Life and All Its Expectations, a when calls the heart fanfic

Author's Note: So, a portion of this was written before "My Heart Will Go On", after watching "Heart of a Teacher", and I was tempted to delete it after watching last week, because I loved it so much, even after going through the emotional ringer with it. But a fellow Heartie friend of mine, who loved last week's episode as much as I did, convinced me to finish it as an alternate course of events, but by no means a replacement. So, while waiting for tonight's episode, I managed to finish it. I love Elizabeth and Erin's portrayal of her is so wonderful that I could personally see either course, but this is just the product of my imagination running wild after an episode, which actually happens quite often. So much love to the writers behind the show, however.

If there was one thing that used to aggravate me in Hamilton, even as a child, it was the emphasis on certain expectations of society that were impressed upon young ladies. My father would even joke at times that he knew, from a very young age, that of his three girls, I would be the most independent and resistant to the constrictions of society. Neither of my parents were particularly surprised that, rather than attending galas and courting prospective suitors, I decided instead to further my education and become a teacher. Although they had hoped that I would eventually get it out of my system and return home, marry well, and assume a position in society.

Obviously, their hopes had been dashed when, not only did I not shrink from the challenges presented by the little town out west they had seen me off to with heavy hearts, but I had also never truly looked back. I knew they had been disappointed when I turned down Charles' proposal, but even if my heart had not been completely devoted to another man, I would not have accepted, anyway.

Hamilton was not where I belonged. I would always miss my family and have wonderful memories of my childhood there, but Hope Valley was my home. I had made amazing friends, had a job I loved, began setting up my own home, and of course, I met the love of my life in "one very handsome, annoying" Mountie.

Yet lately, I had begun to wonder if society had everything all wrong. While I would never believe that the worth of an individual was equated to wealth or social standing, were certain rules in place for a reason? And could those reasons be, in part, due to our own weaknesses as human beings? I was really starting to think so, if my own were any indication.

For the most part, I felt my life was dangerously close to perfection, especially with Jack, considering the long road we'd traveled together. After almost losing him to that bout of pneumonia, it only strengthened my resolve to never waste a single moment I had with him. There were still evenings where we would have dinner at Abigail's or the saloon, but more often, we both preferred private dinners at my row house, even if my culinary skills had not expanded much.

Having that privacy had definitely helped us feel more at ease in sharing affection, which had led to more frequent, fuller kisses, and increased comfort in the exchange of touches. That same ease appeared to be seeping into the world outside, as well, with Jack growing bolder with kissing me more openly, and I never felt inclined to stop him.

However, that presented its own set of difficulties. In the past, Jack and I had spoken of the future, and those discussions had planted images firmly in my mind. Evenings spent curled up by a fire together, waking up in that warm feather bed every morning next to him—but for now, we were still parting at the end of the evening, each "good night" taking a little longer, and feeling a lot more difficult. I knew it was silly, since I would see him again in the morning, and I would never dream of pressuring Jack, especially now after everything that had transpired recently…even if we had been courting for the better part of the past two years, almost three.

I couldn't deny, if only to myself, how much I wanted those things, though. And that was something I never imagined myself ever feeling. Before I met Jack, I was certain that I would be just fine living out the life of a school teacher, without the "distractions" of courting or marriage, or even a family someday, if that was not in the cards for me. The hand I was actually dealt from the moment he first walked through the saloon that morning changed my mind forever. Despite our bumpy start, or perhaps even because of it, it set my life on a different course. He challenged me, made me angry, made me laugh, even if I didn't want to—he brought more "me" out of me. He was everything I could have never in a million years found in Hamilton, where independence in a woman was seen as something to be tamed, and it was one of the things Jack said he loved and admired most about me.

In all fairness, I had very little to complain about; I just couldn't understand why Jack and I seemed to be frozen where we were. We loved one another, that much was never in doubt. We had both moved past the long shadow of Charles that had been cast over us, and seemed to be enjoying the increasing closeness that we were sharing. There wasn't a person in town who didn't expect that one day, Jack and I would make our way down the aisle—in particular, those such as Florence and Molly, with their old wives' tale belief in that bouquet toss. And granted, there had been far more important and pressing matters in Hope Valley, especially after the arrival of the railroad company, and in our own lives.

