A simple robbery
SarahMc - sarahmc@planetjurai.com
Summary: Patron-Minette set out to prove that brains aren't
completely necessary for a robbery.
Disclaimer: I do not own *counts on her fingers* Les Mis, Victor Hugo,
Any of the Les Mis characters or any money so don't sue me. If anyone
threatens to sue me, I will perform my infamous "Madame T. sings 'On
My Own'" impression as loudly as possible. Thank you.
Many thanks to my wonderful prereaders, Ivy and Demonchan. I am
eternally grateful to you both.
The wiry young man shifted uncomfortably in his seat and
peered at the young woman who sat across his desk.
"So you want to rent the building?"
The girl nodded hopefully. "I can pay" she insisted, "I've brought
enough money - I can pay you right now if you want. I just really want
this house."
He looked at her as she smiled uncomfortably. She had clearly
made an effort to tidy herself up for the interview. Her lifeless greasy
hair had been combed into a ponytail and her normally filthy blouse
was clean (though not ironed, he noticed with ill disguised distaste). It
was obvious that she was from Paris' lower ebb, however he noticed a
certain distinguishing beauty about her. He glanced back at her face
that had been apparently washed by splashing cold water on it.
However, he looked over his notes and decided to interview her
anyway. *She can't be as bad as that man with the dog and the
hacking cough* he told himself.
"Well, lets begin. I am Francois Amoit and I am looking for
someone to share my home with. Mostly because I can't afford the
rent." He peered at her through his spectacles, "you wouldn't mind
sharing the house, would you?"
She shook her head; "as long as I can get a roof over my head I'll be
fine."
"Very well," he examined a clipboard, "your name, please?"
"Thenardier. Eponine Thenardier."
He nodded and scribbled the name onto the paper. He was glad that
he'd interviewed four people before her; his usual instinct at this point
would be to start stammering and sweating. However, with his
questions written down for him, he knew what he had to say, "your
current residence?"
"The Gorbeau house."
He flinched at the name, looking up at her. Eponine looked back at him
innocently, "is there something wrong, monsieur? I know it's a bad
neighbourhood but I'm not a bad person."
Amoit sighed, "There's nothing wrong, mademoiselle Thenardier. Now,
you are willing to pay 30 francs a month?"
She nodded, "anything else?"
"No, that's fine. I'll try to contact you by tomorrow, there aren't many
other applicants for this house." He stood up and extended his hand,
"it was nice speaking to you, Eponine."
She took at his hand and shook it energetically, "you will let me rent
the house won't you, monsieur? You won't regret it." She flashed what
she hoped was a reassuring smile at Francois but was actually a
hideous grin. He shrunk back in disgust and she turned a deep shade
of crimson before scurrying outside.
As she hurried back through the rain to the Gorbeau house, Eponine
cursed her luck. She'd hoped that she could move in immediately, now
she was going to have to face at least one more day with her father.
She clenched her teeth and pulled her coat further over her as she
tried to fight through the army of raindrops.
As the tall, dark facade of the Gorbeau house loomed before her,
Eponine shuddered. She'd never gotten used to its harsh,
unfriendliness. Compared to the inn, which was hardly the lap of
luxury itself, it was a complete hell.
She passed the elderly chief tenant as she walked in. The older woman
stopped her, frowning, "what have I told you about getting the carpet
wet?" she demanded.
"It's raining, Madame. You can't expect me to stop the rain, surely!"
The chief tenant frowned, this may have been a perfectly valid answer
but she was not in the mood to be contradicted, "listen, young lady"
she growled, "I'll have none of your rudeness. Your father hasn't paid
the rent this month so you'd better keep you head down and your
mouth shut."
Eponine nodded, there was no point arguing. *And besides* she told
herself, *I'll be out of here soon, anyway.* Comforted by this thought,
she passed the chief tenant and made her way to the next to last room
in the corridor.
As she passed, she heard the chief tenant calling after her, "I wasn't
finished! Your skirt is scruffy! You have no respect for the
establishment! You're a young hoodlum!" There was a pause as the
chief tenant tried to think of another insult, "and do not forget" she
screeched, "that children today have no respect!"
"You've already said that!" Eponine called back.
"They have twice as little respect!" replied the old hag as Eponine
disappeared down the corridor.
Thenardier looked up angrily at Eponine as she came in. "And where
have you been, mademoiselle? Your mother and I have been worried
sick!" Madame Thenardier looked up briefly from her novel and
nodded. She clearly hadn't been worried sick for many years.
It was a lie and Eponine knew it, "huh" she snorted derisively, "since
when did you worry about me?"
"No, no" Thenardier replied, "you were late so we had to send Azelma
out on the job instead of you. You know what she's like, she'll probably
mess it all up!"
