This is a little one shot based off of 'Part 33' that just aired a week ago. Goes more into Amanda and Olivia talking. There is mentions of assault and rape. Please don't read if this upsets you. I don't want to trigger anyone. Also thanks to my good friend AJ for being a sounding board and feeding off ideas with me. Hope yall like. Some fluff, some angst.. But definitely a strong friendship. Reviews are lovely.
Amanda was sitting at the bar after the case. It had been a grueling one, pitting co workers against co workers with their beliefs and questioning why the others felt like they did. Carisi even though they had sparred off at each other offered to watch the kids for her. Yeah granted she should be home with her kids but after the case and how heated everyone got with each other she needed a break. Al couldnt bitch either, they hadnt talked since before Billie was born.
She had ordered a beer and a shot of whiskey. She didnt know what the hell she wanted. Her stomach was feeling some sort of way. Another officer had been killed and this time by his own wife. Amanda felt it was wrong. What the woman had said that she basically killed him because he insulted her cooking. The thoughts made Amanda upset and she swallowed her shot with a quickness. Ordering another shot, she felt an aching throb in her hand. That fucking hot coffee, still pissed the other officer hadnt warned her it was so hot before it splattered on her skin. She rubbed her hand gently, still kind of tender but not bad. Now she knew why people said courthouse coffee was like hot tar.
She was sitting there reveling in her thoughts. Snapping at Carisi when he brought up Esther. The one case that still bothered her. Yeah she lost the one girl to suicide years back and she knew she was pink clouding. But Esther... Esther did a number on her. She had caused the young woman's death while trying to help her. The coldness when she told him "Enough", and then he backed off. And then there was Liv and what she said. How dare Liv say she didnt know what pure and utter terror was. Granted Liv was terrorized and assaulted with William Lewis, but what in the fucking hell did Liv think Patton was? A fucking walk in the park? That really hurt, and even listening to Liv's story of what happened to her. But what about what she went through, why was what she went through not utter fear? Oh she knew that fear with Patton, she hadnt thought about him in a long time and now that was all that was on her mind. Him holding her hands above her head and then uttering 'now Amanda you know that I dont take No for an answer.' Did Liv even know what the hell that did to her, what it still did. Now the visuals coming back. "Fuck me" she muttered while swatting a tear away. Just as she did that someone sat down next to her and ordered a red wine. When she looked over it was Liv. "What're you doing here?" Olivia lightly chuckled at the question "Funny, I was just about to ask you the same." Olivia reaches for her wine that she just ordered, telling the bartender to open a tab for her.
It was awkward at first. Amanda felt a little off with Liv after her comments. But at the same time she had also understood about her parents. "Liv what made you come out here tonight. I would have thought that once we were done you would have rushed home to spend time with Noah." Liv nodded, "touche cause I was thinking the same thing when I saw you here. You I definitly would have thought to go home to Jesse and Billie especially where Billie is a few days old." Amanda shrugged, almost defensive. "I just needed a drink, I'm not breastfeeding obviously or I wouldnt be here drinking." Liv looked at her, she hadnt meant to get Amanda all defensive. Raising her hands up in surrender to not start an argument. "Amanda I wasnt passing judgement by any means, I know after today all of us need a drink."
Amanda sat there for a moment, silent as she reveled in her thoughts. Feeling a pair of eyes studying her, she broke her train of thought to look at the brunette. Staring into the brunette's chocolate orbs she spoke, "It wasn't just my mother, you know..." Amanda murmured her voice suddenly becoming cold and having no emotion. Not breaking eye contact with the brunette she picked up her glass, she threw back the last of her drink. The amber liquid burning her throat as it went down. "It was me as well." Amanda slammed her glass down and ordered another drink making it her last one. The bartender brought her over the drink she asked for. He no sooner put it down when she picked it up and drank it immediately. She needed to get the fuck out of there before she snapped. Her nerves had her on the brink of losing her shit and becoming a basket case. Not something she wanted to happen in public for one and most especially not in front of her boss. Wanting and almost needing to explode she instead did what she was so good at doing, she started to close herself off. She puts the glass down and puts her bills and tip under the glass. "I gotta get home, it's late." There was a definitly quite a bit of hurt in her tone as well as some confusion. She put her coat on, quickly said goodbye to Liv and proceeded to leave the bar. Liv placed the bills and a tip for her drinks down on the counter and went to catch up to Amanda. Something telling her that the blonde needed a friend to confide in tonight.
