Author's note: all usual disclaimers apply.

Tommy Lynley drove as fast as he deemed would be safe from the radar guns of pimply faced officers out to impress their station bosses. Nanrunnel to London was a long drive by British standards but he was now past Bristol and could relax slightly on the larger motorways. Every few miles he thumped his steering wheel and cursed his cowardice and stupidity.

He drove straight to the pub where his newly promoted sergeant, Winston Nkata, had asked him to meet him. Parking was scarce so he pulled his Police sign from his glovebox and parked in a Loading Zone. Technically he was still in the force but this was certainly not a police investigation.

Winston looked dour. He refused to shake Lynley's hand and greeted him with a undertone of bitter sarcasm. "Inspector."

"Winston, thank you for meeting me."

Nkata led him to a quiet table at the rear. Stuart Lafferty, the police pathologist, glared up at him as Tommy sat down. "We met here, publicly, because Winston knew I would punch your sorry lights out if we met anywhere else. Even the sight of you sickens me."

Tommy had not expected Stuart to be there and he had certainly not anticipated the vitriol but he could understand it, especially if Barbara had told them about that night. "I understand Stuart. Every time I see myself in the mirror I want to punch myself. Point is do you know anything?"

"Only the basics. She waited for you. She told me she was giving you two weeks to ring or come back. She never said what happened but she was a different person. She just waited."

"She never said anything about leaving?" Tommy could not believe Barbara would just disappear.

"Nothing. She waited another week without mentioning you or how she was feeling. Then on Friday afternoon she went to Hillier and resigned. She has several weeks of holidays owing apparently so she handed in her warrant card and her phone, took four weeks leave to cover her notice period and left."

Tommy ran his fingers through his hair then downed half of the pint Winston had bought him. "And she said nothing to either of you? No clues at all?"

"Not a thing," Winston said, "I knew she wasn't herself so on Monday I thought she had taken a few days off to get her head together. Then yesterday Hillier told us she had resigned with immediate effect. Of course I knew it was your fault because of the way she had waited for you. At first I thought maybe you had come back; swept her off her feet and run away together or something. I went round to her house but she wasn't there. The neighbour said she moved out on the weekend and it's up for lease. That's when I thought she must be moving in with you so I went there. That butler of yours was very polite but quite confused. I knew he wasn't lying, especially when I pulled my warrant card and threatened to arrest him for obstructing the police."

"No wonder Denton was frantic when he rang Mother."

Stuart looked at him. "So where is she?"

"I have no idea. I have tried to ring her but her voicemail is full and if she has given in her phone she won't receive them."

Stuart snorted angrily. "Barbara's whole life was her career and you! The only real friends she has in the world are all around this table and we have no idea where she is or if she's still alive."

"Still alive?" Tommy had not even considered the possibility of her killing herself but he could understand if she did. He had wanted to, many times, but she was braver and capable. "Oh Stuart, no!"

"All because you broke her heart by leaving."

"I...I didn't mean to," Tommy stammered, "I had no idea she'd react so...intensely."

Stuart's antagonism was palpable. "Even now you expect her to just be waiting for you to sort yourself out. Good old Havers, she'll always be there to take whatever you dish out. Well this time it seems she's had enough."

"What did she tell you?" Tommy asked them, fearing that they knew about that night.

Winston looked up from his beer. "Nothing really but I presume it must have been one hell of a fight. All she said was that she had been wrong to believe in you."

Tommy groaned loudly. "She can believe in me. I was the one who couldn't."

"Really? She told me she had wasted ten years holding onto a lie," Stuart added, "it made no sense but when I pressed her all she said was that at the time you most needed to tell her the truth you had lied to her and used her. I've never seen such pain in her eyes. They looked lifeless; like my cadavers. She looked like she had absolutely no reason to live."

Tommy ran his hands through his hair and groaned. "She had me. She's always had me."

"Evidently not," Stuart said shaking his head. "I would never have thought it of Barbara but look at facts. You both go to that swanky police dinner. She looked radiant on your arm. She had taken a lot of trouble to dress up and be a suitable escort for you. The way you looked at her I thought you finally had seen Barbara the woman but then you have a fight. You run off with your tail between your legs and can't even ring her. She waits for you to do something then realises you have no intention of it so she takes leave, sells her car and rents her flat out. Where's she gonna go? London is all she knows."

