Hello everyone! Angel the Neko here to say "I'm not dead!" I've just been rather busy lately and I've been concentrating hard on my fanfictions. This here is a oneshot I wrote a while ago. I wasn't in the best of head spaces- I was a little upset to be honest. I don't think listening to HetaOni music was the best idea but venting out my feelings into something more creative certainly was!
The songs I listened to while writing this are Call, Symphony 04 and a few other songs from the HetaOni soundtracks but mainly those two. If you'd like to listen to them while reading, you may. I think they really set the mood.
If you haven't watched HetaOni then do not read this. It contains spoilers if you haven't watched/played. Then again, you've clicked on this story after seeing the description so I'm pretty sure you know what's going on.
Title: The spark that once was
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or HetaOni. If I could make something as epic as those two then believe me- I would.
Summary: England has gone blind and America takes full responsibility for it. He believes that he's the one that's made England this way, that he's the one that killed the spark that once was. HetaOni, slight USUK.
This oneshot doesn't have a pairing- yes I do write things like that. However, some things in here can be interpreted as USUK. And believe me when I say this: I actually didn't mean to for once.
Tanoshimi!
I miss them...
Do you know what it's like to lose something? To know something so beautiful and precious will never be seen again? That's what I feel right now. Though I can't even begin to imagine what he's going through.
And the worst part is: I'm responsible. Sure people say I'm not but that's easy for them to say. I'm the one that provoked him. I'm the one that couldn't stop that... That... Thing...
...I'm the one that made England lose his sight.
I take full responsibility for what I've done. Even if England says otherwise. I've ruined something wonderful for him, and worse still, I've indirectly hurt myself too.
There once was a spark in England's eyes. No matter how he was feeling, no matter what emotion he was experiencing- it was there. When he was angry, which was what I often saw, his eyes would burn with a passionate burning flame. When he was sad, they would glimmer with pained silvery sparks- tears threatening to fall. And when he was happy, which was a rare treat for one like me, they would shine happily, twinkling with a star-like radiance... That was when his eyes were at their best.
But now, the spark has vanished. His eyes are merely a dull shade of green, the spark completely gone. His soulless eyes seem similar to Japan's but... With a different feel to them somehow. I've seen Japan so angry that his eyes have become a cold yet piercing sharp glare, yet I doubt England could do the same as he is now.
But that's not the only thing, now England is like this his attitude has changed. He used to change his emotions often. More often than not, he would be angry- usually because of something I did. Those were the days when I'd enjoy winding England up, when it was just for fun. Other times he'd just be that lonely guy I know so well- he always was better off on his own, working as a solitary nation.
But now, the only emotions I see are despair and confusion. Confusion because the world is now not as clear as it once was. Sure his other senses are intact but that doesn't make everything better. Now he wears a forever dazed and puzzled look, confused by the unknown that surrounds him.
And then there's despair, because now he feels useless and weak now that his magic is all gone. It pains me to know he feels this way, but it must be a thousand times worse for him.
"Hey England! I got you a burger!" I say happily.
"Oh... Is that so?" He asks, looking off in another direction and avoiding my eyes completely.
I know he doesn't mean it- I'm sure that if he had the choice then he probably would look at me, but that still doesn't stop me making a look of pain and hurt. For once, I'm glad he can't see me. If he could, then I can't imagine how he'd react.
Faking a light cheery tone, I press on with the conversation.
"Yeah! I figured it'd make you feel better! You remember the time I put a burger on your forehead to cure your cold? Classic memories!"
"I don't quite remember..." England whispers. "I was ill after all."
"S-so!" I continue, my voice faltering slightly. "I figured it'd make ya feel better now! Just like old times y'know?"
"Yes I understand..." England nods slowly. "But... It can't... I mean... It's not like it can restore my sight... Or my powers..."
At this point. I have nothing left to say. His gaze is fixated on nowhere in particular, everywhere but my eyes. I feel like I'm going to snap... Like I'm going to cry or-
"Ah but mon ami! You must try zis burger in particular! It looks simply delicious!"
Saved by the frog. France steps in enthusiastically taking the seat next to me and opposite England. He looks happy. Even though it feels like almost a waste to be looking so happy when England's like this, he still tries. Maybe France isn't all bad after all...
"France... I thought you... Hated America's gross fast food?" England frowned, staring at neither of us still.
"Oh but Angleterre, it looks just as good as some of ze stuff I make!" France declares proudly. "'Ere, I shall try a bit of ze meat..."
