Haruhi Raps
Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran or the song that is mentioned. I got the song from Saturday Night Live. I just changed some of the words around.
In the year 2017, Haruhi Fujioka had become a movie star gaining instant fame around the globe. She had made billions of dollars from her movies and she was never closer to her friends that she had graduated from Ouran with. The twins had followed in their mother's footsteps and became swimsuit designers, Hunny and Mori had inherited their families' dojos, Kyouya had inherited his father's company and Tamaki had become the new superintendant of Ouran High School. But to everyone's dismay, Haruhi still has not chosen the person she wants to be with yet. All the men in school have tried to woo her with their charms, but nothing seems to work on her.
One day, she had a scheduled interview with TV Talk Show Host, Casanoda. The set was two very comfortable chairs with tan padded seats. When the show started, Casanoda was still shy around Haruhi and he began to blush, missing his cue almost instantly, but he regained his composure and started off with "Today, we have a great actress and personal friend of mine on the show, Haruhi Fujioka!" The audience clapped and cheered as Haruhi came out from backstage and sat in the empty seat across from Casanoda.
"It's great to be here, Casanoda!" she said with a big smile and she planted a small kiss on his cheek. She was wearing a light blue sundress with matching sandals and sunglasses. She wore clear lip gloss to give her lips a full, vibrant look.
He began to blush even more, and imaginary roses of love began to emanate from their seating area. "Um…. so let's get started shall we? What's a day in the life of Haruhi Fujioka like?"
She half smiled and giggled as she said "You really wanna know?"
"Please." insisted Casanoda as he crossed his legs out of pure interest.
Suddenly, there were out on the street, and Haruhi's dress had turned into a black hoodie, jeans and gym shoes. Her expression on her face had changed drastically from a warm smile to frightening anger. She had began yelling "I don't sleep mothafucka, all that yak and a durbin' doin' 120 gettin' hammered while I'm swervin'"
Casanoda's clothes had also changed with the scene, he was now wearing sweat shirt and sweatpants and he said "Damn Haruhi, you a crazy chick!" his facial expression changed from happy to very concerned and he stood there with his mouth agape.
"Yo shut the fuck up! And suck my dick!" she had yelled at him, she was jumping around and to put emphasis on the latter part of the phrase, she had waved her arms around her pubic area. "I pump them dudes bounce like gushes, muthafucka! Roll up to Ouran and slap the shit outta that sucka!"
Then the boys from the old Ouran Host Club came into view, all except for Tamaki, who was busy in his corner of woe. He was sulking in shock to hear these words come out of his daughter's mouth. The twins were really getting into it, dressing up as American Gangbangers, and jumping around like Haurhi. Kyouya had dressed up, but he was busy looking over his accounting pad to put some effort into it. Mori was also dressed up. but he would neither sing or yell, while Hunny was on his shoulders singing the wrong kind of rap song. He sang "I'm suga baby, yes the real suga baby, all you other suga babies are just imitating so wont the real suga baby please jump up! Please jump up! Please jump up!"
When Hunny was finished singing the wrong song, he got the right song and they all sang "What you want Haruhi?"
She responded with "I wanna drink and fight!"
"What you need Haruni?"
"To fuck all night!" she had stopped momentarily to catch her breath and continued with "Don't touch me while I'm crazy on that airplane crew, or I'll put my foot down your throat till you shit's on my shoe! Leave you screamin', pay for my dry cleanin'! Fuck you, man! It's my name he's screamin'!" she just then slaps Casanoda for no reason.
Back at the studio, back in their regular clothes Casanoda is completely dumbfounded by what Haruhi has just told him. "Are… are we to believe that you condone driving while intoxicated?"
Haruhi calmly states "Nobody ever said I was a role model." she takes a sip of water that is provided to her.
"What about all the kids who look up to you? What do you want to convey to them?"
Back rapping Haruhi says "All the kids lookin' up to me can suck my dick! Imported muthafucka! Drink till I'm sick! Drinkin' proof, pumpin' nitro down the hole! Watching while you laugh and cry, while I laugh you die! And all the dudes! You know I'm talkin' to you!"
Again with the old Host Club members, this time with Tamaki reluctantly joining in, they sang "We love you Haruhi!"
Then, with her bobbing her head and saying "I wanna fuck you too!" Tamaki had passed out from the "parental shame". She continued with "It's important! It's for me! I'll kill your fuckin' dog for fun, so don't push me!" she then let out an evil laugh that made even Kyouya wet his pants.
At the studio, Casanoda was trying to hold back tears as he continued on with "All this from an Ouran graduate?"
"Well, there are many things you may not know about me." she rolled her eyes and smiled at him.
"Such as…?" he would hate himself for saying this in the end.
Back on the street, Haruhi was now in an Ouran graduation gown and said "When I was in Ouran, I smoked weed every day, cheated every test, snorted all the yay. I got a def posse you got a bunch of dudes. I'll sit right down on your face, and take a shit!" This posse consisted of the ladies from the Zuka club.
Then out of nowhere, Ranka came in dressed as a Norse God and said "Damn Haruhi, you are a badass female."
"Hell yeah!" she screamed.
"And I'll always pay for your dry cleanin' when my shit gets in your shoe."
"WHUT?!" Haruhi screamed as she got in between the horns on Ranka's head.
"As for the drug use, I cant match for that. My dick is scared of you. Hell yeah."
The studio was dead silent as the audience sat there mouths open and staring at the woman with amazement. Casanoda was now weirded out more than ever as he let out a sigh and said "Alright…" his weirdedness subsided as he blushed as he asked "Now Haruhi, if you could steal a kiss from anyone in the world, who would it be?"
At this point Haruhi was annoyed more than ever so she took a hanging microphone and smashed it against Casanoda's head and said "No more questions." With this Casanoda woke with a scream and cold sweat beading off of his face, and he was breathing heavily.
His pupils were small with fear, and when he realized it was just a dream, he started laughing. "No more sake for me before I go to bed." he rolled over and tried to go back to sleep and then he said "So that's how she scored high on her entrance exam…"
He rolled over to see a rather nude Ranka lying next to him, with an abnormally big smile on his face saying "Not quite dear!" Casanoda woke up from that dream with a scream and he ran into the bathroom to vomit.S