Direct to You from the White Padded Room
By Elhwesta
I swear, go through the movie and take a good look. This is so true!! You will never look at
an LOTR picture the same way again!! I would seriously like to thank my friend Stephie
as she is the one who brought this to my attention. Curious yet? On with the fic!!
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR or the characters or ThermaSilk or Paul Mitchell or Psycho
or 7-11 or the Big Gulp or any other trademarked item that somehow snuck its way into
this fic. Heck, I technically don't even own the joke, so don't sue me please!! ^_^
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There were mixed emotions of worry, annoyance, and just plain old curiosity surrounding
the Fellowship as they continued to walk the road to Mordor. They were a week away from
Rivendell, nearing the Misty Mountains, and until then the endless sniggering hadn't
bothered them too much. But after three days, everyone started to wonder what was so
funny.
"All right that's it, I've had it!!" Aragorn, the vein in his forehead ready to burst, threw
up his arms in frustration, and glared angrily at the giggling figure at the back of the
fellowship. "Legolas, just what the hell is so f***in' funny!!?!?!?!?"
Legolas, who was desperately trying to bite his tongue and hold back the sniggers, looked
up to see all 8 pairs of eyes turned on him. With that, he doubled over, laughing hysterically
as tears streamed down his now-purple-due-to-lack-of-oxygen face.
"Who gave him the pipe-weed this time?" Pippin asked, wanting to make sure that none of
the blame for this was steered his direction.
"I don't think it's pipe-weed this time, Pip," Merry said with a weirded out look as he
slowly inched away from the convulsing form of Legolas on the ground.
"Come now, Legolas, this is getting tiresome!! Might you be so good as to tell the rest of
us what you find so amusing!?!" Gandalf's fuse was getting pretty short.
"II can't" Legolas giggled between gasps for air. He looked up to see
Aragorn, standing over him about ready to throttle him. Legolas burst out laughing again
and couldn't stop. Aragorn grabbed him by the collar and dragged him up to his feet,
holding his face about 5 inches away from his own.
"I'll ask you one more timeWhat. Is. So. Funny?!?!"
"You" Legolas strained to get the words out but the hysterics just wouldn't let
him. Finally, gathering what little strength he had left, he cried out, "YOU ALL HAVE
BUTT CHINS!!!!!!" Legolas broke down again and collapsed into a laughing heap.
"WHA~??!!?!!" The rest of the fellowship was shocked, bewildered, and at the very least
confused. *Butt??* After several moments, Boromir was the first to speak up, let
alone regain his ability TO speak.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean, we all have BUTT CHINS?!?!"
"Butbut it's true!!" Legolas laughed, while wiping away the tears and staggering to his
feet. "Look at yourselves, you've all got butt chins!! You know, that little slit that runs
down the middle and makes it look like a butt!!" Laughter overcame Legolas once again as
he explained things to his fairly confused comrades.
The rest of the fellowship turned and looked at/examined each other's faces. There were at
first a few suppressed sniggers, which quickly evolved into an all-out laugh attack. The
hobbits looked like they were having epileptic seizures, Gandalf chortled whole-heartedly,
and Aragorn and Boromir were clutching their sides in pain they were laughing so hard.
The only one not laughing was a rather irritated Gimli.
"Hold on just a friggin' minute!!! Now it's pretty obvious that the hobbits and the men
have butt chins, but how do you justify (A/N: wow, big word for Gimli) that for Gandalf
and me?! We both have beards halfway down our torsos!! You can't tell if we have butt
chins or not!!!"
"Oh, Gandalf does!!" Everyone stopped and stared at Pippin. "You see, one time when
Gandalf was in the Shire, Merry and I went rummaging around in his beard while he was
asleep. So we got a good look at his chin too," Pippin declared with a big triumphant
grin, while Merry pulled a big red squeaky hammer out of nowhere and smote (A/N:
Hehe I like that word. ^_^) Pippin over the head with it.
"And why exactly were you rummaging around in Gandalf's beard?" Frodo asked,
fearing much for the safety of the two, as Gandalf was beginning to hypothetically resemble
Elrond after someone swipped his ThermaSilk.
"We were just curious to see what he hides in there!" Pippin said, pouting about Merry
hitting him. "I mean, think about it, it's even more convenient than the fifth pocket!!" The
fellowship considered this, then turned and took in Gandalf's beard for a moment.
Gandalf's cheeks started to turn pink.
"Wh,what?! Staring is not very becoming you know!! You'll never hook a girl that
way!!" Gandalf stuck up his nose, snapped his head to the side, and gave all those present
a lesson in the ancient art of shunning. The eyes of the rest of the fellowship grew as big as
dinner plates.
"Forget Galadriel, if there's one queen here, it's Gandalf. Not that I really care, just keep
your mitts offa Mr. Frodo."
"Why, thank you Sam, I always knew you cared!" Frodo gave Sam a bone-crushing hug
that Sam unsurprisingly didn't seem to mind. The others then started to consider
whether this was a more private moment and they should vacate the premises, or if Frodo
was really just that naive.
