Author's Note: I started on this before I took on my personal challenge to finish every story I've ever written. It's proving to be a daunting task, and slowly but surely it's getting done. This is something I wanted to finish before I completely dedicated myself to new chapters of older stories. I hope you enjoy. A review or two would be nice just to let me know I'm not wasting my time. :)
And this is rated for swearing and sexual innuendos.
The Posse and the Pizzeria
"SAUSAGE UP."
"I know what I'd like to do with my sausage right now..."
"DISGUSTING."
"Come on man, that is kinda gross to talk about, ya know?"
"Look whose talking, considering two fucking seconds ago you were whining about how you wanted to stick your dick and one of the servers' vaginas."
"Hey! I didn't say it like that, ya know? I was more elegant and gentlemanly and stuff, ya know?"
"LIES. NOT GENTLEMAN."
"You ain't got a gentleman bone in your whole body, you shit-brain."
"KETTLE BLACK."
"She got you there, ya know?"
"What a minute now, I wait for the bitch - I mean, the chick to tell me whether or not she wants to bang. Well I ask. And if she says no I convince her one way or another so - "
"GET TO WORK YOU LOUSY PIECES OF SHIT!"
The Posse simultaneously turned their heads to stare at the overweight, red-faced, and very irritated Pizzeria owner who seemed only moments away from a coronary.
Fujin glared at Seifer Almasy and reached through the serving slit in the wall to pop Raijin upside his head, "DUMBASSES."
The darker man recoiled as his long time male companion snorted a laugh while continuing to knead his fingers into a lump of pizza dough, "Hey not fair, you know? Why didn't you hit Seifer too?"
"Because I'm too damn pretty - OW GOD DAMMIT!" He reached down to grab his suddenly aching shin. The silver haired lady smirked satisfactorily as she turned to tend to the pizza oven. They didn't escape another glare from the owner who at this point was popping his knuckles, gleefully anticipating ripping their faces off and serving them as the house special. Thankfully, one of the other cooks redirected his attention with an inquiry long enough for the initial rage to falter and fade.
Not that Seifer gave a shit.
It was their first day on the job, desperate for something to do after having drifted the continents without a purpose. Since the war, they avoided everything Garden related as much as possible, which meant not returning to what was once their home. Which also meant they had no shelter provided and no income (and who wanted to cut an ex-Sorceress' knight a break, anyway). So they had to make due.
He still didn't know why this Rolo guy let them work in the first place. He suspected Fuj sucked his dick but he had no hard evidence...
"Can I get some water, please?" Someone called out from the dining room, their patience waning with the lack of attentive service.
Raijin tore himself from watching Almasy's handy work on the dough in front of him (that he was shamelessly making into a penis) and tend to the patron with a bit of hustle and bustle in his step, "On my way sir, ya know?"
Seifer, unlike his other two comrades, was not exactly tickled pink to be working in such an establishment. Hell, it was down right embarrassing, serving others, making them oh so delicious pizzas...the dough reminded him of the squishy skin of his enemies as he squeezed their heads to crush them; and the sauce reminded him of the blood he'd splattered with his Hyperion. How he would relish in the feeling of slicing his foes right through the belly -
"Pepperoni pizza extra sauce!" one of the expeditors called out. What was his name? Steve? Samuel? Snot? He couldn't reminder, and it didn't matter. He was certainly an ugly fuck though. And if he made googly eyes at Fujin one more time he was going to pop them out make them a pizza topping.
He grumbled a response and pulled out another chunk of dough. He began to knead his fingers into the supple mass, tossing a bit of flour here and there , his ministrations aiming to make it more pliable - and then he tore it apart.
Fuck.
He needed to stop doing that. Blasted murderous instincts...
"IDIOT," came Fujin's matter-of-fact comment with a snicker.
"Oh yeah?" the gunblade master snarled, "Then you do it if you're so God damned brillant."
And she did.
She grabbed a handful, kneading, tossing and tossing and TOSSING like a damn pro. It made him sick. It twirled like a cream colored saucer and fluttered down like a doughy ballerina onto her awaiting fingertips. A self satisfied smirk flashed on her lips as he grumbled.
He'd show her.
Before he could proclaim the title of Pizza Kitchen Master, Raijin came huffing and puffing to the slit in the wall like he'd seen an army marching to the doorstep.
"Hey guys...you won't...believe...who is out there...ya know...?"
"What the hell Raijin, did you run a marathon or something? You're seriously out of shape - "
"Look!"
