I'm the only one who knows that he sometimes wishes he was dead.
Mist pours off the castle. I push my head out of the cold stone window. Humid air blasts my face and I pull my head back in. I sigh. I'm still alone. I sit in this room with its blank white walls every day. Day after day. Day after day. Day after day after day after day.
I haven't eaten in a week and its showing. My ribs are sticking out of my chest. You can see my bones jutting out of my stomach. It growls at me. I want to eat, but I can't. This room has no doors. Only floors, walls, and one window. They only come when they want something. When they want me to screw with some one's head.
I slouch down against a wall. They're all the same, I think to myself. Axel, Larxene, Vexen. All they do is take and take and take. I know them. They all dress the same. They wear black cloaks. They all smell the same. They smell of hateful death and darkness. They steal hearts so they can create hearts for themselves. They can't feel anything. They can't feel emotions.
He visited me once.
I lay on the floor. It's cold. I don't understand why they keep me here. They could just smell me out if they had to. I wish I could… I wish I could see him… again. The one that dresses like them. He dresses in the same black cloak. He smells the same. But he's different. He's different. He feels different. He has long ivory colored hair and a sinewy body figure. His face curves sharply from his nose down to his lips. He has russet coloured skin that matches up appealingly with his amber eyes. He would think things over before you would hear his smooth and deep voice. He breathes slowly and evenly.
We talked for a while.
I'm not sure if he's one of them or not. He dresses and smells like them. But he acts different. He thinks a little one-sided, and he doesn't talk much. But when he talks, it's simple and blunt. He tends to cut corners a little bit. I like that.
He's a little childish.
A foul smell hits my nose and I sit up. It smells like one of them. I don't want to do it again. My stomach tightens. Darkness. That's what I smelled. Darkness. I see one of them. I see a cloaked figure. I can't tell who it is. It raises its hands to its cloak's hood and pulls it down. It's him. Xemnas. His silvery hair falls over his face. He brushes a strand behind his ear. Click clack. His boots hit the floor as he walks toward me. I look up. He's standing above me now. He crouches down and meets my eyes.
"Namine." his voice is quiet.
"Xemnas." I greet him. A small smile darts across his face, but then it's gone. The smell of darkness is strong, but I don't want to tell him. It scares me. The darkness. But I want to be part of the darkness. Part of the darkness that he is.
"I haven't seen you for a while." I say. A pause. Then he responds.
"I've been busy." He says. My stomach tenses and lets out a desperate moan of hunger.
"You haven't eaten for a while, have you?" he asks. I turn my head and stare straight in front of me. I don't want to meet his gaze. From the corner of my eye, I see him move to sit at my left hand side. His shoulder brushes firmly against mine. I roll my head so that it rests against his shoulder. I don't change my line of vision. I just keep staring ahead.
"I…" a tear bleeds from my eye. I pause. I can't think of anything to say. I'm hungry. I'm starving. I haven't been fed. I've been locked up like an animal for so long that my memories are starting to blur. But he's here. I can't say I'm hungry because he'll think I'm being greedy. I don't want him to think poorly of me. He'll leave if he thinks poorly of me. I don't want to be alone again. Even as the acrid stench of darkness emanates from his body, I can't help but feel loneliness seep back into my heart. I have one. I have a heart. But I can feel it. I can feel that he doesn't.
"Namine," he rephrases, "Are you hungry?"
The teardrop continues to roll down my cheek and it reaches my lips. It flows into my mouth, and I bite my lip, until I feel blood trickle into my mouth. It tastes bitter. The blood and tears taste bitter. I weakly bob my head up and down in response to his question. Once again, my stomach screams in agony. I stare at my feet. He gets up from my side. He leans down a bit and offers his hand to me. Limply, I lift my arm up and plop my hand into his. He firmly grasps it and pulls me to my feet. A little too quickly. I can feel the blood rush out of my head as my vision spins momentarily. My stomach is still screaming, and my mouth is dry. The breath is sucked out of me for a moment as I regain my balance.
"Can you stand?" he whispers. I know I can't, I'm too weak, but I try anyways.
