A/N: I hope this story is okay. I've never tried to write male/male romance before, particularly since I'm the wrong kind of gay for it, but I decided I'd try and see what happened.
The two-story family Christmas tree was epic, as always. It normally took a team of professionals about four hours to fully assemble it in the front hallway. This year, Mrs. Hollingsworth decided to do it all herself. This project seemed like it was her way of proving that she didn't need her ex-husband or his money to get things done. All three of her children felt anxious when they saw her up on a ladder, struggling with the greenery, but the deed was miraculously done two full weeks before Christmas.
Two days later, another tree appeared in the living room, fully decorated. It had always been their dad's tree. Seeing it made Miles fume with anger. The slime ball had his own house now, with a fiancé and a new golden child stepson. If he was really choosing his mistress over his wife of eighteen years, then why did he feel the need to leave his decorations where they weren't wanted?
Frankie slowly appeared in the doorway looking bashful. "Don't worry, he wasn't here. I put it up myself."
Miles turned around to look at his sister, first with surprise and then with sympathy. "Why?"
"I don't know." She crossed her arms at her chest, avoiding eye contact with her brother. "I thought it would feel more, you know, normal this way." Her eyes welled with tears. "God, I can't even believe this. He hit you. He cheated on Mom, and for all he talked about wanting to have a relationship with me, he's been ignoring me since September. It's like now that he's engaged, we don't even matter anymore. I'm so mad at him, but I still miss him."
There was nothing Miles could really say, but he tried. "I get it."
Frankie looked up, obviously puzzled. "You miss him too?"
"Not anymore," he said with a sigh, "but let's just say I relate. In a way."
Even though the family knew about Miles's recent breakup, he didn't feel right talking to any of them about it. Missing a girlfriend of two and a half months hardly seemed important compared with missing a father or an ex-husband of close to two decades. It was admirable how well their broken family was supporting each other through this holiday season. No longer trapped in a loveless marriage, the former Mrs. Hollingsworth was becoming the mother they always wished she could be. On some nights, she organized little group chats by the fireplace where they'd each vent their feelings about the dissolution of their family. Miles participated, but he always felt like a fourth-wheel because his own heartache had nothing to do with their father.
All he could think about was Esme. The past two and a half months had been a freaky roller coaster. After he had all but thrown away his relationship with Tristan, alienated his siblings, and struck out with Zoë, Esme had felt like Miles's chance at redemption. In the beginning, it was like she didn't even see his flaws. To her, he was the perfect guy. She couldn't understand why any girl wouldn't go nuts for him, and he couldn't understand why she had never had a steady boyfriend before. The two of them were inseparable for about a month, until she started hinting at a darker side to her life. She was diagnosed with some long, complicated-sounding psychiatric illness. In the beginning, it made no sense. Esme was perfect. Literally perfect. He made the mistake of telling her that. He told her there was nothing wrong with her, and she ran with that, cancelling appointments with her therapist and discontinuing her medication.
Over the next few weeks, she got worse and worse. They fought constantly, over pointless things.
"I'm thinking about going back to church," she said on October 5. "I haven't been in a few years, so it's a big deal."
"That's cool," Miles said.
She stopped in her tracks. "Why are you saying it like that?"
"Like what?" he asked.
Her expression was hostile. "Like you just think it's stupid and want me to shut up already!"
Miles was completely taken aback. "What are you talking about? I never said you were stupid."
"So now I'm making things up! You think I'm crazy. God, you're just like my dad! Fuck off, then."
The next day, Esme apologized profusely before Miles could make his own apology. He brushed it off until their next fight, which only became more intense. After the fifth or sixth one of these strange, convoluted arguments, Miles finally snapped.
"I can't handle this anymore!" he had shouted. "Just get out of my life!"
