Author: J.J.
Warning: It's BASED ON THE MANGA and it's placed just after the 'Tsuzuki & Hisoka's Shikigami Series'. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom)...
Notes: This work is based on the manga. However the manga didn't say much about Tsuzuki's past so I made most of it up. Only Matsushita Sensei knows the truth and I hope she will share it with us soon.
Disclaimer:
"Yami no Matsuei" belongs to Matsushita Yoko. I'm merely using her characters because I love them... especially Touda, Tsuzuki and Hisoka...
Ehy, Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Thanks: To Watanabe Emi for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Hisoka tries to understand Tsuzuki, Tsuzuki tries to sort out his life.
"E tu, tu guardi ma non vedi
Che Х finita e tra le dita non ci sono che fotografie.
Un azzurro scalzo in cielo,
Il cielo matto di Marzo
E di quel nostro incontro al centro.
Tu, poggiata sui ginocchi,
E gli occhi tuoi per sempre nei miei occhi."
("And you, you look but you don't see
That it's the end and between your fingers there's nothing else but photos.
A pale blue in the sky,
The foolish sky of March
And of our meeting in the centre of the city.
You, leaning on your knees,
And your eyes forever in my eyes.")
(Claudio Baglioni - "Fotografie")
1999 - Meifu
One of the things Hisoka liked the most was helping Tsuzuki organize his closet. Not that he would ever admit it to anyone.
The first time it had happened, it had been by accident. Hisoka happened to end up in Tsuzuki's house while the man was organizing it. Tsuzuki didn't ask him to help, it just... happened.
From then on, every time Tsuzuki mentioned he planned to put some order into his closet, Hisoka made sure to happen to end up at Tsuzuki's house.
Tsuzuki would chat with him and Hisoka would help him clean and organize his belongings and at the same time studying them, trying to sort them out as if they were a key to understanding his partner.
Tsuzuki's closet was, after all, an open door to a side of Tsuzuki that Hisoka had never known.
The first thing that would meet his gaze in Tsuzuki's closet were the books.
Lots of them.
Hisoka would have never suspected Tsuzuki to actually own books. Of course they weren't novels or literary classics like the ones Hisoka owned. The majority of them were Jujutsu books, some of them so complex Hisoka couldn't understand what they were saying at all, each of them with the borders of the pages filled by notations written in Tsuzuki's calligraphy, then there were some cooking and gardening books. Nearly each book had been a present. Nearly each book had a dedication written on its second page. Some were just standard dedications, some others were almost short letters. Tsuzuki said that the dedications made him happy each time he opened one of the books. Hisoka had the impression some of the Jujutsu books should have been quite expensive, maybe even rare. Tsuzuki said it didn't matter to him. Their value was in the silent affirmation of the affection of the people who gave them to him and in the help their spells had given to him.
Then there were the postcards.
They were all inside a large box and there were so many and from so many places that Hisoka, who never received any mail unless they were bills, had been impressed.
There were also some letters.
Not really many and they looked old. Tsuzuki explained it, saying he wasn't the writing type and preferred to use the phone to communicate.
A bunch of old child's drawings smeared with blood was always kept in the same corner.
Tsuzuki said they were the memory of an old case. Hisoka didn't feel like pushing for information.(1)
A carillon containing old butterfly shaped female hair accessories was hidden inside a box.
Tsuzuki was always very evasive whenever Hisoka tried to ask about it and got nervous every time the carillon was brushed as if he feared Hisoka would break it but didn't dare to say it out loud.
There was a Katana, beautiful, almost ancient looking, leaning against a wall.
Hisoka was sure it had a great value. Tsuzuki had let him hold it, try it out and even offered to give it to him. Its owner had been Tsuzuki's first partner and in Tsuzuki's opinion the man would have been happier if someone who knew how to use it kept the katana. Hisoka had never dared to accept it. It wasn't just because it was simply too precious. Tsuzuki, who knew nothing about how using it, had poured so much care in taking care of it Hisoka understood that for the man it was more than a sword of money value. It was a memory of a friend long dead. When he had refused Tsuzuki had given him a strange smile and Hisoka had felt unnerved even if he had no idea why.
