Title: You know you are addicted to Cyberporn...
Author: Femme4jack
Summary: Oneshot crackfic inspired by Hummergrey's "If and Autobot do NOT do the following" - Prowl discovers fanfiction and trips his logic glitch.
Characters/Pairings: Ensemble
Ratings/Warning: PG-13 (bordering on R) for language, insinuation, and subject matter
Disclaimer: just playing with them.

Ok, this bunny just kept hopping into my office today. My bad.

This is dedicated to Hummergrey and is based on her "If an Autobot do NOT do the following" verse.

::Prime, we have a situation.::

::I'm on patrol, can it wait Prowl?::

::I have already arranged for Bumblebee to relieve you, and Lenox is coming as well. You will likely run into him on the way.::

::Right. I'll give him a ride to speed things up.::

Prowl sighed and looked again at the list that had recently appeared on his desk.

"These humans never cease to confound me with their illogical behaviors and ridiculous imaginations. Our interfacing methods are completely incompatible with their mating practices. How could they not understand that?"

Prime walked in a few minutes later with Lenox on his shoulder.

"What is the emergency?" he inquired, sounding exhausted.

Prowl handed Prime the data pad. Prime held it so Lenox could read as Prowl explained, "Our introduction to the public at large, along with the cartoon, documentary movies, and toys you approved in order to fund the Arc project have led to some unintended results. It appears that many of the women on base, as well as some of the men, have long been engaged in reading and or writing erotic stories with Cybertronians, real and imagined, as the main characters. Once the secrecy act was lifted, some of them began posting the stories on the World Wide Web. The practice has gone viral and has become a world-wide underground phenomenon. I may not have stumbled on it if I hadn't come across this list on the human server."

You know you addicted to Cybertronian Porn when

1. Your spouse/partner/lover has to make transformation noises to get your attention.
2. Your spouse/partner/lover has to make transformation noises to get your attention, and it works.
3. You get hot every time you see a bright yellow vehicle, even a school bus.
4. Having never had any remote interest in hot sports cars before, you are driven to distraction noticing every single one on the highway, and are being reckless trying to catch up and look.
5. Your kids keep complaining about finding their transformers in your room.
6. Your kids buy you a Bumblebee w/ Sam for mothers day, you're ecstatic, and tell them they can't play with it because it is your "special"
7. Words like "interface" "cable" "optics" "armor plating" "protoform" "sensors", and "wires" are the sexiest words you can imagine.
8. You have to fight the temptation to grab car butts when around colleagues, family members, well...everyone.
9. You now pronounce "Starscream" as "Stars Cream"
10. You can't listen to jazz without thinking of police cars, and you can't look at a police car without wanting to listen to jazz.
11. You are regularly getting less than 6 hours of sleep per night and have a permanent kink in your neck from reading your laptop in bed.
12. You keep asking your kids if they want to watch Transformers or ROTF for movie night. And they keep wondering why the family is suddenly having so many movie nights.
13. Every time your kids ask if they can watch one of the Transformers movies, you answer "yes" without hesitation, even if you need to leave for work/school in 15 minutes.
14. The truck stop and the truck weigh station are suddenly two of the sexiest places you could ever imagine.
15. You find yourself caressing your minivans steering wheel, and quietly asking if he'd mind finding a new alt form.
16. You suddenly feel incredible guilt about how you treat your car, and promise to give him a bath on the next sunny day and to quit letting the kids eat inside.
17. You really want your seat belt to give you a hug when you've had a bad day.
18. The names "Spike" and "Sparkplug" sound unbelievably kinky and suggestive.

Prime's frown continued to deepen as he finished the list. Will sounded as though he were choking, but kept a straight face when Prowl growled at him.

As Prime came to the end of the list, his eyes flashed red and growled dangerously "Spike and Sparkplug?"

"Characters in that cartoon you approved, based on Sam and Mikaela. It may have been a mistake to allow Sideswipe to be the principle writer for the show. You did know those are the Cybertronian nicknames that he gave them several years ago?"

"I thought being the writer would give him a creative outlet to keep him out of trouble, but those names are absolutely obscene! I can't believe Bumblebee allows it!" Prime responded while Will continued to make strange choking noises through his nose.

"For some reason, Bumblebee refers to them by those names as well, " Prowl continued after another glare at Will. "As appalling as that is, don't you think we have more important things to worry about? Humans, including many on base, are apparently writing pornography about our interfacing habits, and have some very illogical ideas. They even have stories about us seducing and interfacing with members of their species. This is catastrophic for our public image, Prime!"

"Apparently?" Asked Will, trying desperately to keep a straight face. "You haven't actually read the stories, Prowl?"

"Reading their summaries was enough to trip my logic glitch once today. I do not dare investigate further. That is why I called both of you. " Prowl replied sullenly.

Prime vented, and taking a moment to calm his circuits. "We will have the rest of the senior officers investigate and determine how much damage has been done to our reputations," Prime calmly stated. "I want a report in 30 minutes with links to the 4 most popular websites. We will divide the reading between Ironhide, Elita, Ratchet and myself. Will, you will assist Prowl in determining which sites will be the most fruitful for investigation. Unfortunately, now that we are finally in the open, no one has the authority to shut these sites down. We will instead need to determine a damage control plan in order to protect and rebuild our reputations. I never thought I would rue the day that we could finally exist in the open on this world."

Prime turned his gigantic head toward the human on his shoulder, regarding him piercing optics. "Will, I must ask, did you have any knowledge of this practice?"

Will looked down as his feet, refusing to meet either of the mech's optics.

"Will?" Prime repeated.

"You might want to ask Sarah, Mikaela, and Maggie for reading recommendations. I think they were the start of the whole thing. But do NOT under any circumstance tell them that I told you. I value my life. And take it easy on them, big guy. Reading and writing erotic fanfiction, according to Sarah, is popular and common among intelligent women, and has some very positive side effects for those who love them. "

Prime found himself silently fascinated. Who knew? "Thank you for your honesty. Will, Prowl, that will be all."

Prime lifted Will from his shoulder and deposited him on Prowls desk, departing without another word, lost in thought. It was going to be a long afternoon.