The cold night air was almost painful as she walked through the nearly empty park. The eyes of those she passed, all of whom were clearly on their way to the heated, sheltered establishments nearby, stared at her curiously as if they thought she might be lost or crazy or maybe both. No one in their right mind would choose to be out in this weather. Except she had – given the alternative. Tonight was supposed to be a romantic prelude to an even better evening but Nick had made other choices.

She reached for his hand across the table, the champagne still chilling and corked in the center of the table. "Nick," she protested, "It's Valentine's Day. I know you're worried about your mom, but we said tonight it was going to be about us and that we were gonna put all this stuff aside for one night so that we could just …"

"My mother could be spending the night in a jail cell, Phyllis. I can't just put that aside. I know what I said. I know what we agreed, but that was before I knew how serious all this was. That was before I knew that they were actually planning on holding her there. The woman has MS for God's sake. Who knows what this might do to her?"

Phyllis drew in a breath, well aware that her immediate emotional default response would fall on deaf ears with him. "I get it, Nick. I do, but Nikki knew what she was doing. She made the choice to confess and whatever happens now is …" She stopped, seeing the look of annoyance creep across his face.

"If you're going to say that she deserves what's happening to her or …"

"That's not what I said." She leaned in closer across the table and lowered her voice. "But you and I both know that Nikki didn't say anything that wasn't actually true. She is the one that actually …"

Nick stood up, looking around the GCAC before flashing an angry look at her. "Could you not? This is my mother's freedom we're talking about. I'd rather you not tell everyone in the restaurant about …"

Phyllis stood to her feet as well. "Believe me Nick. I'm not any more excited to talk about that night than you are. I have plenty of reason to wish Nikki had kept her mouth shut, but since she didn't, you'll forgive me if I'm not exactly sorry that she's the one taking the brunt of the fall. If she would have just stuck to the plan and not said anything then we would all have been fine and then she wouldn't be looking at jail and the rest of us wouldn't be walking on eggshells wondering if this might be the last holiday any of us spend on the outsi…" Her voice cracked a bit and she saw a flash of understanding in his eyes.

His shoulders rose and fell with a giant sigh as he reached out to touch her. "I'm sorry. I am. I didn't mean to take all this out on you. I know you're worried. I am too. It's just my mom isn't as strong as you are. She doesn't have the same fierceness inside her that you do and she needs me right now … more than you do. So I feel like I have to …"

She nodded. It was inevitable. It always was. In a choice between the Newman family and her, she would always lose. "It's fine," she said softly as she took a seat back at the table. "Go ahead. You're right. Nikki does need you."

He leaned in and kissed her cheek softly. "I'll make it up to you later. I promise."

She nodded again as she watched him disappear from the restaurant. The sounds of the romantic music, the smell of the fresh cut flowers, and the sight of the couples on the dance floor all seemed to mock her as she sat at the small corner table all alone. It wasn't the night she'd hoped for, but it should have been what she expected.

The pain of the wind as it hit her face was hardly pleasant, but it was better than the feeling of being alone in the room when surrounded by people. She could see the joy in all the faces of the couples who were so happy and so in love. She knew that love. She remembered it well, but it had been far too long since she'd been that kind of happy – the kind of happy when everyone and everything else just faded into the background. She missed it. She missed …

"Oompf"

"Sorry. I'm so sorry." He looked up quickly, his eyes flashing an apology. "I wasn't watching where I was …" The words caught in his throat. "Phyllis," he breathed. "I …"

"It's okay." Her breath formed a billow of smoke in front of her as she flashed an almost involuntary smile. It was as if the universe had read her thoughts and had conjured him up to be there, a physical reminder of the last real moment of her happiness. "I wasn't really focusing on where I was going either. Guess we're both to blame for this one."

He shook his head. "At least we can agree on that."

She laughed, knowing the meaning behind his words. "Yeah," she sighed. "I guess that's a small miracle considering the way things have been going for us lately." She looked down at the helmet he carried beneath his arm. "You out for a ride on a night like tonight? No special plans with Victoria?" It pained her to ask and yet she still had to. Somehow she needed to know, something akin to masochism she supposed.

