AN: Oddly enough, writing this came quite quickly. I should get my firend to read this. She'll bug me about the tick tick tick thing.
Disclaimer: Mood Rings is owned by Relient K. CSI is owned by CBS
Mood Rings
We all know the girls that i am talking about
Well they are time bombs and they are ticking
And the only question's when they'll blow up
Tick, tick, tick.
That's the only sound that is to be heard in Catherine's office. Some would say that it is just the clock. I know better. I know that that ticking noise is actually the sound that is counting off the seconds before she loses it. I'm very knowledgeable when it comes to these things. I hesitate before walking in. I can tell that she's stressed. She's rubbing her temples.
"Greg, are you coming in, or are you just going to hover?" she snaps. I wince and walk in. I told you that I was right.
"Sorry, Cath," I shrug, trying not to let fear show. They can sense it, you know, "So I just finished my case. Griss isn't around so I thought that I'd let you know," I explain. She thumps her hands on the desk.
"Of course he isn't around!" she fumes, "It's that time of year again and he's no where to be found when you need him!" she yells in frustration. I gulp and make a hasty retreat. God dammit, Griss, why do you have to go into hiding whenever someone says 'case review'? The man is condemning the rest of us to Hell. Seriously. Last year, when he did this, she actually threw a stapler at me. I didn't even do anything to deserve it.
"Would you watch where you're going!" I leapt back at Sara's demand. Speaking of emotional…
"Sorry, Sara. I wasn't thinking," I say, not thinking that it was a big deal. She stopped and glared at me. Uh oh.
"Try it, sometime, would you?" she groans, pushing past me without another word. I watch her walk away in shock. What now?
"Hey, Sara. Having a good morning?" I hear Nick greet. No! Nick, NO!
"I don't call a decomp 'good', Nick!" she snaps and his eyes widen. Jeez, Nick, get out of there.
"And don't get me started on the drunk ass who decided he'd try to get lucky while being interrogated!" she fumes, "Or my idiot boyfriend who can't seem to grasp the fact that the lid goes ON the toothpaste tube!"
"But you squeeze it from the middle so all of the toothpaste-" Nick, are you suicidal? If I don't do something, she'll kill the poor guy.
"NICK! Need your help on a case, buddy!" I exclaim, grabbing him by the shoulders and practically dragging him down the hallway, away from the time bomb that was his girlfriend.
And they'll blow up
We know that without a doubt
Cause they're those girls,
Yeah, you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them
And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
"Thanks, man," he breathes, very much relieved. Yeah. I'm the noble one, if you can't tell. I just walked through a mine-field to save my buddy.
"For the love of God, Nick, put the cap on the toothpaste," I tell him, "For all our sakes."
"Do I want to know?" Grissom asks as he walks by us. I have half a mind to let him keep walking, but even I am not that diabolical.
"I wouldn't go that way, Griss," I tell him, figuring that I didn't want to investigate the murder of my boss. He pauses and turns to look at me.
"Catherine?" he asks. I nod. He promptly turns back in the direction that he came.
"GIVE IT TO ME, HODGES!" Wendy Simms suddenly screams. That doesn't sound good. Nick and I exchange a look and we poke our heads into the break room to see the context of her words, hoping that that suggestive phrase was indeed shouted out of anger. I could really do without the image of Hodges getting lucky.
Hodges was backed against the fridge, holding a can of diet coke, "But I had it first," he argued. Why is every guy in this lab, except for me, a total dumb ass?
"Hodge, I need it!" Wendy wails. To mine and Hodges's horror, there are tears visible in her eyes.
"Why?" he asks.
"Have you see the load of stuff the CSIs have for me to analyze? If I have to analyze another semen sample from that orgy at the Sphere, I am going to lose it! And then my mother is on my case at home and my car wouldn't start and-"
"Take it, Wendy," Hodges gives in, shoving the can into her hands and walking out the door. Smartest thing that I've ever seen the trace tech do.
"What is up with her?" Nick questions Hodges as he exit's the break room.
"PMS?" Hodges suggests, holding his hands up un surrender. Sure, if every woman in this lab went through THAT at the same time. Speaking of women…
"Is that the only plausible explanation you idiots can come up with to describe a woman's problems?" Sofia yells as she storms past. The three of us look down the hall from the direction that she came and we can see Brass pounding his head on the wall.
"I wish someone could come up with some other explanation," Nick comments. Don't we all, Nicky.
"Or at least some way that we could know when they're on the rampage," Hodges agrees. Then something hits me. I have a plan.
Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
Cause we'll know just what they're thinking, just what they're thinking
It's so simple. So perfect. It just might be the thing to bring peace to this lab. I swear, sometimes my mind scares me. For the first time in male history, we could discover what actually goes on in the female mind…and how to dodge trouble.
