TITLE: A Second Chance
AUTHOR: yue kato
WRITTEN: 270403
PAIRING: SS/RL (sort of)
RATING: PG
FEEDBACK: Please do, at huiw@rocketmail.com :)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters in the Harry Potter books, or movies.
SUMMARY: Remus deals with the aftermath of Snape's return from the dead.
NOTES: The ending note to an inadvertent trilogy that began with 'Smirk', and continued loosely in 'Some Comfort Here'. Further notes at the end.
ARCHIVING: If anyone wants it, please let me know first. Thanks.
I glance up at the gentle knock on my door, accompanied by the faintly bitter smell of wolfsbane tickling my sensitive nose. "Severus? Why are you here? I thought I told you I would go down and get the potion from you at five… oh!…" I trail off as I register the lengthening shadows gracing the room.
"It's closer to seven, Remus," the Potions Master notes dryly, before sweeping into the room and placing the goblet upon my desk. "I thought I had the market cornered on working until I forgot all else, but it appears that is no longer the case."
I merely smile as I watch the dark-haired man settle down in the chair opposite me, getting himself comfortable for a moment more of conversation. There used to be a time when being in the same room with a werewolf had been anathema for him. "What can I say? It's fascinating."
"Somehow, I find it difficult to accept that you can summon up such an interest in Memory Charms and Spells. That was always more of Lockhart's premise." An expression of distaste crossed the pale face, reminding me of older days when the same look had been directed at me as well.
"He might have said the same of Potions," I point out mildly, and am momentarily at the receiving end of said look. Complete with the narrowed, flashing eyes, and contemptuous curl of the lip. How pathetic is it that I find even this precious?
Not so pathetic then, I reflect, if the alternative to be considered is a face of marble forever frozen in the rictus of death.
***
"Oh, Lord, Severus!" Nothing else penetrated except the seemingly lifeless body lolling in Ron's arms as he suddenly stumbled into existence in the courtyard of their command center at Hogsmeade.
By the time he reached them, Ron had already laid Snape out upon the ground, running his hands over his body as he had been taught by the Mediwizards, checking out Snape's aura for any life-threatening injuries. "We were nearly at the Portkey when we were ambushed," he explained curtly as he continued with his examination, "Professor… I mean, Severus, pushed me away – he took a Spell that was intended for me, but he was already hurt… from before… and then he fell and I had to just grab him and run and there was no time to check to see if he was alright and he was already hurt from before and what if… what if he…" His voice began to tremble, and they gently coaxed him away from Snape's unconscious form as a professional team took over. Draco caught him in an embrace that spoke of a relief beyond words before the red-headed Auror could break down completely.
Lupin looked away from them back to Snape, forcing Ron's halting words out of his mind. He tried to move, to do something, but the bustling group crowded over Snape were better at resuscitation than he could ever possibly be.
He could only stand at the sidelines, clutching at the cold comfort provided by occasional glimpses of deathly pale skin and the slight rise and fall of the bloodied chest.
***
No, in retrospect, it isn't pathetic at all that I am able to appreciate Severus in all his grumpy, cranky, living glory.
"Remus, were you even listening to a single word I've been saying?" The annoyed tones of Severus' voice draws me back, and I shake off the morbid memories.
"I'm sorry, still caught up with work, I guess." I give an apologetic grin and close my notebooks determinedly. Pushing them aside, I pick up the goblet, unable to suppress the reflexive grimace despite the fact that Severus has managed to remove most of the foulness in the taste years ago.
Sometimes one never appreciates something unless it is abruptly, unexpectedly gone.
I drain the Potion swiftly, then stand up, making my way around the desk. "There, now I should be safe enough to take supper with you before I retire behind my locked doors for the evening."
"Don't be ridiculous, Remus. My Potion is effective enough that you could spend the entire night sleeping next to me as a werewolf and I'd be perfectly fine," Severus retorts as he turns to head for the door. "Hypothetically speaking, of course."
I am glad that he doesn't have to see the pained half-smile that crosses my own face at the words.
***
"What do you mean? What's wrong with him?" He stared disbelievingly at Poppy and Ginny Weasley, suddenly hating their sympathetic faces. No, please take it back. Take back what you just said. I didn't – we didn't spend so much time finally finding each other to have it be such a sham…
"I'm sorry, Professor," Ginny was obviously as uncomfortable with saying it as he was to hear it, "the final Spell that hit Professor Snape had an element of Obliviate woven into it – it wasn't strong enough to destroy all of his memories, but…"
"But he doesn't remember me anymore…"
"No! It's more like he just… well, he just can't remember…"
"Us. He doesn't remember there was an 'us'."
