Friday April 21, 2006
So we begin my year long journey. It's a modest journey of one humble 18 year old girl. I'm not trying to change the world or cure cancer, nothing as important as that. My journey is one of self-discovery, of weight-loss, and learning to love myself.
The plan is to lose 50 pounds over the next 13 months. I know it sounds like a dramatic amount, and it is, but really its only about 3-4 pounds a month, a perfectly healthy amount. I could technically lose all the weight in 7 months healthily, but lets be honest, I know I don't have the will power for that. I chose 13 months, because the end-date of this challenge is my twentieth birthday. Which will be June 16 2007, yes I know my counting is off that's over 13 months away, but I'm giving myself a little leeway time. Everyone needs a break here and there.
At the moment I weigh 225pounds, I'm in the range doctors call obese. This isn't even the heaviest I have ever been, I have reached 230 before, not that I am proud of that fact, just pointing it out. But right now I am the heaviest I have been in a couple of years. I'm your average dieter, a dieter for life, or a yo-yo dieter. Diets work for a time, but after awhile the slowness would discourage me or I get so sick of it I quit. Each time I begin a diet, honestly I'm always on some sort of diet of my own making, I go into it with big dreams. But I hit the normal pit falls, I have unrealistic goals, the weight doesn't come off fast enough, or I blow it on some food and then cant restart. But I have recently found my biggest dieting fault, the revelation that began this whole plan, I have never felt deserving of a good or healthy body. I have never had to confidence in myself to be able to reach my goals. As painful as it is to admit, I have always felt deserving of being a 'fat' girl. As a fat girl people ignore me, it's the sad truth, I'm naturally shy so my extra weight helps to bring me farther into the background. If you're beautiful or have a nice body people notice you, they look at you, that terrified me. As a large girl people might look but they quickly dismiss you as well, allowing me to fade un-noticed, something I thought I deserved. But I am now ready to get past this neurosis of mine that is holding me back from everything I have deserved.
So a little more about me, while I may be 225 pounds I am also 5'11", I still maintain I am under six feet. I began college in the fall, moving from home to a school eight hours away. I've never had a boyfriend. I briefly went out with a guy at the beginning of the school year, but he never called me after a few days. He was a loser anyway. So yes, I am a fat 18 year old virgin basically.