Those words came back to haunt him soon after he said them. Early the next morning, he had some strange urge to check out Facerange. To his horror, Esme's most recent post was a picture of a pocket knife and a razor blade from her art class. Her status said "I'm 100% done. Going to slit my wrists now. Goodbye." Naturally, he rushed to her house where he expected to find her either dead or profusely bleeding in her bathtub. Instead, she answered the door like nothing was wrong. There were no cuts. She had lied in her Facerange status.
"I did it for us," she had rationalized, "so we could be together. We belong together."
"You belong in an insane asylum."
Apparently, that was exactly where she was headed now. Even though she never actually cut herself, Esme's therapist was worried enough to contact the local hospital. Her parents assured Miles that the doctors there would fix Esme's medication and figure out a better course of therapy for her. If she didn't cooperate with the doctors and agree to start meds and therapy again, she would likely be spending Christmas in some white, blank, loveless hospital cell.
The Songs decided it would be better if Esme took a break from boys until she had her mood stabilized. Her father had taken a liking to Miles while they were dating and asked if he'd wait out her hospital stay and medication adjustments. Though it broke his heart, Miles had to say "no." He hardly knew who Esme was anymore, and he feared that the real, healthy Esme who was hidden beneath all of her convoluted issues would be a complete stranger to him. She would probably need to start fresh with someone new.
Although he no longer had feelings for her, imagining Esme in the hospital caused Miles to count his blessings. His dad was gone and he couldn't hold down a relationship, but at least he had his sanity and his freedom. It was life-changing, knowing those things couldn't just be taken for granted. That was why, for the first time in about ten years, Miles willingly went along for all the family's holiday fun. He rode in the front seat when his mother took the three kids to the light show in the park and even offered to drive when Frankie suggested ice skating. The four of them were doing their best to make the most of the Christmas season. A few days before winter break, their mother even approved a holiday party for the kids. Although Miles normally loved parties, he worried that after he all but ignored everyone for a whole semester, no one he invited would come. He put up a Facerange invite anyway.
The morning of the party, Frankie marched in front of him with a bag of red and green M&Ms that he initially thought was a bag of cat litter or mulch.
"Got enough there, Frankie?" Miles laughed.
She shrugged, cutting the bag open. "Mom got a Costco card. Figured it'd help us stock up for the party. I need help sorting these out into little hors d'oeuvres bowls. Mom and I are making some pot stickers and cookies for everyone, and I really want to make sure there's something people can snack on while they're waiting."
Miles felt anxiety rising inside him as Frankie lifted that heavy bag, preparing to actually pour those M&Ms into a tiny bowl.
"Hold up!" Miles said, grabbing the bag. "That's gonna be an avalanche."
"What's your idea?" she asked, setting the bag down.
He cut a wider opening and then started scooping M&Ms into the bowls. "Wow," Frankie said. "That was actually helpful. You've been…actually nice lately."
"I was visited by three ghosts last night," Miles joked. "I'm not the man I was."
Frankie suppressed a giggle. "So who did you invite to this party?"
"Oh, you know," he said, scooping up another bowl of M&Ms. "Just a few people. I hope you don't mind that Chewie's coming."
"I'm over him," Frankie announced. "There's kind of someone else I'm into now."
"Oh?" Miles asked. "Is he coming tonight?"
Frankie nodded, looking ready to burst with excitement. "How about you? Anyone special on your guest list?"
"Not looking like it," Miles said. "All my old flames are in relationships, and I didn't invite anyone new."
The first guests walked in at 6:30. Lola, Shay, Tiny, Zoë, and Grace all showed up together. Shay and Tiny's relationship had opened some interesting doors socially. Grace and Lola actually seemed like they were starting to be friends. The next wave of guests brought in Jonah and a few guys from Friendship Club. Their presence confused Miles until he saw his sister rush up to greet Jonah with a more-than-friendly hug. Hunter's guest, Yael, showed up next, and then Winston walked in with Goldi.
