FRACTURED FAIRYTALES: FMA STYLE!
Tale #1:
The Wizard of Odd
ONCE UPON A TIME, young Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, was found poking around his superior officer Colonel Roy Mustang's office, futilely searching for some sort of blackmail to use against the smug man.
"I'll show him," he fumed to himself, grabbing a stool and positioning it before the bookcase. "Thinks he's so much better than me, does he? Well, no more! There's gotta be something around here I can use…"
Naturally, due to the ever present need for plot devices, Edward had selected the single most wobbly stool in the entire room. Thinking nothing of it, the young man stood up and began to search some of the higher shelves. Despite his best efforts, Edward was simply having no luck locating even the tiniest scrap of embarrassing material to use as leverage against his black haired adversary, but because the plot needed to move along, he continued to search, standing up on tiptoe and reaching up as far as his arms could go.
"Come on!" he begged. "Give me something I can use!!"
At that moment, Black Hayate, the resident dog of Eastern Command, came barreling into the room, pursuing absolutely nothing in his wildly barking madness and successfully upsetting the wobbly stool Edward was standing on. For a long, stomach-churning second, Edward waved his arms around in frantic circles, but then, the stool toppled and he went falling backwards. On the way down, he cracked the back of his head on the corner of the Colonel's heavy ebony desk and collapsed into blackness.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
What seemed to be only a few minutes later, Edward stirred and groaned. He pushed himself up on his right elbow and looked around, finding the Colonel's office much as it had been before. With another groan, he reached back and rubbed the back of his head, wincing as his fingers came into contact with the lump protruding there.
"Oh, man…I really did a number on myself…" he said, and he pushed himself to his feet. He stumbled a little but caught himself on Mustang's desk, and he shook his head in an effort to clear it. He decided he should probably go to the infirmary to get his head checked out to make sure he hadn't severely damaged it. However, upon opening the door to the office, Edward noticed that something was very, very wrong, and it made him freeze in his tracks. Black Hayate ambled over to sit down beside the young alchemist, and wagged his tail slightly as he looked up at him.
"What the…?" Edward breathed, golden eyes staring wide eyed at the surroundings. Coming straight out from the edge of the doorway was a yellow bricked path that trailed off into the distance a bit before disappearing around a bend into a thicket of brightly colored brush. Birds of many colors and sounds chirped and sang out in the brilliant sunshine.
Wait, sunshine? It had been raining outside before…hadn't it?
Dear God, pay attention to the bigger picture here, Edward! The doors to the Colonel's office opened to a forest and you're worried about whether or not it had been raining?
Looking around in a thoroughly bewildered fashion, Edward said the only thing that came to mind:
"Hey…Black Hayate? I don't think we're in East City anymore…"
"Of course, we aren't," a mid-ranged male voice replied. "You're dreaming!"
For a moment, Edward only nodded, until he registered the fact that there was only one other being nearby that could have answered. He stared down at Black Hayate in a mixture of shock and horror.
"What?" the dog asked, looking back up at him curiously.
"GAH!!"
Edward jumped three feet back.
"You can talk??"
Edward didn't know how it was possible, but the dog actually cast him a sidelong look.
"Yes, I can. You're dreaming, remember?"
"I am?"
"Yeah. You fell off the stool and hit your head and now you're dreaming."
Edward reached back to touch the lump on his head again.
"Wow…I really clocked myself good, then, didn't I?"
"I'd say so."
For a moment, neither of them said anything.
"Well," Black Hayate said, standing up and starting forward. He stepped lightly out onto the yellow stone path. "We'd better get the plot moving. Come on."
"Where are we going?"
"Dunno. Just follow the yellow brick road."
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm walking into a giant running joke?" Edward asked as he followed the dog out, never noticing the two pale legs with the bright red Ouroboros tattoo on the outside of the left thigh sticking out from underneath the Colonel's office. The two legs shriveled up and curled, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Back up on the golden paved street, Edward and Black Hayate suddenly came across a small village whose front gate proudly labeled it "Chibiland". Quite a few tiny little people ran about, all barely coming up to Edward's knee. At the sight of the alchemist and the dog, the people began to run around and hide inside of their houses that barely came up to Edward's waist.
"Look, Ed!" Black Hayate laughed. "There are actually people shorter than you in this place!!"
"I AM NOT SHORT!!!"
