Robbie Rotten was in a sour mood by the time he got home to his lair, and not just because he'd tripped over the pile of bills coating the floor. He wasn't sorry he'd cheated on the test, but he was sorry he got caught, and his hopes of regaining his coveted Villain Number One status were now slim-to-none. Then he brightened somewhat—sure, he hadn't quite crossed the threshold of graduating from the LazyTown school (the fact that they'd considered it at all was a bit surprising since he'd enrolled on the final day of school), but he'd gotten through with the Villains Digest publisher just before things went sour. Maybe he could still fix this!
With a smug smile on his face, he went to the phone and re-dialed the magazine's number, speaking as soon as the man on the other line picked up. "Yes, sorry about that lost connection from earlier. I'll have you know that not only did I (sort of) pass the final exam, I cheated on the test—did Villains One through Nine graduate legitimately? They did? Ha! You can't be more villainy than cheating to win!"
The man on the line had to admit that was a fair point, but was more interested in the 'sort of.' Robbie reluctantly admitted that those annoying kids had caught him, and whether he'd really graduated was up in the air. "Can't you at least put in a good word for me," he begged. "Being Number Ten is no fun at all—just ask that goody-goody super-zero Sportacus! I've made his life miserable since day one!"
"I'll give that idea the fair consideration it's due," the publisher said, and while he thanked Robbie for his input the villain had a sinking feeling that it wasn't going to be enough. Sure, cheating had gotten him some points, and maybe he'd be at least Villain Number Two by the next issue, but what he really wanted was to be good old Number One again!
How could he get through the average day of villainy knowing he wasn't the best anymore, and how could those kids take him seriously now that his reputation was ruined? It was almost enough to make him give up!
"I'm in serious trouble," Robbie muttered, and that instant, high above LazyTown, Sportacus's crystal beeped.
"Someone's in trouble," the hero said, tuning in on the crystal's magic to tell him who and why. He saw Robbie Rotten looking more miserable than usual, and frowned at the piles of mail surrounding him—maybe he was having trouble paying his bills? Deciding he'd know the answer when he got there, Sportacus leapt out of the airship as soon as the doors opened, using his portable hang-glider to reach the lair in record time.
When he reached the cow billboard, Sportacus climbed up the ladder and gently knocked on the hatch, not wanting to make the villain's situation even worse by scaring him. Robbie was startled anyway, and flailed about in the sea of mail before righting himself to glare at the ceiling.
"Who's up there," he growled, looking through the periscope. "What—Sportaflop!? What in the name of villainy are you doing here!?"
"My crystal told me you were in trouble, Robbie. I came to help," Sportacus said kindly. But Robbie was having none of it.
"You wouldn't understand, Sportakook," he snapped. "It's a villain problem about villain things. Go away!"
"But I do want to help you! Can you at least tell me what's wrong," Sportacus asked. As he replayed the day's strange events in his mind, he zeroed in on one thing. "Does it have something to do with why you switched tests with Stephanie?"
Robbie had climbed out of the lair by this point to open the hatch and glare at his nemesis. "It might, but what would you know about not being the best anymore? You're only Number Ten! I—I was Number One!"
"You're not the number-one villain anymore," Sportacus asked, shocked. "Who said that?"
"This! It's official," Robbie said, dramatically waving a copy of the magazine in the air. He opened it to the centerfold and practically shoved the relevant pages into Sportacus's face to be sure he got the picture; the hero flinched away slightly before reading the article. When he finished, he looked at Robbie, taking in just how angry and hurt he was.
"Well, fame isn't everything, and it wasn't nice to cheat on the test," Sportacus began, and Robbie's scowl deepened. "But I can tell this means a lot to you, Robbie, and there have been many heroes—" at Robbie's protest he amended "—and villains who never graduated from school, but still did a lot for others and the world. I'll see what I can do."
Though he'd never admit it, something in Robbie's heart lightened at the thought of the hero helping him out—even if it was with a villain problem. "Well. Good luck, you'll probably need it! Here, you'd better take the stupid magazine. I don't want it anymore," he said, flinging it into Sportacus's hands and disappearing beneath the hatch to drown his sorrows in cake.
Sportacus hadn't expected a thank-you, especially since he hadn't done anything yet, so after returning to the ship he opened the magazine to study it. He grinned at seeing Roboticus on the issue cover—that had been a difficult scheme to defeat!
Robbie had gone all-out in his quest to replace him as town hero, using a robot superhero to show him up so he could destroy everyone's sports equipment once the position was secure. He'd even 'adjusted' some of the Mayor's laws, which had only been discovered after he'd been foiled, and the race to reclaim Sportacus's hero status was fraught with danger. Robbie had trapped all of the kids and even Sportacus himself; for once one of his pit traps had worked, and he'd been prepared to further entrap him by blocking the pit off with his bulldozer. While Sportacus had won that race, it was by a very narrow margin.