A few minutes later, the doorbell rang again. Miles went to open it. Tristan, Maya, and a dark-haired girl Miles did not recognize were all out on the porch wearing adorkable Christmas sweaters.
"This is Tori." Tristan indicated the dark-haired stranger. "She's my plus one."
"No Vijay?" The question came out automatically.
"Not anymore," Tristan said, "but that's old news. Weeks old."
So Tristan was single now. "Sorry to hear it," Miles said politely. He looked nervously at Maya. "Where's Zig?"
"Jose's having his mom over for dinner today," Maya explained. "I hope this time's a charm. He has a job now, and he's even making As this semester."
"Zig will be fine!" Tristan said.
Maya didn't look entirely reassured. She listed off a few "what ifs," and Tristan did his best to refute them. Tori took this opportunity to seek Miles's attention. "So you must be Miles," she said with a knowing smile. "I've been waiting for so long to finally meet you."
Tristan made an embarrassed pout. "Tor!"
"What? He's on my list of people to chat with tonight. First Miles, then the Gatsby Garcia. I can't believe you've been hanging out with her all this time. I'm so jealous."
Remembering Tristan's stories about the West Drive blog he used to make with Tori left Miles wondering why Tori thought that meeting him was a bigger priority than meeting Zoë. He hoped she wasn't attracted to him or something. Dating someone who was friends with two of your exes seemed like a recipe for disaster.
"Go for it," Tristan said. Moments later, he spotted Zoë across the room and eagerly ran to greet her.
Tori looked at Miles with serious interest. "It's nice to finally meet you."
"You as well," he said. "Tristan told me all about the good old days of West Drive recaps."
She laughed. "I miss him. It's just weird not going to the same school anymore. Anyway, I wanted to thank you for taking care of him last year. I can't even believe the kind of stuff he went through. I was so mad when he finally told me what went on, and I just wished I could be there to help him."
While she spoke about those awful events, Miles couldn't help but look past her at Tristan, who was now wearing a Santa hat someone must've found for him.
"Of course," Miles said. "Is he…doing okay with all that now?"
"That's kind of something you should ask him," Tori said. "I'm sure he misses talking to you."
"Yeah, but…" Miles frowned. "I'm sure he told you how badly I messed things up between us. I'm not sure he wants to bare his soul to me."
Tori glanced affectionately toward Tristan. "One thing I know about Tris is that when he gets hurt, he really gets hurt. You might think that means he'll never forgive you for ditching him, but he's actually one of the most forgiving people I know." She laughed. "In grade nine, I pretty much stopped hanging out with him so I could be with Zig 24/7."
"You were with Zig?" Miles asked incredulously. Apparently Maya's problem of competing with her friends over guys had a longer history than he knew about.
"Long time ago," Tori said. "Anyway, I really hurt his feelings, and for a while I thought he was gonna stay mad forever. But…he didn't. It's like two years later, and we're still friends."
"I think I screwed up a little worse than that," Miles said.
Tristan was chatting with some people in the far corner of the living room, looking happy and unburdened. The last thing Miles wanted to do was ruin his ex's evening.
"You still like him, don't you?" Tori asked.
It was a question Miles wasn't ready for. "Uh…why?"
"Come on." Tori crossed her arms and eyed Miles suspiciously. "I know you're not making those eyes at me."
"I wasn't making eyes," Miles said defensively. "Was I making eyes?"
"I think he likes you too," Tori said. "Trust me. I've been his best friend since we were seven. I know what goes on in his head."
Miles had let go of any hope of reconnecting with Tristan months ago. Their relationship was everything he never knew he needed while it lasted, but now it was over. He couldn't think of any way to come back from all the lies, drugs, and ignoring.
"Listen," Miles said. "I know I probably owe him an explanation or an apology or something, but…I keep thinking I'll just make things worse by butting into his life again."
Tori raised an eyebrow. "So you haven't moved on. See, he thinks you're 100% over him. I figured I'd come investigate. See how true that actually is."
