Five Times Kirk Tried To Leave The Hospital And One Time He Didn't
A/N Set after Into Darkness
My biggest thanks to the amazing beta Rose9797, you're awesome!
It doesn't take long until the happiness of Kirk's awakening disappears. Not disappear exactly, just... realization hits.
The first two days are good. He's just so damn happy to have his friend back and that he's functioning the way he's supposed to. Because, none of them were absolutely sure of that, considering it's kind of hard to test the full brain-functioning of a tribble. Not that he hasn't tried though; he's been doing multiple tests in the middle of the night on the tribble now, fondly named Steve (who has been busy trying to ruin his office since his arrival to Earth).
Jim mostly sleeps anyway. He wakes for short periods of time, saying things like, "Oh, I didn't see you there, you were camouflaging with the walls," before promptly falling asleep again. Some might say that is a sign of brain damage, but Bones knows perfectly well that Jim is just teasing him for his doctor's uniform.
But then it comes. The third day after his awakening, as Bones is checking his vitals in the late hours and Jim starts moving, looking at him like a kicked puppy in the dark.
"Bones?" Jim asks weakly, voice rough from sleep, making him, if possible, look even more pathetic.
"Everything all right, Jim?"
"When can I get out of here?"
Aaaand, there it is. The nice feeling suddenly turning into a tight knot in his stomach as Bones realizes that, 'Oh shit, this will not be fun.'
After that, there's only one thing repeating itself over and over in his mind as he tries to administer his best care to his other patients.
Kirk.
In a hospital.
An awake Kirk in a hospital.
Yes, of course it has happened before - Bones having to admit Jim in a hospital.
It's just, that this time it's more than "just" a sprained ankle or a concussion. Kirk won't be discharged for a long time, and Bones will have to deal with him. An awake Kirk in a hospital.
And yes, he'd rather deal with Kirk than not have him at all... uh, he'd rather not think about that.
oOo
It doesn't take long until it happens.
Jim, who is under strict bedrest escapes only two days later.
He get's the call while he's on his way to work. Apparently, Jim was not in his bed on the morning rounds and no one knew where he was. He hadn't gotten very far though - too weak to do anything, he had only gotten as far as Mrs. Fields' room next door, eating sour pieces of hard candy she had given him and listening to her gossiping about all of the doctors.
Great. For the first time in a long time, Bones actually went home to his own bed. And he didn't even feel guilty about it. Jim was fine, he had thought (whiny as hell, but fine) and everything is going great. He should have known Jim would take the opportunity.
Bones drops his coffee cup into the nearest trashcan and rushes to the hospital.
He storms into Jim's hospital room, and is met with a way-too-happy looking Jim, sitting up in the bed. That somehow, only makes him even more angry.
"You have to be the biggest idiot to have ever..." And just then, he catches Jim's eyes and realizes he's trying to tell him something.
Bones spins around and, wouldn't you believe it, the six highest-frigging-ranking Starfleet officers are standing right there behind him; six officers, who are looking at him in utter shock at his manners.
Staring in terror at the Starfleet officers, he can actually hear Jim grinning as he talks "Who has ever…what, doctor?"
Bones spins around again, not wanting to look at the officers anymore. "Well, Captain. As I was saying, you are very lucky you didn't hurt yourself considering the extent of your injuries. We would be...happy...if you would stay in your bed. Captain."
"Why, thank you, doctor. I will consider that next time."
Next time.
Bones wishes he could strangle him. Considering that strangling your captain in front of Starfleet wouldn't be appropriate, Bones turns away from Jim.
"Officers," he says and then leaves quickly, before they have time to say anything.
oOo
The second time Jim leaves his hospital bed (which is a week later), Bones gets the news that his friend is gone even before he is found. Of course, it's happening just as Bones is sitting at an important conference with doctors from across the galaxy, discussing different approaches on how to perform surgery on a Nasat, while being in a situation without medical equipment.
At least Bones is still in the hospital, though, the meeting is taking place in a large conference room at the top of the building.
A doctor, whose name Bones honestly never remembers, is busy talking in an unintelligible dialect while showing a number of horrifying pictures, when a nurse quietly comes in, making all eighty-six doctors turn their heads to look.
"Excuse me, Doctor McCoy. It seems like...um, it seems like Captain Kirk is… well, he is missing."
Bones has to take a deep calming breath before thanking the nurse and then excusing himself from the conference, he spent hours preparing for.
The last time Jim had escaped, it had been quite easy to find him, considering he'd been too tired to get that far.
This time, more healed and alert, Jim could be anywhere.
Bones spend forty minutes cursing, running around and looking everywhere (while Security is busy looking for him using cameras, which Jim knows exactly where to look for and avoid them), before finally finding Kirk hidden in a closet on the second floor, happily drinking some juice through a straw while sitting on an upside-down bucket.
"I had to take a fluid break before leaving," Jim confesses and keeps sipping on the straw, unfazed.
