed now, because of the war. All of the retired shinobi who used to work for us have gone off to fight."
"Of course," Itachi said. He was brown as Ryuichi now and blended in with the other farm hands now. He hadn't been recognized for months but he still had reservations about going into certain parts of town.
Itachi helped him load the wagon, wiping his face with a green handkerchief and donning his gloves. He wore a white shirt and blue overalls and had kept his hair close-cut short to keep up his disguise. He still had a bad feeling about going into town. He had always stayed behind before, so his heart beat was racing. He put the handkerchief around his neck and left his straw hat behind. It wouldn't do to look anything like Itachi Uchiha of Akatsuki, he thought.
The town was looking somewhat deserted. People were readying for war, and the most noble of families were either directly involved in the fighting or the politics of war. Itachi made sure he copied Ryuichi's slightly stooped gait, and his simple manner. They were surrounded by the other citizens, working hard to unload different packages of food. Shinobi were more and more rare as the preparations moved forward.
Itachi almost let his guard down, when suddenly a man appeared with a forehead protector on. He hailed Ryuichi and asked him some questions as Itachi inwardly cringed. The man glanced at him momentarily but simply smiled and kept talking. Ryuichi nodded, and gestured toward Itachi, who tried not to frown grimly back.
The shinobi was a chunin. How Itachi knew this he couldn't pinpoint exactly, but the man didn't have the demeanor, nor the eyes of a killer; he was too bright to be a jonin and too strong to be a genin. There were many signs. He was quite a tan man, slightly older than Itachi, with brown eyes and hair. He laughed sheepishly with an arm behind his head while he talked. His hands were covered in pen marks and paper cuts. A desk worker. The man glanced around the clearing, purposefully, his observant eyes taking in everybody and everything. Someone of high clearance, as well, and probably higher connections.
"Yuki, this is Iruka-san from the Hokage tower. He needs our help to deliver this to the base. He couldn't get anybody else to assist."
"Shadow clone-no jutsu!" Iruka muttered, expertly making the seals.
"Let's go," Iruka said, and his clone nodded.
"R-right," Ryuichi stuttered, staring at the clone.
Itachi blinked and stared as well, trying to mimic Ruichi's surprise. They all jumped into the wagon, and Iruka lead the way to the base, where the rice was needed. Then they all jumped down and unloaded the rest of it there. Many familiar faces passed as Itachi worked. He could name every ninja that he saw, even some classmates of Sasuke's. It was refreshing to be among allies, and people who he secretly respected. He kept his chakra to a minimum and relied on his muscles to lift and unload. Iruka was efficient, and they were done quickly. Then Iruka offered them a white envelope and bowed them off. They went on their way and Itachi breathed a quiet sigh of relief.
"Shinobi really are show-offs, aren't they?" Ryuichi mumbled.
"Hm. I think he just wanted to get it done quickly, Ryuichi-san."
"I used to think I wanted to be a shinobi, but now I'm just glad for my simple life."
"I agree."
They made their way back, selling off what they had in the market, and then returning to the farm to eat supper.
"Did you see the White Fang's son? He's a general now, isn't he?" Sashi asked.
"I wouldn't know, which one is he?" Ryuichi asked.
"The one with the silver hair, and the mask. He's famous, how could you not know?" Sashi said, exasperated at her son.
"I think I saw someone like that," Itachi remarked.
"He's a handsome devil," Sashi said, with a wink.
Itachi hunkered down, trying not to blush. He had been very uncomfortable when Kakashi appeared, and not just because he was a former teammate and would recognize Itachi easily. He was also someone who Itachi had betrayed and would think badly of him because of it. Their last encounter had not been a nice one. Itachi regretted that he had caused his former comrade to suffer so much. On top of that Kakashi was a genius, and very observant. He could rival Itachi for skill and had the sharingan.
Thoughts of the sharingan naturally reminded him of Sasuke and derailed his worries. Itachi took his leave and went to the barn early. Sashi asked him if he was alright, and why didn't he stay for a game of mahjong, but Itachi demurred and made his excuses. The light of the moon winked down at him, and Itachi let his memories drag him down again into the dark places where his brother was still alive and happy.