Assorted clothes were also stored in the closet.
They were of no interest for Hisoka. They said nothing new to him.
Some stuffed animals watched whoever opened the closet's door from a shelve.
Hisoka remembered some of them had belonged to Kazusa. A worn out old teddy bear with a ribbon around his neck was always placed in the middle of them as if he needed to be surrendered with company. Tsuzuki always patted it affectionately with a sad smile on his lips when he had finished organizing.(2)
Some well-cleaned trophies rested on the same shelf as the stuffed animals.
Hisoka had been surprised by their presence. Tsuzuki told him they were for some Jujutsu competitions that happened every ten years in Meifu in Enma DaiOh-sama's honour. Tsuzuki had dismissed them as not really important but Hisoka had sensed the pride the man felt for them. For some reason those competitions had meant more to Tsuzuki than the Kyudo one.(3)
Assorted items Hisoka wouldn't have expected Tsuzuki to possess were arranged casually in the place.
Almost all of them had belonged to someone else and Tsuzuki had kept them as reminder of their owners.
A good amount of records was standing in a corner.
Records of various genres, also with classical music. Sometimes, when Tsuzuki was in a really good mood he would play one on an old record player and hum the music while listening to it. Sometimes he also sang. Each music gave Tsuzuki a different feeling and Hisoka would stare at him and wonder what was going on in his mind. They didn't talk about what the records meant for Tsuzuki and Hisoka never sang along or hummed. He didn't like it much when Tsuzuki put a record on. The music helped Tsuzuki to lose himself in his own world and if he hummed or sang he didn't talk to Hisoka. Hisoka had the impression Tsuzuki knew and tried to avoid doing it and yet, listening to music while organizing that closet should have been a ritual for him, one he was giving up only to please him. It made him felt guilty and so he tried his best to not show that it bothered him to be so close to Tsuzuki and yet feel so distant.
Lastly, there was the photo album.
It was an old photo album and didn't contain all the photos Tsuzuki had, only a selection of them, chronologically arranged. The other pictures were bound with ribbons and preserved in boxes. Hisoka had seen them all. Hisoka had no idea why some pictures had made it into the photo album and the others had not. Tsuzuki had left out many wonderful photos and inserted others that were ruined or ripped or unfocused or in which the subject had moved or that presented other problems.
Many photographs were in black and white, or sepia-coloured.
The first ones were... unusual. They had been taken during the first year Tsuzuki spent in Enma-Cho. They showed Tsuzuki and another man. Tsuzuki had told him that the man was his first partner, Natsume Sempai.(4) The man showed up in an awfully big number of photos. The pair looked odd in Hisoka's eyes in those first pictures. The man was smiling, the same way Tsuzuki did now, an arm around Tsuzuki's shoulders while Tsuzuki... he was just staring at the camera, not smiling, not frowning, just staring as if he wasn't really there. When Hisoka had asked Tsuzuki why he wasn't smiling Tsuzuki had simply replied he didn't feel like it. Hisoka always stared at those pictures trying to figure out what secrets were hidden behind Tsuzuki's lack of smile. He never found an answer.
In the following ones, Tsuzuki smiled. At first there were tiny, shy smiles then they developed into the happy grin Hisoka was familiar with, and in some, some he really liked, there wasn't that hated shadow of pain that now was always present hidden in Tsuzuki's eyes.
The following ones also started showing more people.
In one there was Tsuzuki with his first partner, Konoe Kacho, the division doctor whom Hisoka had seen only after the Kyoto incident and another man, an Akuma Baraishi like Tsukiori(5), all drinking sake. They were all in a good mood and smiling at the camera like a happy group of friends.
Some showed Tsuzuki with his Shikigami. There were group pictures showing among them Tsuzuki in-between a serious looking SoRyu and a beautifully dressed Suzaku; Tsuzuki playing with SoRyu's children; Tsuzuki, Touda, Byakko, Rikugo and Kijin caught while they were together and even one with Tsuzuki and Touda sleeping back against back, looking as innocent as two children. Tsuzuki looked very happy in them.