So I called a meeting. Just the guys…except Ecklie…he's one of the ones who needs a mood ring. I could tell them all about my secret plan and I'd be a god, a hero for saving the day.
"Mood rings, Greg?" Grissom asks sceptically. No, Griss, an engagement ring will tell you when Catherine wants to kill you.
"Yeah," I say, "It's perfect."
"What makes you think that there's even a problem?" Warrick asks, folding his arms across his chest. I gape at him. Every man in the room stares at him.
She's so pretty but she doesn't always act that way
Her mood's swinging on the swing set almost everyday
She said to me that she's so happy its depressing(stressed out that its soothing)
And all I said was someone get that girl a mood ring
"What?" I dare to venture. He has to be kidding.
"So the girls get a little bent outta shape every once in a while. It's not like it happens constantly," he argues. We all continue to stare at him.
"Warrick, don't be deceived," Brass chides him, "There is a problem."
"Yeah, dude," Nick agrees, "They may be pretty, but they don't act like it."
"You all just need to learn how to deal with women," Warrick tells us, shaking his head. Like he knows anymore than the rest of us.
"Really?" Nick questions, "What do you say when your girlfriend says that she's happy AND depressed at the same time?"
"How about when you say 'I hate this time of the month,' referring to the monthly department meetings, and Sofia throws a fit?" Brass shoots at him.
"What do you do when Wendy throws a phone book at you, and you ask what's the matter and she snaps and then bursts into tears?" Hodges offers.
"Or when Catherine decides that pain is an acceptable way to communicate?" Grissom adds, probably knowing that the stapler that had missed me last year had nailed Warrick. I smirk at Grissom's comment, though. I can't resist.
"I thought you were into the kinky stuff, Griss?" I tease.
"Not when it involves me sleeping on the couch with a hand mark on my face," he deadpans. Ouch. Warrick merely raises an eyebrow at our boss.
"Maybe if you actually stuck around to help her with the paperwork, she might be easier to live with," he suggests. Grissom snorts.
"The incident that I was referring to was when I read an article out of the paper saying that the more junk food that is consumed, the more likely it is that cancer develops," he corrects, "I have no idea how she got 'So, you think I'm fat' out of that."
"That's the same thing with Sara," Nick adds, "One minute she's fine and the next she's yelling and then crying and then back to yelling and then fine."
"Wendy's a peach to you guys, but as soon as I try to enjoy a coke, I'm getting screamed at," Hodges says.
If its drama you want then look no further
They're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
"And the drama," I chime in, knowing all too well how dramatic things can be around here. Case in point: the stripper that wanted Grissom to be her mad scientist. You may wonder how I know this. You didn't have to listen to Catherine raving about it. I did. I was tempted to slip her a valium. Thankfully the 'mad scientist' told her in the nicest way possible, that she was the only 'specimen' that he could ever want.
Or how about Sara, who can go on for hours about getting woken up in the middle of her night off. I was surprised Nick didn't take the Valium for her. Sure, she heard me offer, but hey, he's a CSI. He could have figured it out.
"Don't get me started," Brass deadpanned. Same here.
And it just kills me how they get away with murder
They'll anger you then bat their eyes
Those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
And you know, somehow they always manage to cause trouble, and yet they can never be tried for their crimes against men. Somehow, we are always the ones on death row.
Take Brass for example. One button, and Sofia has him under her complete control. Hell, one look from her and he's putty.
All Sara has to do to is bat her pretty eyelashes and Mr. Stokes is a moron. And she knows it. When he doesn't share, all hell breaks lose. When she doesn't share her cough drops, he lets it go. Who do you think wears the pants in that relationship?
Hodges has a weakness for the DNA tech. That is why whenever she says something out of line, she can smile at him and he immediately forgets any smart retort that he had.
And I've learnt that Grissom can lecture Catherine all he wants, but at the end of the day, she can make him forget whatever she had did. She has him wrapped around her little finger.
And I've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
So we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
Cause we'll know just what they're thinking, just what they're thinking
"Don't you see, Warrick?" Nick asks, "This could be our chance to avoid trouble and enjoy the good times."
"And avoid pointless fights," Brass adds.
"Unnecessary pain," Grissom puts in.
"Emotional problems," Hodges states.
"Come on, War, what do you say?" I ask. He stares at us
"Where can I get one for my ex-wife?" he asks. Oh, who's a genius? That would be me! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T…wait…S-M-A-R-T!
She's so pretty but she doesn't always act that way
Her mood's swinging on the swing set almost everyday
She said to me that she's so happy its depressing(stressed out that its soothing)
And all I said was someone get that girl a mood ring
"Hey, Sara," I say cheerfully, "How are you today?"