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Amanda had gone outside, needing some air and waiting to hail a cab. When Olivia finally got outside, she found Amanda standing by the wall. Amanda's hands were in her pockets and she was just gazing up at the stars. The closer Liv got to her she could see Amanda's head leaning back against the wall, her eyes were closed. You could tell the woman was all torn up and hurting something wicked. As Liv continued to get closer she spoke "I'm sorry". Amanda looked over, scowling in confusion as to why her boss was out here with her. "What?" The blonde looked incredulously at the brunette as she asked. "I said I was sorry. I...I didnt realize you were a victim of your father's abuse as well. I shouldn't have said what I said, but I was angry just as you were and there's nothing I can say or do to change that. It happened. What was said was said. It's how we move on." Olivia was so sincere, Amanda felt it. Amanda was also just fighting a huge battle in her head that was just starting to come to the surface, and she wasnt sure what to do, ultimately she collapsed in the brunette's arms sobbing. "I just want it to go away. Everything. I want to forget everything." She says between the heartbreaking sobs. "Hey, least let me drive you home...Please?" Olivia murmurs and Amanda nodded agreeingly. They walked to Olivia's car and she drives them over to Amanda's apartment. Seeing that the woman was struggling to get out of the car, she was just mentally fried. Liv got out and walked over to the passenger side to help her friend get out of the car. "Come on sweetheart, let me at least get you into your apartment." Amanda held out her hand and let Liv help her out and up to her apartment. She handed the keys to her as well. She was just done. Granted Carisi was inside and hopefully had gotten the girls to sleep. She appreciated the fact he had given her some time to just go and kick back. Liv unlocked the door and walked her in. Amanda thanked Sonny quickly as he told her how the kids were. He also told her he was there to help her out anytime she needed. He said hi to Olivia and then he took off, leaving the ladies alone in the blonde's living room.
After Carisi had taken off, Amanda slumped down on the couch, laying down. Olivia sighs softly, feeling her friend's hurt. Her more empathetic side making an appearance, she never knew when to use it around Amanda. The reason for that was she feared Amanda would misjudge the empathy for pity and she didnt want that. "Honey, you're home and safe. So I'm going to head home..." Olivia murmured, her voice soft, gentle. Amanda turned her head outward to face her friend. "Stay...Please...Being alone really isnt what I need right now."
Liv walked back over to where Amanda was laying down. She stood for a moment as she was texting Lucy to see if she could stay a while longer, Lucy told her of course and to let her know if she needed her to stay the night. Liv told her she'd be in touch and let her know asap. "Honey I'm here for a bit. What can I do for you?" Amanda shrugged. "I honestly dont know. I just know being alone isnt something I want right now. I revealed alot of shit, when in all actuality I should have kept my mouth shut. Liv I trust you a whole lot, which is why I told you." Amanda sat up and Liv sat down next to her. Liv put her hand gently on the blondes shoulder, she wasnt sure of the reception she was going to get. Amanda let her hand sit there, the support felt good. Amanda sat there for what seemed like hours, but in all actuality it was mere minutes. Her mind in massive overdrive with memories and thoughts. "Liv..." Her voice was barely audible and even cracked just a bit. "This is going to sound stupid...But can you please hold me? I'm not usually like this. I'm usually stronger than this. I just need to be held so badly and I know you wont betray my trust."