"It's about time you got here, Edward," came a familiar female voice behind Edward. He stopped his rant and wheeled about, coming face to face with First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye. She was dressed in her military uniform with a rifle slung across her back and a pink wand in her right hand. She stood with her arms crossed and her face was businesslike as usual.
"Lieutenant? What are you doing here??"
Edward caught himself and put his hand to his forehead and shook his right hand back and forth in a dismissive gesture.
"Wait…forget that I asked that…"
"Edward, if you want to regain consciousness and get out of this crazy dream, then you need to go to the Emerald City to see the Wizard."
Edward blinked.
"Um…okaaaaay…and how do you know that?"
"Because I'm the Good Witch."
"…Riiiiight…"
"One thing I need to warn you about: look out for Wrath, the Wicked Witch of the West."
Edward immediately recalled the little Homunculus brat running around with his real arm and leg who constantly touted his eventual ownership of Edward's body.
"Oh, great…" he said, covering his face. "Could this day get any worse?"
"Well…in a way," she replied. "You see, when you dropped into this dream, the Colonel's office fell on Envy, the Wicked Witch of the East, and killed him…she…it…anyway, it killed Envy, and now Wrath wants revenge. And your body."
Edward shuddered.
"One more thing: in order to get through the Emerald Gate, you will need an item of extraordinary power…the Philosopher's Stone."
"Dear God, I have to search for the Philosopher's Stone in my dreams, too??"
"No, Edward. This is your dream, remember? You don't have to do any searching for anything. Besides, the author doesn't have enough patience to write in a search."
"Seriously?" Edward asked, looking over at the blue haired girl hunched over her laptop. The author looked up and nodded.
"Seriously," she said.
"Anyway," Riza said, holding out a hand. "Here. This is the Ruby Stone. Present this to the Gatekeeper and he will allow you entry into the City."
Edward picked up the Stone, wishing that there was someway he could hold onto it once he woke up from this dream.
"So now what?" he asked.
"Follow the Yellow Brick Road. It will lead you straight to the gates of the City. Don't wander off the path, no matter what, okay?"
"Or what? Will I be trapped in a coma forever?"
"No. It just could lead to possible subplots that the author has no time for."
"Ah."
"Now go. And watch out for the Wicked Witch of the West."
"Right, right."
With that, Edward and Black Hayate started along down the path, never noticing the flash of light behind them that signaled Riza's departure.
After a little while, the two found themselves at a fork in the road. No, not a literal fork, just a spot with two diverging pathways, and they had no idea which one to take.
"Okay," Edward said, looking down at Black Hayate. "Now what?"
"What do I look like, a compass?"
"I thought that dogs have an innate sense of direction."
"Well, you thought wrong."
"Oh, fantastic," Ed groaned, looking back and forth between the two paths. They looked exactly the same.
"So how are we supposed to know which way to go?"
"Well, some people like to go to the left," said a familiar voice. "Others like to go right. But both ways are nice!"
Edward's head shot up and looked around, but he couldn't see the speaker.
"Who said that?" he asked, spinning around.
"Me."
"Where are you?"
"Behind you."
Edward spun around, and there, hanging on a T shaped wooden pole, was Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc. He was dressed up like a scarecrow, complete with the straw sticking out of the ends of his sleeves and pants.
"Havoc?"
"Hi," Havoc answered, halfheartedly lifting a hand and waving.
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh, you know," the man said, shrugging as best he could while hanging by his shoulders from a post. "Just…hangin' around."
"Well, that's a no brainer, considering that you're a scarecrow. Speaking of which…why are you a scarecrow?"
"Not sure. But, hey…can you, uh, you know…get me down?"
"Oh…sure. Sorry."
Edward climbed over the fence between himself and Havoc and reached up behind the man's neck, grabbing at the collar of his shirt and lifting him up off the nail he was hanging from.
"Thanks."
"No problem. So, do you know how to get to the Emerald City?"
"Sure, it's this way."
The two started to head down the left path until Edward stopped short and looked around in a confused manner.
"What?" Havoc asked.
"Why do I have the urge to link arms with you and skip along down the road?"
Havoc blinked at him for a long moment, face expressionless.
"Um…let's not do that, okay?"
"Yeah…okay."
And thusly did the two walk down the road like normal people.
Suddenly, they found themselves at the edge of a deep, dark forest.
"This looks…ominous," Edward said.
"Oh, it's okay. It's probably just full of your run-of-the-mill lions, tigers, and bears," Black Hayate replied, which Havoc punctuated with a small "Oh my!" Edward nodded for a moment until he stopped to think about what the dog had said. He then turned to look down at him with a thoroughly perplexed expression on his face.