Another photo showed Tsuzuki with a girl he called Rei-chan and that had been his second partner.
Tsuzuki was eating an ice cream while she was eating potato chips. Hisoka knew about her. Her full name was Kuroyuri Reiko. Besides Tsuzuki, there were very few people who could get along with her. She was bossy, rude and very confident of her own ability. Rumours said that there had been something between her and Tsuzuki but he hadn't been able to sense more than brotherly affection between them. They still called each other by first name. He had wondered if, in the past, things had been different between them, if in the past there had been something more and had stopped doing so after he had sawn that photo.
They really looked more like siblings than anything else.
Then there was a picture of Tatsumi-san and Tsuzuki.
Tsuzuki looked in it less comfortable than he was now around the secretary, as if his cheerfulness was forced and Tatsumi-san too looked tense. When Tsuzuki had caught Hisoka staring at that picture with a frown he had simply said that it had been taken in a bad time.
Afterwards there was a very ruined photo of Tsuzuki with a boy a year or two older than Hisoka.
They were both laughing. Tsuzuki was very evasive about him and always became sad when he saw that photo. Tatsumi-san had told Hisoka that the boy had been one of Tsuzuki's partners. He had died when the atomic bomb had fallen on Nagasaki. Tsuzuki had always felt responsible for it even if he had no reason to.
There were other photos, showing other Shinigami who had been partnered with Tsuzuki, names Hisoka had never heard and that had left the division long before he joined.
There was a photo of Tsuzuki with a beautiful looking girl.
That one looked like the picture of two fiancИs. Tsuzuki said that she had been one of his partners and yes, there had been something between them. Hisoka had felt a sense of annoyance when Tsuzuki admitted it. Their partnership had been broken when she had asked to be transferred to America. Honestly, she had expected Tsuzuki to leave with her but Tsuzuki had refused. He said he didn't feel like leaving Japan. Hisoka knew Tsuzuki was keeping a lot of things from him but he didn't really want to push the subject. He hated that picture. There was such a look of intimacy between Tsuzuki and that girl, the way their gazes meet, how their fingers intertwined; he couldn't help but be... bugged. He loved that picture also. Tsuzuki's smile was just so sweet he... That girl had been partnered with Tsuzuki for one month only. He often wondered how she managed to get under his skin so fast. He often wondered if he would be able to...
There were other photos of course and they were almost all shining in their full colours. The more he progressed the more he met familiar faces. Kannuki-san for example. Hisoka wondered once what would Terazuma-san think of a certain photo in which she was laughing with Tsuzuki, Kuroyuri-san and Natsume-san as she leaned on Tsuzuki's arm. Tsuzuki usually looked at that photo with fondness. It had been taken during one of the Jujutsu competitions and apparently Tsuzuki valued it as one of his happiest moments. Apparently, it had been looked at a lot before being placed in that album because it was almost worn away.
Then the familiar faces started showing up always more often. Watari-san, Tsukiori, Fukiya-san, the girls from the Hoan-Ka, Torii-san, even Terazuma-san.
In the photo Tsuzuki had, he and Terazuma-san were both staring at something on the desk, apparently a report. The photo was slightly out of focus. Terazuma-san shouldn't have gotten his Shikigami yet since he didn't wear those marks on his face.(6) Hisoka had pondered over the oddity to see Tsuzuki and Terazuma-san standing one next to the other quietly, watching something, Tsuzuki wearing that serious expression he had only when something was up.
There was another group picture with Tsuzuki, Natsume-san, Tatsumi-san, Konoe Kacho, Kannuki-san, Terazuma-san and two other Shinigami Hisoka didn't know while they were at the beach.
It was a horrible picture, out of focus and decentred, carrying signs of water exposition and with a ripped corner. The people in it hadn't managed to put themselves in pose yet and they were moving, or wearing funny faces or looking elsewhere.
It had been taken during one of the office vacations and that was all Hisoka could find out about that picture. It was the last picture in which Natsume-san showed up.
The last bunch was recent enough for Hisoka to know when they had been taken.
He also figured in them.
