First Love
Summary: As Helen watches Clare and Raki, she reflects upon her own past love affair.
Note: Takes place right at the end of the Slashers arc. If you're here, you've probably read/watched way past this.
Disclaimer: If I owned Claymore, Clare would go all Quicksword and/or Windcutter on me for making her have so much smut with a certain someone. So I'm glad I don't own.
------------As I watch the kid run to her, I am too astonished to speak. The four of us had gone on an Awakened Hunt for eleven days. During this time, I had expected him to leave her and move on with his life just as any normal human would do. However, we see him running eagerly towards her as we make our way back to the town.
I conclude that this kid must be batshit insane.
Why would he go so far just to be her little fuck buddy? There were plenty of normal human girls to choose from. Girls who were regarded highly upon society and could bear sons. Girls who weren't called silver eyed witches by the general public. I couldn't see any reason that made Number Forty-Seven seem so special. So why did he choose her?
I felt someone nudge my shoulder hard. "Just watch," Deneve murmured, "And I hope you realize that you have been standing here with your mouth wide open for a whole minute now."
It takes me a minute before I see what she is talking about. When I do, a part of me wants to laugh and exclaim how ridiculous this whole situation is. But I couldn't bring myself to do so.
It was the first time I had seen Number Forty Seven smile like that. No, it was the first time I had even seen her smile. During the Awakened Hunt, her face had been set into an expressionless mask that was impossible to read. But now, from this one fleeting smile, I can see the affection that she holds for him.
It was so obvious. I can't believe I didn't see it before. They loved each other.
Love, eh?
That sure brings back memories. Memories of when I had fallen in love. Memories of when I wanted the relationship that these two have now. The nostalgia of it all sinks into me as I part my ways with everyone and am assigned a new task by my handler. Later on, as I walk alone on the dirt path, I cannot help myself. I let myself think about him.
------------I had been extremely bored that night. It may sound odd but our lives are actually really boring. We go off and slaughter youma in exchange for nothing. Yup, that's right, nada. The stupid Organization is the one that gets the profits, not us. While I don't really care about the money, what piss me off are the customers. The customers never seem to realize that we are the ones risking our lives to save their asses. Instead, they treat us as if we are also youma. They seem to forget that we Claymores used to be, and still are, human.
It was during times like these when I could forget about my duties. That day, I had finished my mission early and cheerfully headed off to the nearest pub for some fun. As soon as I entered, most of the customers shot me a fearful glance before quickly looking away. Except for one man.
He was the only one of them that didn't look away. I stared at him for a second. There was something about his eyes that kept me from looking away. While I could see that they were overflowing with curiosity and mischief, there was something else that I couldn't quite name. Something that I was looking for. Well, whatever it was, it seriously had me curious. With that, I ordered a drink from the bartender and sat down next to him.
"What a boring night," I said with an exaggerated yawn. While waiting for his response, I allowed myself to get a good view of him. I have to admit, he wasn't bad looking in the slightest. He had long black bangs that almost drooped down his eyes and were slightly swept to the right side. While it made him look rather girly, it suited him well and made him just that much more attractive.
"Really?" The man asked. "I'm finding the night more and more interesting as it progresses." I snorted in response.
"Truly, now. I sit here in a bar drinking booze for hours while not expecting much to happen and then I find that a pretty Claymore sitting right next to me," he said playfully. His voice had a tone that I found both tantalizing and dangerous. I felt it contained everything I was looking for that night. I wanted to hear more of it.
"You must seriously have no life, pretty boy," I sneered at him. Taken affront with my boldness, he laughed and slightly threw his head back. I saw him quickly adjust his hair with hand before he took another swig of his booze.
"You've certainly got that right. Though I do have an actual name. But if you're implying that I'm beautiful, which I certainly am, then you are free to continue calling me pretty boy."
I sneer at him. "In your dreams. Now tell me your real name."
"Roma," he says as he makes an attempt to tilt him chin up and bring his hand to his chest in order to look cool. "Now that I have revealed my name, I would appreciate it if you would reveal yours."
"I'm Helen," I say confidently with pride, "I'm Number 22."
"Mhmm," Roma said," I remember hearing about how you Claymores have ranks among them. How many ranks are there in all?"
"Forty-seven. Forty-seven for the forty-seven regions."
"I see. So you're not bad in swordplay, eh?" Roma said. "Now would you be so kind to answer a question I've had about your kind for awhile? Do you Claymores ever do anything besides kill youma?"
I shrugged. "It depends on whom. Most of us just go off from one job to another. However, I usually try to go off and do whatever I feel like doing."
"You sound like quite the rebel."
"Not really," I said, "I just want to enjoy life. I mean, I've worked so hard to stay alive you know with fighting youma and all. There's no point for me to spend my whole life bitching about all the bad things that go on and be some whining, boring, over-emotional girl that can't enjoy life for what it is. I just want to enjoy my life for as long while I'm still here."
"I see," Roma muttered quietly as I leaned in closer to hear him, "As it so happens, I also want to enjoy my life too. So what do you say that the two of us go upstairs and find the excitement in life that we both are looking for?"