"Why are there tigers in a forest?" he asked, not understanding the logic. Black Hayate looked up at him.
"I don't know," the dog huffed. "I didn't write it!"
"Oh…"
Edward turned to look over at the author.
"Why are there tigers in a forest?" he repeated. She looked up from her laptop and glared.
"Don't question me!!" she said in an attitudinal manner. "Just keep walking!!"
"Okay…whatever," Edward answered, putting his hands up in a gesture of indifference. He started forward towards the woods, but started to shake his head.
"Tigers in a forest…" he muttered. Out of nowhere it seemed, a Random Blunt Object ™ came flying and beaned off of the young alchemist's head, knocking him straight to the ground and into a swirly-eyed daze.
"Shut up and walk!!" the author commanded, waving a fist. Immediately, Edward was on his feet and walking forward with no intention in mind other than to get out of this crazy dream as fast as possible.
A little ways into the forest, they ran across yet another familiar person.
"Brother, help!! I can't move!! I think I've rusted!!" cried Alphonse. The seven foot, armored fourteen year old stood frozen in what appeared to be a running position.
"Al, what are you doing here?"
"Well, I was trying to get out of the rain and I guess I got stuck!!"
At that moment, the fourteen year old saw Havoc.
"Lieutenant? Why are you dressed up as a scarecrow?"
"Dunno. I think we're all part of some sort of running joke."
A minute ticked by in silence as they all tried to figure out what was going on.
"Wait a sec!" Alphonse spoke up. "If Brother is the main character, and he has a dog and met a scarecrow…we must be reenacting the Wizard of Oz!!"
Comprehension blossomed like wildfire throughout the group and Ed nodded knowingly.
"We did watch that last night," he told his brother.
"But wait! If Brother is Dorothy, and Black Hayate is Toto…and the Lieutenant is the Scarecrow…and I'm frozen in place, then that means…"
Suddenly, Alphonse was straining against the hold of his rusted joints.
"Brother!! You made me the Tin Man???"
Edward backed up a step cautiously.
"Um…I guess so…"
"Why would you do that???"
"Well…he's a man made of tin…you're a suit of armor…it all adds up, you know?"
"But Brother!! The Tin Man doesn't have a heart!! Are you saying that I'm heartless???"
"Erk…uh…no! No! Well…I mean…technically you don't have a heart..."
"Brother!!!"
"But! But! You don't have any of your organs, so I'm not that far off the mark!! I'm not saying it's because you're a bad person!! It's just that…you don't have a physical heart!!"
"Brother, you're so mean!!"
"Shut up, Al! I can't be responsible for what my subconscious does!!"
"It's not my fault that I'm a suit of armor!!"
"Shut up!! I'll leave you there!"
"No, Brother!! Don't leave me!! I won't yell at you anymore, I promise!!"
Edward shook his head and put his hands on his hips.
"I'm not going to leave you here," he said, and then he looked around.
"Um, so here's the million dollar question," he said, golden eyes scanning the bushes. "How do we get him unstuck?"
"Isn't there supposed to be a conveniently placed oil can randomly lying about?" answered Black Hayate.
"Yeah, but…I don't see one."
For a few moments, all those who could move searched around the brush, but didn't find anything. Edward checked his pockets, but the only things there were his pocketwatch and the Ruby Stone. Finally, he shrugged.
"Guess we have no choice but do to do it our own way," he said with a slight sigh, pushing his sleeves up slightly and walking over to Alphonse. He brought both hands together swiftly and instantly the blue crackle of the alchemic energy swirled in between his hands. He reached over and touched his hands to Alphonse, engulfing him in a brilliant display of alchemy. A few seconds later, the light faded, and Alphonse was much as he had been, putting aside, of course, his ability to now move about.
"Alright," Edward said. "Let's get to the Emerald City so I can get out of this crazy place."
"Right!" everyone chorused, and off they went down the path again. However, only a few seconds later, they perceived a slight rustling in the bushes and paused, looking in that direction.
"Who's there?" Edward called, and suddenly, there was a startling burst of motion. The four jumped back in surprise, but then assumed positions of amusement as they took in the sight before them. Second Lieutenant Heymans Breda stood there wearing a lion costume with his eyes shut, and waved his fists frantically, making curious snorting and growling noises.
"P-hut 'em up, p-hut 'em up!" he said. "I'll fight ya with my eyes closed!! I'll fight ya with one paw behind my back!!"
