There she was.
A flame amongst shadows, a blue flash among the murky brown and black. But also, a weak among strong. She lay there, not even attempting to struggle against the cat pinning her down. She barely blinked as she accepted slash after slash, bite after bite. A few others looked scornfully at her. She was weak. Or so they thought.
Goldenfrost.
My name is Goldenfrost, and I am the deputy of RiverClan.
Yesterday, the day that the former deputy retired, a RiverClan queen told me that I didn't have a chance of becoming the new deputy. I remember the feeling as her words washed into me at that time. It was a wave of anger, and fury. I knew that I had the best chance of all the warriors, as I was the most strategic and intelligent; every cat in the clan knew that. That night, after I had assumed the title of RiverClan's new deputy, I vowed that I would have my revenge.
Right now, I am locked in the midst of a battle against ThunderClan. I don't fight in battles. I allow myself to lose to whomever it is that I oppose. Why, you ask? It's to hide my true strength. In truth, I could kill a cat with one simple blow. But if the rest of my clan figured this out, I would never be able to find my vengeances.
The ThunderClan cat above me - I recognize him as Leopardclaw - blinks in confusion as he realizes that I am not fighting back. I swipe at him again, purposely missing my mark as I fake weakness, blinking.
Leopardclaw narrows his eyes, then leans down over me. "What are you playing at, Goldenfrost? Don't tell me RiverClan's warriors don't know how to fight!"
"I am the deputy!" The words push their way out of my jaws before I can stop them. I throw him off easily, so that he lands on the rock ground with a low moan. "And I can defeat you in a battle anytime."
"Bring it on!" Leopardclaw says confidently, though I can detect fear in his voice. I prowl closer, while Leopardclaw jumps shakily to his paws, taking a step back as I circle around him, my eyes narrowed to slits. I spring, timing my attack perfectly, and I leap onto Leopardclaw, pinning him down. Before I can stop myself, all the anger I had felt yesterday, at the queen, spills out on this ThunderClan warrior, and my long claws reach out, and rip down his golden pelt and down his belly, creating a cloud of blood around his limp shape.
Leopardclaw lets out a long yowl, and my claws find his throat. "Don't ever underestimate me again," I say, remaining eerily calm as I speak to his motionless body. Quickly, I glance around. No one has seen this, so I quickly slink away into the thick of the battle.
A ThunderClan cat brushes past me, heading for Leopardclaw's motionless body. A pang of anxiety pierced her as she saw him skid to a stop at the dust-covered form of the fallen warrior. Then... I reflected that... he was the first cat whom I had ever killed.
But it was an accident! I mean, I never intentionally killed him; it's just... something inside me took over, and I... I knew it would happen, somehow. I knew beforehand that if I allowed myself to strike back, I would easily overpower my opponent. But I hadn't expected so much.
I barely hear ThunderClan's yowl of retreat, but one of my clanmates - Sunwater - nudged me towards the departing RiverClan warriors. Quickly, I bound toward the leaving attack patrol, and fall into step beside Iceshade, who was muttering to Featherheart.
Pricking my ears, I pick up the hushed murmur, from Iceshade. "Who do you think killed Leopardclaw?"
"Not Goldenfrost, for sure," Featherheart replied quietly. "Leopardclaw was a strong cat. And Goldenfrost... well... she's just too innocent, you see? And she's not really that much of a fighter. Plus, she obeys the warrior code. She's the deputy."
If only you knew. I dig my long claws into the ground before carrying on, keeping my expression neutral.
"Not Tigerscar, either," Iceshade decides. I blink in surprise. Tigerscar was a strong cat. I prick my ears, listening for more. "He's strong, but he has the loyalty to the warrior code that some other cats don't have."
"What's done is done," Featherheart mews, with a soft sigh. "Leopardclaw was a ThunderClan cat. He died in battle. What else should RiverClan care about?"
"Nothing, but who would kill Leopardclaw like... that? Did you see the body?" Iceshade whispers.
Featherheart shakes her head. "Why? Was it bad?"
"Yes, it was bad!" Iceshade frowns as she speaks. "The entire body was covered in blood... and there was a huge scratch all the way down his body... and..." She trails off, and I pause. That is exactly the way I remember it... the image will stay forever in my mind.
"Oh, StarClan," Featherheart says sympathetically. "I know he was ThunderClan, but no cat deserves to die like that." Though I am behind her, and I cannot see her face, I imagine that she is picturing this right now.
"I think it was Smokeriver," Iceshade murmurs. "He's always hated ThunderClan."
"But he doesn't kill, does he?" Featherheart replies.
"Maybe, maybe not," the silver-white cat says. "I don't know him too well."
"I think Darkflower is more likely to have killed Leopardclaw," Featherheart states. "I don't really know Leopardclaw, but from what the elders say about him, he has a tendency to say things that'll make others angry. And Darkflower can kill, if she gets angry enough."
"That might be the case," Iceshade says, and the two she-cats fell into silence.
I pad up to them, acting as though I hadn't heard anything. Featherheart's words still ring in my mind. Goldenfrost... well... she's just too innocent, you see? And she's not really that much of a fighter.
I grit my teeth. Wait until you see how much of a fighter I really am. You'll regret that, Featherheart. Stiffly, I pad over to join them, acting as though I did not hear anything they had said about me.
