Over And Over
He was a human and she was an alien.
He was the leader and she was the teammate.
He was raised by the Dark Knight and she was raised by her k'norfka/nanny.
He was covered with scars and she was flawless.
He was stern and focused while she was care-free and happy.
It was amazing how someone who could be his complete opposite seemed to be his perfect match. Butterflies would always form whenever he laid an eye on her and the beat of his heart would quicken when she was near him. Guilt would surface when he slammed doors in her face and didn't do the things she wanted. He had hurt her countless times and yet she had brushed it off as if it was nothing.
How could she do this to him? How could she still be kind and loving to him even though he knew that he didn't deserve it? How could she be so beautiful and caring and yet still want to be around him? Apparently, he was doing something right since she could still stand to be his best friend.
Yes, they were best friends and he was damn proud to be. He was the one she came to when she needed help. He was the one that had caught her whenever she fell. He was the one that would always protect her from anyone who let their eye wander over her for a second too long. He was the one that was in love with her.
However, he couldn't do anything about it. Before his team was formed, he had been Batman's partner in crime and the said-hero was his father-figure. The two heroes had many things in common. Both of them were left without parents at a young age, wanted justice to enact itself after the deaths of their loved ones, had become Gotham's heroes and had sworn to protect those who weren't able to do it themselves. At first, he wasn't anything like the Dark Knight, but as time passed by, he saw fucked up things and realized how he needed to stop it. He had taken an oath to protect the city at the age of 12 and had become known as the Boy Wonder, or in recent years, Robin. But, as his mentor had put it, there were sacrifices to be made in the world of heroism.
There was no room more mistakes. The smallest mishap could occur and it could end in the death of an innocent bystander, or better yet, your own life. Everything could always use improvement and his mentor had never let him forget that.
If your enemy was believed to be one step ahead, then you had to make sure that they were five steps behind. He had to always think of all of the possibilities and the outcomes. Everything had to be planned out to the exact point or else consequences would have to be fulfilled.
Emotions were a weakness. They would eventually lead to a downfall at the hero's expense and crush them. Love seemed to be the most dangerous one of all. You couldn't let anyone within your built walls that were the only thing that were able to protect you. Anyone you cared about, anyone at all, could be used against you. If the mission didn't go well, then there was a possibility that it would end up with a trip to the cemetery.
Killing anyone, no matter what the crime was, was unforgivable and could easily turn you into a villain. That was the one thing that you never wanted to turn into and if you did, then you were no better than the people you put in jail.
Those were the rules that had stood out the most. He was a diligent adolescent and that meant that these rules were set in stone. No exceptions. Truth be told, there was one person who he had feelings for when he was still with the Batman.
Batgirl.
For some odd reason, it seemed that the Caped Crusader had approved of this small relationship that wasn't even something at all. She was supposedly his first love but the longer he spent time with her, it didn't feel that way anymore. They had gone out on one date and that was enough for the both of them. She was older than him and in her eyes, he was merely a child with a crush.
The thought of her thinking of him like that made him melancholy, of course it did, but it wasn't as much as he had hoped. Did he really love her or was it false love? He would find out eventually after he would come to a decision to leave his old team and go to Jump City and form a new one.
As it turned out, that was the best and worst choice he ever made.
Why? Why did he love her? Was it the way her hair seemed to fall perfectly each time she moved. Was it the way her selflessness seemed to enchant him by the way she didn't care for her safety but instead put others first before herself? Was it the way her laugh sounded musical to him? Was it the way she looked whenever she was in battle; determination settling upon her jade eyes and a warrior coming out of her? She was a one-in-a-million person and he hated how he would never be able to have her.
Emotions were a weakness. Don't let anyone through your walls. They can be used against you. These words continued to repeat itself in his mind whenever he thought about pursuing a relationship with her. He understood perfectly, no doubt about that, but he was a family man after all. He wanted a wife and kids with their beautiful house that would be in a friendly neighborhood and the whole nine yards. It was a shame that he knew he would never get it as long as he remained who he was. And let's face it, he was a hero.
When he had first met her, there was a moment where his heart would skip a beat when he found himself accidentally making contact with her. Brushes of the arm, hand, leg, knee, etc., and when he trained with his team, he would always try to adjust her stance and would stay with her a moment longer than needed.
"It's just a crush. It'll pass soon enough," he always told himself. He was right, for a while. Whenever he thought of a way to get over her, the idea of changing how their relationship worked scared him. It made him feel lifeless and he hated it. She made him feel like he had something worth living for.
