How I feel
"Fuck me…" I said at my computer screen. She isn't on. She isn't on… I growled and walked away from the computer. This isn't me. This ISN'T me. I am not the type of person to sit in front of a computer screen and hope and pray for someone to come talk to me.
I'm thrown back to high school. I wanted her to be my friend; I waited for her to speak first; I wanted her to notice me. She noticed me, sure but in all the wrong ways. It was never the way I wanted her to see me.
I paced the room. I was addicted to talking to someone that I could barely stand being in the presence of in person once. Now we talked constantly all day, every day. But right now, Tori Vega was unavailable to me, and it wasn't like before, where I could just go to her house or text her phone… I didn't even have her number anymore.
I heard a chime on my computer and I turned to face it. It was her… and my heart fluttered. I hadn't felt that way for anything or anyone in a long time. Not since… Beck. I sat in front of the screen and talked my self into not saying hello first. "Come on, Tori, see me." I whispered.
The screen lit up. "Hey Jade!" I smiled as a wave of happy relief flooded over me. It was warm and radiating and I knew instantly I was in love with Tori Vega.
"Fuck…" I said to myself and closed the laptop and walked away. It was fruitless because I really can't stay away. I know I can't… because I am addicted and I did not get my Tori fix. I rushed back to my computer and opened it up. "Sorry my internet is acting up."
"Hey… I'm gonna head off to bed soon Jade, just wanted to say hi."
"Where have you been all day?" I asked devastated that I wasn't going to talk more to her.
"Oh… My Thesis is killing me." She answered. Of course. Being a Rhode Scholar is not easy. Oxford… Tori went to Oxford. I know I left to New York right after high school, but Oxford is a whole continent away. She is getting a doctorate in Humanities, and is gonna come back to the states this respected Dr. and become a professor. Damn… My chick is bad!
"Oh, you'll do great, you always do." I said trying to find something to keep her online longer. "Uh, when are you coming back?"
"I'll be in LA in a year."
"Will you come to New York and visit?"
"I don't know If I'll have time… I will be applying for work who knows where that will take me."
"Alright. I'm having fun reconnecting again. Just would like to see you in person for a change. Get a drink or something." I stated trying to forget my disappointed ache in my gut. "Andre is out here too. I know he misses you."
"I miss him sooo much!" Yeah of course she misses him. "You know what's funny, I talk to you waaaay more than I talk to him."
I smiled. I like that because she is literally the only person I want to talk to all day. I looked around my tiny apartment, and sighed. I hadn't made anything of myself in ten years that we had graduated from Hollywood Arts. I wouldn't be very impressive to her if she did see me. Maybe we shouldn't meet at all. "What do you do other than study and write your thesis?" I asked.
"I don't know, I just broke up with someone, I haven't done anything but bury myself with work since."
"He's an idiot." I said, a little happy that she had no one. "You're a catch."
"Thanks." She responded, and then after a while she said. "Night." And then she was gone. Fuck!
I closed the laptop and looked around at the clock. It was midnight where she was. Well it was officially Happy hour. I suppose I could go out and totally find a diversion or something. I am truly frustrated, I seriously want to fly out to England and be with Tori, I just want to see her. It is an inexplicable urge to touch her. Fuck did I want her?
I had to get out of my crappy apartment. I pulled my Jacket on and walked out of the four by four box I slept in. I blinked at the sudden light outside. It is getting dark later and later. It's almost springtime.
I walked to the Bar down the street and kind of slipped in. Sat off to the corner and watched as the patrons walked in and out. I couldn't afford to actually buy anything so I told the bartender that I was waiting for someone and got a glass of water. I sat there and watched and made a show of looking down at my watch. "Jade?" I looked up at Harley an actress that kind of hit on me one time. She was the one that made me realize that being gay was probably something that I could do.
"Harley!" I smiled and she came closer. "How are you?
"I'm good, Just in here meeting some producers… Would you like to come?" She said
"Um… No, I don't want to impose." I said.
"Oh come on! I could use a date, and you're pretty hot." She said to me taking my hand. She looked at my water. "I'll buy the drinks."
I nodded and walked with her to her table. The evening was so boring I mean super boring. And she kept fondling me under the table. Yes I was horny and she was hot but Just thinking of her touching me made me anxious, and not in a good way. "Harley I have to go."
"Are you sure?" She asked standing at the same time as I did.
"I can't be with you, I'm sort of seeing someone else." I said and walked out. Fuck did I feel better after saying that. Admitting that. Yes… I want Tori. It was Tori, and now I wish she wasn't asleep because I wanted to talk to her again.