As he reflected on the villain's scheme, Sportacus was struck with inspiration. Quickly, he flipped through the magazine to find its phone number; upon committing it to memory, he moved the airship to land near LazyTown.
As expected, the kids came running up, with Stephanie looking especially happy to see him after the day's events. "Hi, Sportacus," she said, and then noticed what was in his hand. She wrinkled her nose. "Is that a villain magazine? What are you doing with that? You're a hero!"
Sportacus nodded. "I know, but right now we have to think about villains. Stephanie, I want you to go get your uncle and Bessie. The rest of you, stay here. Robbie needs help regaining his top villain status, and the best way I can think to do that is..."
Approximately one week later, with Robbie Rotten's usual bills came a special edition of Villains Digest. Robbie almost threw it away without opening it—they'd scorned him for the last time—but something compelled him to check it out anyway. Even if he was the lowly Villain Number Two ("I refuse to think I'm still Ten! Wicked thoughts, Robbie! Wicked thoughts!") the rest of the magazine might have items of interest. If he were lucky, maybe there'd be an article for tips on capturing superheroes!
Now somewhat cheered, Robbie ripped open the envelope—and stared.
He was front and center on the cover, with a gleaming trophy meticulously edited into his hands. And below his malevolently handsome profile, the article read "Robbie Rotten: Forever Number One!"
Robbie stared in disbelief, unsure whether he was dreaming it or not. A quick bite of cake proved he wasn't asleep—it never tasted as good in his dreams—and Robbie slowly opened the magazine to read the article. "Wow," he breathed. "I wonder how I got through to them? Surely it was my good looks that won them over—or my glorious quest to make everyone lazy!"
But when he finally got to the main article, Robbie was unprepared for what he saw.
Robbie Rotten: Forever Number One
In an unprecedented move, Sportacus, the Number 10 slightly-above-average hero of LazyTown and friend to children, teens, and adults the world over, has brought the citizens of LazyTown together in support of their local villain, Robbie Rotten. Those of you who have read our previous issue may remember that due to not graduating from school, Robbie was listed as Villain Number Ten in our Top Ten Villains in the World list. Mr. Rotten later clarified to this magazine that he had cheated to pass the LazyTown final exam in a stunning display of villainous cunning; however, his subsequent failure would have put him in the Number Two spot—until Sportacus and the LazyTowners approached us with this exclusive interview. I'm sure you'll all agree that after reading these eyewitness testimonies, Robbie Rotten deserves to be named Villain Number One in the world for all time!
Villains Digest (VD): Thank you for being here with us, Sportacus. It's not often a hero graces these fine pages! And you've brought the rest of the townspeople with you!
Sportacus: You're welcome. As soon as I heard Robbie was in trouble, I knew what I had to do.
Stephanie: Believe us, Robbie is more than deserving of the title 'Villain Number One.'
Trixie: And believe me, Sportacus knows trouble. Robbie's been bringing trouble to LazyTown since... as long as I can remember!
Ziggy: Especially after Stephanie and Sportacus came to town!
Stingy: Indeed. Once those two moved in, Robbie never really stopped scheming!
VD: Is that so? Tell me, Sportacus, what would you say are Robbie's goals in villainy?
Sportacus: Usually Robbie has two main goals with his plans—make all the children of LazyTown lazy, and kick me out of town in some way.
Stephanie: A lot of times he does both at once! He's had some really nasty schemes over the years.
Pixel: With amazingly evil inventions, too, and sometimes—I'm not entirely sure—what he does is like magic! Maybe it's magic science?
VD: Oh? What sort of inventions?
Pixel: There was one time he invented a device to de-age Sportacus into a ten-year-old. He had to infiltrate his lair to change back to normal! He's also used some of my inventions to cause trouble, like when he used my remote control to put the whole town on pause! Thank goodness I learned how to tie my shoes myself. And just a few weeks ago, he invented a time machine to get rid of all the sportscandy by bringing the man who planted the trees from the past to the future!
Ziggy: Yeah! There was also the time he invented a voice-activated taffy shooter! Without my toothbrush to clean my teeth LazyTown was drowning in taffy! (Editor's note: This was later confirmed to be literal.)
Trixie: And remember that cute robo-dog?
Stingy: Cute!? That dog was a menace! It attacked whenever someone said 'trouble.' At least Piggy, here, is decidedly non-aggressive.
Trixie: And don't forget his cannon, and the bulldozer! He uses those a lot.
Stephanie: There was also the time he wanted to win a dance contest, but was too lazy to dance himself even though he could—so he used a clockwork ballerina named Rottenella to dance for him!
