A Caskett Carol
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: I found this under my tree. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Rating: K Time: Did you read the title?
I know it's after Christmas, but I've been kicking this idea around for a while and finally got it right.
Ebenezer Castle looked out at the many happy employees of the Marley and Castle Bank, Savings and Loan, and Storm Door Company. However, his eye caught the one member of the company who was definitely not happy. He walked over to the desk of Kate Cratchit, noting that while her hair was a magical chestnut in color and her eyes a sparkling hazel, her lovely lips were set in her usual grimace. He sighed.
As she noticed Mr. Castle approach, she shot to her feet and came to the position of attention. "How may I help you, Mr. Castle?" She barked.
"Please, call me Ebenezer. Or Eb, or Neezer. There's no need to be so formal. May I call you Kate?"
Her glare was slightly off center and the only casualty was a poor poinsettia plant which exploded in flames and died. "I prefer to keep things on a professional level here at the office, sir. And I would prefer if you referred to me as Employee Number 41319, sir."
"Have it your way, 41319, but I was hoping that you would stay for our annual Christmas party. There'll be plenty of free food and drinks, and you know who's responsible for that."
A very, very small hint of a smile formed for a microsecond on Kate Cratchit's lips. "Yes, sir. I came within an ace of foreclosing the mortgage on the Olde Haunt. If that redheaded bitch hadn't interfered, I'd have done it."
Castle was shocked. "41319, please. That's my dear sweet daughter Alexis you're talking about."
"No, sir. It's Ryan's female Irish setter. She ate my homework."
Although Castle had heard that excuse before, he decided to let it pass. "However, just to keep us sweet, the Olde Haunt now supplies us with food and drink for Christmas. And there'll be plenty of fun and merriment."
"Fun and merriment?" Kate said. "Bah! Humbug!" Kate looked around the office. Although there was still fifteen minutes of the workday left, it was obvious the party was starting early. Ryan and his redheaded bitch were already into the Jameson's. Esposito was using his tongue to make the acquaintance of the worm at the bottom of the bottle mezcal. From the looks of it, his girlfriend Lanie would have a good time that night. Not that Kate cared for a good time.
She also heard the sounds of Mr. Marley coming from his office.
"You're teaching youths to learn in the school
"And that the cow jumped over moon
"Teaching youths to learn in the school
"And that the dish ran away with spoon."
Then she heard the soprano of Karpowski join in. She shook her head to clear it of such nonsense.
Her eye caught young Tommy Demming who was obviously waiting to give someone a Christmas goose that night. Perhaps more than one person.
"If you will excuse me, Mr. Castle, I will finish this report and then leave, although I estimate I will have to work three minutes past quitting time."
"Oh, why don't you just leave now?"
"I never leave early." She growled.
And so, three minutes after quitting time, Kate put on her only coat and left. She made her usual stop at Vaughn's Slightly Distressed Food Shop and spoke to the underling on duty. "A container of your best Top Ramen, please."
The man, knowing Kate well, pulled a package of the noodles out from behind the counter. "This one's only tuppence on account of Jerry doing some sort of rope trick on it. But it's first class on the inside still."
Kate nodded and handed the fellow two pennies.
"Merry Christmas," The man said.
"Do you remember what I told you I'd do if you ever said that to me again?" Kate said coldly.
"No."
As quick as a python striking, Kate grabbed the fellow's ear and twisted. "That's what I said I'd do."
She returned to her cold and dreary flat at the Cold and Dreary Arms and went to her cold and dreary kitchen.
She warmed her meal over a hot plate and settled down in front of the telly to see what was on. She went quickly through the Christmas specials until she got to one of her favorite shows, Mythbusters. She loved the show since they always managed to blow something up or burn it down or shoot it full of holes. He didn't quite no why, but that always made her feel better. However, tonight she watched in horror as Adam force fed eight-reindeers rocket fuel she was sure was illegal for humans to consume and should have been illegal to feed to animals. She turned the telly off just as Jamie was finishing the ramp they would use to launch the reindeer and a sleigh into the air.
She decided to go to her cold and dreary bed.
She settled in but before she could fall asleep there arose such a clatter, she rose from her bed to see what was the matter. At once, someone was standing before her.
"Hi, Kid." Said the man.
"Mike Royce? My old training officer from Marley and Castle? What are you doing here?"
"New gig. Tonight, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past. The pay is good, but I'm just temping."
"Why are you here?" Kate demanded.
"Duh? What would the Ghost of Christmas Past be doing?" Mike reached into his pocket and removed a large, hand rolled cigarette. He lit it and inhaled deeply.