With a finger pointed toward the back of the restaurant, their eyes drifted to the army he'd been referring to.
"Ah shit..."
"I thought there were going to be hot dogs here!" Zell Dincht whined as his eyes looked over the menu with a pout.
Squall Leonhart had his arms crossed at his chest with Rinoa by his side. He didn't bother looking at the menu since she was going to order for him anyway. It was just as well. She'd taken over his life since the War. His dorm room contained way too much pink and candles and girly nonsense that drove him silently batty but avoided saying a word about it lest she turn him into a Tonberry. He'd seen her do it to other 'meanies'... And his office would have been an embarrassment with all the smiley faced pens, the fuzzy office chair, and the curtain beads in the doorway if no one understood who his girlfriend was.
The pouting that would later ensue if he said 'no' to any of it would simply not be worth it. And living life as a Tonberry was not on his bucket list.
Quistis Trepe sat across from him with her spectacles placed just so on the bridge of her nose as she studied the menu like it was an encyclopedia. It didn't matter. She was going to go with a Caesar Salad anyway whether it was on the menu or not.
And there was Selphie Tilmitt to her left, bouncing up and down in her chair beside Irvine Kinneas like she just ingested twelve energy drinks. He couldn't figure out where all of that energy came from...and Irvine looked a cross between enamored and exhausted when he gazed at the 5 foot nothing bubble beside him. Seriously, Squall nearly had a stroke just looking at her sometimes.
"Zell, the place is called 'Pizza Heaven'," Quistis began, not taking her eyes from the printed text before her, "what gave you the impression you were going to find hot dogs here?"
Dincht slumped in his chair like a toddler, "I thought they'd at least have a kids menu that maybe had one on it. Irregardless - "
"Regardless. Irregardless is redundant."
"Thanks for making me feel 'tarded, Quisty -" he retorted with puckered lower lip before returning to the previous topic, "Regardless, I'm starving like a T-Rexaur on a fast."
"Squall, you can share a vegetarian pizza with me, okay?" Rinoa said quietly while pointing to the item she was referring to like he was an invalid.
"..."
Trepe released her menu with a sigh, "Whose idea was it to come here anyway? There is not one thing on this menu that appears to have any shred of healthy sustenance to it..."
"Says you who ate half a buffalo pizza by yourself last week," Zell interjected with an innocent smile to follow.
Trepe readjusted her glasses as she shot him a scowl, "It was...that special time of the month. I would have eaten your head if there were enough salt on it."
Selphie waved both hands in the air like she won a prize, "Me! It was me! And I'll tell you why! It just opened two weeks ago and the reviews were really good. And..." she leaned into the table like she carried a secret on her lips, "just today I heard that an ex-Sorceress Knight is working here!"
The table fell silent before exploding into laughter. Squall couldn't manage to contain a small fraction of an amused smirk from his face himself. It was the closest he ever came to laughter.
"Come on now, Selphie-bear, you can't really believe that rumor, can ya?" Kinneas said with a chuckle, casually leaning back in his seat, "Seifer would kill himself before he started working in a place like this. You know, servin' folks is beneath him - at least in this kind of setting."
"Didn't stop him from serving the Sorceress, if you know what I'm sayin'..." Zell gave a knowing look to Irvine.
The table frowned in disgust.
"That's Matron you're talking about," Quistis retorted, a disapproving look on her face.
Zell seemed to think very hard, and when the realization hit him, he slumped in his seat, "Oh yeah...ew..."
Not one of them felt the boiling heat that came from the kitchen, courtesy of Seifer's death glare.
"What the flyin' FUCK man!? Go poison their water or something!" the ex-knight demanded as he slammed his fist on the counter before him.
Raijin held up his hands as if to calm the blazing inferno that was suddenly spiraling out of control, "Whoa man! Bring it down a notch or thirteen! Ain't no reason to lose your shit, ya know? War is over and everything is supposed to be hunky dory, ya know? We all good guys now, ya know?"
"IMMATURE."
"Shove it, Fuj," he huffed. It had nothing to do with the war, it had everything to do with being humiliated. Seifer Almasy, reduced to being a pizza cook. And a rather shitty one at that. What the hell kind of happily ever ending is that?
He took in a deep breath before he could destroy anything in the kitchen, or burn off anyone's face - if only he had Hyperion...
"Well, they're in my section, so...I guess I gotta take care of 'em, ya know?" With a hard swallow, Raijin walked toward their table with a steady gait.