Over and over again that cycle failed. He got close to letting her go, but would soon repel the idea and would reel her back in his heart. As the time passed, the cycle began to stop and his crush on her developed. He hated and loved it at the same time.
She was like his daily dose and if he didn't get it, then life seemed pointless. He needed her in his life. He needed her to tell him that she loved him, wanted him, desired him. But that couldn't happen.
There were occurrences when he thought that he could stop caring about her the way he did and instead think of her like a sister instead of a lover, like Raven. He saw how she and Beastboy had seemed to get closer every day, it seemed to be flea steps instead of baby steps, but he couldn't help but be happy that they were getting along. There was even a point when he had overheard Beastboy talking to Cyborg about Raven and how he thought he liked her. 'Well I hope they're happy with each other if they end up together.'
He appeared to be completely unfazed if he pictured Raven and the two other guys to be with someone in the future, but when it came to her, that was a whole other story. If he pictured someone else with her then there would always be a sinking feeling in his stomach, followed along with anger and jealousy. In fact, there was a time when a man, who appeared to be around their age, had hit on her and earned himself a dangerous glare from the man-in-love himself. Not only had the anger, jealousy, and hurt come to him, but the thought of her being happy with another man killed him on the inside. He wanted her for himself. Damn, he was selfish.
And yet, he didn't care. She gave him the impression that she liked him. Was it the way he liked her? Probably not, he told himself. But if she could somehow find a way to stick with him then that would be perfect.
Years passed.
His desire for her grew stronger as he was becoming a man. A man whose body reacted when he thought about her and the moments they could have with each other. That is, if he let himself have her.
It was a double-standard really. He never let anyone have her and yet he didn't allow himself to claim her. Damn that Bat. He created and destroyed him at the same time. Setting him up for the years to come and the preventing from him having a future and being happy with someone he loved.
It got harder every day to push aside his feelings. He began to dream about her nearly every night. Just the thought of her brought a smile to his face and a painful feeling to his heart. It was too much to be around her but then again, a euphoric feeling overcame him.
Damn his heart and brain, one telling him to be with her and tell her how he felt for the longest time while the other reminded him of the oath he took. And he was no rule breaker.
More years followed and changes took over. His team was no longer known as the Teen Titans, but as the Titans, based off of the fact that they were no longer teenagers. Beastboy and Raven began dating a few years ago and were now engaged-to-be-married. Cyborg had also found a team member to come and love as she was currently living in the Titans East. There were frequent visits between them and video calls here and there. How the two managed to stay together that long and still make it work was beyond him but he was proud. Name changes took place but only within two members of the team. Beastboy, now known as Changeling, switched his name at the age of twenty while Robin became known as Nightwing at the age of nineteen. If possible, his matureness brought her closer to him. Growth spurts took place here and there which made himself and Changeling taller than the one they loved. Bodies were filled out even more making them all look like grown adults, with the exception of Cyborg who only aged by the face a little.
Still, even as things became altered, the feelings that were in his heart increased making it nearly impossible to control himself from kissing the woman he loved senseless. But, some things could never change.
Throughout all of the time that he knew her, he would try to fall out of love but only to fail over and over again. Soon enough, he gave up and accepted it. Over and over again he would feel his heart tighten and stomach do flips when he saw her. Over and over again did he convince himself to not advance their relationship. Over and over again did he fall back in love with her.
I listened to the song while writing this and there's always this one part of the song that seems to get to me. Basically, if you didn't get it, this was about how Robin loves Starfire and yet he knows that he can't have her based off of Batman's rules. I highly recommend listening to this song if you get the chance to or want to. In my opinion, you may get it more if you hear the song.
Most of the information about Batman or anything related to Robin's past life was mostly based off of my knowledge. I think I'm still learning so if something was wrong then please tell me either in the reviews or a PM.
I would also like to apologize if this came off like an AU story. I was reading too much fanfiction on a couple that I secretly support and am a little ashamed of. Turns out that they might be related and as much as I hate to say it, I may have to go down with that ship. Anyway, because of that, I got into their characters and out of Robin's. I think that I may have messed this story up but I hope that you at least enjoyed it a little bit. Please review and all that other good stuff! I don't own anything but Warner Bros. and DC Comics do!
Always yours,
light is in the dark
P.S. If you didn't figure it out, the her meant Starfire. No one else.