"Eehh…" Is all that comes out of my mouth. My eyes close. I feel myself pulled up by two strong arms. I open my eyes. He's holding like me someone would hold a cat, cradling me like a baby. I shut my eyes again. My stomach is in so much pain right now. I know I'm being voracious letting him help me like this. I would fight him if I could, tell him I was fine, but I'm too weak. A coldness bleeds into the air and the stench of darkness takes over all my senses. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. I don't want to know what's happening. I cough softly, and he starts to walk. I blank out for a second, and then it's gone. All traces of the dark smell are gone. I feel myself being placed down gently, like someone would place a precious doll down, into a sitting position. I open my eyes. I'm sitting on a bench. The air is clean and crisp. I can't smell any darkness, even though he is sitting right next to me. His arm is wrapped around my waist. He stares at something off in the distance. I look in front of me. A brilliant sunset is painted across the sky. The sun is dipping just below the ocean, whose beach plays home to a clock tower. I know this place. This place is called Twilight Town. I hear the faint whistle of a train in the distance. I stare at the sunset. It's so beautiful. Vermillion and saffron mix in the sky to create a watercolour masterpiece that looks like a dauntless frontline between two raging deities; one of fire and the other of blitheness, mixing together the happy shades of yellow with the darker aura of the blood color.
Xemnas removes his arm from my midsection. I watch him as he pushes himself onto his feet, and stretches. His arms raised in the air and his hands hooked together; he turns his head in my direction. A soft smile reaches across his face. His expression suddenly changes from content to sad.
"You're so pretty…" he murmurs. "But your face is different from the last time I saw you… It's thinner and paler."
I stay silent. Pretty is hardly a word I would use to describe myself. My face, arms, chest, and legs are bony, and it's very obvious. You can see my ribcage jutting out from my chest cavity. My hair is very light, thin and brittle. My eyes are sunken and aren't a very interesting color. I bite my nails, and I don't have any fancy clothes. I'm wearing my favorite dress, which is a pastel lime green. It is strapless, and goes down to about my knees. My shoes are the same every day, if I even wear shoes at all. Usually I'm barefoot, like I am today.
I hear a bell ringing, and both he and I direct our attention to the origin of the noise. A shop door opens, and a girl and her two companions walk out. The girl has auburn coloured hair, which falls lightly onto her shoulders. She has a pretty golden necklace wrapped around her neck. The companion on her left is a boy. This boy has fluffy brown hair which snaps out of his head like spires on a building. He is wearing a bright red t-shirt and some yellow sneakers. Her other companion is a girl. This girl has sable hair that is very short. It is tied by a ribbon that weaves in and out of view of her hair and is tied at the back. She is wearing a short white shirt, and blue jean capris. We can hear them babbling about something. I see something in the two girl's hands. Cups of milk. Each girl has her own cup of milk. The one with raven coloured hair takes a sip out of her brightly coloured cup and giggles. A trolley peeks around the corner and scoots past us, sending a chilling breeze rippling through my hair, and momentarily breaking my view of the three companions. A warmness is suddenly thrown over me. Xemnas encompasses his cloak around my shoulders. I look up in his direction. He is walking away. Away. Away from me. An icy chill of the feeling of abandonment grips my heart. A soft scream escapes my lips. He turns back to look at me.
"I'm coming right back. Don't worry." his voice melts in my ears and the only thing I can do is nod. He smiles and continues walking. I'm so greedy. I take away his time. His precious time. Silent tears begin to spew out of my eyes and gush down my cheeks. I'm alone again, if only for a moment. Alone. Alone alone alone… Alone. The word repeats in my head over and over. Hunger rips me away from my thoughts. I have a companion. Hunger. The tears continue to drift down my cheeks. I'm hungry and alone again. I shut my eyes and let the tears fall.
I feel a tapping on my shoulder. I open my eyes and jerk my head around to see him standing next to me with a glass of milk in his hands. He seats himself at my left again and hands me the milk. My hands tremble as I take it from him. I hold it for a few seconds and then take a sip.