"All right, fine, whatever. But that still doesn't solve the problem of Gimli," Aragorn
pointed out.
"I can fix that." Everyone turned to find Legolas armed with a huge pair of hedge
trimmers and a evil gleam in his eyes that made the Eye of Sauron look like a giant
jawbreaker. "Aragorn, Boromir, your assistance please."
Aragorn and Boromir rolled up their sleeves, grinning evilly from ear to ear. After having it
pointed out that they both had butt chins, they were not about to let Gimli off the hook
without first finding out if he had one of not.
"I got his arms, you grab his feet." Boromir said, casting a side glance at Aragorn.
Aragorn nodded and they both proceeded to tackle Gimli. It was like the Python verses the
Mongoose until Aragorn and Boromir succeeded in wrapping Gimli's arms behind him
around a giant rock.
"All right Paul Mitchell," Aragorn yelled to Legolas, "take it away!" Legolas, wielding
the hedge trimmers like the shower murder scene from Psycho, started chopping huge
pieces of Gimli's beard off.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHmmmmmmmpppppphhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"
Merry and Pippin stuffed an apple into Gimli's mouth as he tried to scream bloody murder.
"Mmpphmphmpphhmphhphhmphphh!!!" came the muffled protesting.
"Well excu~se me if I can't tell the difference between your beard and your nose hair!!"
Legolas yelled back defensively.
Now if it were possible for people to do the nifty anime sweat drop thing, at that moment,
Frodo's would have filled a Big Gulp from 7-11. (A/N: If you don't know what the sweat
drop thing is, you basically have two options available to you: 1) Ignore the sweat drop
thing all together, or 2) Smile and nod your head like you know what's going on, then later
seek out one who truly does and find out. Who knows, it might pique your interest. Or
just leave you even more frightened than you were before, depending on what kind of
maniac you ask. ^_^)
Legolas continued to chop wildly at Gimli's beard while Aragorn and Boromir held him to
the rock. Merry and Pippin became pom-pomless cheerleaders, Frodo looked on with
sympathy for Gimli, while Sam kept sending suspicious glares Gandalf's way. Gandalf,
quickly realizing he had lost control of the group and the situation, sighed, sat down on the
ground, lit his pipe, and took a very long draw from it. Gimli kicked at Legolas's shins,
while attempting to damn him to the halls of Mandos if not for the apple in his way.
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"I dunno, what do you think?"
"It's really hard to tell." Merry and Pippin pushed their fingers against the underside of
Gimli's chin, feeling for a ridge. Poor Gimli was red-faced and misty seeing the huge
chunks of his beard that had been cut off. After Legolas had gotten to Gimli's chin, his
artistic talents took hold, and he cut a portrait of Bill the Pony in Gimli's beard. He even
signed it with a little leaf.
"Feels pretty rounded to me," declared Pippin, whose hand was practically glued to the
underside of Gimli's chin.
"No way, move, let me feel." Aragorn shoved Pippin out of the way with Boromir
following close behind. Aragorn put two fingers under Gimli's chin. "Damn."
Aragorn stalked off feeling a bit perturbed.
"You're kidding," Boromir said in an unbelieving tone as he gave it a try. "How does
THAT work?" Boromir muttered as he went to join Aragorn in his sulking.
"Am I to assume it's Case Closed yet?" Gandalf lazily asked while he awoke from his
weed-induced nap.
"Yep, he's as round as a baby's bottom!" Legolas cheerfully reported, hoping maybe
SOMEONE would have the decency to acknowledge his masterpiece. (A/N: Hey, it's
pretty freakin' hard to cut out a drawing with a pair of scissors, much less hedge trimmers!
I'd ask for some acknowledgement too!!)
Gandalf stared at Gimli with dreary, stoned eyes. "Oh, that's nice, can we go now?"
Gandalf staggered to his feet and started walking. A pouting Legolas picked up a frozen,
traumatized Gimli, tucked him under his arm, and started walking with the others following
suit.
"Um are you just going to leave him like that? How are you planning on unpetrifying
him?" Sam warily asked Legolas, afraid of the response he might receive. And with good
reason too.
Legolas cast Sam a look over his shoulder. "You're the gardener Sam, just lace his food
with Miracle Grow and his beard will grow back in no time. That'll make him better."
"o.O" Sam wasn't entirely sure how this was going to work, but he just said
"to hell with it" and left it at that. The thinking was hurting his brain too much. The
fellowship soldiered on and continued to walk the solemn road to Mordor.
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Epilogue
Later that day, a voice sounding suspiciously like Gandalf's echoed through the foothills of
the Misty Mountains. The citizens of Rivendell were also very startled when they heard that
same echo scream, "GIMLI, WHAT THE F*** HAPPENED TO YOUR
BEARD?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!" during afternoon tea.
(A/N: Well? Well?! Yes, very, thank you. Anyway, how did everybody like it? Is it atleast
a little amusing or am I just wasting my time? If I am, please tell me, so I can know if my
diabolical plot to take over the world is working. ^_^ I guess all I'm basically trying to say
is please review, thank you!!)