There was a photo of their trip in Hokkaido and one of the travel in Okinawa.(7)
A photo in which he looked at the camera grumpily, Tsuzuki right behind him, hands on his shoulders.
Another one with them in Kacho's office.
One had been taken in GenSoKai, with Tsuzuki with one arm around his shoulders and the other around Touda's, smiling between the two of them like a child who'd just got his favourite cookie.
That one had a burned corner due to an argument between Suzaku and Touda.
Came to think Tsuzuki was never alone in the photos he kept in that album. He might have been with people Hisoka didn't know, with his Shikigami or with previous partners or workmates, but never alone.
And then there was the photo that should never be touched or seen.
It was hidden under the cover and the first time that Hisoka had noticed the picture's corner showing under it and had tried to take it out from its hideout, Tsuzuki had asked him to leave it where it was.
Hisoka hadn't understood why but had obeyed. It shamed Hisoka to admit that one day his curiosity had got the best of him and he had looked at the picture when Tsuzuki wasn't looking.
The photo was old, worn out and even had a ripped corner. It seemed to have faced a lot of misadventures. Tsuzuki wasn't in it. It portrayed two teenagers, a male and a female, around Hisoka's age or maybe a little older and looked so much alike that they had to be siblings, maybe even twins. They were both wearing a Yukata and it looked like they were at some sort of Matsuri. They were holding hands and smiling with such happiness Hisoka didn't believe it was possible for a human to reach. The world paled around them as if they were the centre of the universe and their only sun. There was something special in the way they were holding each other's hand as if there was a connection between the two deeper than any human bond. Or maybe Hisoka was simply reading too much in that simple gesture and happy smile.
Hisoka had no idea who they were. He suspected they were related to Tsuzuki because they bore a strong resemblance with him. Younger siblings maybe?
He had never dared to ask but he had often wished Tsuzuki would, one day, talk to him about the mysterious picture, show it to him and tell him its secret. He had also wished he could be brave enough to confess he had looked at it but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He hated the idea of seeing Tsuzuki disappointed in him or even hurt by his lack of respect for his partner's privacy.
He had never meant to be invasive. He had just wanted to know, to know those sides of Tsuzuki that the man wished to hide, to know everything of his partner, to know so he could be of some help, to be the only one who knew so he...
He always felt depressed when it was time to close the photo album and hid it back in the closet again; with him still unable to unravel the mysteries it hid. He always told himself the next time he would manage to do it. He knew he wouldn't, not unless Tsuzuki would help him. He knew he couldn't ask, his pride getting the best of him. He knew Tsuzuki wouldn't offer. He knew the situation wouldn't lead him anywhere. What he didn't know was how to solve this little matter...
After they finished organizing the closet, Tsuzuki would offer him tea or a cold lemonade, depending if they were in winter or summer and a slice of cake. Hisoka would always accept the drink and refuse the cake. They would talk, talk of unimportant matters, or better; Tsuzuki would talk and Hisoka would listen with an apparently bored expression on his face but in truth not losing a single syllable. Then, at a proper hour Hisoka would stand and leave, to return to his own empty house and as soon as he was in, he would water the plants Tsuzuki had given him.(8)
It was a ritual to him.
Sometimes he and Tsuzuki would eat together. Recently more often than before.
Hisoka didn't really like doing it.
It was always harder to leave Tsuzuki after being with him for so long. It left him wishing madly he could ask Tsuzuki if he could stay with him a bit longer and that wasn't something he would allow himself to do. He wasn't a child and was way more comfortable alone. It wasn't like he was scared of loneliness, darkness and other things. It wasn't like he...
After Hisoka had left his house Tsuzuki would stop smiling.
He would lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling replaying in his mind all that had happened in his life.
Organizing the closet to him meant to try to put order in his past, to find a way to reconcile with it.
Tatsumi disapproved of it. In Tatsumi's opinion, Tsuzuki should get rid of all those worthless things he kept, sell the ones who had some money value and start a new page of his life.
Tsuzuki couldn't.
His past was always right behind him, haunting him with beautiful and terrible memories.
Tsuzuki knew he didn't really need a closet to keep it in; his past was all in his mind. The closet was merely a way to exorcise it.