Liv leaned back against the plush couch, kicking her shoes off and pulling one leg up underneath her, she made herself comfortable which she hoped would make Amanda feel comfortable enough to lean back into her embrace. Amanda sees that Liv has made herself comfortable and isnt running. After a moment, Amanda slowly leaned back, still hesitating. Finally after another couple of seconds Amanda completely leaned back against the older woman, as she did that Liv's arms wrapped around her, completely engulfing the blonde into her warmth and security. Amanda felt safe and the tears started pouring down. She hadnt felt this safe in she couldnt even tell you how long.
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They sat in silence for a little bit. Amanda needing to find her words, and Olivia was thinking too. Just like how the blonde had told her that she trusted her a whole lot and she was reflecting on Amanda saying she loved her as well. She felt the same for the blonde in her arms. Neither of them in a rush to talk but both of them had a lot they needed to say.
After a few minutes more of silence and just holding Liv felt strong enough to talk. She herself felt safe to open up and finally tell what happened to her, it would definitly open up a whole new level of trust between them. Hoping that this would get Amanda in turn to let out what was hurting her. She took a deep breath and where Amanda was still leaning on her she felt the nervousness in the breath. She told Liv that whatever was said between them was just that, between them only.
"Amanda... I can see what you're going through. Reveling in the memories of what happened. Almost as though they are happening right now, it's that fresh. All the emotions bubbling up inside of you on a hellbent collision course until you explode... I snapped a few times, more times than I actually want to say. Then I finally exploded. I came close eleven years ago. Being raped and it changed alot for me... You see this was when Elliot still was my partner and I had gone undercover in Sealview to catch one of the guards who was raping inmates. Amanda I will tell you it was the scariest shit. I got myself into a situation that I almost didnt get out of. He had me cuffed and down on the floor, I saw his penis it was millimeters from my face. He um would have raped me if Fin hadnt of saved my ass." Amanda didnt say anything, she just put her arms around the strong brunette talking to her and letting her in. The brunette took a few shaky breaths, grateful that Amanda was still there and listening.
"Then... then uh... and then Lewis came around and it actually happened." Olivia's voice broke a bit. This was the first time Olivia was fully talking about what happened. She hadnt even told Dr. Lindstrom that Lewis raped her. She had kept that to herself. "And you froze when he took control and did that... Hating yourself for being weak, believing that weakness caused you to let it happen." Amanda spoke softly, unjudgingly and her voice full of understanding.
Gathering her bearings to finally reveal the last part of this to her friend, who again was just sitting there, listening, shit she was easier to talk to than Dr. Lindstrom. "Especially with Lewis, you have described that so right Amanda. You don't even know how right you are. You have all that fight and fire for a while then you just want it to stop. So many times I wished when he held me captive that he'd kill me. So many hours begging silently to God for him to just end it. But God didnt end my life like I begged. No he turned and did something worse. I know who I am, I know where I came from, I know how I was conceived but I couldn't live with knowing it was his..." Olivia's trailed off, fighting the tears. Not wanting them to come. Amanda sat up a little, looking at Liv. "What?" Her voice, soft and breathless, in shock of what Liv was telling her. "It was his..." Liv spoke through a broken voice.
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Amanda couldnt take it she hugged the brunette tightly, in return the woman who had just told the hardest thing in her life laid her head on Amanda's shoulder. "Oh my god, Liv... So I unknowingly when we were talking and I told you I was having doubts and questioning having Billie and you told me that 'regret was an awful thing to live with'. Then I asked if you had one, you walked away. I was right? Not that I'm gloating or want to be right. But thats why you understood so well." Liv still having her head on Amanda's shoulder nodded 'yes' she just couldn't bring herself to say it. Granted it was easy to just say yes, she knew Amanda understood and wouldnt push the issue. Amanda just held her friend who had just told her in confidence everything. Oh how she hated William Lewis for what he did to her. He put her friend through fucking hell, and then to find out he did infact rape her and got her pregnant. "Liv you know I'm always here for you. We've gotten closer these last couple years and I hope you know that anytime you need a girls night to just talk my door is always open."
They sat in silence once again, it wasnt an uncomfortable silence. It was a silence of soaking in what was just said and giving time to recollect themselves if need be.