Edward just shook his head.
"I think Breda wins the award for actually staying in character," he said, to which the others snickered. Breda stopped waving his fists and opened his eyes to grin.
"Thanks!" he said, and then he caught sight of Black Hayate.
"AAAAAAGH!!" he screamed, and then he leaped straight into Havoc's arms where he trembled and clung to the man. "D-D-DOG!!!"
Everyone rolled their eyes.
"Dude, seriously? Chill," the dog said, which only caused Breda to scream again and cling more tightly to Havoc.
"TALKING DOG!!" he shouted.
"Okay, Cowardly Lion," Ed told him. "Do what the dog says and chill."
Reluctantly, Breda got down out of Havoc's arms…okay, Havoc dropped him, but either way he ended up on his feet. He promptly hid behind Havoc as they all started forward together, walking in a cluster down the Yellow Brick Road, Black Hayate in the front, followed by Edward and Havoc, which Alphonse and Breda trailing along behind.
Lo and behold, the Gate to the Emerald City lay on the other side of the poppy field before them.
"Alright! We're almost home free!" Edward enthused, and he started forward quickly.
"Brother, wait!!" Alphonse warned, throwing a hand out. The other three followed Edward, and they dashed through the flowers haphazardly, knocking the blossoms around and throwing up powder left and right. Suddenly, Edward stopped and looked around dazedly.
"Hey…I feel kinda…sleepy…" he said, and then his legs gave out, sending him to the ground and into peaceful blackness. The same thing happened to Breda and Havoc, and even Black Hayate, and soon, Alphonse was the only conscious one left in the poppy field, lacking, as he did, a sense of smell. He rushed over to Edward's side and began to shake him.
"Brother! Brother! Wake up, Brother! Wake up!"
At that moment, there came an evil cackle from above. Alphonse looked up and saw Wrath, the Wicked Witch of the West circling above on a broomstick, looking for all the world like a vulture awaiting the death of a dehydrated animal.
"Stand aside, little Tin Man! That body is mine!" he crowed, getting ready to swoop in. Alphonse positioned himself protectively over Edward's form and prepared for a fight, when suddenly, there came a sharp snapping noise and flames shot out of nowhere, striking the bristles on the end of Wrath's broomstick. The homunculus cried out and headed for the safety of the air.
"I'll get that body!! And I'll kill the dog, too!!"
He flew out of sight, and that's when Alphonse turned his attention to the left. There stood Colonel Roy Mustang, clad in his military uniform and a gas mask, holding his right hand up by his face.
"Colonel!" he said happily.
"Get them all out of here, Alphonse," he said, voice echoing hollowly inside his gas mask. Alphonse did his best, sticking Black Hayate and his brother inside his armor while he picked up Havoc and Breda. He rushed to the outer edge of the poppy field, setting the two men down and pulling Edward and Black Hayate out, and then he waited to see what the Colonel would do.
The man, meanwhile began snapping wildly, setting the whole poppy field ablaze. He rushed to the edge of the poppy field as well, burning the path behind him, and then came up beside Alphonse. They waited, and soon, the four on the ground began to stir. Edward was first to open his eyes.
"Wha…what happened?"
"The poppies in that field carry toxic spores that make people sleepy. Over exposure to them leads to unconsciousness," Mustang explained, and the man turned to view his crackling handwork. "Only way to reverse the effect is the burn them."
Edward stared in horror up at the man.
"Aw man!! I can't even get away from you in my dreams??"
The Colonel pulled off his gas mask.
"Be glad that I was here, Fullmetal, otherwise your body would be in the possession of a certain crazed homunculus."
At that, Edward shuddered.
"Come on, we're not far from the Gate," he said, getting to his feet, but a cry of distress from Havoc turned them all about.
"HothothothotHOOOOOOOOT!!!" the man cried, hopping up and down and trying in vain to put the fire out on his foot.
"Oh, right…man made of straw…whoops," Roy said musingly.
"SOMEONE PUT ME OUT!!" Havoc carried on, waving his arms frantically.
"I got it!" Edward said, and he clapped his hands together, touching them to the ground where a large water pistol (more like water rifle) formed. He lifted the object, aimed it at Havoc's foot, and squirted, and in a few short minutes, the fire had been successfully quelled. Havoc sighed in relief, ignoring the acrid smoke rising from his foot.
