Black
Black, black, black. Everywhere he looked, black. Black suits, black dresses, black shoes, black expressions. The black of his surroundings seemed to consume him, drag him into the sad abyss of loneliness he had thought he had escaped from once again. He hadn't seen this coming, he had never expected this. Not now, not this way, not her. She was supposed to dance, smile, laugh, playfully fight and wrestle with her brothers, not this. She wasn't supposed to lie so still, unmoving.
He had been at home when he heard the news. It had taken him a full day to realize what his father had told him. He didn't want to believe it, someone had to be pulling some sick joke on him. The sad and beaten look on his father's face was what convinced him in the end. That moment was what he would describe as the worst and most disorienting moment of his life. The floor seemed to fall away beneath his feet and the room seemed to fade into a pool of confusing colors.
She was so still. Her eyes closed. Her normally disheveled and messy hair tied back into a ponytail was now neatly combed and framed her delicate face. Her skin was flawless and he had never seen her so beautiful, which was quite a saddening thought. A white, short sleeved dress covered her slim body and her muscular arms and legs were clearly visible to him. She literally looked like an angel of death. The only things missing were a pair of wings and a golden halo above her head.
Seeing her like this made him think of the time they had spend together, the relationship that they had. She had been the strong, feisty girl next door with the worst temper and not a lot of patience. He was a lazy and happy-go-lucky boy with a lot of patience who went where the wind took him. The first time they met was when she transferred to his school together with her brothers. With his friends, he had come up with the game of "trip the new girl" and it had ended up with her trying to hammer his face with her fists and him, to no avail, trying to fend her off. Sometime later, they were supposed to work together on a biology project and even though it had seemed impossible, they got close. You could actually say that they were good friends, almost best friends. He didn't know what the girl felt about him, but he began to fall for her. Her blonde hair and her blunt appearance and personality overall fascinated him. He didn't know why but he always smiled and felt better than ever before when he was in her presence.
There was one thing that he knew about her that fascinated him the most: her love of music. He had caught her once, singing while they were strolling through the park together and she was walking on ahead of him. He heard her sing a soft tune and he thought it was beautiful. Though her low voice couldn't reach the high notes, her voice had the right waver at the right moment and there was no note out of tune.
He still remembered which song it was.
She also played the violin. Her brother had told him once that the wooden instrument was like a holy artifact to her and that she refused to play in front of anybody, claiming she wasn't good enough. He had heard her play though, through the closed door of her room.
Guilt claimed his soul as he took a last look at the body of the girl he loved before her brother and parents closed the coffin. He should have done something. He should have been there to tell her not to go through with it. It was him, of all people, who she had come to and he hadn't really taken her seriously. He hadn't stopped her. He should have told her brothers, her parents or anyone what she had told him. He should have been there for her more. He should have, at least, taken her more seriously. He shouldn't have let her go through this alone. Should have, could have, but didn't.
It was lunch break in school. He was sitting at his usual table when she joined him with a strange expression on her face. It seemed to be a combination of sadness, anger, fear and confusion. She sat down and started to play with the sleeves of her sweater.
"Eh, I need to talk to you," she started off awkwardly. He didn't say anything and just looked at her curiously motioning for her to go on.
"Lately, I feel a bit sad and I've been making wrong choices. It's like I have no feeling for danger anymore. It's like I don't feel anything anymore. I can't even come out of bed most days." It was true. The last few weeks, she hadn't come to school some days, claiming she just didn't feel well in her stomach but he hadn't believed her.
"I think I'm more than just a bit sad…" she concluded, refusing to look at his face. He just said one thing:
"You will be all right."
The ceremony was over. He was standing alone just outside the graveyard giving her family some time alone. After half an hour, her parents walked past him, giving him a comforting pat on the shoulder telling him how sorry they were for his loss. He told them the same and started to walk towards her freshly dug grave. He wasn't able to tear his gaze from the white tombstone surrounded by flowers of almost every color imaginable. She would have thought it was beautiful, he knew that for sure. Suddenly he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find her brothers standing next to him. To be honest, he had totally forgotten that they were still there. Their faces were hard to read. These blank complexions had not wavered through the whole ceremony and they did not truly waver now.
"How are you feeling?" the oldest brother asked. He shrugged and averted his eyes. For a second, he couldn't bear to look into her brother's eyes. They were just too similar to hers.
"I'm hurting," was all he was able to say. The youngest brother put a hand on his shoulder.
"We all are, but I guess we are a special case. I was her brother by blood and she was always there to support me while I've never been there for her. You were something to her that we were never able to be. I'm so sorry I wasn't there when she needed it. I blame myself, but I think I'm not the only one, seeing your face… It's too late now. We can only hope she is happy where she is now. Here. She left this behind for you," her brother handed him a folded piece of paper, and walked towards the tombstone and placed an item in front of it. When the brothers walked away and left the cemetery he could see what it was.
It was her violin. The bloody thing that had almost crushed his head multiple times when she had scolded him for being late, lazy or for not listening to her ranting about the amount of detention she had gotten that week. He couldn't help but smile at the memory of her cheeky grin whenever he called her out or called her stupid names. He turned back and opened the folded piece of paper. For a few seconds he just stared at her messy handwriting, taking in the fact that this was written with her own hand, before he started to read.
If you read this, I am six feet under and I regret it that I won't get to see your face right now. I just wanted you to know that you were so important to me. More than I dared to admit anyway. Even though I tried to kill you more than once, you grew into someone very special. I just like you very much. Damn, I think I could even say that I love you. Oh, dammit, you know I'm no good with words! Anyway, I'm in a better place now and please don't blame yourself for anything. You couldn't have been here and even if you were I would have gone through with it. I just think you should know that I don't regret anything.
And please don't cry, you bastard. I'm not worth those tears of yours.
I love you
He slowly brought his hands up to his face and touched his cheek with his fingertips to find tears had already started to run down his face. He had promised himself not to cry while everyone was still there, but now that he was alone, he finally allowed himself to collapse. He sunk to the ground on his knees and buried his face in his hands. He had failed. He had failed to protect the one he valued the most. He had failed to make her the happy girl she could be. He felt helpless, because he could not have his revenge on anybody, so he had to direct his anger to himself. She had chosen her own end.
He sat in the same position for an hour, crying. When he finally felt that he had no tears left, he stood up and decided to walk away. He would return another time, when the memory of the girl who lay here brought a smile to his face, and not these damn tears. When he would come here, he would want to remember the times she smiled, when she hugged him, when she laughed, when she would smirk while playfully torturing her brother. He carefully took the violin from the grave and held it to his chest as he left the cemetery.
Two years later, he entered the cemetery again and went straight ahead. He knew where he had to be. When he halted, he faced a sight that made him smile. There were freshly watered and lush flowers. Like she was buried yesterday. Her brothers had told him they had gone there every day to care for the flowers, replace them and keep the gravestone clean. He himself had not brought anything but a small cactus in a pot. He bent over to put down the cactus. She had liked cacti because of their simplicity and because of the fact that they were dangerous plants for their thorns and sometimes toxic juice. He sighed inwardly, just as she was beautiful, she was a complicated, troublesome creature.
Yes, he would live his whole life missing her, but he felt that the black around him wasn't as dark anymore as it was the past two years…
Okay, so this is my first fanfic in the Naruto Universe... I'd very much like to know whether you like it or not. Reviews with criticism that could help me write is always welcome! Just let me know what I did right or wrong!
Have a very nice evening, day or whatever time zone you're in, dearies
Love, Riley