His saddened smile played across his face as he looked at her. "What is that say? If you want to see God laugh …"

"Show him your plans," she finished the sentence. "Yeah, something like that. If it makes you feel any better, my plans didn't go very well tonight either. Nick had to go check on Nikki. Another Newman family crisis."

"Count me in as another casualty then." He returned her smile with a melancholy tone in his voice. "I don't know though. Sometimes I wonder if it's an excuse. If all the Newman family togetherness, the need to be there for each other all the time … if maybe it's an excuse to not be with me or if it's more than that … if it's some kind of sign, some kind of greater being trying to tell me that for the hundredth time, it's just not meant to be."

"Listen to you," she said softly, "sounding like some new age guru."

"Gee thanks," he muttered. "You know how to make a guy want to open up." He kicked at a patch of ice that was beginning to form on the ground. "I don't know," he scoffed. "It's just … it's frustrating. That's all."

"I know," she sighed. "I was hoping tonight was gonna be a nice moment for me and Nick too and instead it turned into yet another living, breathing example that when push comes to shove, I'll always be second place to the great Newman dynasty. I'll never be a part of that – no matter what. I wasn't a part of it when I was married to him and I never will be."

He could see the hurt in her eyes as she spoke. "That's night right," he said quietly. "He shouldn't do that to you. You've always been loyal to him. Even when you and I were together, you were always willing to do whatever it took to help him. He doesn't realize how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life."

"Well." She looked away. "What about Victoria, huh? You've jumped through how many hoops to try to satisfy her and she flaked on you on the most romantic day of the year? I'm sure you had something perfect planned tonight. What was it? Candlelight dinner? The symphony? Trip to New York?"

"I knew she wouldn't be up for doing anything too much with Nikki being questioned so I just made reservations at this really fancy schmancy French restaurant that she likes. It cost me a small fortune to pay off the maître d. Normally they book out months in advance, but I was able to swing a corner table for the right price. Guess they're gonna have an empty spot tonight."

A gust of bitter wind swept through the park and he watched as she pulled her thin coat tighter around her small frame. "It's freezing out here." He peeled his heavy coat off and draped it around her shoulders before unwrapping his scarf from his neck and placing that across her exposed collar bone. "Where are you headed?"

She couldn't help but take a deeper breath and let the smell of his cologne fill her lungs. It was her favorite scent that he wore – a perfect mix of elegant romance and ruggedness– Billy Abbott in a bottle. "I don't know," she admitted. "Nick and I went to the GCAC to have dinner and he left so I was gonna just call a car, but I couldn't sit there and watch all those couples just …"

"Right." He understood that instinct. "That make sense, but maybe freezing to death out here isn't the best way to protest the holiday?"

"I guess some might say it's extreme."

"I know you're not exactly dressed for it, but I can give you a ride somewhere if you want. You always did say it helped to clear your mind. In this weather it'll probably clear anything else too." He flashed the disarming grin she loved as he held the helmet out towards her. "What do you say?"

"You must be freezing." She managed the words through chattering teeth as she walked through the door he held open for her. "My entire body is numb and I'm wearing a lot more clothes than you are." She smiled warmly at him as he pulled out the chair for her at the small table. "Thanks to you."

"I'm good," he said quickly as he took his own seat. The feeling of her body pressed up tight against him had been more than enough to keep him warm as he'd driven down the darkened back roads. She'd leaned in even closer when she'd noticed they weren't headed towards her place and he'd nodded towards her saying only, "Trust me," and smiling back at her.

When they'd arrived at the small building far off the beaten path, she'd hesitated on the seat for a moment before raising her eyebrows at him and smiling.

"I'm assuming you know something I don't."

"I know you have a certain fondness for greasy burgers and fries and this place just happens to have the best burgers and fries you can get in about a 100 mile radius. I figured we might a safe bet to get a table here on Valentine's Day too."