Then France takes the burger from my hand and tears a piece of the meat away from the inside of the burger. After swallowing, he makes a face of disgust and raises one eyebrow at me. Before I can say anything though, he turns to England and smiles.
"It tastes good! 'Ere, you try now." France says, offering England the burger.
"Alright then..." England mutters, preparing to take a bite.
Then I get up and as I do, France and I exchange a look. I nod at him as if to say 'thanks' and then I leave to go sit somewhere else.
Deciding that the area where we keep the food is a good place to sit, I place myself where I will not squash or damage anything. Sitting here, I can watch England but stay out of his range of hearing.
I hang my head and sigh. I really am hopeless. Some hero I am, I can't even cheer England up. I need France to save my butt on that one.
"That was your rast burger, wasn't it?"
I look up. Japan (or Honda Kiku as he had chosen to be called while forming our alliance) looks as he always does: silent, sincere and never failing to properly sense the mood.
"Yeah..." I sigh, getting up slowly. "But I really wanted to try and make him feel better..."
"You certainry tried your best. And I am sure that 'Alfred' would appreciate the sentiment." Japan explains.
"It's Arthur. I'm Alfred." I correct him.
"Oh, sorry. My memory is not the best so I should probabry stick to our nation names."
"Yeah..."
That's right. Arthur is England and I am Alfred. No matter how badly I desire, no matter how desperately I want it, that will never change. I'll never be able to switch positions with him. Especially since now his magic is all gone.
"You do know that it was not your fault, don't you?" Japan frowns sternly.
"Sure I do! I understand everything 'cuz I'm-"
I stop myself mid-sentence. Sure I love to make myself think that I'm the 'hero' but... Can I really keep saying that? Is it really still true? As usual, Japan can see right through me.
"You are rying to me aren't you?" He asks.
"Normally I'd deny it but... Yeah. I don't know. That's because it was my fault. I didn't ask him for advice. I made him run off like that! ...I made him lose his sight."
"Even Engrand himself states he was being reckress." Japan reminds me. "He doesn't think it's your fault."
"Yeah but-" I begin to argue.
But I stop myself just as I begin to start for suddenly I see France looking over at us and gesturing me and Japan over to him. He looks a little worried, the panic obvious from his facial expressions. Without another moment to lose I run over, though Japan seems perfectly content with a mild stroll towards them.
"Hey France, Iggy. What's up?" I ask.
France says nothing. He just jerks his head in England's general direction and immediately my attention goes to him. England looks distressed, panicked even. Like there's something nagging at him.
"I'm just saying, I think I'd be okay to cook!" England huffs as if he's been trying to convince France for a while now. "America managed to make this burger for me, so I want to be able to return the favour! Why can't I cook?"
"Because, you might burn yourself." France explains. "Or you might cut your 'and by accident or go for ze wrong ingredients or..."
"Are you trying to suggest I have lame cooking skills?!" England snaps. "I'm a fine cook thank you very much and I'd never make such a simple mistake!"
"But England you're..." France began.
But he couldn't finish. Even if England had let him he wouldn't finish. The situation pained France a little too. He obviously didn't want anyone to go through any further pain.
"Or maybe you like me feeling like this?" England frowns. "After so many years of me tormenting everyone, you think it's all a good laugh to see the mighty British Empire like this. For all I know, you could be silently laughing right now!"
France obviously has no idea what to say. On his face I can see only shock. Japan looks just as stunned and he isn't trying as hard to cover it up like usual. England looks crestfallen- simply speechless. Slowly, he rests his head on the table and places down his arms.
"I really am useless now aren't I?" He mutters. "Before I had gotten my magic back, I tried to make up for it by cooking. Even then you were all secretly thinking I was useless- I could see it in your eyes. But... I thought it was okay, because I had the reassurance of my magic coming back to me soon. But now... Now I'm really useless. I can't see through you like I did back then, but trust me- I know. So go ahead, take a look. Have a jolly good old laugh about the joke that is the United... Bloody... Kingdom..."
France and Japan look fully overcome by shock. The bearded nation holds his head in his hands and Japan just rests his hand on France's shoulder. Slowly, France gets up and just before he leaves with Japan he says one last thing.
"You are wrong, mon ami..." France whispers. "You are wrong."
And they leave without another word.
Now in all honesty, there has been only two times before in my life that I have seen England this way. The first was when I was a child and he and France were fighting for power over me. He had gone into a depressive mood similar to this one when he thought he had lost and France had won. Thankfully, that time I had been able to lift his mood when I had chosen him as my big brother.