He'd been confused when Hisoka showed interest in his closet. He had let him stuck his nose in it, trying to rearrange it, pretending it didn't matter but in truth he was deadly scared of what Hisoka could discover. He was probably overreacting. To Hisoka his closet was likely nothing more than a closet. Yet he could sense the boy's curiosity, he could sense it even without being an empath.
Hisoka was searching in Tsuzuki's closet for the key to understanding Tsuzuki. Tsuzuki hoped he would never find it.
The boy had no idea how close to it he was, how amazingly close to it he had been when he had noticed that hidden picture in that photo album. Tsuzuki knew he should keep it better hidden. He wondered often if he left it here in the secret hope someone, one day, would...
He knew Hisoka had seen it. He pretended he hadn't noticed but he knew. He had also realized with a mix of relief and disappointment that the boy hadn't understood what the photo was.
He often told himself that it was better this way. He wasn't sure if he believed it.
At this point he would always stand, pick up the photo album and free the photo from its hideout.
He would stare at it, stare at it for hours, tracing each line with his eyes lost in the contemplation of the happiest moment of his life, in the last happy moment of his life.
He had troubles recognizing himself in that picture. The happily smiling eighteen-year-old that was holding Ruka's hand couldn't be him.(9) That boy had hopes, the will to live. He had nothing of it.
He hated the Asato that didn't know his pain. He was jealous of him, of his joy, his will to live.
That boy still believed that there could be happiness, he hadn't seen all his hopes being crushed yet, he hadn't seen his most important person dying without being able to do nothing else but watch yet, he hadn't spent eight years trying to destroy himself yet, he hadn't awoken to discover that the only way to have his wish fulfilled was to accept to kill for Enma DaiOh-sama yet.
He couldn't recognize himself in that boy. That boy... was just another person.
Ruka he could recognize quite clearly, though. She would be always like that for him, forever frozen in that moment of her life in which her beauty was blossoming and all the doors were ready to be opened for her. She would always be perfect, loving and charming. She would always been the only person who had known him, loved him, understood him, accepted him for what he was.
She was the one who could see the darkness in his soul and not scream in horror.
The darkness had burned her in the end. He'd been left alone with his memories and his pain trying to sort them out, trying to find a sense in what had happened to him. Alone in his task until a stubborn boy who would be forever trapped in his teenage years had decided he wanted to know them, to help to sort them out.
Did he want Hisoka to help?
Yes, desperately.
No, not at all.
Two different wishes, two perfectly opposite wishes.
The boy he had been wanted to be acknowledged, wanted to be helped.
The man he was preferred to hide, preferred to handle things on his own.
He had no idea which of the two would win in the end, which of the two would get his wish.
To change or not to change, to risk or not to risk, he had never been good at making this sort of decision. He could only hope Hisoka would wait, would still be around when he would make a decision, no matter which one because... because there wasn't much point in making either decision if Hisoka wasn't around...
And maybe, once he had chosen, he could start to live again, they could start to live again...
"Vivi eravamo come aria semplice
Vivi eravamo come fuoco giovane a cuore nudo
Vivi eravamo come acqua umile
Vivi come terra fertile
Vivi torneremo come aria semplice, vivi
Vivi torneremo come fuoco giovane a cuore nudo
Vivi torneremo come acqua umile
Vivi come terra fertile."
("We were alive like the simple air
We were alive like the young fire with a naked heart
We were alive like the humble water
Alive like the fruitful earth
We will become again alive like the simple air, alive
We will become again alive like the young fire with a naked heart
We will become again alive like the humble water
Alive like the fruitful earth")
(Claudio Baglioni - "Vivi")
JJ's Notes:
1. In Vol.5 in a flashback we see Tsuzuki in state of shock surrounded by a child's drawings smeared with blood holding a teddy bear, whose head had been ripped off.
2. Yes, it's the teddy bear mentioned in note 1.
3. In Vol. 4 Tsuzuki took part in Kyudo competition with Hisoka and Terazuma in the 'Martial Art Tournament Chapter'. In the manga, it wasn't mentioned if there were Jujutsu competitions taking place in Meifu but I figured they could have them.
