Hello again. So i wrote this ages ago but for some strange reason never posted it until now. Its set after Journey's End when the Tenth Doctor is alone in the TARDIS. How can he cope being on his own again once more? Anyway hope you like. Might change some of it later if i remember.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything in this at all.

I can't sleep anymore. Even when I close my eyes for a moment all I can see is their faces and Davros' taunting laugh. If I do manage to fall asleep I wake suddenly. It's not always the same but it's still a nightmare and it scares the hell out of me. Sometimes I see Rose falling into the void and there is no Pete to catch her. I see Martha murdered by the Master while I was an old frail man with no power to stop him. See Donna being shot by Davros and being killed instantly. Even see Jack running out of luck; never regenerating. Occasionally I see Astrid falling and feel Jenny dying in my arms all over again. Davros' voice is all I hear as I rush to the bathroom to either throw up or splash water on my face trying to get rid of the visions that burn my retinas. It's his voice on repeat inside my head. "You fashioned them into your own weapons… a man who is always running never looking back because he dare not out of shame…how many more? Just think how many have died in your name?"

I find myself lying on my bed again staring at my ceiling. I was alone, I'm always alone these days. There was no one else on board and not for the first time since the Earth moved across the stars I feel lonely. Staring at my ceiling I thought of them. All of them even those who didn't travel with me. Each of them had touched my life and made it better. My suit jacket was next to me on the bed along with my tie that I took off because it felt like I was being strangled; suffocating with too much air. I felt claustrophobic with my jacket and tie on; everything closing in on me. Nothing has been the same since they all left; all of them with some else to care for. Sighing I slowly get up and walk out into the hallway to stare at the four closed doors next to mine. I stared at each door individually remembering everything, even thinking that there should be more than four doors here. If Jenny, my daughter, hadn't been cruelly taken from me and if Astrid had never killed herself to save me then there would be six doors instead of four. Still its better that there are only four though it hurts to think about them even now after all this time.

Rose's room was next to mine just like it had been all those years ago. Usually the doors move down to make room for a new companion but I couldn't and still can't let go of Rose. So she stays right next to me like before. Rose Tyler was beautiful, brave and wonderful. Now trapped living on a parallel world because of me. Living with me but not quite me. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so selfless. I wish that I could've been the one to say "I love you Rose." It's me not him, me. We could've travelled time and space together but there was no way I was leaving Him alone. He was far too dangerous and He could give her something I could never give; a chance to grow old and die together. Like I said before; that's one adventure I could never have. There were times, just after I lost Rose, where I'd sit in her room while Martha was asleep. I'd sit against the closed door, knees drawn up, looking the image of a lost soul. Silent tears would fall down my cheeks while my great mind showed me images of our time together. I'd imagine that she would be there lying on her bed and I'd talk to her. About the things I'd done with Martha and everything. Knowing that she would've loved to meet Shakespeare and Jack again. I told Martha that Rose's door was actually a supply closet that I'd lost the key for and now was locked forever. I think she saw through me but didn't push it. Donna knew immediately because when she turned up the TARDIS had engraved Rose Tyler in gold letters across the door. The TARDIS would never let me forget Rose Tyler even if I could. She would always be there in the back of my mind forever.

The next room is, was, Donna's. Her's has Donna Noble engraved on it. Donna I guess was my equal, well in the end she was. Someone who didn't need me to explain myself all the time, she would just get on do it. She was there to stop me when I went too far and made me realise that I need someone. One moment with Donna stands out, it was after The Library and she asked if I was alright. Being me I answered, "I'm always alright." What Donna said was so Donna. "Is alright Timelord code for really not alright at all? Because I'm alright too." I didn't need to answer her question she just knew what I meant. Donna was my sister, my best friend. We saw eye to eye in everything, well almost everything, and she was amazing. Out of all of them Donna saved more people and planets. Her compassion shone brightly though she couldn't see it. Then I played the Devil card and took it all away from her. All her memories of out times together she had to forget or her mind would burn and she would die. Her voice echoed around my head for days after. Her pleads with me to let her stay but I wasn't about to let her die in front of me not while I had the power to save her. Now she's back living with her mother and Wilfred. She will become the person who will probably never leave home and never make something of her life. The Donna I knew and loved died and it was all because of me. Never in my life have I felt such guilt for someone who stayed with me. Donna was the "Earth-girl" who changed the course of history. She will be remembered for all time; the DoctorDonna who saved the universe.

Moving down the hall I come to Martha Jones. The girl who walked the Earth in the year that never was and saved the World. I feel sorry for Martha really because during her time with me I was still getting over Rose which was hard. Everything we did together I thought of Rose and how great she'd be in those situations. But then again Rose wouldn't have been able to defeat the Master. She would not have left me on the ship where Martha did and that's what made her so different from the others. Martha Jones became a legend in the year that never was and she saved everyone. She saved me. Sweet kind Martha was the bravest of them all. Martha walked the Earth alone for an entire year and survived. Martha Jones is a survivor and always will be. Her life is brilliant now. She's got a steady job at UNIT, a husband and she is still defending the Earth from aliens. Doing what we always did. Martha Jones was brilliant but I destroyed half her life; hers and her families. I can never go back to her, she has moved on and I must too.

Captain Jack Harkness is next. His room is still here because I know there is always a chance he might travel with me. We are the two lonely men in the universe who can never die. He knows my pain now, the pain of the one who lives forever. He came to me recently and told me about the 456 and how he lost Ianto and Steven even Alice. The only way he could defeat the 456 was by killing his grandson, Steven and in the process lost love from his daughter Alice. She hates him now and will never speak to him again. He lost his love too. Ianto Jones. Jack shouted at me when he came to me, "Why weren't you there Doctor? Why couldn't you save them all? You save everyone else why can't you save me as well!" I can't be everywhere at one time. It's my fault that Jack feels the same pain as I do. I was there when Rose made him immortal but there was nothing I could do to stop her. Rose did it all on her own. And I ran; I ran so far. I wanted nothing to do with Jack because I knew one day he would come back to haunt me. The inside of his room is still the same as it was all those years ago. I guess you don't have time to pack when you are attacked by a Dalek fleet and exterminated. Jack is long gone yet he will always come back.

I guess I should've realised after all these years that when my pain eases and I believe for one shining moment that everything might be okay it's a sign that new disaster is on the way. They've broken my hearts, all of them. Sometimes I hate them. It's their fault that I have to fall so far when they leave because I can't help but love them. I can't decide whether its worse knowing them for a long time or when I just meet them and they disappear. So many times there has been nothing I can do to stop them from leaving. But its worse when they take their own lives for me. I don't deserve that. Not after all the things that I've done. I know now that I have to stop caring so much because every time I care I lose someone and it hurts too much. I need to focus when there is danger and I can't when I hurt. I treated them like my children and now they're dead because of me, I wasn't thinking right and I got them killed. I have to stop caring.

Davros was right. I ran because I was ashamed; ashamed of what I'd done to people's lives and how they had touched mine. I couldn't stay in one place too long, I was afraid I'd loose someone again. Not again, never again. My plan now is too never get that close to someone as I got to those four because in the end there will be more doors for me to gaze at; more doors that will cut my hearts in pieces until there is nothing left. The doors that represent each person who has touched my life and made it better yet I could not do the same and in the end broke there's into pieces. They would follow and haunt me for the rest of my long life; the four doors of the people I loved so dearly.

Slowly I walked back down the hallway and into the control room. Moving lazily around the controls I set them at random. A new adventure to hold my mind. I had to distract myself with anything; something that would take my mind off the four doors because even time doesn't always heal everything.

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xox