Mayor Meanswell: Oh my! I remember her! She danced beautifully—but thanks to all that practice, you were able to win, Stephanie!
Stephanie: I couldn't have done it without Sportacus!
VD: Those are some impressive inventions! But you bring up an interesting point, Mr. Mayor. Has Robbie ever succeeded in his plans?
Bessie Busybody: Well…No. But he's certainly come close before! Why, if not for those wonderful children Sportacus might still be in jail for stealing my surprise birthday cake! (Editor's note: Sportacus did not, in fact, steal Bessie's cake. Mr. Rotten did and framed him for it.)
Mayor Meanswell: He also became Mayor at least twice, and outlawed everything sporty! Once was as rival mayor Fordmil Meansbad, and the other was as...well...yours truly!
VD: Amazing! But Mr. Rotten obviously looks nothing like you, Mr. Meanswell. How did he pull that off? (Editor's note: Apropos of nothing, the song 'Master of Disguise' by Robbie Rotten began to play. We are still wondering how that happened.)
Sportacus: That's an easy question. He uses clever disguises!
Stephanie: You might even call him the Master of Disguise!
VD: Can you give me examples of some of these disguises?
Trixie: You bet! Just last week he was a student named Biff Rottenstern. He really had us fooled! Then there was the time he was a scary dinosaur! Roarrr, roarrr!
Ziggy: (A little spooked.) T-there was also the time he was a birthday fairy on my birthday! That was when he gave me the taffy machine. He also impersonated Santa Claus!
VD: Oh my! You can't get much more villainous than impersonating St. Nick! That's a classic villain move.
Stingy: He's also pretended to be a pirate, as well as a royal knight. He had me convinced that I was the lost prince of LazyTown—and to tell you the truth, sometimes I still wonder…
Mayor Meanswell: Don't forget when he was Johnny B. Badd! You young'uns might not know this, but he was a famous rock star in the olden days!
Bessie Busybody: And he was so dreamy! Ah, the days of our youth… (Editor's note: Thanks to these comments we spent about 2 hours listening to Mr. Badd's music. We regret nothing.)
Pixel: What really makes Robbie's disguises effective is how well they work. According to my calculations, 99.99% of the time we have no idea it's him until the costume is messed up somehow! If I'd known that phony technician Bob Wired was Robbie from the start there's no way he'd have wired up the whole town to obey him.
Sportacus: Those are all great disguises—and a really effective one was when he impersonated me!
Stephanie: I remember that! It was so successful he used it twice. Another great disguise was the Big Bad Wolf. From what I heard, Robbie made that one by hand!
VD: So it's not just villainy—he's also good at sewing! Interesting. So far, I have to say this seriously boosts Mr. Rotten's credentials—but to be Villain Number One is an arduous journey, and to succeed you must be determined.
Sportacus: Just like being a hero!
VD: Haha, indeed! This next question is for all of you. So far, what would you say is Robbie Rotten's most effective scheme?
Stephanie: Hmm…That's a little hard to answer, since sometimes he puts himself in danger too—but Sportacus is always there to save him as well! I remember the time he dressed up as the pirate captain Rottenbeard. He'd never admit it, but I think he had a lot of fun dancing and singing with us—and for a while he succeeded in making us lazy with a fake LazyTown Stone! (Editor's note: The LazyTown Stone dictates the secret to living in LazyTown.)
Ziggy: For me it would definitely be the time he dressed up as the evil Purple Knight! He had a giant robot dragon that sucked up all the sportscandy, and the heroic Blue Knight challenged him to a duel! But then! He got in trouble, and the only way to help was to pull out the Blue Knight's sword! No one else had done it, so I didn't think I could at first—but the Blue Knight's speech encouraged me, and I was able to get the sword and save him just before Robbie ran him out of town!
VD: Wow, how exciting!
Trixie: Totally! His gorilla costume and snow monster disguise were pretty cool, but for most effective scheme, I'd go with the time we were all trying to set world records. Robbie wanted to be the laziest person in the world, but the other kids and I wanted to set our own world records for sports! He framed us for breaking things to stop our soccer records, but when Stephanie tried to call Sportacus for help, oh, man! He used a catapult to shoot soccer balls at him—Whoosh! Swish! Bam! Sportacus was hanging off the airship by one hand, and I had to rally everyone to work together to save him! Robbie was nastier than usual that day. Maybe he had an extra slice of cake or something!
Stingy: I'm sure you all know about me being a prince, so instead I will pick the time we were arguing over where to have Sportacus's birthday party. Stephanie wanted to have it at her house, while I wanted it to be at my house, and Robbie decided to make our divide literal—he built an entire wall to divide the town! In one night! How does that man do it!? Anyway, if it wasn't for him giving Sportacus a sugar apple, which made us all work together to save him, who knows? We might still be arguing to this day! (Trixie, that's my side!)