4. In 'Yami no Matsuei Character Sketchbook' there's a page with pictures of a certain Natsume-san. My poor Japanese knowledge only allowed me to understand that this guy was Tsuzuki's caretaker (no idea if he was his mentor when Tsuzuki was alive or when he was a Shinigami and I'm not even sure if I understood this right). Anyway I decided to use this name for Tsuzuki's first partner. I made him up his relationship with Tsuzuki and his character.
5. Tsukiori Kira was an Akuma Baraishi that worked with Tsuzuki and Hisoka in Vol 4 in 'The Name Of The Rose'.
6. Terazuma Hajime has pointy ears, marks on his face right under his eyes which are slitted due to the fact he was forced to became the master of a parasite Shikigami by the previous 4th sector worker. Before, he was perfectly normal looking. In the manga it is never mentioned that Terazuma had been one of Tsuzuki's partners but since Tsuzuki had so many it might be a possibility.
7. The Hokkaido trip took place in Vol. 4 in the 'Hokkaido Chapter'. The Okinawa mission took place in vol. 6 in the 'Okinawa Chapter'.
8. In 'The Distruction Of The Library Chapter' Tsuzuki took an unconscious Hisoka back to his home, noticed it was pretty bare and decided he would bring him plants.
9. Ruka was Tsuzuki's sister. She's mentioned in the manga but never showed. All the info the manga gave us are that she taught Tsuzuki how to dance a waltz and how to cook.
Extra notes:
I wanted to write a piece about Hisoka trying to figure Tsuzuki out and Tsuzuki trying to put order into his life. That's the result. Mn... I'm not too happy with this...
Behind each thing in Tsuzuki's closet there's a little story I made up. I planned to explain them all in the notes but in the end I decided to let everyone wonder in the same way Hisoka does. I had to make up a bunch of characters. I'm sorry about it but the canon ones just weren't enough. I also had to make up Tsuzuki's previous years in Enma-Cho. I know everything might sound confusing but it was supposed to be so. Hisoka is trying to figure out Tsuzuki's 70 years in Enma-Cho. In 70 years lot of things might be happened to Tsuzuki. The short info Hisoka got while looking at the pictures sure wouldn't be enough to understand them. As for Tsuzuki's part... Tsuzuki is a guy who has a problem. He obviously needs help because he's suicidal and unstable but at the same time he refuses it. He wants to have friends but at the same time he pushes people back because he fears to be rejected. He tries to handle alone what life throws to him but this, more often than not, only gets him more depressed and in more trouble than before. So that's why he let Hisoka close but not too close, he opens up but not by much.
Dictionary:
-chan: Name ending used to express affection and familiarity or to talk with a child
-sama: "Lord" or "Lady"
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."
Akuma Baraishi: Demon Exorcist
DaiOh: "Great King". Enma's title
Enma: "Demon of Darkness". Ruler of the Land of Dead
Enma-Cho: "Office Enma". In the 5th district of JuOhCho. It's ruled by Enma himself and controls only Tokyo's territory. It hosts the Shokan-ka
GenSoKai: "Illusory World". World in which the Shikigami reside
Hoan-Ka: Peace Preservation Division
Jujutsu: Magic Art
JuOhCho: "Ten Kings Office". Meifu's bureaucratic organization ruled by Enma. It's in charge of judging the deceased in Japan
Kacho: "Section Chief". Konoe's title
Kimono: "Something One Wears". Traditional Japanese Garment
Kyudo: Japanese Archery
Matsuri: Festival
Meifu: Land of the dead
Sempai: "Older Workmate" or "Older Classmate"
Shiki: Short for 'Shikigami'
Shikigami: "Ceremonial God". Summoned creatures with two forms (usually one is animal looking while the other is human looking) that live in GenSoKai
Shinigami: "God Of Death" or "Death God". Nickname for the Shokan-ka workers
Shokan-Ka: "Summoning Division". Division in Enma-Cho that deals with summoning the dead to appear at court. It enters in action only when the souls of the dead don't go spontaneously to Meifu
Yukata: Summer Informal Kimono
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