title from pushing me away by the jonas brothers. 'the night is calling and we're falling faster now'. i don't know. it seemed like a good title at the time. :s

"I don't understand why you can't accept that you're in love with me and just get over it, for the sake of both of us. I really don't see what the big deal is." Kendall whips his head around and stares at James, because it is a very, big deal.

"The big deal? I'm in love with a guy!"

James scoffs and crosses his arms. Seriously, Kendall should be done with freaking out about this. They've had this conversation over & over. James wants to be with Kendall, but Kendall doesn't know what he wants. Then he says he "needs time" but then James gets impatient, then it starts all over again. It's a never ending cycle of emotional trauma.

"No shit, Sherlock. Join the club."

Kendall sighs, putting his head down and crossing his arms as well, because James is right, this is getting old; fighting about how they feel. He does wish he could just get over it. 'It' not being in love with James, a guy, but being in love, in general. It's never happened to him before and he doesn't want to start now, but it's kind of too late because he's been desperately in love with James for as long as he can remember.

So, no, it has nothing to do with his sexuality, that's not a problem. He's just scared of getting hurt & being in a relationship. But, he couldn't tell James that because's he's tough like a tank, the strongest one in the group. He can't let his insecurities show because that's not Kendall Knight.

He finally looks up to see James taking a few small steps towards him. He copies Kendall, putting his head down and fiddling with the bottom of his shirt.
"Are... is it the fact that you're in love with guy that freaks you out, or..." He looks up at Kendall, "the fact that you're scared of getting your heart broken?"

He doesn't know what to say because again, James is right, and he needs to think about how to respond. So he takes the silence as time to take a closer look at James. His eyes look tired and he has bags under his eyes, looking like he hasn't slept in days. He can't blame him, Kendall hasn't gotten much sleep, either. He's been thinking too much about James. Then, in a few short seconds, James' expression turned from apologetic to confused to hurt.

"I'm right, aren't I?" He whispers. Kendall looks everywhere but James, shifting his eyes from the floor to his bed to his nightstand but then he can't really control it and just stares at James. He gives a helpless, lost puppy look that says Yes, and I'm sorry. I really am. I never asked to feel this way, I'm just too weak. I don't know what to do.

"I... Kendall," James laughs softly, and it almost sounds like he's about to cry. "You... you know I'd never, ever, hurt you. Right? Come on, you should know that by now."

Everyone knows that. Kendall is James' favorite person in the whole world and could never live with himself if he ever hurt Kendall, in any way possible. Kendall knows it too, but there's a little voice in the back of his head that keeps telling him that James will hurt him and he doesn't know what to believe.

"James, I know, but I just... can't get rid of the feeling, that maybe... you willl. Or that maybe I'll hurt you. Relationships are messy. People almost always get hurt," Now, Kendall's just making up excuses, "and I don't want to fuck anything up because I love you too much. I really don't want to mess this up, and... I don't know what to do. I want you to be hap-"

"God, Kendall, why can't you just decide what you want? You say you don't want to be with me but then you say how you want me to be happy?" James' voice grows softer, "I can't be happy if you're not my mine."

And shit, Kendall didn't know it was possible to fall even harder for this kid.

"Please, just make up your mind, it'd be easier for the both of us. Especially me."

Again, Kendall doesn't know what to say. He doesn't want to choose between his heart & his mind. His mind is telling him no, no, no. Do you want to get hurt? but his heart is telling him yes, yes, yes. Go for it. You won't regret itand it would just be so much easier if he didn't feel this way towards James. Of all people, why him?

But before Kendall has time to make a decision, James is already turned around and heading for the door.

"James-" James turns around and it's then that Kendall notices that he's crying. Kendall's heart falls to his stomach. He thinks he may cry himself.

"I'm in love with you, Kendall, that probably won't ever change. But you need to stop fucking with my feelings just because you don't know what you want. So, do me a favor and let me know if you want me in your life." He wipes a few tears away and sniffles before finally leaving the room, leaving Kendall standing there. It's not until later that night, when Kendall's laying in bed alone, to realize how badly he fucked it up, before it even started.

eh.