DISCLAIMER: Carnivale and its canon characters are the property of HBO and the show's producers; no copyright infringement is intended.
x
x
x
He felt a hand gently stroking his forehead. And then, still on his forehead, a soft kiss.
Mmm.
Someone tucked a blanket around him.
Ruthie...
Groggily, Ben Hawkins realized he'd just awakened.
God, I did it again. Fell asleep. But no harm done, no nightmares. I woke up in time.
That was rare. Lately, Ben couldn't catch even a few minutes' sleep without being tortured by terrifying dreams. By now he sought to avoid sleep at all costs, despite the toll it was taking on him. He staggered bleary-eyed through the days, spent his nights in as much discomfort as possible in hopes of keeping himself awake.
Now he was struck by another, horrifying realization.
I collapsed an' crawled under somethin'. I wasn't in Ruthie's trailer!
Had Gabriel picked him up and carried him there again? He wanted to believe that was the explanation, but something told him it wasn't.
His eyes flew open - in pitch darkness - and he tried frantically to sit up. Is this real? Is there a guy here tryin' to make love to me, or am I really still asleep? Some of his worst nightmares had included false awakenings.
"Careful!" It was indeed a man's voice. An arm was flung across his chest and the hand gripped his shoulder, pushing him down. "Remember where you are, on the ground under a truck - don't hit your head!"
He got the point and stopped struggling. The other man said sorrowfully, "I didn't mean to wake you. That's the last thing I wanted."
Ben knew the voice but couldn't place it. "Why were you kissin' me? Let go o' me!"
Arm and hand were withdrawn at once. Ben realized the man was lying on his side next to him, no more able to sit up in these tight quarters than he was. "I'm not trying to molest you, Ben. Sorry about the kiss. It's me, Hack Scudder. I'm your father - you know that, don't you?"
"Scudder? Leave me alone, dammit! Get outta my head!"
"I'm not in your head," Scudder said quietly, "any more than Ruthie would be if you were in her trailer."
Ben pondered that. The hand on his shoulder had felt real...just as real as on the previous occasion when Scudder had touched him, to keep him from taking his own life.
But that time, after he told me I couldn't save Ruthie by sacrificin' myself, he vanished into thin air.
So while Hack might not be in his head, he probably wasn't as corporeal as Ruthie, either.
Ben said curtly, "I don't want a father. I ain't never needed no father."
Even as he said it, he knew it was a lie.
Scudder didn't answer immediately. When he did, Ben could hear the pain in his voice. "I don't blame you for wanting nothing to do with me, Ben. I'm sorry about all you've gone through. Most of it was my fault. I have so many regrets, about so many things, that I couldn't begin to explain. But you do understand now that I've never wanted to hurt you - don't you?"
Ben remembered the hand gently closing his neck wound. Remembered the kiss, the careful tucking of that blanket.
Reluctantly, he said, "Yeah."
"And...you know what tonight is?"
He'd been so exhausted that the day had passed in a blur. He thought hard, trying to remember what the other rousties had been talking about. At last he came up with it: "Christmas Eve."
Christmas Eve in a mild climate, but chilly enough that he knew he should be grateful for the blanket.
"That's why I'm here," Scudder explained. "This may sound stupid, after all I've done to you...but I wanted to give you a Christmas present. It's not much, but it's all I can give."
Ben was dumbstruck. No one had ever given him a Christmas present.
His mother certainly hadn't.
When he found his voice, he said shakily, "Th-the blanket? I can keep it? It's a help, I'll be much more comfortable." But what I really want is to be uncomfortable, so I'll stay awake. "Thank you. I mean that."
"No, Ben, no! Good Lord - of course I intended for you to keep the blanket, but that's not your present. I didn't think of the blanket as - as much of anything."
"Oh," Ben murmured.
"What I want to give you, if you'll let me...like I said, I'm sorry it can't be more..." For a moment Scudder seemed choked up. But he cleared his throat and continued. "I'd like to give you, I was trying to give you...a peaceful night's sleep."
"A...a..." Ben couldn't believe what he was hearing. He whispered, "That's what I want most in the world!"
"I can only promise one night. I don't send all the bad dreams. When I do, it's because I have to. Sometimes I have to try to tell you something, and there's no other way. But like I said, it's not always me -"
"One night. One night when I could rest would do me so much good! I'd be able to think straight again, at least for a while...oh yes, please, please!"
"All right." Somehow, even in the dark, Ben knew Scudder was smiling - but also, that there were tears in his eyes. "Just relax. I'll have to stay here. I won't barge into your dreams, but I have to be here to make sure no one else does. And since you woke up and we're talking about it, there's something I wouldn't have done without your consent. If you like, I'll 'tamper' just enough to make sure you don't have nightmares of any kind, even natural ones."
Ben was trembling with anticipation. "Y-yes. Please do. An' thank you, thank you!"
"All right. Now be quiet, close your eyes and go back to sleep. Good night, son."
"Good night."
x
x
x
Of course, when Ben wanted sleep, it refused to come. He was too excited. Is this how little kids are supposed to feel on Christmas Eve?
His father must have known Ben was still awake as they lay there in the dark, because he began humming a Christmas carol. Ben tried to join in. But he was so weary, humming required a surprising amount of effort...he decided he'd just lie still and listen.
Within five minutes he'd drifted off, to the strains of "Silent Night."
Slee-eep in heavenly peace...
x
x
x
Ben woke with a start. Wh...what a dream! If I have to dream about Hack Scudder, I wish more dreams could be like that one.
But then he realized he hadn't felt this rested and refreshed in years. Maybe in his entire life.
It...it...wasn't a dream.
He was still tucked in, and it was still pitch dark. He threw the blanket off and began groping. "Pa? Pa! Are you still here?"
He heard a soft gasp. Then Scudder's voice said anxiously, "I'm here, Ben. What's wrong? I was sure I'd be able to block any bad dreams!"
"Oh, you did." Ben found the other man's hand and clutched it briefly before letting go. "There ain't nothin' wrong. Sorry I scared you. I had a great rest, like you intended - guess I just woke up early."
"Kids. On Christmas morning." Ben could imagine the wry smile on Scudder's face. "But there won't be any more goodies, so I suggest you go back to sleep."
"All right. But -" Ben hesitated, then blurted out, "I think I woke up 'cuz I forgot to say somethin'. I'm sorry I ain't got no Christmas present for you."
There was a moment's silence. Then Scudder said huskily, "Ben, you've given me the best present I've ever received. Something I've never dared even to dream of."
"I don't understand -"
"You called me 'Pa.' "
x
x
x
The End