The second time was at the end of the Revolutionary War. I had thought he was going to shoot me, but then he told me couldn't and fell to his knees crying. Back then I couldn't lift his mood. I didn't want to for he was no longer my big brother.
But now... I don't know how to lift his mood. It's the lowest he's ever been and it can never compare to the times before. But... There is one similarity I've noticed between now and then: all of these low moods- the fighting, the revolution, the sight- they've all been cause by me. I'm the one that causes him so much pain, so I'm the one responsible.
I sit down and rest my hand on his back. Instantly he jolts up in alarm.
"Wh-who's there! France? Japan? Maybe... That thing? ...No... Germany's place is safe so it couldn't be..." England says in a panicky tone.
I open my mouth to speak, but no words escape. I cannot speak. Even if I could, I would not know what to say. While I experience this tough situation, England begins to get a little more scared and flustered.
"C-come on... Who is it?" He stutters. "C-Canada? China? Russia? If this is Russia it's a really sick kind of joke to worry me like this!"
His voice is beginning to crack now and he sounds scared. He thought of so many other people, but not me. And just for that, I no longer want to speak. So, I get up and remove my hand, walking a short distance away just to hold my temples between my thumb and index finger so I can have a moment to myself. Finally I find myself being able to speak, though my voice is croaky and barely even a whisper.
"I'm so sorry... England..."
I close my eyes. Surely all of this is a crazy dream? It must be. There is no way, we nations would get into a mess this complicated, there's no way we'd go through this much pain, no way we'd all be working together in a desperate hope to survive...
...But of course, there must be a way because we are here and it is happening. No dream about it, this is all completely-
"America? Is that you?" England calls.
I turn around- shocked. How could he have heard me? As I said before, my voice was barely even a whisper and I had gone quite a bit away from England just to have my moment to myself.
"Y-yeah it's me..." I mutter, walking back. "How'd you know?"
"Well they say that when one sense diminishes, the other increases." England explains, shrugging his shoulders.
"Guess it must be true then..." I laugh nervously.
"But America, why are you apologising to me? And moreover, why aren't you doing it face to face?" England asks, obviously concerned.
"Well I uh..."
"You... What?"
It's now or never. I have to tell England. I at least owe him that much.
"I made this happen, England." I say grimly.
"H-huh?" He frowns.
"I caused this. Your... Sight problem..." I explain, not being able to bring myself to say it in proper terms. "I made you do this because like you said, I never asked you for advice. I should have, I know that now but... I only realised when it was too late- when you... Could no longer see."
England looks shocked now, just as France and Japan were before. But... I don't stop, even with that heart-wrenching look. I continue onwards, just as a true and proper hero would do in a tough scenario.
"I always say I'm the hero, but in this situation- I wasn't. I was the opposite. I didn't save you. No matter how hard I want to now- I couldn't do it. I'm a failure as a hero. I take full responsibility for what I did."
England still looks the same, but he isn't looking at me. This is like the most saddening thing of all: he can no longer look me in the eyes. Why? Why does that upset me so much? I slam my fist down on the table in a mix of anger and despair.
"You were right England! I should have listened to you! I should have asked you for advice!"
Then, all of a sudden, I feel a kind soft hand over my own. I look up to see England with those emotionless dull eyes. But I don't need to look into those eyes to tell what he's thinking. After all, I can see by his warm yet weak smile.
"America. I don't blame you. You've caused me so much pain over these centuries but... I know it was what you had to do. You had to choose me as your brother, yet you had to become independent. It's all a part of who you are, and I like you for who you are because although you've caused me pain, you've brought me happiness too."
Does... Does England really mean that? He seems to be telling the truth...
"So please know that I don't hate you and that I don't blame you. That would be the last thing I wanted. It would cause us both a lot of pain and grief. I don't want us both to bear this on our shoulders. Let me deal with it: it's my problem."
That's where he's wrong though. I don't want this to be just his problem. So, I raise my hand and lift my two fingers. He seems to sense I'm doing something because he is frowning and flinching back a little.
"England, how many fingers am I holding up?" I ask.
"America... You know I can't..." He whispers.
"Well I'll help ya out a little. It's two. Two fingers." I smile. "And from now on England, I'll be helping you like that. I'll help ya cook if ya want, I'll explain situations to you, I'll provide explanations... I will help you England. I won't let you suffer through this alone."
"A-America..." England begins.