"Mike, you shouldn't smoke those things. They reduce your economic potential severely."
By way of reply, Mike blew a cloud of smoke into her face. When he stopped coughing, she saw she was somewhere else entirely.
"Why, we're at my old house in Palo Alto."
"Yeah, Kid, back when you went to Leland Stanford Junior University. Jeez Louise, Kid? Couldn't you have gone to a senior university?"
Kate glared at him, causing half of his cigarette to disintegrate. "What are you? From UC Berzerkley? The school is named after Leland Stanford, Junior."
Kate turned and walked up the stairs and stood on the porch. "Who's that over in the corner of the porch?" Before she could say another word, she was moved to the end of the porch. "Oh my GOD!" She screamed. "It's my best friend Maddy. And she said she was saving herself for marriage."
"Maybe she wasn't saving that part?" Mike said, moving Kate so he could get a better look. "Or that part, or that part, or that part….Maybe she's saving her toes for marriage?"
"What slimy stud is she hooked up with?" Kate demanded.
"It's Josh."
"My boyfriend, Josh? It can't be."
"But it is. He didn't try anything with you, Kid, because he respected your desire to stay pure. But because he was too exhausted from Maddy here to even think about groping your perfect ass." As he said that, he grabbed that perfect ass with both hands.
"That's it, Royce! I'm going to report you."
"Sure, tell them I took you back to the California of your youth and groped you. You'll end up in the old rubber room, Kid, right next to Randle McMurphy."
"What happens to those two?" Kate demanded.
"Maddy marries a tech wizard named Bracken who invents an electrical scooter powered by yard waste. But when he demonstrates it in San Francisco, he's hit by a guy who ran a red light because he heard of a rumor of parking place in the Outer Mission. She's a billionaire widow now. You should have seen the funeral. The whole Silicon Valley was there. It was a total nerdgasm."
"What about Josh?"
"Doctor Josh?"
"Oh, so Josh's dream came true? He went to med school and devoted his life to helping others?"
"No. He's DJ Josh, the Doctor of Love. He broadcasts from a station across the border in Juarez, Mexico with two million watts of rock and roll power. On a good night, they can hear him all the way to Hamilton, Ontario."
"Where?" Kate asked.
"Not important."
Kate found herself inside, watching her younger self dance to That Old Time Rock and Roll."
"Look at you, Kid. You were happy then."
Kate nodded and began to cry. "But then my mother…."
"I know about your mom."
"She dreamed of winning Olympic gold in curling, then just as the team was being picked, she developed an infected hangnail. Her dreams were crushed. She never recovered. She couldn't stand to have anything even near the house that looked or functioned like a broom. You have no idea how many times we were raided the Public Health people. Why, one day a street sweeper drove past our house and she ran out and tried to push it away. I couldn't get her away in time."
"Sure, but you both got your legs defoliated for free. And you have great legs, Kid."
"If you touch them, they'll be calling you Lefty." Kate said quietly.
Mike Royce checked his watch. "Bout time, Kid. Here's looking at you, Kid." He reached over and put a hand rolled cigarette in her pocket. In a puff of smoke, he was gone and Kate was in her bed. She pulled the covers up and tried to go to sleep.
"Wakey, wakey, Kate."
She sat up in bed and looked around. "Roy Montgomery! What are you doing here? You're retired from Marley and Castle."
"Well, Social Security doesn't go as far as I thought it would, so I took this gig as the Ghost of Christmas Present."
Her eyes narrowed. "You're here to give me a present?" Kate knew you didn't get anything for free in this world. TANSTAAFL.
"No, Kate. I'm here to show you the Christmas in the present time."
"But I already know…" Kate began, but found herself in the offices of Marley and Castle. The office Christmas party was in full swing.
"I don't see Mr. Marley anyplace." Kate said.
"Um, he's teaching Karpowski some new Christmas games."
"Monopoly? Chutes and Ladders? Battleship? Reindeer Games?" Kate asked.
"It really has been a long time for you, hasn't it, Kate."
She changed the subject rapidly. "There's Hastings." Kate sniffed. "That skirt is definitely not business attire, not even for casual Fridays." She watched as Hastings danced towards a horizontal stick held by two stock clerks. "What's she doing?"
"It's a dance called the limbo." Roy replied.
"She'll never be able to dance under than bar, it's too low."
"That's the point. How low can you go?"
"Oh, my GOD!" Kate gasped. "She's not wearing any panties. You can see EVERYTHING!" She quickly turned away, but noticed that Roy did not.