Seifer sneered as he began punching his dick dough.
"Hey there guys and gals...welcome to Pizza Heaven, ya know? My name is Raijin and I'll be your ser - what?"
The table of mercenaries gazed at the man as if he had two heads. They had a difficult time registering what they were seeing. If Raijin was here...
"I TOLD YOU!" Selphie squealed, leaping out of her chair. "In your face, in your face, in your FACE!"
Irvine placed a hand to her shoulder and forced her back down to her bum without taking his eyes from the waiter.
"Raijin...how long have you been here?" Quistis inquired, gaining her voice after what seemed like an eternity.
The server scratched the back of his head nervously, "First day, ya know? Thought I'd be in the kitchen for sure but when Fuj told 'em I burn everything I touch, I got stuck waitin' tables, ya know? Nice to have something to do besides beating people up, ya know?"
"Fujin's here too?" Zell asked incredulously. The whole idea of being served by the infamous Posse was hard to swallow.
"Yeah, she's workin' the back with - I mean, she's in the back, ya know?"
"So is...is um..." Rinoa put her fingers to her lips in thought, unable to finish the question.
The table was silent for several moments before Selphie, unashamed, asked what was on everyones mind, "Mr. Ex-Knight is working here, isn't he?"
The Posse member had a moment of panic. Should he admit it? Would they know if he was lying if he denied it? Would Seifer stuff him in one of the pizza ovens and turn it full throttle if he mentioned that he worked here? He didn't tell him what to say before he left! He wasn't any good at thinking on his toes!
Panic, panic, panic...
"Nah. Dude is eh...he's...um...he started his own mercenary business ya know? And me and Fuj, we were like 'no man we're outta the killin' gig' and then he called us pussies and was gone. Hadn't seen him since. Probably killing a lot of shit and raking in the doe by now..." Shit shit shit...raking in the doe...that was funny...
The hyperactive crazy nutjob opened her mouth to say something, but the cowboy slipped his hand over her mouth, "Well if ya see him give him our regards."
Squall snorted.
"I think I'll have Meat lovers..."
Seifer looked down at the ticket Raijin presented as he was telling them about his encounter moments before with their former enemies, "That faggot cowboy would order the Meat Lovers - Wait, you told them what?"
"I didn't know what else to do man! Spur of the freakin' moment, ya know?"
"LAME."
"Well now Fuj, gotta give him credit for at least keeping with the whole 'Seifer is a badass' tale. Hyne knows I'd rather be doing that then this shit ass job. But I can guarantee you they didn't believe you. They know I'm here. Puberty Boy is certainly a twinkle dick, but he ain't completely retarded. Mostly, but not completely."
"GET TO WORK!"
Seifer sneered and hollered back, "WE'RE GETTIN' GOD DAMMIT! Man that Rolo fuck is seriously pissing me off."
"Don't get him too mad...we need these jobs, ya know?"
"PAYCHECK."
Seifer scoffed and resumed work with his penis pizza, spreading sauce upon the dough from balls to tips. Raijin stared in childish glee at the artwork while Fujin looked on in disgust.
"PURPOSE?"
"Well, I was just going to send it out as a prank to some random table, but I think I know just who to give it to now..."
His male companion looked a little pale, "Wait a minute...I ain't gonna bring that to them. There are ladies present, ya know?"
Fujin rolled her eyes as she glared, "IRRELEVANT."
Seifer just about cackled, sprinkling gobs of cheese over the sauced dough, "Yeah right Raij, I think you forget about all the fart and penis jokes you make around Fuj here."
Raijin shook his head, "That's different, ya know? Fuj ain't exactly a lady, ya kno - oh shit - OW!"
Before he could duck or block, a right hook clocked him in the temple, sending him far from the servers' window and stumbling to the floor.
Their leader paid little attention to the scuffle, knowing a decking was inevitable, "Don't worry about it anyway, Raij..." he said with a devious grin as he added the finishing touch to his masterpiece, "I'll hand deliver this myself..."
Raijin stood, rubbing his temple just as he watched his friend slide the pizza into the oven for the finale. He exchanged a look with Fujin that said everything the two were thinking of at the same time...
They were all about to be unemployed...
"You think he was serious? About Seifer and starting his own gig?" Zell questioned thoughtfully as his stomach gurgled loudly. He was beginning to eye other people's food around him. It sure smelled great...
