Emo Mario- Chapter 1
I snorted a line of cocaine last night. I just-a don't know what to do with myself anymore-a. I'm-a lonely! I'm-a feverish! It's-a tearin' me apart!
Peach-e. She-a left me. Out in the cold. After all I've done for her! I have-a saved her life on-a many occasions! I have-a rubbed her feet in the dead of night one cold winter when I stayed at her castle. I have-a brought her the finest grapes and wine from my home-a, in Italy. I've gotten a freakin' wax so that she be comfortable when I take a shower and don't warn her to shield her eyes. I am her masseuse! I am her caterer! I am her gardener! I am her freakin' knight in freakin' shining armor! And-a what does she do for me!
"Oh Mario, please come to my party."
"Oh Mario, eat some cake and lets-a make your ass a little bigger."
"Oh Marioooooo you're so brave and-a handsome!"
She does nothing! She is a lazy bitch-e! Yet I crave for her return! I crave for the day a letter arrives on my sad and lonely porch, telling me she wants-a me back! I am used to getting nothing in return! That is how my life works! I strive over and over, protecting the weak, drop-kicking the evil, and buying the groceries for Luigi. You think a man like me has no feelings? And a-simply does what he's told?
I have a vast array of emotions! Of intimacy and jealousy! Of joy, and vengeance! Of passion, and sorrow!
Every night I'm-a being pulled further and further into a pit of darkness! I see not! I cannot feel, except for the burn that-a numbs in my heart as the days go by! I-a lay in my night-robe pondering the world I exist in, of the life I used to live, and every memory causes a sparkling-a tear to meander down my cheek.
I-a lock the door, and when Luigi calls for dinner or asks if I am okay, his-a voice is soft and-a sad, and lonely for the brother he once knew. I don't want to hurt him anymore. I want everybody to be happy. I want to see the toads and goombas play outside-a my window. I want to see my brother get-a married. I want the flowers to bloom, and the sky to clear, and-a the world I protect to be forever covered in-a sunshine. But they are too busy worried about me.
And I ask you: who worries about Mario? I am a nothing. I am a lowly fool who mourns for little reason. I am a shmuck who mopes and-a complains instead of being optimistic. It is time I wither away in the Earth's gentle soil. Time I find-a my place in the Heavens. But-a nobody cares what time it is for Mario. I have to go out to battle again…and it will tear at my soul.