"You think?" She smiled as she slowly took his hand and let him help her off the bike. "Does this place have a rating at all? Has the health inspector seen it? Does the health inspector know it's here?"

"Do you trust me?" The giant grin on his face faded somewhat as the levity in the moment seemed to dissipate a bit. "Not that you really have a reason to," he said sadly. "I mean, I know I've done things and you have every reason to think that I would …"

"I do." She answered before he could finish, the answer a surprise to even her. "I do trust you – especially when it comes to burgers and fries."

And now here they sat, across from each other in a place that could only be described as the definition of a dive bar. Their only company in the small joint was a couple of older men who appeared to be either too drunk or too miserable to have even noticed their presence and an older waitress who doubled as a bartender. She sauntered to the table and flashed a smile.

"You two lost?" she asked warmly. Her tone instantly changed as Billy looked up at her. "Well, look here." Her entire face seemed to light up as she recognized him. "I haven't seen you in a while. How are things?" She flashed a knowing smile at him after glancing in Phyllis' direction.

"I've been busy," Billy answered. "Too busy. And you're right. It has too long. I've missed you, Margie."

"You've missed the burgers," she grinned. "But I sure have missed you." She leaned in towards him. "You're a way better tipper than the rest of these tightwads."

"I have to be for my favorite waitress and counselor," he grinned. He looked across the table at Phyllis who had been watching the conversation with rapt attention. "Margie here is a great waitress but her true calling is a therapist."

"Right." She laughed heartily. "I watch a lot of those daytime talk shows. You can learn a lot from those people and the fools that come in and out of this place, well they tell you a lot about what not to do. Add the two things together and you've got the basic rule book all laid out." She turned her attention to Billy. "I'm guessing since you're got this pretty thing with you that it all worked out for you. Didn't I tell you? All you needed to do was to be honest with her and tell her how sorry you were for all of it."

"What can I say, Margie? You were right. You always are. I should just listen to you and stop wasting time."

"Amen to that." She pulled the pen from behind her ear. "So what can I get you and your lady love here?"

"You're the expert," Phyllis smiled, leaning back in the chair and waving her hand across the menu. "I will gladly defer to you on this one."

"The usual, Margie. For both of us."

"Coming right up," she grinned. "And, by the way," She turned to look at Phyllis, "This one was one miserable little puppy without you. I've seen him in a pretty bad way about a lot of things, but losing you. I thought that was gonna be the end of him. It's good to see him smiling again."

She opened her mouth to speak but Margie was gone before she could. "Sorry," she whispered to Billy as she reached for soda the woman had brought them. "I was going to correct her, but…" She took a drink from the glass before continuing. "I know she probably thinks I'm Victoria so …"

"No she doesn't." There had been nagging thoughts in his mind for months, moments where he'd wondered if being with Victoria was merely acting out of habit, a way of attempting to salvage what he viewed as the responsible, judicious choice. Phyllis was the one he'd come to know and love through betrayal of his brother, as a result of an affair. Their relationship was one that many people would never understand and some, even now, would never completely accept, and still she remained in his thoughts. She was the woman all others were compared to and against whom all others never fared well.

If he'd thought the universe, a higher power, a greater good had been sending him messages about his ill fated relationships before, he became even more certain tonight. Running into her in the park was the strangest sort of gift. In her eyes, he saw the same questions he had, the same longing for comfort and peace they'd both found in each other's arms.

"I came here a lot," he admitted quietly, "Especially after everything that happened with …" He didn't even want to say it as if bringing it up might bring up all the feelings, all the anger, all the ugliness he knew he'd caused. "I didn't know what to do. I knew how much I'd messed up. I know that I'd done something completely unforgivable, but it was done and I had no idea what to do to make it better or if there was any way that I could ever even begin to explain how sorry I was for even allowing it to get that far."