"Please England, it's the least I can do..." I whisper.
"W-well... Alright..." He nods. "But please don't blame yourself. I'd hate for you to do that."
"Sure England..." I say.
But deep down, I know that's a lie. I said that I would never forgive myself for what I'd done, and I'll do just that. It will always be my fault. And until the day comes when his magic or sight miraculously comes back, I will blame myself. I will carry the burden.
But... Now that England is like this... And now that I... Maybe... I can...
That's right, because England is...
Later...
Normal P.O.V
"And so you trace your fingers over the bumps rike this." Japan explained, only suddenly realising as he demonstrated that he couldn't use phrases like 'like this' to teach something to England. "Uh... I mean..."
"It's alright Japan. I've seen brail before- I know how it's done." England smiled weakly.
"That is good, I will go and get some sentences for you to try." Japan nodded.
But just as he was getting up to leave, he noticed England looking sadly to the side with a glum look imprinted onto his face. Japan tilted his head to the side at England.
"Engrand? Is there... Something wrong?" He asked.
"O-oh no Japan! Of course not!" England smiled.
"I see, I will be back in a minute."
Then he left the room, leaving England to himself. Now that he was alone. He let out a long, unhappy sigh and held his face in his hands. He was finally alone now, so he could really let his emotions loose.
To be perfectly honest. He was just as upset about this situation as France, Japan and America had been- if not more. True he had seemed rather upset earlier, but since then he had tried to hide it. In fact, even when he had given in to his little outbursts, they weren't as intense as how he really felt.
He was trying so desperately not to worry them but now he just had to release those unhappy feelings now that he finally had some privacy.
Little did he know, he was being watched by someone- someone who had been watching him and Japan for a while now, someone who was dying to get something off his chest.
So slowly, the figure approached England, the little island nation suspecting nothing... Until it happened.
"Ah!" England gasped.
Lips crashed against his and he found himself being kissed by an unknown stranger. Their lips felt so soft and loving and the kiss was so passionate- like that of someone who had deep feelings for England, and ones that had most likely lay dormant for a long time.
But slowly, the lips parted from his, and the footsteps England could just about hear left him in the next few seconds. He traced his fingers over his lips. Who had kissed him?
Maybe... Since he had left, it was Japan? He could never be vocal about his feelings and now would be the perfect time to strike. Then again, it was Japan and in didn't seem like something he'd do but... His fellow island nation was full of surprises.
Perhaps it was Russia trying to make him one with him? Or China trying to fool him? It couldn't... It couldn't have been Germany could it? All of these suspicions seemed unlikely, so England kept searching for another solution.
What if it was Canada? If England had to guess, it certainly had felt sort of like Canada somehow. But... Again the conclusion didn't seem likely.
Was it France? It would make a lot of sense if it had been. France's romantic endeavours never ceased to amaze him, but now he could try all he wanted and England could never be sure it was him.
Or maybe... It was America? Perhaps he still felt guilty and wanted to make it up?
England kept replaying these possibilities over and over in his mind. Who had kissed him? Did they have feelings for him? Were they teasing him?
His lips curved into a smile. Whoever it was he would not be forgetting anytime soon. He had the feeling that the mystery kisser would not be revealing themselves until a given time, perhaps if he got his eyesight back? Maybe once they escaped? Or maybe these were all false assumptions and the mystery man would never come forward.
Either way, he would find out. It seemed losing his sight had given him a little more excitement than he had first expected.
"I have returned a- Engrand? What are you smiring about?" Japan frowned.
"Nothing..." England sighed with a happy smile. "It's just... Not being able to see... Might have its advantages..."
"That is good to hear..." Japan smiled.
I miss them... England's spark that is. I miss the roaring fiery spark of when he's angry... I miss the depressed shimmer of when he's sad... I miss the ecstatic twinkle of when he was happy...
No... That's not it... The truth is...
I miss England...
...Okay the last part with the kiss was just to make things less depressing. It's almost like an added bonus just so that Arthur feels better. However, I have not mentioned who the man kissing him actually is. Personally as a fan of USUK, you know who I'd like it to be. But if you ship something else, that doesn't stop it being someone else.
Admittedly, I was going to say it was America at first but he makes a deal with himself to not tell England until he can get his sight back or they escape the mansion. However, I found it a lot more fun to leave it as a mystery.
Please review! It would really mean a lot to me if you told me what you think. Plus you can tell me who you think the kisser is! Even if I won't actually tell you...
Sayounara minna-san!
~Neko