Amanda got up to get a beer, she hadnt expected all this tonight. Oh how she wanted to open up but she was still scared. She was still afraid of looking weak and like a fool. She asked Liv if she wanted a beer and she said sure. She came back to the couch, resuming her spot right next to Liv.
Amanda took a sip of the brown liquid, almost savoring it to give her courage. She figured it was now or never, cause if she didnt talk now she didnt think she ever would. Taking a deep breath after swallowing her sip she spoke. "I was included in those knock-down, drag-out fights. It wasnt just once either." Liv looked at her, waiting and wanting for the blonde to continue.
"I only wanted it to stop... Sometimes he was drunk when the drag outs happened...It gave me a tough skin. But it only kept getting worse." She took another sip of the liquid courage. She needed to get this out, but it was so hard. She felt that she in so many ways asked for the abuse to happen.
Amanda took a deep breath, she had to get this out. "But it all kinda settled down when my daddy left that final time. They'd split for a night or two and he always came back. This time he didnt. By then I was forced to raise Kim while my mother was out doing god knows what with god knows who. Then I became a cop because I had a tough skin. Shit going through what my parents put me through I had no problem with training that's for damn sure. Insert in Patton, he was my chief. Then Kim started her bullshit with drugs and prostitution. He had an idea on how to keep her out of jail, I'd sleep with him. I was okay with it and I agreed to it. I'd have a couple drinks and satisfied his needs how he wanted them satisfied. Until one night, we went to a motel. He knew I was okay with our deal so it wasn't so bad. But he was drunk as hell and he got rougher than I liked. But he said what he always said everytime we were together, 'Don't you know by now that I don't take no for an answer?' Finally after that I'd had enough and hauled ass out of Atlanta. I was done being used and taken advantage of."
She took a sip of her beer, she had to reveal the last part. The part noone but herself knew. "And another thing to add to my list of fuck ups. I always held this back..." Amanda chewed her lip a bit. "Sam Reynolds. My boss... He didn't really want me leaving Atlanta even though he helped me get transferred. He persuaded me to have drinks shortly before I left to come here. Well we ended up hooking up. He got too rough with me when I was kissing him and plus I was pulling away because he was married. But that only made him angrier." Liv looked over at the woman who had just suddenly gone quiet. Amanda had a blank stare in her eyes and a tear had started to roll down her cheek. This woman had been through hell and just like Liv had trusted her to tell her what happened to her, Amanda trusted Liv, only she hadnt meant to reveal this. This wasn't something she wanted to let out. She felt like an ass as it was with the whole Patton ordeal.
Liv waited a second, letting the woman who was clearly hurting as was she get her bearings. She then softly touched the blondes hand, which was trembling. "Honey, did he assault you?" Amanda's hand turned in Olivia's, softly gripping it as she nodded confirming that Reynolds assaulted her. The brunette couldn't help herself as she pulls the blonde closer to her and held her. Stroking blonde locks softly, Amanda couldn't help the tears. Finally, she felt secure for once and it felt nice. She still felt a bit of tension on her heart but she knew that was one thing that could never change. Letting go of Liv's hand she wrapped her arms around Olivia tightly. Taking deep breaths as she cried. She needed to let it out but she was in a calm manner holding Olivia. "I'm sorry." Amanda murmured. "For what, honey?" Olivia asked sounding confused. "For being inappropriate." She felt Amanda start to pull away. She didnt want to lose the closeness they were sharing right now. Olivia did her best to reassure her. "Hey, hey. No, it's okay Amanda. This is between us. I trusted you and opened up to you, and you did the same with me." As she heard Olivia said that it was okay, she settled back in, laying her head in the crook of Olivia's neck.
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The clock chiming let them know it was getting late. Neither of them wanted to be alone. Liv took the opportunity to break the silence. "I know it's late but Lucy said she'd be willing to stay the night with Noah if you want me to stay... I don't mind and no you wouldn't be putting me out, again honey I don't mind." Olivia murmurs. "I..I uh just... I just didn't want to seem like I was asking too much." Amanda shyly looked up at Liv. "Are you sure, Lucy won't mind?" Liv hugged her friend, thankful that she wasn't shutting down and was actually showing her emotions.
