Author's Note: My Hufflepuff Husband is to blame for this ridiculous story. It is not meant to be serious or true to canon in any galaxy, near or far. I'm going to mark this as a crossover, but only barely. I hope you laugh as much as I did while I was writing this.
An Unexpected Twist
"Harry Potter, we meet for the final time!" Voldemort said, pacing in front of his army of Death Eaters.
"Hah! Are you sure about that, Morty?" Harry replied, his face turned up in a haughty smirk.
"Morty? Are you referring to me?" Voldemort's red eyes narrowed in annoyance as he pointed to himself somewhat theatrically with his wand.
"Well, to be honest, it was a toss up between that and Tommy-Boy, but I figured that only a few people would get the reference." Harry twirled his wand and sneered.
Nearby, Ron snickered loudly and high-fived Harry while Hermione reinforced her Shield Charm, her lips twisting upward as she tried not to laugh.
"I shall overlook your Gryffindor foolishness and give you one final chance, Harry Potter," Voldemort replied, annunciating the name of The Boy Who Lived slowly as he raised one clenched fist into the air, "Join me, and we shall rule the Wizarding World together!"
"But my Lord!" Bellatrix Lestrange whined, pulling on Voldemort's robes with a look of confusion, "Didn't we need to kill him to ensure that the prophecy never comes to pass?"
Voldemort stroked his hairless chin and patted her on the head patronizingly.
"Indeed," he said, his voice growing deeper than usual, "But even you must admit that the snark is strong in this one. He could prove very useful to our cause."
"My Lord knows what is best," Bellatrix purred, rubbing against Voldemort's touch like a cat.
"I'll never join you!" Harry cried out, causing Voldemort to turn his head with a jerk. "You're the reason that people I love are dead!"
"Yes...that is true," Voldemort said, pressing his fingers together in front of his lips, a pensive expression in his eyes, "However, even you must admit when you are outnumbered. If you join me, I could promise not to kill your friends. I could even become a mentor...like the father you never had."
"Never!" Harry shouted vehemently, "You killed my father!"
Voldemort's face was impassive, but his eyes flashed as he pointed at Harry.
"No, Harry," he said, his voice almost a growl, "I am your father!"
"Well you-what?! Wait...really?" Harry cried out, utterly shocked.
For a long moment, nobody moved.
Finally, Voldemort rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.
"No, not really," he said coldly, his wand arm flying out to point it at Harry. "Avada Kedavra!"
"Expelliarmus!" Harry shouted, the spell flying from his lips from obvious long-practiced habit.
The green stream of deadly light rebounded and hit Voldemort squarely in the chest. He fell to the ground in a heap, his red eyes growing dull and lifeless in seconds. Moments later, as their shock and disbelief turned to panic, the Death Eaters began to scream and scattered off into the treeline, loud pops signalling their escape.
Only Bellatrix remained, falling to her knees and pulling Voldemort's slack, snake-like face to hers, stroking his cheek as she crooned brokenly at him.
"My..my Lord!" she sobbed. "I would have done anything...anything...for you!"
She raised her wand into the air and said something in an ancient tongue that did not sound like any language spoken by a human being. Flames sprung around them in a circle rising up around them in a stream of rainbow fire. She kissed the corpse's forehead, saying something that no one could hear due to the rising roar of flame. The last that anyone saw of Bellatrix Lestrange and Voldemort was their charred silhouettes through the pillar of fire before it burned down and all that was left was a circle of ash.
"Say," Harry said, turning to his friends with a frown, "Is it possible that it's true? That Voldemort is...er...was….?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Harry!" Hermione retorted, placing her hand on his shoulder, "Everyone says that you look just like James Potter, even Snape, who hates your guts!"
"Do not bring me into this, Miss Granger," Snape said, crossing his arms.
"What?!" Ron cried out, "But I thought you were dead!"
"Apparently, you were wrong, but then again that is your most memorable speciality," came the snarky reply. "And yes, Mr. Potter, you are obviously your father's son, as much as I hate to admit it. After all, your vault would not have been available to you if that...menace...hadn't claimed you as his own!"
"But then...why would Voldemort…?" Harry muttered, resting his head in his hands.
"Simple, Potter," Snape replied, rolling his eyes, "The Dark Lord is an accomplished liar and though he eschews most Muggle conventions, he's secretly a massive fan of Star Wars."
Harry looked up abruptly, recognition flashing in his green eyes.
"You mean...he-?"
"Yes, Mr. Potter. The Dark Lord dragged me to fifteen showings of Empire Strikes Back. It was his favorite, apparently. Bellatrix was insanely jealous once she realized he'd taken me to the cinema, though I am still not certain that she ever really understood what a cinema is."
"Mr. Potter? What is he talking about?" Minerva had her wand trained on the surly ex-Headmaster, her eyes suspicious behind her spectacles.