"As long as you're the one that pays for the room," I said with a mischievous grin. With that, he got up and talked to the tavern keeper. I followed him to an upstairs with a grin on my face that I couldn't help showing off.
------------We did it in complete darkness so I could hide the discoloration of my torso. I was afraid he would be too grossed out to make love to me if he saw what was there. But he never wanted to turn on the lights and I was grateful for it. Though I admit, it is more erotic to do it in the dark.
As for how it felt, I can only recall bits and pieces of that night. The touch of his skin against mine, the carnal pleasure that felt like strong, sweet liquor for my body, and that climax that made me want to just melt away and stay there forever. These feelings were all that remained after all these years. If I want to sum it up quickly, I guess I would say that the pleasure had felt a lot like awakening except for the fact that it had no risk of me turning into a hideous monster.
I'm not sure why I liked it so much. I guess having sex with him gave me a taste of everything I didn't and couldn't have in my life. Unlike my day-to-day life, it did not involve any regimens or stupid rules. It was the only time where I could do whatever I want just because I felt like it. And I savored the moments just as a poor villager savors a feast.
After we had finished, we stayed on top of each other for awhile. Just the two of us like that, savoring in the moment and wallowing in it as much as we could. For the longest time, we didn't even speak. It felt like hours later, when Roma finally spoke.
"Let's do this again sometime."
------------During the times that followed, we continued to go at it as much as possible. The only problem was that, as a Claymore, I wasn't able to come every night. As boring as our lives might be, they were still very busy. Nevertheless, I always tried to finish my jobs as quickly as possible. Even my handler mentioned it once or twice. Knowing that guy, he probably figured out what was going on.
I swear these handlers can be really creepy sometimes.
I'm not sure when I began to see Roma as someone beyond a fuck buddy. Or maybe I never saw him that way from the beginning. For one thing, it was completely unreasonable to keep on coming back to the same guy. There were plenty of other decent looking guys out that were great in bed. However, Roma was the only guy that I could think of. Actually, he was the only thing I could think about during this time.
"You're really obsessed with this guy," Deneve had said after I had talked about Roma for an hour straight. We had been best friends since we were still in training. So whenever we saw each other, we would always make sure to grab a drink together and pass the night away talking and catching up. She never said anything directly against Roma or my fling with him but I noticed her eyes would always narrow slightly whenever I spoke about him. However, she would always let me blab on about him as much as I wished.
As for Roma, I never told him I loved him or anything stupid like that. When we did talk, it usually consisted of me going on about my life as Claymore while he listened eagerly. Occasionally, he talked about himself. From what I could gather, he seemed to be a dealer in some shady business. It didn't matter to me. As long as I could continue to be with him, I was happy. I never realized that it would all have to end someday.
------------That night, I was even more eager than usual to see him. I had been gone longer than usual because of another job. I nearly knocked down the door of the pub in excitement. I was shocked when I didn't see him at usual place.
"He's not here tonight," the bartender said casually. By this time, he was used to my presence. So were the other customers. Some even waved cheerily at me.
"So where he is?" I clucked impatiently. It had been nearly a month. I was ready to do him now and the waiting was driving me insane.
"I think he saw him by his house," one of the regular customers drawled, "Turn right and keep on walking straight. You should see him eventually."
I nodded quickly in thanks and rushed out of the pub. I turned right and burst into a run until I heard his voice. I would have knocked him down right then and there if I didn't hear another voice talking to him. I stopped and hid myself behind a wall nearby. I peeked out at him and saw that he was talking to another person.
Another girl.
As much as I tried to tell myself that she was one ugly bitch, I knew she wasn't. She had curly red-gold hair and slightly freckled skin that I could barely see in the streetlight. She wasn't super-skinny like me, but she was very shapely with wide hips and large breasts. In other words, she was everything I couldn't be. And Roma seemed to like that.
"Mary," Roma said in a pleading tone that I had never heard him use, "Please…"
"Forget it. I won't marry you. Why should I? You're always playing around with every girl you see. I even heard you're having an affair with a Claymore." She said this with disgust and spit in his face. Normally, I would have stepped in by this time and started screaming at the both of them. But I was too shocked to speak. Roma had asked this little bitch to marry him?
"LISTEN TO ME!" Roma screamed. I looked at him for just a second. I had never seen his face like that before. He really did look upset. Actually, he was showing more emotion in this minute than I had ever seen during all our times together. It was like he had turned into a completely different person.
"Those girls mean nothing to me. Nothing at all. I'm a typical guy. All guys have to play around sometimes. But it's different with you. You mean so much more to me. Do you want to know why I never have asked to have sex with you? It's because I think you're so sacred and I don't want to associate you on the same level with the others. Don't you get it? I love you."
I love you. Those were the words that I had always secretly wished to hear him say. And now, I had finally heard it.
------------I didn't wait to hear Mary's response. I just turned on my heel and stomped loudly away. I didn't care if they heard me. Actually, I didn't care about anything at this point. With a huff, I went back to pub and nearly knocked down the door again in anger.