Pixel: Robbie's had a lot of schemes over the years, and I've narrowed my picks down to two—the remote control incident, which I already discussed, and the time I was losing sleep playing video games all night. I guess it inspired Robbie, because he created a noisy baseball to keep Sportacus up all night! If I hadn't gotten some sleep myself, we might have never won that all-or-nothing baseball game, and Sportacus would have had to leave town!
Mayor Meanswell: His most evil scheme… Oh! I know! It must be the time he took over as mayor with a fraudulent election. I was a secret agent to get my job back! I had cool gadgets, my own spy song, and the help of Stephanie and Sportacus, but it still wasn't enough to stop him—he trapped Sportacus, tied me up, and almost flattened my favorite flower, Gloria! (He adjusts his suit nervously.) Thank goodness the shark tank shops were closed that day…
Bessie Busybody: Hmm, his most effective scheme… I, personally, would have to go with the time we were almost named The Laziest Town. Everyone but Robbie was moving around at top speed, including myself, and Milford knows how hard it can be to get me up and moving. But Robbie was determined to sit still and do nothing, like a true villain. Sportacus was doing everything he could to raise the town's energy meter—but suddenly, at the last second he tired out! I couldn't believe it! And just when it all seemed lost, Robbie did a victory dance and saved the day!
VD: So in other words, if he hadn't danced too soon, he would have won!
Stephanie: Yep! We were all really proud of him for saving the town, even if he didn't mean to.
VD: And how about you, Sportacus? From one hero to a bunch of villains, what would you say is Robbie's best scheme?
Sportacus: I'm not sure I can answer that yet, since every time he has a new plan it could change! At first it was the time he gave me a sugar apple to try and win the Super Race. Then it was the time he made me lose my memory so I would stop saving people—and after that, the time he used all of his failed inventions at once! That was a super workout.
VD: That sounds dangerous!
Sportacus: It was! Another time he tried to crash my airship by stealing a ticket onboard, and once he dressed up as a dance instructor to trick Stephanie into leaving town. That one was particularly troublesome because he locked me in a trunk and tied it to balloons to float away! Thankfully, the Mayor and Stephanie helped rescue me—and Robbie.
Mayor Meanswell: All in a day's work!
Sportacus: Another effective plan was Roboticus. (Editor's note: See special insert on page 12, or last week's issue of VD for more details.) There was also the time he tried to steal my crystal during the opening of the LazyTown Museum and put me into a sugar meltdown. He might have gotten away with it without help from my airship! But while these are all very villainous plans, I think his most effective one—for me, anyway—is yet to come.
VD: So you're confident he'll keep trying?
Sportacus: Absolutely. If there's one thing I've learned about Robbie Rotten in all my time as hero, he never, ever gives up in his schemes, and always tries again no matter what. That, more than anything, is proof he deserves to be Villain Number One.
VD: After hearing your testimonies, I'm convinced! Robbie Rotten is Villain Number One—in fact, he'll have the Number One spot for all time and eternity! Thank you for your time, Sportacus, and all you LazyTowners! Here's hoping Mr. Rotten will have an especially nasty scheme in store soon that makes Villains Two through Ten wish they'd thought of it first. Until next time, this is Villains Digest, celebrating the evil in all of us.
When Robbie finished reading the article he paused to wipe at tears that had begun to form.
He was not going to cry! He wasn't!
…Okay, maybe he was! But just a little.
"They…they all vouched for me," he breathed. "Even Sportacus. I never realized I had such good frien…"
He blinked, suddenly cognizant of what he was about to say. "Er…I mean… enemies! Yes! And now to repay them for their help—by being the best villain I can! Hahaha!"
Instantly rejuvenated, Robbie set to work planning his next scheme to make the people lazy and kick Sportaflop out of town. His mind was swimming with ideas and plans, so many it was almost too much to handle!
"If they think I'm a villain now, they haven't seen anything yet!"
But before he fully committed himself to yet another dastardly scheme, he cut the interview out and framed it—as a reminder of the time everyone in LazyTown proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Robbie Rotten was Villain Number One for eternity.
As he sat down with a generous helping of cake and a freshly fluffed pillow, Robbie's triumphant laughter echoed around the lair.
"It's good to be bad—and to be Villain Number One, forever!"
Dedicated to Stefan Karl Stefansson, who portrayed Robbie Rotten, his original incarnation Glanni Glaepur, and many other amazing characters, and spent his life making others, young and old, happy through music, fun, and laughter. Thanks for everything, and may you continue to inspire!