She smiles warmly and says, "I'm alright. Little stressed, but it's kind of soothing, you know?"
No, Sair, I don't know. Which is why I have a present for you. Hehe.
"Yeah," I lie, "But listen, Sair, I know that sometimes I take you for granted and everything, so as a thanks, I got you this. It's not much, but as soon as I saw it, I thought of you," I say, handing her a mood ring. She takes it and surveys it. Thank God! She smiled and put it on. It turned blue.
"Greggo, that's really sweet," she gives me a peck on the cheek and walks away. One down. Three to go.
"Hey, Wendy," I call, poking my head into my former digs. She turns and looks at me, bleary eyed.
"Let me guess, another DNA sample to analyze," she sighs. I shake my head and walked in.
"No, not at all," I answer, "I actually wanted to give you a little something for doing so much for us. I mean, hey, as long as you're in here, I'm out there," I explain, handing her a ring.
"Oh, Greg, that is so nice of you," she says, slipping it on her finger, "Thank you. Your pile just got moved to the front of the list," she said, admiring her now green ring.
Wow this has it's perks. Wonder what I can get out of Cath?
"Hey, Cath," I say, knocking on her door. She motions me inside.
"What are you up to, Greg?" she asks. I shrug and approach the desk.
"Just wondering if there was anything I could do for you, Cath," I offer. She smiles.
"Thanks, but I'm okay, Greg," she answers. Ooh. Good sign for me.
"Well, anyways, I got you something," I say. Her interest peaks.
"Oh?"
"I saw it in the store and immediately thought of you," I say and hand her a ring. She looks and it and smiles.
"A ring made you think of me?" she questions.
"You're just that special," I shrug. She smiles and stands up to give me a peck on the cheek.
"That is so thoughtful of you, Greggy, unlike someone I know," she tells me. I notice that the ring turns from clear to black. Ooh. Bad sign for Grissom.
One more. Luckily I caught Sofia just in the hallway.
"Hi," I greet, smiling. She glares at me. Uh oh.
"What do you want, Greg?" she asks.
"Well, Sofia, I just wanted to apologize for what me and the guys said yesterday, so I got you a small gift. It's not much, but I hope that it'll cheer you up," I say. I am the KING of bullshit. She gives me a watery smile and hugs me.
"You are such a nice guy, Greg. Thank you," she thanks and gives me another hug.
"Anything to help," I reply. And help I did.
Cause when its black it means watch your back because you're probably
The last person in the world right now she wants to see
And when its blue it means that you should call her up immediately
And ask her out because she'll most likely agree
And when its green it simply means that she is really stressed
And when its clear it means she's completely emotionless(and that's alright I must confess)
"Now, black means anger," I explain to the guys, "Blue is good. That means she's happy. Green just means that she's stressed."
"What about clear?" Grissom asked.
"Completely emotionless," I answer.
"Which can be good," Nick affirmed. I nod.
"Greg, you are my hero," Brass sighed in happiness.
"Nice work, Sanders," Hodges agreed. Haha. I know how hard that must have been for him.
We all know the girls that i am talking about
She liked you Wednesday but now its Friday and she has to wash her hair
And it just figures that we'll never figure them out
First she's jekyll and then she's hyde
At least she makes a lovely pair
So that is how I saved the lab. Don't get me wrong. I love the women of CSI. They make the lab a much nicer place to work…when they aren't plotting ways to make my life hell. Among the males of the lab, I am known as the giver of rings, a kind of celebrity, if you will.
Screaming has decreased considerably and none of us has to fear of getting hit with an inanimate object while walking down the hall. Grissom, Nick, and Hodges can be intellectuals in the land of science. I am an intellectual in the land of women.
The only drawback is having to witness the success stories. I've walked in on Griss and Cath not once, not twice, but three times. Brass can't keep the handcuff stories to himself. Instead of lids on toothpaste, Nick and Sara are arguing about lids on lubricant. And I heard Wendy shout, "Give it to me, Hodges!" from the showers in the locker room. I don't think she was talking about diet coke.
I am currently seeking psychological help.
Mood ring oh mood ring
Oh tell me will you bring
The key to unlock this mystery
Of girls and their emotions
Play it back in slow motion
So I may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind
Hey, what do Catherine, Sofia, Sara, and Wendy want? They're all standing on the doorway of the break room. Wait, why are all of their arms crossed? Why is Catherine tapping her foot? I look to their hands.
Oh shit.
My future has blackened considerably. I'm dead. The sacrifices I make for those morons.
I hope Ecklie hasn't figured out that he got a mood ring, too.
The End