"You can't feed someone right away if they haven't eaten in a while. You could hurt them." Xemnas says thoughtfully. I smile meekly and continue to sip the milk. Minutes pass and the sun continues to slip below the horizon. He fits his arm gently around my waist again. I sip the milk another time and decide I'm full. The cup isn't even half empty. I blush and hand the cup back to him. He doesn't look in the cup. He can probably tell that I didn't drink that much. A guilty knot forms in my stomach. I should've drank more of it. I feel another hand on the left side of my waist and Xemnas pulls me onto his lap. I lean back and rest my head on his shoulder. He dips his head down a bit and buries his face in my hair. My face colors a bit. He wraps his arms around me. One around my stomach, one around my collarbone. We sit like this for hours. Neither of us moves. The skies are a raven-blue now. The stars dance and glitter above us.
"Should we go back now?" he asks suddenly. I want to say no, and that I like it here. I want to stay here and rest like this for a little while longer, but I can't. I've already taken so much away from Xemnas today. I don't want to keep him from whatever he does. So I nod. I slide off of his lap and he stands up. I put my hand out in front of me and almost naturally it seems, he grips it in his warm, sturdy hand and pulls me to my feet. I'm still wearing his cloak. I take it off my shoulders and give it back to him. He doesn't protest or try to put it back on me. He slips it back on over his black shirt. He picks me up like a doll again.
"Close your eyes." He whispers in my ear. A strand of his silver hair falls out from behind his ear and grazes across my face. I close my eyes like he told me to. Then it's back. The smell. The smell of darkness. I whimper as the smell takes over my senses again.
"Xemnas…" I squeak so low that he can't hear me. No one could hear me. I didn't want to go back to the castle. But I can't tell him that.
The stench fades a bit and I peek open my eyes. I see a room. But it's not my room. It's different. There's a door. And the windows are massive- they stretch from a seating area almost to the ceiling. They are bay windows, and one of the windows has the left window pane cracked open a little. He walks me over to the window that's cracked open and places me down. Without words he wanders over to the bed on the other side of the room and drops his cloak on the floor. He takes off his shoes too, and lies down. I didn't notice before, but he looks very tired. I'm so greedy. I didn't realize that he was tired.
But I get it now. This must be his room. I lean my head out the window. The air is humid, and it smells more of darkness than it does inside. I pull my head back in, disgusted. A soft noise comes from his bed. I roll my head around to see him sleeping with his mouth slightly open, and his cheek pressed against a large white pillow. I shut the window quietly. I don't want to wake him up. But he's not looking at me anymore. No one is. No one can see me. Tears bead at my eyes and slip down my face. I feel alone again. My stomach tightens in fear. I don't want to be alone. I get up from my sitting place and pace over to his bed. I crawl in next to him and he wakes. I don't care that I'm being greedy. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid…
"Namine… what's the matter?" he mumbles. I whine out a noise and he sits up. He pulls me into his arms, and I can smell the darkness on him, but I don't care. Anything is better than being alone. I bury my face in his chest and continue crying. My tears wet his shirt, and he pulls me tighter.
"Namine?" He whispers.
I know he'll meet a dark end eventually. All of those who are born into darkness eventually do. Myself included. Eventually he'll fade into shadows. Maybe I'll do the same. Eventually, he'll fade and leave me alone again. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. The word repeats in my head over and over. I scream. I scream and he's afraid. He doesn't understand what it's like to be afraid. To be alone. He's like a child. He only knows what he is told. And he's never alone. But I am. I scream into his chest, and he pulls me tighter, into a clinch.
"Namine?" He whimpers, concerned. I can tell he's afraid now, because his voice wavers like he's uncertain about something. I can feel him tremble in fear. It's only natural to fear what you don't understand, after all. Right?
I know now that he'll eventually fade into the shadows. But I'll wait. I'll wait for him there, in the darkness. I don't care how long I have to wait. I'll take on that now faint smell. That scent will be part of us. I can get used to it, if only to be with him when he….
When he fades.
I'll hide in the dark for you…
I'll whither away…
Like a dying flower, I can't help but wish for some more time.
Just a little more time… with you…
The End
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A/N: Okay, I have four things to say,
Thank you for reading!
This was my first romance fic. In fact, I've never written anything but crack before.
This is the first Xemnas X Namine romance fic published on fanfiction. Oo I find that a little bizarre.
And FF was being mean so I couldn't indent where I wanted to. :(
Please review! I don't mind if it's even just as simple as "I liked your story." I would really love to know about my spelling and grammar errors so I can fix them! Also, could you maybe tell me if you cried and at what part?