"That's what the IV is for, CAPTAIN," Bones ground out furiously, waving to catch the attention of a nurse for help. Then, he leaves the whole situation, to go and sit down for a few minutes around the corner to gather his energy for an examination, to make sure Jim hasn't hurt himself even more.
oOo
The third time it happens, Jim tries escaping at night-time, walking past two sleeping guards. Bones is, of course, sleeping at home this time as well. The nurse, who wakes him up with a call, is frantic. Being her first night on the job, she hadn't exactly expected her first runaway. Bones has to spend fifteen minutes calming her down, while rushing to the hospital.
As soon as he runs through the door though, he gets the news that they've found him in yet another closet, eating six cups of blue Jell-o. Bones takes two calming breaths and buys a fancy cup of coffee at the cafeteria before facing his friend.
"What makes you think you have to run away to get food?" he asks, sitting down after doing some quite expressive yelling, including at least twenty curse words he knows Mrs. Fields will strongly disapprove of and scold him for, when he visits her in the morning.
"Yeah, like you would give me ten cups of Jell-o if I asked," Jim says disbelievingly, swallowing hard as if to keep something down.
"You don't even like - Are you okay?" Bones asks, leaning in to get a closer look, because Jim is now oddly white.
Jim hardly has time to nod before throwing up the six cups of blue jell-o, not only over himself, but over Bones too.
The fourth time Jim tries to escape, the nurses don't even call him. Instead, he comes in to the hospital in the morning happily sipping on a cup of coffee, only to find out Jim has taken the escape route through the stairs this time, and has fallen and sprained his wrist.
Bones doesn't even have the energy to yell, but starts his round with Kirk with ease, taking a look at his wrist.
He takes more pleasure than he should about the fact that Kirk almost looks scared at this calm approach.
Jim, always challenging his mortality though, complains to Bones at the end of the examination that his hand hurts.
Bones doesn't even answer, but orders the orthopaedics to cast Jim's entire arm (even though it's not actually needed due to modern medicine).
oOo
The fifth time it happens, Jim goes a little too far. Charming every guard possible, Jim manages to get into the elevator and almost out the front door, before unexpectedly bumping into a visiting Scotty.
He can tell Kirk has trouble figuring out which one of them is the angriest, as they're yelling at him - Bones throwing his stack of papers everywhere and Scotty hitting him over and over again with the now ruined flower bouquet.
When they quiet down, Kirk simply tells them he must have been sleepwalking and turns around to go to his room.
oOo
Then finally, the day comes, the actual day when Jim is discharged. A day Jim has been begging him about, forever. But as Bones comes in to Jim's room with the obligatory wheelchair for his release, Jim isn't there.
There isn't any reason to be alarmed this time though; Jim is much better and can definitely handle walking around. It's still annoying though, and Bones sighs again, because they will be late for Jim's 'Welcome Back' party that the 'Fleet is arranging for him.
It doesn't take him too long to find his friend, having realized Jim seems kind of fond of closets (It is the best place to hide, really).
Jim is sitting on a bucket again, nervously fidgeting with the wrapper from some finished crackers.
Bones takes his own bucket, turns it upside down and sits down next to him.
"I think I need another four…. triple liver scan…or whatever it was called," says Jim.
"Really?" Bones say, eyebrows rising.
Jim nods, "Yeah, it just doesn't feel right."
"How come?" Bones asks calmly. Usually he wouldn't have been, but only hours ago Bones did every test possible on Kirk to make sure everything was fine, earning eye-rolls from his colleagues. He knows a hundred and ten per cent, that everything is fine.
Jim bites his lips.
"Maybe you're feeling a bit scared?" Bones offers.
Jim glares at him, "I'm not scared." Then, his eyes soften a bit, "I'm just... maybe, not… ready yet."
"Of course you are," Bones says firmly. "You've been ready ever since you woke up. We've just kept you here to make sure you didn't try to endanger your life until you were fully healed again. Because, knowing you, you would have definitely discovered a new, dangerous situation to get yourself into if we had not kept you here."
"I'm actually kind of surprised no one has tried to kill me yet," says Jim, nodding.
"Feels good, doesn't it?"
Jim thinks for a while. "Actually….no, you're right, I am ready for that."
He smiles and stands up. "I'm betting on that weird Starfleet dude we met when Admiral Cork turned fifty years old, you remember? He had, like the biggest moustache ever and he did not like me one bit."
Great, Bones thinks to himself, sighing. Back to his life, back to saving Kirk from being strangled by a big moustache or whatever mess he will likely get them into. Presumably, within the next hour or so, knowing Kirk.
But at least, he thinks, as he signs and hands in Jim's final release papers, at least I won't have to deal with him at work anymore.
Kirk gives the giggling nurses one final wave with the hand Bones had threatened to cuff to the wheelchair only minutes ago, if he wouldn't sit down in it, and then pushes him out of the hospital door, feeling more relaxed than he has been for a long, long time.
-End-