I needed to upload this story before I started hating it.
Disclaimer: I don't own South Park. I know, it's shocking.
Takes place after "201
For some reason, whether-or-not to capitalize 'hell' was a real dilemma for me... it still doesn't always look right.
Also, please just mentally insert Kenny's muffled voice. I don't want to play translator or write in muffled. It's a pain, and it's not worth it.
The fly-covered smear of flesh stretched before the group of boys was more than a little unnerving. Sure, they hadn't ever liked the chirpy little British kid, or even worried when he cracked his head open, exploded, or was subjected any other harm. They had barely even noticed him these days, but here it was, the brutal reminder of their old punching bag, Pip, reduced to a skid mark on the asphalt. It wasn't nearly as bad as Chef's death, but it was still pretty fucked up!
"Dude..." Stan's stomach churned.
"This whole day, man..." Kyle turned down the road, "I need to watch some Terrence and Phillip."
"Yep, it's been a heavy dose o' shit today," Cartman's voice was thick with exhaustion. He couldn't believe he was half ginger. His life seemed so backwards now.
Kenny was last to walk away. He'd seen his own body in worse shape than Pip's, but it still wasn't a pleasant sight, "Good luck in Hell," his muffled voice encouraged as they left the ravaged streets.
"Oh dear. Well, I guess she didn't like my speech," the scrawny fourth-grader looked about himself with a worried expression.
This could only be the afterlife, but it didn't look much like heaven or hell; just an endless sky that slowly carried him higher, like a roller coaster ready to drop off at any moment. He sincerely hoped it would continue rising, for Pip didn't think he really deserved to be dropped in Hell. Not that he'd thought he deserved to die, though, either. Who knew what his fate would be.
"Just when everyone was starting to hate me less..." he stifled a quiver, "No, I've got to be positive as always. Keep a stiff upper lip!" Things weren't so bad.
Slowly, his ascension halted, finally coming to rest at the foot of a swirling cumulonimbus. Hidden in the veil of vapor was a massive button, a truly odd contraption to be in the afterlife, but who was he to question it? The switch begged to be pushed, but pip hesitated.
Come on. What are you waiting for, you stupid frog? he mentally chastised himself for locking up. You can't be afraid of a button now!
But the tiny Brit was scared, or at least intimidated. He could sense that this switch would decide his fate, and... it was a heavy feeling to hold in his chest. He needed to be calm for this moment.
Breathe deep...
"Let's hope for the best!" A hopeful smile escaped and he dropped his palm upon the cold surface.
DENIED.
Denied?
Suddenly, the force holding him aloft was gone, plummeting faster than the boy's spirits. Flames nipped his clothes as he fell further and further from the shining light above, the sky going from white to blue to red to black, until finally he belly flopped to the burning stone at the end of his destination.
"It's because I hated the French," he lamented, "I shouldn't have been so hard on them. It's not their fault they're so snobbish and cowardly."
...
"Oh dear, I did it again," he whimpered.
Shadows skirted about on the periphery of Pip's vision. He made no move to hide from them, and they made no move to disturb him, instead allowing the boy to whimper in pain from the landing. It hurt even more than when Cartman had ro-sham-boed him for that arrowhead. After a few more minutes of lying in fetal-position, the blond rose on shaky feet to assess his predicament.
"I suppose I'll be living here for the next eternity, then," a slight frown split his countenance.
Spirits in pain howled from all directions, but there seemed to be a fair amount of people not in pain, just meandering about, some even enjoying themselves. The freshly damned soul wasn't sure where he was meant to go first.
"Very well, I'll just get to know the place a bit better. I'm sure it's not all bad."
"Stop thinking out loud!" a passerby barked.
"Sorry." I must remember to keep an eye on that.
Little, black gremlins scurried just off the footpath as Pip made his way toward the nearest lake of fire. They cackled and spat from the shadows like coal briquettes, hissing at the ridiculous child that had infiltrated their wonderland of pain. Pip simply tried to maintain his calm demeanor.
They're not trying to kill me, so I suppose that's a positive sign. I do hope I've nothing to be fear from them. The snarling beastlets were even cute in a way. So long as they didn't decide to turn on him.
"Oh my god, they killed Kenny!"
"You bastards!"
"Well, the sign did say it was slippery..." Butters stuttered.