Squall kept silent, a scowl on his face as per usual. Seifer starting any kind of business would be a like Grat opening a floral shop. It just wouldn't happen. The obvious answer was he was somewhere in the restaurant, most likely in the kitchen. The idea of Seifer Almasy, his life long adversary making his meal instantly had him losing his appetite. In fact...
The Commander bounded from his seat to swat the plastic cup of water from Quistis' hand which cracked loudly against the side of Zell's head and drenched him in it's icy fluid.
"What the hell, Squall?!" he groaned, shaking the droplets from his soaked hair like a dog. Oddly enough, it didn't lose a spike.
"Was that necessary?" Trepe chimed in, rubbing her moist hands on the front of Zell's shirt. He didn't even seem to notice.
Rinoa gave Squall a look and a nod before turning to the rest of the party, "Squall thinks Seifer may be working here and could have poisoned our drinks and food."
Irvine leaned his lips into his cupped hand and whispered to Selphie, "This reading Squall's mind shit is gettin' creepy..."
"Highly unlikely. The cooks have nothing to do with the beverages at least; that is the servers responsibility."
"Maybe he's right though, Quisty. What if he does try to poison our food and water and stuff? Maybe it's a good thing there are no hot dogs here. I'd be bummed if my memory got all...tainted and stuff because he poisoned my hot dog. I'd never be able to eat them again! One time I ate this bleu cheese burger right? It tasted great but then I had the shits for a week and now the smell of bleu cheese reminds me of the times I barely made it to the toilet with my pants around my ankles - "
"Thanks Zell, now we all share something in common..." the cowboy rolled his eyes as Selphie and Rinoa held a hand to their lips in obvious revulsion. Squall said nothing.
His eyes lit up, "You got the shits from Bleu Cheese burgers too?"
"It'd be a waste to even try to poison us Squall...Rinoa...whoever - considering the Cafeteria food we are subjected to on a daily basis," Quistis sighed, fumbling with the wet napkin on her lap, "We all ought to have iron stomachs by now."
The table was silent as they processed the Instructor's logical.
"Well I don't care if he dips it in Cactuar jizz, I'm freakin' starving," Dincht rubbed his belly which grumbled with the dissatisfaction of being empty.
"..." Squall said.
A familiar voice starled them all from their thoughts.
"Well, well, if it isn't my former SeeD mates. And Rinoa. The girl I used to bang. How nice to see you all!"
The table looked up to see a grinning Seifer, a platter of something resting atop his open palm.
Selphie squealed with glee, clapping her hands and bouncing up and down from her chair, "Seeeee!? I told you he was here!"
Zell appeared much more excited then he should have been as well, "He brought food, yay!" a glare from the rest of the table had him slouching, "I mean...bad person Seifer Almasy boooo..."
Seifer's expression turned absolutely devilish and self satisfied, "Well now, I excepted a greater welcome than that. I even brought you a pizza pie. It's on the house."
The ex-knight brought forth the platter and dropped it unceremoniously upon their table, causing the furniture to rumble under it's weight, the glasses and shakers either tumbling from the edges or rolling about on their sides.
The six slowly peered at the pizza, only to collectively gasp at the sight.
Well, that wasn't accurate - the women gasped, Irvine and Zell tried not the laugh, and Squall said and did nothing as usual. The pizza was in the shape of male genitalia, covered in layers of sauce and cheese. The words 'SQUALL IS A PRECK' were spelled out upon it's length in sausage that left the ex-knight grinning with his latest achievement.
"Ain't it pretty? I made it just for you, Puberty boy. Thought you'd appreciate it since you're so used to having dick in your mouth."
Squall said nothing.
"ALMASY! GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE!" Someone shouted from the kitchen. It caused the guests within the dining room to flinch.
Seifer simply rolled his eyes, cupped a hand around his mouth and called back, "I'M BUSY!" he looked back at the Orphanage gang, plus Rinoa, "They can't do anything without me..."
Quistis peered into the pizza pie with an upward brow, then looked back to its maker with a satisfied smirk, "You spelled 'preck' wrong."
"What the fuck? No I didn't." He protested, but if the Instructor was correcting him, he probably did screw up. She just loved pointing out his mistakes.
Dincht followed suit, "Yeah man, it's spelled with an 'I', not an 'E'. I'll fix it for ya, though." He reached to grab the sausage pieces from the pie until Almasy backhanded it away.