"She sold her car too?" This was more complicated than he thought.

"Yes and filed her tax return," Winston added. "I shouldn't have but I ran a check on her credit card today. She's paid it in full and not spent anything else. So I checked her bank account - no activity since Wednesday when she took out everything but one hundred pounds from a branch in Camden. She probably knows we'd check eventually."

Tommy started to shake. "Oh good god!"

Winston continued to outline his checks. "There's been no activity on her passport. I've got it flagged to alert me. Wherever she is she's still here in mainland Britain."

"If she's hurt herself," Stuart hissed, "your brother had better be ready to become Ninth Earl because I will kill you."

"I'll save you the trouble," he replied. Once Denton had informed him this morning that she was missing Tommy had rung everyone he could think of in an attempt to find her. He knew it was his fault. He should never have left her like that but how could he possibly have explained all the emotions raging inside him?

Winston put his hands up between them. "That won't help. We need to find her. Chances are if she intended to harm herself we're too late but if she has just disappeared then the Inspector is the only one who can find her."

"I rang Fiona Knight but she hadn't heard from her," Lynley said soberly. "I stopped at the Aikido Dojo as I drove here but they denied she was there. I'll drive down to the coast to the caravan park tomorrow then up to Balford-le-nez. After that I am out of ideas. If she's left me she won't go anywhere I will be able to find her."

"What if she hasn't left you?" Winston pondered, "what if this is your last chance? What if she's testing your loyalty once and for all?"

"No," Tommy shook his head, "not after what I did to her."

"Did to her?"

Tommy sighed; the truth would come out eventually. "We didn't fight that night but I hurt her badly."

Winston and Stuart stared at him. "Physically?"

"No! I'd never do that Winston. Never!"

"And whatever you said was that bad she left?"

He nodded. "I couldn't handle the situation. I made a mess of everything, ruined our friendship then I just left." Tommy could not look at them.

"Jaysus, Mary and Joseph! What on God's earth did you say? Did you speak to her before you went to Cornwall?"

Tommy shook his head. "It's complicated Stuart. You couldn't understand unless you had been... I thought Barbara and I...it doesn't matter. I went that morning. I never spoke to her again."

Stuart threw his glass into the fireplace. It shattered into thousands of sharp shards that ricocheted around their feet. "Find her!," he roared at Tommy. "Fix it or let her cut off your balls and shove them down your throat until you choke!"

"Stuart!" Winston warned.

Lafferty stood and grabbed Tommy's jacket. "Oh, I forgot, after everything's she's done for you, you can't do either because you've been so wrapped up in yourself that you haven't got any idea where she's gone and you haven't got any balls!" Stuart shoved him roughly against the back of his chair then walked angrily out of the pub.

Winston looked at Tommy with undisguised hatred. He knew he had lost the last shreds of Nkata's respect. "How could you Sir? She would have forgiven anything if you'd talked to her. She always understood you even when everyone else thought you'd gone mad. You should have come back or rung her. She must hate you now to have left like this. That'll be what will kill her. I don't think she can live with hating you, not after all your cases together, everything you've endured by each other's side."

"It wasn't like that Winston. It wasn't like that at all."

"Well if it smells like a fish..."

"I love her!"

"Yeah? We all thought you did. We thought that for years but you have a funny way of showing it then but you're telling the wrong person. Find her Sir or it'll destroy you too."

When Tommy looked up he was alone. He drove to his house and packed a small bag of essentials then showered and changed. It was only ten o'clock so he made a list of people to ring the following morning. If Barbara was hiding from him then she might have accomplices. He made a decision to drive via Fiona's house just in case. If she had confided her plans to anyone it would probably have been her."

He remembered he had promised to ring his mother. He glanced at his watch then poured a large scotch before dialling. "Hello Mother, it's me."

"Any news about Barbara?"

"Nothing substantial." Tommy outlined all he knew omitting his possible role in it.

"Tommy, it's none of my business but when you came here I knew something serious had happened. When you didn't hear from her or ring her I gathered Barbara was at the centre of it all. Now I know I was right. You two were so close. What happened?"

Tommy groaned but he needed to tell someone. "It's all my fault." He confessed everything to her. "So you see, I think she hates me."

"Oh Tommy, how could you? To Barbara of all people. You have to find her Son, for your own sanity as much as for hers."