"Goddamn, though, did they mop the floor with placenta or something?"
"You gotta admit guys, that was a funny one," Cartman chuckled, waddling after the other three.
Despite having been down this tunnel so many times, Kenny still couldn't stick the landing. It was just a good thing his pain tolerance was high enough that the fall didn't hurt anymore; just a second or two of shock and he was ready to go burn some time. It was generally pretty dull waiting to be reincarnated, but that was more his own fault. In all the times he'd been here, Kenny never bothered to make friends or talk to many people. There was never a shortage of topless women in Hell, though. That was a BIG plus. He figured that he had enough friends on Earth, but not enough boobs, and made the obvious choice.
"Oh, ladies!" he mumbled through the coat, running past the nearest lake of fire to the nearest whorehouse. They never let him in, even Hell had a few standards, but at least not all the windows were covered.
"Tally ho, Kenneth!"
The hooded boy stopped short and palmed his face at the cheerful voice. Leave it to Pip to ruin hell.
Kenny prepared his not-really-interested-but-dammit-I'm-trying voice. After all, the guy just died, there wasn't any reason to be a dick about it. "Hey Pip, sorry to hear about your shitty luck."
"My luck...? Oh— yes, but I should think yours is a bit worse than mine," he laughed nervously, "Where were you headed just now? Should I let you alone?"
"I was going to check out..." he tried to think of a lie, but ultimately called fuck it, "I was gonna peek at boobs, Pip. That's what I usually do here."
The British boy's face reddened while he fidgeted uncomfortably, "Sorry to get in the, uh, the way of that... Carry on, then. Best wishes!"
Blushing about tits in the realm of darkness. Part of Kenny felt really bad for the kid. Pip definitely wasn't Hell material; he was way too polite and innocent. Then again, maybe all that blind optimism would help him take the fire and brimstone better than some. Maybe it all came down to determination.
The perverted little immortal sighed. He didn't know what to do in this situation. Pip's forced smile was really bringing h down The boobs were a much less discomforting topic, so he decided to follow that route.
"See ya."
"Goodbye."
Thank god that was over. Now all he had to do was get to his destination... wait. No. Don't look back! Don't do it, you bastard, it's not you're problem. That's it, just keep walking. Get to the foot of that hill and you're in the clear. A little further. Ok, good job. Now get to those hooters!
They did an almost-thorough job of distracting him from happy/sorrowful Pip.
Kenny's pleasant transition from death to life that next morning was interrupted by the family's phone ringing.
"Get the damn phone, Kevin!"
"I'm busy, make Kenny get the damn phone!"
"Somebody better get the damn phone!"
"I got it!" Kenny snapped as he zipped his parka and pulled up the hood, "Hey."
Stan's voice,"Hey, Kenny, we're all gonna go to Cartman's to play Lambs, can you come?"
"Yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes." He groaned after ending the call.
Lambs wasn't Kenny's favorite game. Last time, he'd been knocked into the pit; surviving the fall, surprisingly enough. However, it had been a hell of a time getting out again. That being said, the game itself was pretty hilarious when you weren't in Polly Prissypants's position.
"It rub's the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again!"
(in Polly's voice) "Please sir, I have a family!"
"It puts the lotion in the basket!"
(in Polly's voice) "Please, I won't tell anyone!"
"It put's the lotion in the GODDAMN basket!"
Sometimes Kyle got into the game even more than Cartman did.
"Hey, where's Butters?" Stan piped up, looking to shift the conversation away from fatass's doll. Also, half of him was actually curious.
"He went to that French kid's funeral," Cartman stated apathetically as he hauled the bucket up.
"I didn't know they were friends."
"Dude, that's just the way Butters is. They might've only talked once, but he's still going."
"Who cares, he's gonna be sorry that he went to some gay funeral instead of playing Lambs."
Kenny's mind, much to his annoyance drifted to yesterday's visit to hell. Shit, I thought I was done worrying about that. I made it all the way to the whorehouse! Come on!
"Hey, when Butters gets back how about we play Junior Lumberjacks?"
"No way, man. My mom'll break my arms if she finds out I was playing that again."
"That's fine, Jews can't be lumberjacks anyway."
"Shut it fatass! You'd be out of breath halfway through the first axe swing!"
Kenny fell back laughing. He could see it already.
"Fuck you, Kenny!"