Written for Aleysiasnape at HP_conenvy, who requested: LM/HG, trapped in an unknown room in Malfoy Manor. Disclaimer: Wish Lucius was mine. Alas, he is Jo's.

"Why do I find it hard to believe that you accidentally pressed the button, Miss Granger?"

"It couldn't be because everyone that you associate with is an expert liar. Believe me, it was unintentional, Mr. Malfoy."

"I'm associating with you, am I not?"

"Unfortunately. But I'm telling you, I had no idea your house would contain one of these."

"Manor, or mansion, if you please."

"Excuse me?"

"Do try not to gulp down the remaining oxygen with your idiocy. This is a manor, mansion, an estate… not a house."

"Arrogant prig."

"Swotty killjoy."

"Killjoy? Do you find anything remotely joyful in us being stuck together in a panic room?"

"Yes. I find it a bit of poetic justice that I will have at least sampled the pleasures of the flesh before I expire. The same could not be said of… certain people."

"Presumptuous arse!"

"It's not presumptuous if I'm right."

"Well… you're not."

"Do I sense hesitation in that admission, Miss Granger?"

"No. None at all. Now, what kind of failsafe do you have on this locking mechanism? And why in Merlin's name will it not respond to magic?"

"If you were one of the last remaining Death Eaters—one who is allowed to walk free, mind you—wouldn't it be prudent to ensure that every precaution was in place for your continued existence?"

"Is someone threatening you, Malfoy? You could always report your suspicions to the Ministry."

"And have people like you arrive under the pretence of checking to see if all my Floos have the required license? Thank you, but no."

"It's a valid fear. We don't want someone with unauthorised access to your home."

"You mean you don't want Draco or me to 'accidentally' Floo into Hogwarts, or into the Unspeakables Department at the Ministry on a whim. Your concern for our welfare is touching. Really, you needn't bother on our behalf."

"It's for your protection as much as ours."

"Why, I do believe I have a stirring of warmth in the cockles and subcockles of my cold, black, little heart at your worry over our safety."

"Sarcasm. Ha. You are a veritable fount of untapped talent, Malfoy."

"Just one more service I offer."

"Oh, really? What else do you offer? The poor and oppressed are eager to know!"

"Hmm, yes. You are rather oppressive. In situations like these, I am always prepared. Observe."

"Is that… oh my God. I can't believe you have this in here!"

"Only the best will do. Move aside, I do not wish for you to see the combination to my safe."

"Like I would even want to know the combination, Malfoy."

"Of course you would. Anyone in their right mind would wish to know what is in a vault at Malfoy Manor."

"Clearly, I'm insane, then."

"I'm glad you realise you have a problem. I hear it's the first step towards recovery."

"And having a cache of alcohol in your panic room is not a problem?"

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools. Ah, here it is."

"So you're saying I'm a fool?"

"No, merely annoying. At least at the moment."

"Oh, good lord, that's… huge!"

"Beautifully crafted, isn't it? The colour is just magnificent."

"I wouldn't know; I've never tasted anything like that."

"I doubt you ever will. Unless… would you like to? It may be the only opportunity you'll ever receive to sample perfection."

"So sure of yourself, Malfoy?"

"Of course. I'm not the wizarding world's most eligible bachelor for no reason."

"I shouldn't. I'm on duty."

"Come now, Miss Granger. Straight-laced to the end, are we?"

"Fine. Let me have it."

"One does not just have it; it must be savoured."

"All right then, let me savour it."

One Hour Later

"Oh, gods, Lucius… this is perfect! More, please!"

"Greedy little witch, aren't you?"

"For this? Mmmh, yes… oh yes. I need more!"

"I'll give you more…"

Draco and Harry turned to each other with horrified expressions on their faces. In front of them, the Muggle audio surveillance system that transmitted sound from the non-magical panic room continued to broadcast.

"Do you think they…" Harry ventured, cringing.

Draco shook his head. "I-I don't know. I thought they were partaking of Father's Louis XIII Cognac—that's what he keeps in the vault. But from what I'm hearing…"

"Yeah," Harry muttered. "Sounds way too—"

"Oh, yes… yes… all over me!"

Draco quickly flipped a switch and the audio ceased. Some things he just didn't want to know.