"That's a start," she managed. "I know you're sorry. I know that you would take it back if you could, but you can't and …"

"I know. I know I can't take it back, but I need you to understand that if I could. God, Phyllis, if I could go back and do that night again. If I just go back and talk to myself and give myself a moment to think about everything I was throwing away, to think about everyone I was going to hurt, I would never, ever, not in a million years …"

"I know," she whispered. "I've done things before that I wish I could back, but that's not the way life works."

"So what do you do? I mean once you've done something like that? How do you go on? Are you just damned forever or can you move past it? Is there some way that you can move beyond the horrible thing and find some sort of forgiveness?" He paused a moment as he watched her contemplate his words. "You don't seem as angry at me anymore and sometimes it's almost like we could maybe …. I don't know."

"I don't feel that anger anymore. I don't know why, but I just don't. And I don't hate you, Billy. If that's what you think, I don't. In fact, I never did. That would have been a hell of a lot easier. That's what made it hurt so much. The fact that I loved you so damn much, the fact that I never stopped loving you and that you did something so …."

His eyes closed as he heard the crack of her voice. "I don't know what to say," he managed. "If there was anything that I could say, anything I could do, I would. I know that this probably doesn't help, but I did what I did because I was so hurt. You were everything to me. My entire life was falling apart but that was okay because I had you. You were the one tiny bit of light that I knew would always be there no matter how dark things got and then suddenly that light was gone. And I was angry and hurt and then there was more anger and the only thing that seemed to make sense was to try to make other people as angry and hurt as I was. I know it was wrong and I know it was destructive, but I'm all those things and I think maybe you can understand that because …"

"Because I can be too," she answered.

"But I'm not when I'm with you." His eyes were as sincere and honest as she'd ever seen them. "When I'm with you, I don't feel those things. I don't need to be destructive and I don't need to try to protect myself because you let me be myself. I don't have to keep my guard up. I don't have to worry about saying the right thing or doing the right thing or being the right version of myself with you. It's not about pretending or acting or trying. It's just about living and loving and I miss that. I miss us and I miss being able to just look into your eyes and …" He shook his head. "And I know, okay. I know that you're with Nick and …"

"Nick and I are … It's complicated. We just … If you and I were …" She stopped.

"What?" He sensed her hesitation. "Go ahead. Say it."

"I don't know. I don't really know what I was going to say."

"Yes you do." He met her eyes and refused to look away, the depth of their connection once again being felt. "You know exactly what you were going to say. You feel it just as much as I do."

"If you were together – if none of this had ever happened, Nick and I wouldn't be together at all. It's not that I don't care about Nick. I do. It's just that my heart is still …" She saw the flash of hope in his eyes and it melted all the reluctance she'd been holding onto. "My heart is still with you."

His hand reached across the table, touching hers and holding it tightly in his.

"But," she began.

"No buts," he said, his mind reeling as he considered the idea that she might be reconsidering. "That's all that matters. Nothing else matters."

"Yes it does," she repeated. "It does matter. You and Victoria. That matters. You're trying to make that work and I can't be in the middle of that. Things are happening and you don't even know about it all and …"

"So tell me," he said softly. "Tell me anything. Tell me everything and I promise you, I'll be right, right here next to you. No matter what." He held her hand tighter as he leaned in closer over the table, his eyes never leaving hers. "You will always come first with me – you and my kids. I love my family. I love my job, but there's no question about my priorities. You and my children are my family. You're the thing that matters most to me. I made you that promise in the very beginning? You remember? I told you that if you'd say yes to me that you'd be everything to me. I meant it then and I mean it now. No matter what you tell me. No matter how bad it is. No matter what you say. No matter what you do. I am always on your side. So I guess now, the only thing that really matters is what your answer is … Can you take another chance on me? On us?"

It wasn't the Valentine's Day she'd hoped for. It wasn't the Valentine's Day she'd expected. It was a better Valentine's Day than she'd even allowed herself to dream of. The kiss was better than any they'd ever shared, not because of where it was or how it happened. Not because of what they did or even how long it lasted but because of what it meant and what they had endured to arrive at this moment, together again.

The End