If anything will keep me safe it's this picture. All my love.
- George
The words kept whirling around Alec's head as he watched the city flash by. The movement of the cab was making him sick.
'Probably shouldn't have had that last drink too,' he thought wryly.
He had wanted a break, for one night, with his family. He had wanted to feel good, happy, balanced. Everything he had been before opening the damn box. Relationships were so frustrating.
"Sir, we're here," the driver said a couple of minutes later.
The engine was still running. So, Alec paid his fare and got out. As the cab drove away, he got out his phone, checked for any messages from Magnus. The warlock had been a no-show tonight and of course, Alec was worried. He always worried even though he knew Magnus was immortal.
No messages.
He briefly considered calling him. But, in the state he was in and all the unresolved emotions he was battling with, that would probably be the worse course of action. So the young shadowhunter turned around to walk back to the Institute.
And stopped.
He had given the cab driver Magnus' address. Hardly a surprise since he'd been coming there every single night for months now. Alec stared at the dark windows, not really wanting to be alone in the huge apartment. Plus, these days he felt like he rarely belonged. So much for this attempt at making breakfast to smooth out those feelings. Instead, he had ended up angry, hurt and helpless.
"Alec."
"I should probably go," he heard Clary say. "I'll let you know if I find Jace."
As soon as the sound of her steps rounded the corner and disappeared, a heavy silence settled.
"Alec," Magnus began. "Are you alright?"
"Not really," the young man replied, refusing to look at the warlock. Somehow, looking into those eyes did not make him feel any special or comforted anymore.
"Do you want to talk? Why don't we go upstairs, shall we?" Magnus said softly, as he approached his boyfriend.
Alec shook his head. This whole thing was turning out to be more than he could handle. On top of that it didn't help that everyone around him thought that his relationship would miraculously be perfect again every time it suffered a blow.
Magnus took hold of his hands and came to stand in front of him. Seconds later, they had been transported to the living room. Alec broke free and took a couple of steps back.
"Alexander please talk to me. What is bothering you, my previous relationships or my immortality? I've told you I love you and you could never be a burden to me. Never!"
If only it was that easy of a problem, Alec mused. However, they might be shadowhunter and warlock, angel-blooded and downworlder but yet, emotions were never easy.
"A friend said to me today, Nephilims love once and they love fiercely. I love you Magnus," Alec said brokenly.
"I know you do sweetheart…"
"Do you? Or do you think it's because I've never had a relationship before, then I may not necessarily know what love is."
"No Alec! I never doubt your love…"
"Yes, you must do Magnus. Or else, you would have listened. You would have told me who those things in the box belong to and you would've shared your past with me. Instead you hide things and you treat me like a child who does not know his own feelings!"
He stared at Magnus, realising that he had raised his voice to shout at the warlock. Alec felt a headache approach. He really did not want to be doing this right now.
"I've loved in the past Alexander and I've lost them. I don't see why talking about them now would change anything," Magnus said quietly, going to stand at the doors of the balcony.
"It would help me. I feel like such a fool Magnus. My love for you is a once in a lifetime thing. I fought my parents for us, I fought my people's rules and customs for us. I may be new to the relationship thing but ours mean everything to me. Whereas I know for you one day it will only be a memory in a box.
How do I deal with that?"
Magnus stared at over at the lights of this city. Not a second had passed since last night when he hadn't thought about that same question. Then, the answer came to him when he heard the name Herondale again.
"Every night when we fall asleep Alec and I hold you in my arms, I do it like it might be the last time. You walk out of the door every morning to face some kind of unknown danger, more powerful everyday and I am left behind worrying about your mortality. That fear that I might lose you any time haunts me Alec and I have never felt so vulnerable about anyone as I do you."
"What are you trying to say?" the shadowhunter asked tentatively, coming to stand behind him.
Magnus turned around to look at him straight on.
"I'm saying that we both deal with our own demons. I may be immortal but never in my life have I had to deal with so many powerful vampires and seelies and angels and greater demons. I could have easily died last year when the Soul sword was activated or when Valentine possessed my body. What we have in a once in a lifetime thing for me too and I want it very badly even if it scares me sometimes too."
Alec wrapped an arm around him and rested his forehead on his shoulder. These arguments were helping no one, he realised. Immortal or not, he loved Magnus.
"I love you too much to fight anymore tonight," he concluded. "Let's go to bed."
Magnus sighed, knowing the storm had only abated, not gone. But if it meant that he could hold Alec for one more night and reassure himself that he still had him safe, Magnus was ready to let their ghosts lie for now.