"Thank you," he said gratefully, to which Edward nodded. Suddenly, that all too familiar cackle sounded again, and they all looked up to see Wrath on yet another broomstick circling around above their heads.
"I want your body!!" he shouted at Edward, dropping to the ground and posing to pounce.
"Oh, no!" Breda cried, clinging to Alphonse's side. "What will we do??"
"Ed, run!" Havoc shouted, while Roy readied himself for battle.
Edward, however, stepped forward, a cocky smirk painted across his face.
"Relax, guys, I've got this one in the bag."
As Wrath shot forward with a hungry snarl, Edward calmly pointed the water pistol at him and squirted. Instantly, the homunculus screeched and reeled back, swatting at the steady stream as smoke began to rise from his frame.
"I'm melting!!" he shrieked, and indeed, he slowly turned into a pile of goo. "Meeeeltiiiiiing!!!"
Soon, there was nothing left of him but a smoldering pile of goop.
"If only it were that easy in the real world," Edward sighed, throwing the water gun to the one side. "Come on, let's go."
They strode forward to the Gate.
Once there, Edward walked straight up to the portals and started banging on them.
"Open up!" he said. "I want out of this crazy dream!"
"Halt!" called a voice, one that was deep and over-the-top. "Who goes there??"
"Oh, no…" Edward groaned, and he looked up. There, peering out of the uppermost window on the side of the Gate tower, stood Major Alex Louis Armstrong. As soon as the man caught sight of Edward, sparkles appeared around him.
"Edward Elric! I am so happy you have come!!"
The man ripped his shirt off and jumped straight out of the window, landing on his feet with the grace of a cat.
"I am so moved!!" he spouted, and he crushed poor Edward against his overly muscled chest with all of his strength. The others looked on in pity and sympathy, but did nothing to help poor Ed, having no desire whatsoever to get within range of those crushing arms. Finally, Edward was released, and he fell to the ground in a swirly-eyed daze.
"Oh, I did not know if you would make it, what with that terrible fiend of a Witch!" Armstrong carried out, whipping out a handkerchief to wipe his eyes as the steady rivers of tears flooded out. "But, you proved triumphant, and I am so glad for that!! The beauty of the moment of your victory is enough to rival the beauty of this!!"
A spotlight suddenly appeared out of nowhere, allowing Armstrong to flex his muscles for a long, long moment. The others looked on in disgust until Edward sighed.
"That's great, Major, but we need to get into the City so that we can see the Wizard…whoever that may be."
"Of course I will grant you passage…on one condition!!" Armstrong trumpeted, striking another pose.
"Give you the Ruby Stone, right?"
"Correct!! So says the Gatekeeper's Handbook that has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!!"
Edward grimaced, but he pulled out the Stone and handed it to the big man. With a heartfelt salute, Armstrong turned and pulled a lever, causing the Gate to swing wide.
"You may pass!" he boomed happily. With a boyish grin, Edward ran through the Gate, heading for the freedom that waited on the other side. The others followed after him, and all of them headed straight for the green glowing castle a little ways down the road.
Once there, it didn't take very long for them to get inside and up to the main audience chamber.
"Wait here," said one of the numerous green clad servants milling about the castle. The group stood where they were, looking around curiously.
"Who do you think it is?" Alphonse asked, but Edward just shrugged.
"It could be anyone," he said.
"INDEED!!" boomed a loud voice, startling all of them. As they all moved into fighting positions, a pale, greenish face suddenly appeared in the air before them, glaring down unforgivingly.
"WHO DARE COMES HERE TO SEE ME?" it bellowed. Edward stepped forward.
"Me, that's who! Now, listen up, Wiz, 'cause I'm only going to say this once: I want out of this crazy dream, and I want out now! Understand?"
"IMPUDENT LITTLE FOOL!" bellowed the face (to which Edward responded with a violent "Little??"). "YOU SHALL NOT COME INTO MY HOME AND SPEAK TO ME IN SUCH A WAY! YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!"
Before the conversation could continue in this fashion, Black Hayate moved curiously towards the green curtain hanging to the left that had caught his interest. In a few moments, he gripped it in his sharp teeth and pulled it back, revealing Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes standing in a green suit while maneuvering a few switches and levers and talking into a tube of sorts.
"Hughes??" Edward balked, causing the man to freeze momentarily and look over his shoulder nervously.
"Ah, ahem," he stuttered for a moment. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!!"
Suddenly, he turned and leaped out towards Edward, grabbing him around the shoulders and shoving about fifteen photos in his face.