"Screw off, Chicken Wuss! This is for Squall. I made it for him, since he loves cock. Don't you, pubes? Have a taste, I used my special sauce. Kind of tangy."
"ALMASY I'M WARNING YOU!"
"FUCK OFF I'M BUSY!"
Irvine looked to Squall for a sign of what to do about this latest development, but he held up a hand and shook his head. The Commander had a feeling something was about to go down...
Like a charging Ruby Dragon, a red faced Rolo came storming from the kitchen, and didn't slow despite Raijin and Fujin clutching to either ankle as he stampeded their way.
"You good for nothin' son of a bitch! You get back in that kitchen or so help me I'll tear you apart limb from limb!" If his veins could burst in his body from sheer fury, they would have exploded in unison, "Your little friends won't be able to save you!"
The comrades attached to his legs looked at each other and attempted to suppress their giggles. Even the visitors from Garden saw the humor in the statement.
Seifer crossed his arms at his chest, very aware that all eyes were upon him and this event, "Save me? Oh no no my rollie-pollie friend. Apparently, you don't know who I am. I'm Seifer mother fuckin' Almasy, ex-Sorceress Knight of the Second Sorceress War, you ignoramus." The realization hit the man like a ton of brick, the red draining from his face and instead turning starkly pale. Before he could manage a counter, the proud and prideful Almasy continued with a sneer, "They were trying to save you from me."
With that, a left hook to his eye sent the owner flying into the table behind him, sending the patrons scurrying from his flailing body as it crashed against a corner and flipped it into the next. Before Seifer knew it, the entire establishment had either joined the fight, or fought to flee.
He dodged here, kicked there, connected a fist to a face - he wasn't sure whose. The battle born adrenaline coursed through his body like a tidal wave, and he drowned in it.
And the Garden party slipped out the back...
"Well that sucked!" Zell groaned as the walked away from the Pizzeria, kicking a rock and tucking his hands into his pockets like a disappointed toddler.
"That was fun!" Selphie retorted happily, slipping an arm through Irvine's, "That was entertainment at it's finest, you silly boy!"
Quistis shook her head, removing her glasses from her nose to clean with a kleenex. A few slatters of sauce or blood - she wasn't quite sure which, "Maybe, but I feel like we wasted twenty minutes of our lives."
Rinoa was staring at Squall intently. He had stopped walking with a look of painful constipation on his face, "Honey? Are you okay? Squall, say something!"
The others halted and turned to stare at their very still Commander. He appeared to be in agony, but he had consumed nothing, and did not seem to sustain any physical injury...
And then something occurred that left the crystal clear expression of astonishment on their faces.
Squall Leonhart laughed. Hysterically.
Several Hours Later...
"Well thanks Seifer. Not only are we unemployed but we're in jail, ya know?" Raijin pouted as he pressed his elbows to his knees, palms cupped beneath his chin, "And I never got my free lunch..."
"LUDICROUS," Fujin chimed in, her arms crossed at her chest as she stared at their leader with daggers in her one good eye.
Seifer leaned against the brick wall sporting a split lip. It was a fluke that he sustained any injuries at all - if Raijin had been paying attention to where he was roundhouse-kicking... "Shut your pie holes, both of you. I have a headache the size of Galbadia. Besides, that was a shit job anyway."
"A shit job we needed, ya know?"
"HEY!" their leader bellowed, clearly getting sick and tried of the guilt trip, "Now if you assholes wanna go out on your own and leave the former lapdog behind, you go right a fuckin' head. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and be thankful I scared these authority dicks into putting us in one cell or you'd be cryin' for Bubba to quit shoving his man goods into your asses."
The companions fell silent for several moments.
"...Maybe we should all try and see if Garden will take us back, ya know?"
"POSSIBILITY."
"Tch..." Seifer scoffed, but didn't have it in him to completely trash the idea. The brawl reawakened his need to be apart of something dangerous, something daring that he could truly get his hands dirty with.
Garden was not it.
However...
"Raijin...you just might be a Genius."
The two friends stared at their leader in awe and disbelief, "Really?"
The ex-Knight nodded, rubbing his fingers across his jaw and chin, "What do you think of starting our own mercenary company?"
The End. Or is it...?
Author's Note: I left it here because I could either continue this as a type of comedic series, or it can be a stand alone. It just depends on time since I'm currently working on finishing several fics I've started, so I can't invest much time into anything new. This was mostly done to get my head geared into writing again since the hiatus has been so long.
Anyway, reviews are appreciated. Thanks!