"Why?" Miles asked. "What do you get out of it?"
"I want to see him happy again," Tori said. "Vijay was nice, but I ship Triles through and through. Anyway, looks like I'm done here. I'm off to meet Gatsby!"
The moment Tori was gone, Tristan appeared in front of Miles. "OMG, what did she say?" Tristan asked anxiously. "She has a tendency to try to…fix things for other people, y'know? Not that…um…anything needs fixing between us because it so doesn't, but if it did it would really be embarrassing if she tried to do that all herself."
Somehow even anxious Tristan was endearing. Maybe Miles really wasn't over his ex. "It's fine," he said with his trademark confident smile. "You mind stepping outside for a moment? I think we should talk."
Tristan still wasn't calmed down. He looked like he was walking into an interrogation or something. "Um…we don't have to do some big thing," he said. "I mean…whatever Tori said, it was probably just…"
"This isn't for Tori," Miles responded. "I just wanna talk."
It was difficult to sound confident and reassuring when his own heart was racing the way it was. Miles was terrified that this talk would be a disaster, but he knew he had to give it a shot.
The two boys stepped outside. The scene was different from the last time they were out there together. For one thing, the pool was covered for the winter. For another thing, there was no torrential downpour soaking them wet. In that moment, Miles wished he could go back in time and redo their passionate first kiss and the entire relationship that followed. This time around, he'd treat Tristan better. Then, Esme would never date him and go off her meds. Maybe she'd even spend Christmas with her family in this new, improved version of events.
Knowing he couldn't go back in time, the next best thing was to apologize. Really apologize. "I'm sorry for how I treated you," Miles said. "I was such a jerk. It turned out my parents weren't who I thought they were, my dad was actually abusing me, and I was angry. Really angry. Sometimes I just felt like I could lose it, you know? I felt like I was turning into him, and I didn't want to put you through the same shit he was putting us through."
"So you turned to drugs," Tristan said.
Miles nodded. "I figured I just needed something to mellow me out. Problem was, it didn't just get rid of the anger. It dulled out all my feelings. Made me into something even worse than what I was worried about being. Maya was on me 24/7 trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and I knew she was right to be worried, but I just couldn't make myself talk to someone or do anything to get my shit together."
"So you took the easy way out," Tristan said. "You just cut me out of your life so you wouldn't have to face whatever was wrong."
Miles nodded. "That's exactly what I did. I was pathetic."
"Yeah, you were pretty pathetic," Tristan acknowledged, "but I know there's more to you than that."
Miles hadn't expected Tristan to be the one reassuring him in this conversation. "How?"
"Sometimes you're anything but pathetic. What about the way you stood by Zoë through that awful trial, or the way you supported me after the mess with Grant, or the way you came out to your family like it was nothing, or the way you stood by Esme through all the messed up stuff she went through?"
"Lot of good that did," Miles said. "I couldn't help her."
"But you tried," Tristan said. "That counts for something, right?"
"Yeah. I guess it does," Miles said, "but the truth is that I never should have dated her. At the end of the summer, when it was obvious Zoë and I weren't happening, and word through the grapevine said Gabe was no more, I should've at least tried. I wish I had fought harder to be with you."
Tristan looked embarrassed. "You still could."
If Tristan was serious, then Tori was definitely right. Miles wasn't used to anyone forgiving him this easily. "You'd really give me another chance after all this time?" Miles asked.
"Why not?" Tristan asked.
It wasn't the passionate, exciting "go ahead" from grade ten. It wasn't much more than the two of them holding hands in the same spot where they shared their first kiss and agreeing to be in each other's lives again. Still, it was something. It was the knowledge that not every mistake had to be permanent, that maybe the next semester could be full of kisses and cuddles with a boy who was crazy about him instead of the scary, uncertain mess he had lived with for the past few months. Maybe this was a reason to have hope.