***
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"What do you mean?" There is a hint of amusement in the onyx gleam.
"That look – like you're speculating whether I've done something foolish." But I don't mind – I like that he can be relaxed enough around me to actually let his defences down and show his true self.
It is almost like before. I stop before I can sink further into bittersweet nostalgia.
"I'm still wondering why you gave up Defence of the Dark Arts to start working as Poppy's assistant. You've never really told me," Severus muses as he gazes lazily back at me.
"Maybe one day you'll remember," I return mildly, quashing the twinge that always comes.
"That was below the belt, Lupin." But there is no strength behind his chiding – for some reason, the loss of his memories has also brought a sense of acceptance, and a measure of peace has settled over the Potions Master. He lost the worst days of his life with the passing of Voldemort, and he'd decided to see it as a parting gift.
***
"It's better to see it as a gift, Remus. Something the fates have blessed me with as a reward," Snape had told him once, after Voldemort had finally been irrevocably killed. "Being a spy, pretending to be a loyal Death-eater and pandering to him were some of the worst days of my life, and I'm glad that now that he is gone, he won't be haunting my dreams for the rest of my life."
But what about all the rest, he had wanted to ask. What if, interspersed amongst the worst years, were the best moments, the times that pulled you through, the instants that kept you sane, the days that you were with me?
He didn't remember, and when he looked at Lupin, it was with eyes no longer haunted.
Lupin didn't say a word.
***
"Are you doing it for Black?" Severus asks suddenly, after we have settled into a comfortable silence. "You do realise that he's too far gone for even the most advanced techniques to bring him back."
"No! Whatever made you think that?" I answer a little too sharply, bringing the suspicious glitter back into his eyes.
"Sometimes I think it's almost worth it to have all my memories back if it would let me remember what it is he did that caused you and he to break apart so completely. Almost."
"No, Severus. It would never be worth it. Never." I can't summon up more than a whisper as I turn away, the anger and hate roiling up again at the mention of that name. When I had realised the extent of his betrayal and insanity.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, pulling the emotions back down again from where they had been threatening to break through the surface. Sometimes I regret not having Avada Kedavra'd him, but it's just better to let sleeping dogs lie. Which is what he's doing now at St. Mungo's, transformed into what the Muggles would call a 'vegetable' when he was caught in the backlash of the final killing spell unleashed by Voldemort before he had evaporated into the ether.
I try not to think of what will happen if he wakes up someday.
Maybe I'll be dead by then, and it would be the least of my worries.
I open my eyes again when I feel a hand cover mine. "My apologies, Remus. I was out of line." His expression is contrite, and his touch brings a comforting warmth.
"It's alright, Severus. Curiosity has always been your downfall." There's enough insinuation in it for him to glance back at me consideringly, but he shakes his head and sits back in his armchair, taking with him his warmth.
"There are some things we are better off not knowing, or remembering."
"The Severus I used to know never said that." What if I try, one more time, to see if it is still possible?
"And this is the Severus that I have become," he responds smoothly.
There is no hesitation – he is content. He doesn't need to remember.
***
"When I try to think back upon those times, Remus, all I can feel is a vague sense of horror and revulsion, but it's all very distant, like some childhood nightmare. It's not like there's a spark there that would make me desperately want to recall what I experienced. You and I both know that to have lived through this age and time, we have all done things that we would rather not have on our souls, ever. I am merely fortunate enough to have been given a second chance."
***
I simply nod and look away, immersing myself in the convolutions of the Memory Spells again.
Maybe one day I'll be fortunate enough as well, and find myself a second chance.
owari
AN: Firstly, thanks for reading this far. I have to first qualify that I never actively set out to torture Remus, but it always seems to turn out this way. I've been mulling over how to resolve 'Smirk' for a long time, but a happy ending never really felt right. However, this is in no way connected to 'Something Desired As Essential' ^_~
Please feel free to give me any constructive criticism you might have. But I would not appreciate comments merely telling me 'remus/severus/sirius would not have done that. I can't believe you wrote them like that… blah…' without backing it up with intelligent reason. This is merely how I interpret the characters that are in a piece of fanfiction that I wrote – they are not related to the actual hp universe. If you have a different way of seeing them, then please feel free to write your own story.
(Sorry for the extended rant, I received what was probably my first flame for 'smirk' the other day, and I SO did not appreciate such unconstructive feedback.)