"ONE BOTTLE OF WHISKEY," I screamed at the poor bartender as I slapped down the beras on the counter. He didn't seem to be surprised at my sudden change of mood; I guess he knew about it. Actually, I think everyone in the pub had already known what was going on. Nevertheless, he quickly whipped out the bottle and set it on the table, along with room keys.
"You can stay here tonight if you wish," he muttered, "You've been a good customer so consider it on the house." To this day, I wish I had the common sense to thank him at this time. He was the sole human that I have known that has ever shown much kindness to someone like me. However, I wasn't able to appreciate his generosity right at that moment so I quickly grabbed the bottle and keys and stormed up to an upstairs room. The other customers quickly moved out of the way. I guess my outburst had scared the living shit out of them. The Claymore that I carried probably did not help.
I went to the bed and laid on my back as usual. This time though, I opened the bottle and chugged down the whiskey until there was nothing left. When I drained it of all its contents, I threw the bottle against the closed door and watched it shatter.
How? How could this have happened? How could have Roma been in love with that girl? I thought he was in love…with me. Okay, I admit I had nothing good to base this on. After all, lust and love were two completely different things. But from the curious way he looked at me, the way that his eyes lit up as soon as he saw me, the way that he had kissed me while we were having sex…I had sworn that I thought he loved me. I guess it was stupid of me to when he didn't even give a shit about me.
This whole thing was stupid mess. How could I have been so stupid to have cared about a jackass like him? He was nothing more than a pretty boy that cared about sleeping around. So how could I have cared so much about him? How could I have had all these fantasies of me and him together? And how could I let myself lose control for someone as shitty as him?
I never should have let this go beyond the lust. I should have realized that our relationship could have never gone further. After all, I was a Claymore. He was a human. We could have never been together. It was not the way the world worked. As a Claymore, my only purpose was to get rid of youma in order to please ungrateful humans. I had no other purpose in life. I wasn't made to love or to have other commitments beyond slaying youma in the first place. Throughout my whole life, I had always considered myself as a human, even after I had become a Claymore. But now, for the first time, I fully realized what it meant to be a Claymore. And I was ashamed of it.
I grabbed a pillow nearby and buried my face in it as I screamed as loudly as I could. The pillow cover was very rough but I buried my face into it until I felt my skin burn with rawness. I wanted to peel off my skin, along with every layer of myself, and start over. But when I realized I couldn't, I let myself cry until the tears started stinging at my eyes and face with their brutal sharpness.
------------It took me awhile to get over Roma. For awhile, I felt and probably looked like a ghost. I no longer completed my jobs at the rate I once did as my handler was keen to point out with a mocking smile. It was at that moment when I was sure he knew everything. It took all my self-control to not grab my Claymore and run it through him.
Deneve was also able to figure out what had happened. One look at my fake smile that I had tried spent so much time practicing, and I knew she understood right away. For awhile we sat at the bar in silence I stared at the empty bottle, brooding. Then I felt someone lightly punch my shoulder.
"Look over there," Deneve whispered, "What do you think of those guys sitting over there?"
I stare at her with my wide open, too astonished to speak. Since when did Deneve, out of all people, grow hormones? I was starting to wonder if her someone spiked her drink or something. At this rate, it wouldn't be surprising if she got up on the bar and started dancing. It took me for a minute to understand what she was trying to do.
She was doing this for me. It was her way of saying that Roma was a total dick and I should move on with my life. And she was absolutely right. There were plenty of better looking guys out there. I looked for the guys that she was talking about there. They were certainly decent looking.
I gave her a big grin. It was the first real grin that I had given in a long time.
"Both the brunette and blonde are pretty good looking. Wanna go for it?"
Deneve just stared at me incredulously.
"Come on," I pleaded, "It's soo much fun. Besides, you need to loosen up and get laid for once in your life. Please…."
With this, Deneve gave a small sigh. I noticed that she also had a slight smile on her face.
"Fine."
With that, I dragged her by the arm to the two guys. And trust me; we both enjoyed ourselves that night, even if Deneve will never admit it. I was finally able to have sex again just for the fun of it. And that is such a wonderful feeling.
------------Now, as I look out at the path laid ahead out at me, I wonder how the relationship between Number 47 and that kid will go. It won't be easy, of course. However, I think it can work. Unlike mine, their love was mutual. They both are willing to wait and go to great lengths to be with each other. Perhaps, she will be the first one out of us to find happiness out of love.
I sure hope she does.
THE END
------------Author's Notes:
-First of all this is a solo project from me, kiseki gurl. The Sepia Tree account is consisted of 2 authors (night is the other author) but I decided to do this story on my own. And I'm glad I did.
- Actually, it's been 6 months since my silent /oath to never write fanfiction again (obviously I broke it) and over a year since I wrote a fanfiction on my own. I guess fanfiction isn't something you can escape from easily.
-This is my first time writing in first person. It was a total struggle to get Helen in character. After much worrying and rereading the manga, I decided to go with Galatea's comment of "passionate". I hope Helen turned out all right. Night said that if I was a Claymore I'd be Helen hehe. Okay moving on…
-The bar scene at the end was a tribute to Hamstadini's Girl Talk.
-I don't know what's coming next. But until then, I hope you've enjoyed the fic. Please review!