"What are you two talking about?" I ask smoothly.
Featherheart looks up, seeming mildly surprised. "Who do you think killed Leopardclaw?"
"I don't really know," I say. "He might have just been killed on accident, or something like that... if the cat who killed him is somewhat insane." The words spill easily out of my mouth, and heartbeats later, I regret it. I'm not insane!
"No cat in the clans is insane enough to do that," Iceshade murmurs. "Did you see his body?"
"As a matter of fact," I lie fluently, "I didn't."
"It... it was terrible, to say the least," Iceshade says faintly, padding slightly faster. "I... I don't want to describe it." I resist the urge to roll my eyes. No, you don't have to. I know everything about how Leopardclaw died.
"That's okay. I didn't realize that he was murdered on purpose," I say. And I burst into camp, heading directly for the warriors den. The queen who underestimated me yesterday - Nightsong - would have to stay wide awake tonight, if she was to save her kits.
I drop the two half-sleeping kits at my paws, and look out onto the lake. It was perfect, just perfect. I was innocent, was I not? I couldn't fight too well? This would be the perfect cover for me; I could easily say I had never killed before.
The kits utter short whimpers as they hit the cold ground, but they tremble slightly, not moving after that.
Nightsong is still fast asleep in the depths of the nursery. She wouldn't suspect anything during the night. I believe that she has even forgotten what she told me earlier, so she will not turn to me, immediately.
I study the two she-kits - Blackkit and Shadekit - for a long heartbeat, before slashing my claws down. It's all for the best, isn't it? Now, Nightsong will regret that she ever scorned me, in this way. I feel warm blood spread over my paws, and the kits let out a thin wail before falling still and silent. This time, it was easier for me to kill. It wasn't my fault, was it? Nightsong has no right telling me that I am incapable of becoming a deputy.
So now, Nightsong would think twice before she underestimated another cat.
Slowly, I push the tiny bodies into the churning waters of the lake. The water absorbes the kits greedily, and the last I see of them is when the lake drags them down, across the icy waves. I lean over, studying the water as I wash my paws of the blood.
"Goldenfrost?" I turn sharply as I hear a curious voice. My fur flattens as I see Nightsong. "What are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep," I lie, plastering a false smile on my face.
Nightsong nods evenly. "Have you seen either of my kits?" Now, I cannot help but turn around and stare briefly at the lake. Nightsong's gaze follows mine, but neither of us can see anything of the kits. I turn back to face her, shaking my head slowly.
"No, sorry. Are they missing?"
"Well, if they weren't missing, I wouldn't be looking for them!" Nightsong's voice grew from a mew to a yowl. I take a pace back, narrowing my eyes. That's no way to speak to your deputy, Nightsong.
"What's going on here?"
Nightsong and I turn to see Dapplestar approaching us, and I quickly speak, before Nightsong can. "Nightsong's kits have disappeared, and she was asking me if I knew where Blackkit and Shadekit were. Have you seen them?"
Dapplestar looks surprised. "No, I haven't." At this point, Nightsong lets out a devastated yowl, closing her eyes for a long heartbeat. For some reason, I feel a slight pang of satisfaction, that Nightsong deserves this.
Yeah, right. Am I still what you call 'innocent'?
Within the next moon, I still have not forgotten Featherheart's insult to me. It plagues me, day and night. Whenever I pass by Featherheart, my heart increases in speed, and I feel waves of anger and resentment pulse through me.
Now, Featherheart and I stand alone, facing each other. We stand by the edge of RiverClan territory, near the Twolegplace. Featherheart is checking for stray scents. She doesn't suspect anything until I strike, raking my claws across her shoulder.
"What... what is the meaning of this?" Featherheart splutters, stumbling to the ground as I force my claws into her chest.
I frown at her. "Do you remember the battle with ThunderClan, when Leopardclaw died?" I continue even before she gives me a weak nod. "Well, on the way back, you said that I was weak, and I was never a good fighter. I'm proving you wrong, right now."
Featherheart struggles as I tear my claws into her fur, drawing blood onto the ground beneath us. "You said I was innocent!" I spit, digging my teeth into her neck. "Well, now, I'll show you just how innocent I am!" And I tear into her neck. Featherheart falls back, letting out a final gurgle before going limp, scarlet blood staining her silver fur.
It's too much for me to handle, now. Two murders from my own clan is enough, but now, another? Was this small misconception really worth it? The thought ringing long and clear in my mind, I turn and run away, into the shadows.
Far, far away from the clans.
Further away than I have ever been.
Farther than the clans have ever known exist.
As I stand at the edge of a cliff that jutts out slightly over the fast-flowing water, I rethink my words to Featherheart. Well, now, I'll show you just how innocent I am! I swallow, uncertainly. Was I right? Was I wrong? Perhaps only StarClan can tell me that. Or is this wisdom beyond theirs? So there is no right, nor wrong. There is only a 'useful' and 'not useful'. Maybe some of my actions were useful, but not so much the others. And part of the reasons behind the deaths was useful, but not so much the other part.
I always thought I was the brave and loyal deputy, the cat everyone looked up to for anything and everything. Maybe that was the case. No cat I know thought I could be capable of something like this. Everyone thought I was innocent,and flawless.
Now, I understand the true meaning of innocence.