With everything that had been happening lately, between the threat to my career and Jack's sudden loss of his friend, I'd had plenty to keep my mind distracted. Yet, although I understood why he'd been a bit distant since receiving that telegram, I knew there was more to it. He'd been a little off long before that, since turning down the position up north. I never doubted his love for me—he still showed it in everything he did—but at night, after Jack would go back to the jail for the evening and I was left with nothing but my thoughts for company, they would wander. I would sit on my couch or at my desk, writing and thinking back to that day before the flood, when Jack had taken me to that land he'd just bought. I knew it would be a while until he saved up enough money to begin building a house, and just that he had been thinking about it at all should have been enough. I just wished I could shake the feeling I had about the troubled looks in his eyes lately, especially since returning from Doug's funeral.

"I'm not even sure I would want to try navigating whatever is going on in there tonight," Jack's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I turned my head to look at him, seated beside me at the table. There was a hint of a smile touching his lips, but his eyes appeared to be weighed down with concern. "I wasn't just trying to make you feel better. The chicken pot pie really is good tonight."

I gave him a sarcastic glance, but then looked down to my untouched plate. "Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind."

I heard him sigh and felt his hand take mine on the table. "Elizabeth, I know you've had a lot going on lately."

"We both have."

And there it was—that look his eyes, ridden with guilt, that had become all too familiar from the moment Bill handed him that telegram. He sighed and released my hand, setting his fork down on his empty plate and refusing to meet my eyes. "Unfortunately, this is part of what I signed up for, Elizabeth. Not only a risk to my own life, but those of my fellow Mounties as well. But if I hadn't turned down Superintendent Collins' offer…"

"Jack, you don't know that it would have changed anything. You told me that he wasn't the only one to fall up there. You can't blame yourself," I replied, reaching over to place my hand on his knee and watching his come up to cover it. His expression didn't change, however, nor did his fingers wrap around mine as they normally did. I sat back slowly and lifted my napkin from my lap, setting it beside my plate. "You don't, do you? You blame me."

Jack's eyes shot up quickly to meet mine, and to his credit, he looked genuinely stunned by my statement. "What? What are you talking about? Of course, I don't blame you. This was my decision, not yours."

"Made because of me. You said it yourself, you turned down Superintendent Collins' offer because I'm here. You can't tell me that if I wasn't, you wouldn't have accepted that job offer in a heartbeat, without even a moment's hesitation. And you've been so distant at times lately, Jack. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid when you were assigned to Cape Fullerton. I'm holding you back," I replied, unable to fight back the tears forming in my eyes, so I rose to take our dishes to the sink and collect myself.

I heard Jack's chair scrape across the floor and his footsteps moving toward me, and I drew a deep breath before his hands came to my arms to turn me to face him. "Elizabeth, I do not regret choosing to remain in Hope Valley when I was given the option. My work here is no less important."

"I believe that. Really, I do. But when it comes to this, I can see the regret in your eyes. I can hear it in every silence, and feel it every time you pull away when I try to talk to you about it. You didn't even tell me about the offer until you had already sent the letter to decline, and that decision, regardless of what it was, affects both of us," I replied, taking a step back from him.

"I thought you were happy when I told you that I declined the offer," Jack retorted with obvious exasperation.

"Of course, I was. Do I want you to go out there into very clear and present danger? No, I don't. From everything you've told me, and I'm sure even that is an extremely abridged version, it's too dangerous for me to believe there is any reasonable assurance that you would come back to me. I don't want you to go." My breaths were coming fast and heavy, as were my tears, and I lowered myself into my chair again. "But I fell in love with a Mountie. I knew the risks and the dangers, and I chose to take them on. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you, Jack—I can't even imagine it, nor do I want to. I want you to be safe, but that doesn't always come with the territory of the man I love. And whatever decisions there are to be made that affect our future, we should be making them together. I mean, we are in this together, aren't we?"

The worry crease in Jack's forehead deepened as he gazed at me in bewilderment, taking his own seat again beside me. "Of course, we are. I thought I had been making that fairly obvious."

I reached over to take his hand, squeezing it gently, and nodded. "In so many ways, you have. I know you don't go around kissing women at random, and you have been incredibly supportive with everything from the publisher to this mess with Thomas Higgins. Having you behind me meant everything, and I can't imagine how much harder it would have been without you. But when you love someone the way I love you, the support doesn't only go one way. You don't have to carry all of this alone, because I'm here for you. The thought of letting you go terrifies me, because there are no guarantees, but I know that everything happens for a reason. As much as I wish it were otherwise, if this is your destiny, Jack, you have to go."