Liv shook her head no that Lucy wouldn't mind. As she did that she text Lucy asking if she minded and Lucy told her no, that it was fine. She completely understood the ladies of the squad needed a girl's night to just talk. Next thing knew Billie started crying, and it was her hungry cry. "Uh Liv, that's Billie's hungry cry. Do you mind if I bring her out here to feed her?" Liv smiled, "Amanda, this is your apartment. I don't want you to mess up your routine or Billie's for that matter. If you usually feed her out here, then this is where you feed her." Amanda nodded, speaking softly "I already have a bottle ready, pumped before work..." Before she could finish Liv interjected, "Amanda, hush. Go grab that beautiful baby girl. Amanda went and checked on Jesse and grabbed the fussing infant. When she sat down all Liv could think was what a beautiful child. "You want me to hold her while you get yourself situated and comfortable?" Amanda smiled, "Sure Liv, you do know you're her aunt so you can hold her anytime you want." Amanda handed over Billie to Liv, listening to the older woman coo and talk softly to her. She then grabbed her boppy pillow she used to help support Billie."Liv, I'm ready for Billie." Liv smiled, kissing the infant on her head, "Hey beautiful, your mama is ready for you." She got up and gently placed the infant in her mother's arms on the boppy. "Anything else I can do to help?" Amanda smiled and patted the seat next to her. "You can sit and keep me company." Liv did just that, sat next to Amanda and watched as she fed her infant daughter. God it was a beautiful sight, the bonding between them. Liv was unaware that she was gently touching Billie's head. Like it was a thing she's always done. A habit almost, not a bad habit. Feeling how soft the baby's hair was. This was just such a beautiful moment for her, and again Amanda was letting her share in a bonding moment between mama and baby girl. Amanda looked over at Liv, smiling at just how close they had gotten and how supportive Olivia was.
After Amanda was done feeding Billie, she goes to burp her and Olivia asks if she could do that. Grateful for the help, Amanda smiled gently and nodded. Amanda handed Billie over to her aunt as she got the burp rag ready on her shoulder. Holding the newborn close and secure, her hand patting Billie's back softly while rocking sideways a bit. Billie let out a little burp and nuzzled into Olivia. Amanda was in awe how Olivia was here for her and helping her care for Billie. It meant alot to her. It took alot for Amanda to let people in and she let Liv in. It just warmed her heart, soon Billie was asleep. Seeing that Amanda was exhausted she took Billie into the bedroom and gently laid her in her crib. Making sure the newborn was on her back, she pulled a little blanket on her, just a bit so she wouldnt grab and accidently smother herself. She turned the monitor back on and walked back out to the living room. While Liv had done that Amanda had set up the futon. "Sweetie she's all tucked in, sleeping peacefully and soundly."
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Amanda smiled a bit, the tiredness more visible now. "Thank you Liv...I really, really appreciate it. Like, a whole lot." They both sat down on the now extended futon. "I'm so tired." Amanda murmured without thinking and yawning right after. "So sleep honey." Olivia replied softly. Amanda looked at Liv with soft but tired eyes. "I hate to ask this, but can we just...cuddle? Just a little bit before I go to bed? It's kind of strange but for some reason I just want to be held by someone who actually gives a shit about me. Shit... Fuck... Nevermind Liv. I'm sorry." Amanda looked away, she just wanted to be held, she didnt want to make her friend feel awkward. "Of course, Manda. I don't mind." Olivia leans back, out stretching her arm for Amanda to cuddle into her side. Amanda didnt hesitate, she took comfort in the cuddle. Without realizing it next thing she knew Amanda had fallen asleep. Liv could tell after a few minutes that Amanda had crashed as her breathing evened out. She didn't have the heart to wake the sleeping woman so she pulls the blanket over them and fell asleep shortly after.