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The Letter

Mick closed the door behind the movers with a look of relief. It had taken the better part of the morning but they finally delivered the last of the boxes from Beth's apartment. In spite of the annoyance of having strangers in his loft, he couldn't help feeling some excitement as well. After six months of dating and building their relationship, she was finally moving in. Gallantly, Mick volunteered to stay and meet the movers while Beth went to work. It didn't matter that he currently didn't have a case. He was willing to do just about anything if it helped to get Beth permanently in his life.

He went upstairs to do one last check of the boxes now stored in the second bedroom. The only thing left was for Beth to move in a few more personal items and this would become her home. After the hectic week they'd both had, it would be a relief to have her settled here at last.

He was just about to leave when an item on the floor caught his attention. Several of the boxes had come open during the trip and it must've fallen out of one. He picked up the envelope intending to put it away when the name on the front jumped out and immediately caught his attention. It was addressed simply "Josh". There was no mistaking the delicate script; the handwriting belonged to Beth.

He knew he should put it back. This was obviously something he was never meant to see. Yet even now after all this time, Beth's relationship with Josh was still a sore spot and source of hidden insecurity for him. Since that day on the beach when they'd shared lunch, they'd never spoken of him. Try as he might to be secure, there were times when Mick wondered if Beth still had feelings for her deceased boyfriend. In the end it was the scent of Beth's tears that motivated him to open the envelope and start to read. To his surprise he noticed the date; the day after Josh's funeral.

Dearest Josh,

I suppose it's silly to be writing you now considering your funeral was yesterday. But there were so many things left unsaid between us that I felt I owed you the truth even now. I can only hope that somehow my words will find their way to you and set things right since I never had the courage to while you were still here.

I guess the most important thing I need to ask for, Josh, is your forgiveness. There were definitely secrets that I kept from you and for that I am truly sorry. More importantly, though, is the simple fact that I lied; not once but time and again when I told you we were ok. I know you suspected something was wrong for a while and you were right. If it helps, in hindsight you weren't the only one I was deceiving. I was also deceiving myself by pretending to be the same woman I was when we first met.

The honest truth is my life changed forever when I saw Mick St. John's face. Though I didn't know it at the time, I think I fell in love with him that very first night. From the moment we met again, it was like I found a part of myself I didn't know I was missing. Perhaps if I'd been wiser or more courageous I would've ended things between us then and saved us all much heartache. Instead I lied to you, to myself, and even to Mick and pretended nothing had changed, a mistake I will always regret. If I'd been a better person I would have been honest and set you free to find someone to love you like you deserved.

I don't know if it makes a difference, Josh, but I really did care for you. It just wasn't until our last night together that I finally understood how much I truly loved Mick. You were so loving and gentle, yet all I could think of was how I wished it were his arms I was in. I know it doesn't change anything now, but I did decide that day to tell you the truth once the case was finished but I never got the chance.

After you were gone, I even made things worse by blaming poor Mick for your death. In truth, I was taking my anger and guilt out on him for my own short comings where you were concerned. In my own self-loathing, I said things to him that were so hurtful, they now want to make me weep at the pain I inflicted on the man I love beyond my own life.

I do love him, Josh, and for that again I am sorry. Though I tried to deny it, I've never felt happier or more complete than when I'm with him. I'm not sure if it was the night of the incident with Julia or what Mick and I shared in Victorville, but a piece of my soul has been tied to him ever since in a way no words could ever express.

I know that in the scheme of things, this is only a letter. But I feel better after writing it. I guess what I mean, Josh, is that I'm saying goodbye. I'm sorry things ended between us the way they did, but I'm done with my tears. Things are complicated, but I love Mick and I believe in us and I'm not willing to let that love go without a fight. You have to fight for what you believe in, no matter what the risks. You taught me that, dear Josh and for that I will always be grateful. But now it's time for me to let you go and call Mick. I don't know if he can ever forgive me for the things I said, but I'm damn sure going to try and make him! You said I was cute when I'm crusading. Let's hope Mick thinks so. Where he is concerned, I need every advantage I can get!

Farewell, Josh. Rest in Peace.

Beth

By the time, he reached the end of the letter, Mick's hands were shaking. Beth's love for him jumped off the page like a physical caress. Though this letter wasn't meant for him, she'd laid bare her soul and he loved her all the more for it. Carefully, he tucked the note back inside the envelope and placed it back in one of the boxes.

Several hours later, Beth entered the loft with a weary sigh. Her face showed her surprise when she saw Mick coming toward her, a glass of wine in hand.

"Hi, what are you still doing here? I thought tonight was poker night at Josef's."

Mick warmly smiled in reply as he handed her the wine and took her bag. "It is. But I cancelled."

Entering the room, she took in her surroundings. The lights were down, the fireplace giving off a romantic glow as soulful jazz played softly. A pair of lit candles rested on the table in front of the couch where a mouthwatering dinner sat waiting. Mick guided her to the couch and sat her down. Sliding behind her, he began to rub her stiff neck and shoulders soothingly.

"Wow, this is heavenly! What did I do to deserve this treatment?"

"Nothing. It's just we've both been so busy this week; I thought we could use a quiet night in to ourselves." He finished massaging and pulled her back gently to rest against him. With a contented sigh, she relaxed back and allowed her head to fall back on his shoulder. His arms instantly came up to encircle her. They stayed that way for long minutes just content in each other's company.

"Have I told you lately how much I love you?" She murmured sleepily.

"Yes, but tell me again. And in case I haven't said it enough, I love you too." He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head.

"I can never hear or say that enough." She snuggled deeper into his embrace.

He smiled got wider as he lowered his head down toward her waiting lips. "Neither can I, my sweet Beth. Neither can I."

The night grew quiet as the music played on, the only sounds those of two people very much in love.