(Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran. Don't think I want to either. XD I also do not own the joke book that I got the conduct from. Warnings: Uhm. Randomness. Yes. This was never meant to be rational. Note: all of them are of drabble-ish size. I don't think the individual drabbles (less than drabbles really) will be connected. Skipped two because I didn't want to come up with something for it.)
For you, BB. 'Cause this is being written before that Kyouya crack!fic.
The Male Code of Conduct:.
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
"Tamaki, what are you doing?" Kyouya leaned away from the blond who was staring at him intently.
"It's raining."
"…and?"
"I forgot my umbrella."
"But Tono, it's clearly against the conduct," Hikaru but in.
Kaoru nodded. "I mean, even we don't share an umbrella."
Tamaki blinked and made puppy eyes. "But, Kyooouuuyaaa!"
"I'm sorry, Tamaki, but the twins are right."
The next day none of club members were surprised when Tamaki had a cold.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.
"…Tono…what is that?"
Tamaki got the sinking feeling that he'd done something really stupid again. "A…camera?"
Kyouya mentally face-palmed.
Kaoru and Hikaru shared a devilish expression.
Mori silently lifted Hunni and covered his eyes. It certainly wasn't going to be pretty.
3. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination.
Years later, the club members were still in contact, and they were all pretty much the same, surprisingly.
"And they were talking about the weirdest thing," Tamaki continued, "Fishing!"
Hikaru and Kaoru both nodded.
Before either could interrupt, Tamaki continued recounting the tale. "So they went to the lake and went fishing. Hikaru swore that he caught one this big!" Tamaki then proceeded to separate his hands and arms a ridiculous length apart.
"Nuh-uh!" The twins interceded.
"I didn't say it was that big!" Hikaru argued. "I only said it was this big." He held his arms about three feet apart.
Kaoru looked at his arms. "Wasn't it smaller? Because, if you really said it was that big, then he's in the clear."
Hikaru blinked. "Really?" He visually measured the distance between his hands and the distance between Tamaki's.
Kyouya sighed. He couldn't believe he still knew these people.
4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hrs, his sister is off-limits forever.
Kyouya openly stared at Tamaki, incredulous. He's heard many a stupid remark or question come out of the blond's mouth, but never something so…strange. "…What did you ask?"
Tamaki had the grace to blush as he quietly muttered, "…nevermind…"
Kyouya shook his head. Tamaki was strange. Kyouya didn't know he was that strange. Date his sister. Really.
5. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Kaoru looked at his watch. "He's late."
Hikaru nodded. "How long?"
"Ten minutes."
Hikaru frowned. "Why are we still waiting then?"
"Well, Haruhi is late as well."
"Ah."
"At least fifty more minutes then." they concluded at the same time, nodding.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a friend's refrigerator is unacceptable. Only complaints about the temperature are permissible.
Years later, after they had all graduated from Ouran, Hikaru has found himself rummaging through Tamaki's refrigerator. Yes, you read right. He also found himself in quite a predicament. He really wanted to complain of the brand of beer he found in said refrigerator, but Kaoru was standing right next to him, just waiting to give him a smack on the head. He settled to merely take two cans out, shut the door, and complain loudly, "It's not cold enough."
He got the smack to the head anyways.
7. Before dating a friend's ex-girlfriend, you are required to ask his permission.
"Tamaki, could I date Haruhi?"
"Sure!" Tamaki replied with a bright smile, before registering what the question was. "…Wait, what?! Hunh?!"
Kyouya ignored him and continued walking away, smirk in place.
"Kyouya!!!!"
8. Women who claim they 'love to watch sport' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a chicken wing clean.
Even high class men like those of the Ouran Host Club enjoyed watching sports, and Tamaki even had the grace not to force Haruhi into it. Haruhi, however, surprised them all by showing up anyways, ready to watch. She had bluntly stated, "Despite common belief, I do enjoy a good game."
And right then, the twins and Tamaki had resolved to spy on the supposed spy, not realizing that for her to be a spy for the other girls that she would have to have revealed that she was a female, which she would definitely not do.
They finally realized this when Haruhi had extensively proved herself and scared Tamaki into his protective parental mode when she had attacked the chicken wings.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
"Explain to me again why you aren't required to give Tamaki-senpai a gift?" Haruhi asked.
"It's part of the unwritten code. I doubt he'll remember, and make a big fuss, but I couldn't figure out what to get him this year," Kyouya calmly explained.
"…And you're not worried about this?"
"Not at all."
10. The universal compensation for friends who help you move home is beer.
Kyouya looked silently at the case in his hands. Out of courtesy from knowing them for years, he had helped the Hitachiins move into another house. Of course he didn't have to, but he had nothing better to do and he all around just felt like it. He didn't expect the beer. "But I don't drink."
Hikaru and Kaoru had shared shocked expressions, and then a devious smile appeared on their faces. "You will."
Kyouya sighed.
11. It is permissible to consume a fruity cocktail only when you're sunning yourself on a tropical beach.
"…Tamaki…what are you drinking?"
"A fruity cocktail…You want some, Kyouya?"
"No, Tamaki. You better finish that before the twins find out."
Tamaki didn't question it. "Okay, Kaa-san!"
12. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you must never join in.
Kyouya, along with Mori, resisted the urge to cover their ears.
Sitting in the car, Hunni had started singing. About what? Neither stoic young man could say. Not long after, Tamaki had joined, followed soon by the twins.
Kyouya and Mori shared a glance with Haruhi. Her expression was that of pain.
Haruhi, along with Kyouya and Mori, resisted the pressing need to spare their ears from the sound.
13. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
Tamaki sat in shock, hand poised in mid air, and watched as his precious food was taken right before his eyes. One of the twins had grabbed the last drink and one had grabbed the last slice. And they shared. It wasn't fair. And he made this known as he complained to his best friend.
"In all practicality, it's not like it matters anymore." Kyouya simply stated. "You're not getting it back, no matter how mean you think they were. You know they do this just to spite you."
"I know…" He quietly said, continuing to hover over Kyouya's shoulder, brooding.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.
Kyouya wearily looked at Tamaki, and then quickly glanced away. His brain quickly deducted that the blond had been in such a rush to drag Kyouya off to somewhere that morning that he'd forgotten something rather insignificant, but important. Kyouya didn't want to say anything, but the poor guy already suffered so much.
Kyouya sighed. "Tamaki…" he started, interrupting some long rant about some commoner thing no doubt.
"Yes, Kyouya?" Tamaki faced him with shining eyes and a big smile.
"…your fly is down…"
Tamaki flushed in embarrassment while the twins broke out in laughter.
A/N: This is probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever written. I feel so embarrassed to load it up onto and feel even more ashamed at myself for even trying to make this sound plausible. I'm not going to beg for you to review this…it doesn't need any. I hope you're happy, Bernice.
--NarutoKyuu