"Unless you want to see pictures of my darling Elysia!!" he enthused.
"Hughes, you're the Wizard?" Havoc asked.
"Yup! And for being so quick to figure that out, I'm going to award you all something that you need!"
He turned to fully face Havoc.
"Havoc, as the Scarecrow, you lack a brain. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about that."
Gloom settled over a shocked Havoc as Hughes turned to Breda.
"Breda, as the Cowardly Lion, you lack courage. I'm sorry, but if you want to cure your dog phobia, see a psychologist, not a Wizard."
Breda face-faulted and Hughes turned to Alphonse.
"Alphonse, as the Tin Man, you lack a heart. However, I have good news; there was nothing I could give you that you don't already have."
He smiled warmly up at Alphonse, and if Alphonse could have smiled, he certainly would have. Hughes turned to Roy.
"Sorry Roy; you lack nothing, but you need the most help. However, your problems are too numerous that I can't possibly solve them all."
Roy glared.
"How about I incinerate you? That will solve at least one of my problems…" he threatened. Hughes ignored him and turned to Edward.
"Edward, you want to get home."
"Yes," Edward answered.
"Then here is what you must do. You must click your heels together three times and repeat, 'There's no place like home' three times."
For a moment, no one spoke, and Edward just looked at Hughes incredulously.
"Are you serious?" he finally asked, indignant.
"Yes."
Edward crossed his arms and stared angrily at the man.
"That's not going to happen."
"You have to do it."
"No. Way."
"Aww, come on! It'll be fun!"
"No."
Hughes sighed.
"Well, fine…if you want to do it the boring way…"
"Boring is far more desirable."
"Fine, fine."
Hughes sighed again and put his hands on his hips.
"If you use alchemy, you can open a hole and get back to consciousness."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"…you're positive?"
"Yes."
"…you're not lying to me?"
"No, Edward. Can't you sense it? You're very close to consciousness."
In the back of his mind, Edward did feel something beginning to stir within him. Hughes moved aside and with a theatrical sweep of his arms, gestured towards the wall behind him.
"Go for it," he said. Without hesitation, Edward raced forward, clapping his hands together and touching them to the wall. A black hole opened under his hands, seeming to lead to nowhere, but he was willing to take his chances. He jumped in headfirst, getting lost in the swirl of darkness.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
"Fullmetal, can you hear me? Wake up."
"Hey! Ed! Wake up!"
Edward scrunched his face up as he struggled to open eyes that didn't want to open.
"Hey, I think he's coming around!"
"Ed? Can you hear us?"
After a minute or two, Edward finally managed to open his eyes. He found himself laying flat on his back on the floor of Colonel Mustang's office with Havoc, Alphonse, Breda, Riza, and Roy all standing around him.
"Brother? Are you alright?"
Edward groaned and moved to sit up. Instantly, Alphonse was helping him, and Edward reached back, wincing as his hand came into contact with the lump on the back of his head.
"Ouch…this is reality, right?"
For a moment, everyone just looked at him until Riza nodded.
"Yes, this is reality."
"Oh…I just had the weirdest dream. And…you were all there…even the dog…and the dog could talk."
The others blinked at one another confusedly, until Mustang looked back down at Edward.
"Fullmetal…what were you doing in here? And why were you standing on a stool?"
Edward froze, trying to figure out the best solution to get out of the situation, and he found it.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, looking thoroughly bewildered. "What stool?"
"Fullmetal…"
Edward looked around wide eyed, perfecting his 'I'm-a-victim-of-amnesia-pity-me' look.
"What…what am I doing in your office??"
Roy rolled his eyes.
"Please! You expect me to believe—?!"
"Move, Colonel. We've got to get him to infirmary," interrupted Riza. She, Havoc, and Alphonse were busy pulling Edward to his feet.
"Hawkeye, surely you don't think—?!"
"It doesn't matter what I think at this time, sir, but he's clearly injured and needs attention."
On the way past, Edward flashed Mustang a kitty grin that confirmed his beliefs and put him further into the dark on the whole matter at once. In a few short seconds, the room was empty save Mustang.
"Hold on!" he called, following after to stand in the hallway and shout. "Fullmetal!! You've got a lot of explaining to do!"
He ran down the hall, and they all lived…relatively happily ever after.
THE END
NOT REALLY.
NEXT TIME ON "FRACTURED FAIRYTALES, FMA STYLE":
The Three Little Pigs…Sort Of