"It's all right, Professor McGonagall, he was doing it all under Dumbledore's orders," Harry replied, "I saw his memories...I...I understand everything."
"Oh, do be quiet, Mr. Potter!" Snape snapped, rolling his eyes even more theatrically than before, "Next you'll be simpering on and on to anyone who will listen about how I'm secretly your fa-!"
Snape's mouth snapped shut and he clapped his hands over it as well. It was as though he was vainly trying to take back the confession that had sprung from his mouth.
Harry's eyes bulged and Hermione squeaked loudly with shock as Ron began to go a rather sickly shade of green.
"Is...is it true?" Harry asked, his voice hoarse.
All eyes were on the tall, lean form of the sallow-faced Potions master, whose face was even more pale than usual as his mouth silently opened and closed like a fish out of water.
"What I meant to say was...er...I mean...I didn't...I never...I-" Snape sputtered, stepping away from Harry slowly.
"TELL ME!" Harry shouted, stepping forward, his hands tightly balled into fists at his sides.
"I…." Snape's eyes narrowed and he suddenly shouted "JAR JAR BINKS WAS THE BEST CHARACTER EVER!"
"WHAT?!" Harry cried, his eyes flashing with anger. "You take that back RIGHT NOW!"
"I thought Jar Jar was funny, though," Ron said, nibbling at his lower lip, "He injected comedy into an epic and serious plotline."
"Well, in my personal opinion," Minerva said, crossing her arms, "I think that they should have focused more on the female characters, as it is very obvious that Princess Amidala was rather badass and should not have been reduced to eye candy and a convenient plot moving device."
"What about Darth Maul?!" came Fred's faint voice from the Great Hall. "His stupid, pointless death after only five seconds of fighting was enough to make me want to throw up!"
"My thoughts exactly!" George's voice floated out from the Great Hall moments later.
An uproar of varying argumentative voices began to rise through the Order and assorted students who had stayed to fight at the Final Battle.
"You guys!" Hermione shrieked over everyone else, frowning until she seemed to realize something and then pointing at her throat, casting the Sonorous charm. "YOU GUYS!"
Everyone stopped talking abruptly and turned to look at her.
"You guys can't have opinions on the Phantom Menace!" she shouted, her hair flying around her face like a horde of angry brown snakes as she kept her hands firmly on her hips. "First of all, most of you are not at all familiar with muggle popular culture and secondly, Phantom Menace does not come out for two more years!"
Everyone gasped, realizing the truth of Hermione's words.
"Wait...where did Snape go?" Harry asked confusedly, running his hand through his messy hair as he looked around the spot where the man was no longer standing.
With a small pop, Dobby appeared next to Harry.
"The Dagobah system is where scary professor goes," the diminutive house elf said, wringing his large, bat-like ears, "A relative with green skin, there lives."
"That doesn't make any sense!" Hermione said, tearing at her hair. "Dobby, you're supposed to be dead! And wizards don't engage in space travel! Besides, even if we ignore all of that, everyone knows that Yoda dies in the third film, which came out ages ago!"
"Don't rain on my parade, Hermione!" Harry said angrily. "I need to find out the truth, and I'm not going to stop searching until I do!"
"FINE!" Hermione shouted, pulling out her wand and pointing it at her hair until her hair had been drawn up in twin cinnamon roll shapes, "But you're not going without me! Ron, assist me!"
"Sure thing!" Ron cried out, pulling out his wand.
"One...two...three!" Hermione cried.
"Milleniumus Falconitidus!" they shouted together, creating a giant spaceship that hung in the air over the Black Lake.
Harry, Hermione and Ron climbed into the spaceship and waved out the window of the cockpit to Minerva, who gestured to the Giant Squid. With a loud bellow, the great beast flung the spaceship into the sky at such a high velocity that it was a mere speck in the sky in moments.
"Well, that was rather anticlimactic and probably violates at least fifty copyright laws, but the Nargles certainly seem to like it," Luna said thoughtfully as Neville slid the Sword of Gryffindor back into the Sorting Hat with a shrug.
"I'm just glad that they've successfully extracted themselves from our franchise," Neville replied, "because the last thing I want to worry about is having to fight in some ridiculously dangerous space war where I'll be forced to play an unnamed X-wing pilot who dies as a ploy to make the Rebel Alliance more sympathetic to the viewer."
Seamus and Dean nodded in unison as Lavender sighed with relief.
Everyone walked back to the castle, leaving Ginny staring up at the darkening sky, the stars coming out one by one.
"Come back soon, Harry," she said, tears running down her cheeks. "You're my only hope...to get my mother off my back regarding potential future grandchildren! I hope you finally get to the bottom of the mystery regarding your real father!"
And, in a galaxy far, far away, Harry was doing exactly that.