Then she caught sight of her friend Lanie. She was wearing a push up bra and Esposito was trying to balance a glass of beer on each of her boobs. He looked very disappointed when he succeeded without spilling a drop on Lanie. At least Lanie handed him a beer. "Maybe later, Big Boy."
"Definitely, chica."
Kate turned and saw Kevin Ryan.
"Looks like Kevin is trying to get his redheaded bitch drunk." Roy said.
"Why would anyone want to get a dog drunk?" Kate asked, somewhat mystified.
"Not the dog, it's Alexis."
"Do you know what will happen if Mr. Castle finds out someone has been fooling around with his daughter?"
Roy shrugged. "No one's ever found out about the Visigoth's Motorcycle Club, the Columbia football team and band, or the…"
"Could we change the subject, please?" Kate asked.
"Sure. Look at Mr. Castle over there. He's not having a good time. He's sitting in his chair by your desk, just staring at it."
"If he tries to smell my chair, I'll hurl." Kate said.
"He cares about you, Kate. You may not see it. You may not be ready to. But he does."
Kate rolled her eyes. "All he wants to see is me naked in his bed. You've seen his pictures on Page Six of the Financial Times of London."
"Well, I tried." Roy said and disappeared. Once more, Kate was alone in her bedroom.
No sooner had her head hit the pillow than she heard a familiar voice.
"Time to get up, Katie."
"Dad? What are you doing here?"
"Doing a favor for a friend, and for my favorite daughter."
"Dad, I'm you're only daughter."
"And that's just one pf the many reasons you're my favorite. But, I'm here as the Ghost of Christmas Future."
"What does that mean?"
"You got into Stanford and you can't figure that out?"
Kate rolled her eyes again. "Okay, you're going to show me my Christmas in the future, okay?"
"You've got it. And now, up, up and away." Nothing happened. "Well, I did always want to try that. This should work."
And in a flash, they were in a cemetery.
"Where are we?" Kate asked.
"The Cold and Dreary Cemetery. You picked it out yourself."
"I picked it out myself? You mean I'm…." Words failed Kate, but she looked at the tombstone before her. It read:
Katherine Houghton Beckett
You could be happy, Kate. You deserve to be happy, but you afraid.
"Ah, there he is. Ebenezer Castle comes to this cemetery every Christmas with his family to visit your grave."
She sees Castle and a number of people approaching her grave. "Wait! The woman with him. That's Mom!" She gasps.
"She was as close as Castle could get to you without it being you. I was shocked when your mother left….That is I will be shocked….Oh, you know what I mean."
"They have children?"
"Both named Kate."
"Who are those other people with Castle?"
"Those are his other wives. He converted to Islam so he could marry every woman who had some connection to you."
"That's Lanie, and Ann Hastings, Tori, the office computer geek, Jordan Shaw, the woman from our Washington, DC office, and….the redhead. That's Meredith, his ex-wife, and the blonde is his other ex-wife. And the office cleaning lady, Victoria What's-her-name. That's far more than the four wives the Prophet allows a man."
"Islam does allow a man as many concubines as he wants, although there was some trouble with the government about that. But, once global warming really kicked in, the Marley and Castle Bank, Savings and Loan and Storm Door Company sold all the storm doors they could. Pretty soon the government had to do as Ebenezer Castle, the storm door king, said."
Jim Cratchit checked his watch. "Well, time for me to be going, Katie. I have to get back to the little woman. She really gets angry if I'm on home on time."
"Wait, I thought you said Mom married Castle?"
"My second wife, Alexis Castle. My, but she is a demanding little minx. For some reason she always wants to do it doggie style. See you, Katie." And he was gone and Kate was in her bed.
She checked the time on the clock by her bedside. Only five minutes had past since she had first gone to bed. However, Kate Cratchit knew exactly what she wanted to do. It took her some time to find some inappropriate clothes, but she managed to stitch the hem of one dress up enough to show off her legs and headed for the office Christmas party."
"Hi, Castle. Looking for someone?" Castle was still sitting by her desk.
"Cratchit! You decided to come?"
"Later, definitely, but first…" She pulled out the hand rolled cigarette Mike Royce had given her, lit in and put it between Castle's lips. He inhaled. A beatific smile formed on his face and he slowly floated upwards until he stopped at the ceiling.
"Wow! This is good stuff." Kate said. She too, inhaled, smiled beatifically and slowly floated to the ceiling, snuggling with Eb Castle.
Several hours later they floated back to the floor and spent to rest of the party teaching each other Christmas games.
And they lived happily ever after.
Author's note: I'm still working on the next Lord and Lady Castle story and I have some ideas for a couple of shorter stories, but we'll have to see if they go from ideas about stories to actual stories.