This Part of Me
Helen took a breath as she walked up the stairs, approaching Joan's room. The door was slightly ajar. She knocked on the doorframe, catching her daughter's attention. Joan pulled the headphones down around her neck and looked expectantly at her mother. Helen silently walked into the room and shut the door.
"What's up, Mom?" Joan asked.
"I…I wanted to apologize for getting all upset over the paintings," Helen began, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"It's fine. I should have just left them alone," Joan said, tapping her fingers against her walkman. Silence fell for a moment between mother and daughter. Helen let out a soft half laugh before speaking again.
"It's just…you didn't know what they meant, what they represented. I think…you're old enough and you should know," Helen began to explain. She could feel the tears pricking behind her eyes, threatening to fall.
"Mom," Joan said, sitting up and putting hand on her mother's arm.
"I'm ok," Helen muttered, composing herself.
"So…what do they mean?" Joan pressed, pulling the headphones from around her neck and tossing them aside. She moved closer to her mom. Helen took a deep breath and licked her lips. She couldn't look at Joan.
"Twenty five years ago...I…I was assaulted," she choked out, failing to keep her tears in check.
"Oh God…Mom," Joan gasped, wrapping her arms around her mother.
"What…happened?" she managed to get out while still pressing her cheek against her mom's shoulder.
"It…was during art school. He came into my room…" Helen trailed off, choking on tears. She couldn't say this…not to Joan…not to her little girl. She'd promised Will she would explain everything to Joan but it was proving to be a much harder task than she'd anticipated.
"It's ok Mom…you don't have to say…I get it," Joan said, filling the dead space between them.
"I'm sorry honey…it's just hard to…I tried to shield you from it for so long," Helen murmured.
"Did…they ever catch the guy?" Joan asked tentatively. Helen swallowed and shook her head in the negative. In response, Joan clung more tightly to Helen's shoulders. They sat there, holding each other for a while.
"I'm so sorry," Joan whispered. Helen let out a sigh and lifted Joan's chin with her finger.
"Afterwards…I went to a very dark place and it took me a long time to come out of it," she explained.
"And that's where the paintings came from?" Joan asked. Helen nodded her head.
"It was my way of trying to work out the emotions I was dealing with," Helen said.
"Thanks for telling me, Mom. I'm sorry I tried to sell the paintings," Joan murmured, giving her mom a tight hug.
"I love you," Helen breathed, returning the gesture. Helen stood up and took the two steps to the door. Joan gave her a smile before she walked out. Joan lay back on her bed. She was going to have a serious talk with God the next time he showed up.