The Naruto Lumberjack Song
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, the manga or the anime. I also don't own this particular Monty Python sketch. If you have no idea what I'm on about, check out "The Lumberjack Song" on youtube and then come back and read this. This fic also counts as a songfic I guess…
This is now my second fanfic, and is total crack.
British humour is the best. Sometimes you gotta love where you live.
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Standing in Tsunade's office Gai and his team were all reporting to the blonde Hokage on the results of their latest mission. Gai, as the leader of the team was giving the report of the mission.
"Well we pursued the missing grass-nin over the first few days of the mission, observing his movements and assessing his strength. Once we identified he was alone we made our move and…" he paused.
"Oh sod it…" he put a hand over his eyes. The four other people in the room regarded him with concern.
"Gai-sensei?" Lee asked worriedly. Gai looked up sadly.
"I didn't want to do this. I don't want to be a ninja. I don't want to worry about country politics, mad leaders, or evil organisations bent on the taking over of the world…" the rest of them room looked at him more worriedly as he continued.
"I wanted to be... a lumberjack!" Gai exclaimed, turning around smartly and exiting the room. There was a brief stunned silence.
"He's snapped. Finally" both Neji and Tenten thought as one. Next to them, Lee finally broke out of his frozen state.
"Gai-sensei!" he called, going after the man marching from the tower. Neji and Tenten looked at each other and then followed.
Tsunade still hadn't closed her mouth.
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Now outside, the three younger members of team Gai watched as their sensei marched down the main street of Konoha, extolling the benefits of being a lumberjack. He was attracting quite a crowd.
"Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" Gai shouted happily.
"Where?" Tenten asked Neji. The Hyuuga shrugged and gave her a look that said 'he's shouting about being a lumberjack, does that really matter?'
"Never mind…" she muttered, wondering how she managed to read Neji's look in such detail. They both looked back at the thick browed man, now shouting out his love for trees.
"The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine!" the crazed man's eyes were hearts.
"The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria" Gai continued, punching the air.
"Is that even a real tree?" Tenten asked Neji quietly. The long haired boy didn't need to answer.
"The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant!" he exclaimed, tears now in his eyes.
"The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip!"
Gai now had people coming out of their houses to see what the commotion was about. In fact, such was the noise he was creating even ninja who had been training had been attracted.
Among those who had come were teams seven, eight and ten. All of whom looked suitably shocked at the antics of the Jounin. Except Kakashi, who had thought something like this might happen eventually.
"The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus!" he shouted, turning his head towards his young team, two of which recoiled.
"With my best buddy by my side!" he continued gleefully, grabbing Lee's arm and pulling him into a one armed hug as he continued down the main street.
"We'd sing! Sing! Sing!" he called, raising his free hand towards the sky.
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
Out of nowhere the entire male sections of teams seven, eight and ten joined in the singing. With the exception of Shikamaru, who was too lazy, Sai, who didn't understand the humour, and Shino. Just because.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
"Kakashi-sensei? Naruto? Why are you singing?" Sakura asked, evidently confused. Kakashi shrugged.
"Seemed like a good idea" he admitted as Sai tapped the pink haired girl on the shoulder. She turned.
"I don't understand. Should I make notes on this sort of behaviour?" he asked.
Sakura was too stunned to reply as Gai carried on with the song.
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
The male ninja from the other teams chorused in again. Naruto did so quite enthusiastically, and though she was confused as well as a little disturbed by Gai's performance Hinata couldn't help but realise the spiky haired blonde had quite a good voice.
For her part Kurenai was currently wondering why Kiba had chosen to sing along. Although with Akamaru barking in unison, they were both apparently enjoying it.
Shino watched impassively.
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
Ino looked between the singing Gai and the two males on her team who were singing.
"Asuma-sensei, Chouji, what's going on?" she asked confusedly. Getting no reply, she turned to her other team mate. Who had gone to sleep.
"How can you take this in your stride?" she wondered, the chorus beginning again.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Gai took over the second verse again.
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
Somewhere in the crowd a senbon was spat out of the mouth of a shocked and disturbed Genma.
"He was the girl I was talking to!? I knew she-. No, he looked familiar… I bought her drinks…" the poor man admitted, looking sick.
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
The chorus singers looked surprised, as if they hadn't heard Gai admit it seconds earlier. The exception was Kakashi. Again.
Nevertheless, the song continued. Even though most mothers were now covering their children's ears and ushering them inside.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Gai once again took over, still marching down the street proudly. Lee still looked confused, unsure what his idol was saying.
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
At this, the streets began to clear. Even an oncoming attack by a foreign country would not have produced the mass flight that an image of Gai in a bra caused.
Somehow though the chorus members stuck around. At least, until they too realised what they were singing.
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
"Suspenders, and a bra…?!"
There was now considerable disorder within the ranks of the impromptu chorus members, who also decided to make a swift exit.
But Gai had been in his own little world ever since he had left the Hokage tower and as such had no idea he had managed to clear the streets of Konoha.
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
And finally Lee decided to make his move, breaking from his sensei's grasp and facing him dramatically.
The boy took a deep breath.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
"Lee!" Gai called, tears in his eyes.
"Gai-sensei!" Lee shouted, also weeping happily.
No-one saw their joyful, yet disturbing, embrace.
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Except one masked Jounin, sitting on the roof of one of the buildings that overlooked the street below.
"Maybe I shouldn't have introduced him to cross dressing…" he thought to himself.
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Hehe. That was random. I thought of this in about an hour or two. I was listening to The Lumberjack Song on my computer, and I just thought: 'this would work!'
Sorry if I burned your mind with the image of a cross dressing Gai.
I'll get back to writing proper stuff now.
Later.