The way his palm came to cradle my cheek, I knew what was coming before he said anything, and my tears began to flow even more. "Yes, I do."

My eyes pinched closed with his words and I leaned my face into his palm. "You already made up your mind, didn't you? Before I said anything tonight?"

"I hadn't given a definite answer to Collins yet, because I wanted to talk to you first. But yes, I have to do this, Elizabeth. At the very least, I owe it to Doug, but it's also my duty. As you know yourself, there is no such thing as a safe path in what I do," Jack replied, brushing his thumb across the trail of tears rolling down my cheek.

"I know that. I just didn't think that duty would come so soon," I managed to strain out through a tight throat. I took his hand from my face and held it in mine, watching the path of my finger tracing over the back of it. "When?"

Jack drew in a slow breath, and I could feel my heart pounding harder in dread as I waited for his answer. "As soon as I can pack."

"And how long?"

"I don't know. It's an indefinite posting," he answered, clearly bracing for my reaction.

I stood from my chair, frozen in place, and my vision blurred even more. He rose and began to approach me, and my breaths came faster. It was difficult enough for me to imagine a single day without Jack, but to have no way of knowing when or even if I would see him again…

The brave face I'd been trying to keep on for him crumbled and I pulled back from him even more. I meant what I said when I told him I would support him, but I couldn't stop the breaking of my heart, and looking at him was more than I could bear at that moment. I ran for the front door and flung it open, hearing him call my name as I rushed outside. I could see the desperation in his eyes when he spun me around, telling me how much I meant to him, but it was too much to hear just then. "Jack, please, just leave me alone for a little while. Please."

I didn't want to hurt him—that was the last thing I ever wanted to do—but I needed a moment to think, to breathe. To come to terms with the fact that I may never see him again. I ran until I reached the pond and my steps slowed, my eyes scanning over the water's surface. I knelt beside it, with all the memories that resided there rolling through my mind. One of my favorites was our first picnic together there, despite the intrusion of the spider. Looking up at him, I felt my pulse racing, even after I pulled back to situate myself on my side of the boat again. There was no doubt in my mind that my heart already knew I was falling in love with him then, even if my head hadn't caught up with me yet. Now to think that he would be beyond my reach for the foreseeable future was tearing me apart.

My gaze turned to the sky, and even in the dim light of dusk, my eyes burned through my tears as I begged God to bring him back to me.

…

I lost all track of time and the world around me as I sat there, and even as I made my way to the café. I needed the voice of both comfort and reason that Abigail never failed to provide. It was as if she had been waiting for me when I stepped in the back door, and she turned to look at me. She instantly moved toward me and pulled me into a warm embrace.

"Jack's leaving. He's taking the assignment up north," I cried into her shoulder, and I could feel her nod and run her hand soothingly along my back. After a moment, she guided me toward one of the tables, bringing over some tea and scones as I sat down.

"Elizabeth, I know this can't be easy, but you've always known the kind of man Jack is, even if you didn't always like it," she paused and I brought my gaze up to meet hers, and we both gave a teary chuckle.

"I know, and I really do love him for it. And I know it wasn't an easy decision for him, even after Doug. It's been tearing him apart, and he has to do what's right," I replied with more conviction than I had thought I could manage, but my voice began to tremble with emotion. "I just thought we'd have more time before something like this happened. That we'd get to have just a little of that future we talked about first, and we're not even close to that yet. What if we never see it?"

Abigail's hand came up to cover mine on the table and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I know it seems nearly impossible considering all that's happened, but all you can do is have faith. And trust in the greater plan. I truly believe in my heart that the two of you were meant to share many wonderful years together. I've never known two people more perfect for each other than you and Jack, and I have to believe that gift wasn't given without a purpose."

"I just want everything with him, Abigail. The house, a family…a life. I have faith, I just hope it's strong enough to carry me through," I replied, my eyes moving to look at the ceiling and blinking back more tears. "I have to go talk to him."

Abigail stopped me, pulling out a note that Jack had left with her and handed it to me.

I opened it slowly, almost afraid to read what was inside. He wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, would he? No, he couldn't have. My heart pounded in relief at the five words actually written there.

Take a walk with me.

Author's Note 2: As I told my Heartie friend, no way am I touching any part of that proposal. It was so beautiful and I would not change it for anything in the world. It was brilliant. I felt bad enough for messing around with any part of that episode, but like I said, product of my imagination running a bit wild here. Thanks for reading.