"The job?" Eponine looked at her father, confused. Then the realisation
dawned, "oh, the bakers?" She looked down apologetically, "sorry,
father, I forgot."
"Yes well it'll be your own fault if there's no supper tonight" he glared
at her, "Azelma's never pulled off a robbery and I doubt she ever will.
You should have been here, 'Ponine."
"Well perhaps Azelma should learn how to pull off a robbery, I'm sick
of you always depending on me!" Eponine stood up and strode towards
her bed, "I won't always be here, you know." And with that, she hurled
herself onto her bed. Had she been a twenty-first century teenager,
she would have slammed her bedroom door. As it was, she did her
best to slam her blanket over her head. Thenardier looked at the lump
under the blanket. His wife ignored the situation.
"'Ponine, what on Earth are you doing?"
The lump shuffled a little, "I'm trying to ignore you."
"You look ridiculous, come out of there immediately."
The lump jiggled around irritably, "I'm not coming out" snapped
Eponine, "I happen to like it here!"
Thenardier stood up and walked over to the bed, "Eponine, get out
here now."
"Don't want to" the lump replied sulkily. Thenardier poked the lump,
which immediately started screaming and shaking all over. The gang
leader leapt back in surprise, throwing himself behind an armchair as
the lump continued to shake.
"What are you doing, girl?"
"I'm not sure," yelled the hysterical lump, "but it seems to be
working!"
"Stop that now!" Thenardier looked around the room then picked up a
small rolled up sock and threw it at the lump. It bounced off onto the
floor.
Eponine screamed. Thenardier screamed. Next door, Marius suddenly
realised that he may never see Cosette again and started screaming. A
cat in the street outside started mewing pitifully. The chief tenant,
annoyed with all the noise, started banging on the wall with a large
stick.
Madame Thenardier stood up, glaring at the lump, her husband, the
window and the wall simultaneously and bellowed, "in case you didn't
notice, I AM TRYING TO READ!"
Silence descended upon the room. Next door, Marius heard her and
was terrified into silence. The chief tenant, satisfied, stopped banging
and the cat shrivelled up in fear.
Madame Thenardier nodded, "that's better," she told them; "try to
have some courtesy in future." And, as quickly as she had stood up,
she immediately sat down and returned to her slim, trashy novel.
Eponine stopped shaking and poked her head out from under the
blankets. "I hope you've learnt your lesson" she told him sternly,
pulled her head under again and went to sleep.
Thenardier looked at the sleeping girl for a few minutes, then slowly
got up from behind the battered chair, "what lesson?" he asked
himself aloud, "that 'Ponine is a funny girl." Outside, the church clock
struck six, "and she's gone to sleep very early."
Madame Thenardier shrugged and waited for Azelma to get home.
Eponine woke up early the next day and ran downstairs. She rushed to
the room where all letters to the Gorbeau house were kept. She looked
through them all but was disappointed to see none addressed to her.
A slight cough behind her made Eponine turn round.
Francois Amoit stood, holding out a letter. He was apparently trying to
say something and failing miserably. She opened the letter and a
broad smile swept across her face. He smiled nervously and
stammered out his congratulations.
Eponine had moved out of the Gorbeau house in a matter of hours.
Thenardier, on the other hand, did not wake up until ten o' clock. By
either a bizarre coincidence or lack of interest on the part of his family
who had been awake for hours (or perhaps just a useful plot hole) he
was the first to notice the note on his bedside table. He immediately
recognised Eponine's scrawled handwriting because of its similarity to
his own. The note read as follows.
father
Iv decided to move out Im sure you will do fine without me do not
look for me
love ponine
"Move out?" he blinked and reread the note. For anyone else, it would be
difficult to decipher because of her lack of
punctuation. However, Thenardier didn't quite understand the concept of
the apostrophe himself and didn't have any trouble in that department.
He re-read the letter, then called his wife over to him.
"What is it dear?" asked the disinterested woman.
"Your daughter has decided she's going to move out! She's gone!"
His wife looked at him slowly, "well that's good, isn't it? It's nice that
she's becoming independent."
He looked at her angrily, "don't you see? This is terrible. She's not
being independent she's being defiant! This is complete and utter
defiance. She is ignoring my word, she disregards my opinion and she
acts as though she's queen of France. Oh no, this is not a good thing.
This is far from a good thing. In fact" he paused for a second, and then
continued decisively, "in fact, I'm going to get her back. Make sure she
knows her place."
He hurried into the kitchen area where Azelma was attempting to read
her mothers book.
"Mother" she called over, "what's this book about?"
"Hmm? Oh I don't know,what's it called?"
"Passion's Release..."
Madame Thenardier ran and snatched her book back from Azelma,
"that's none of your business, young lady."
Thenardier broke in, "Azelma, I want you to find your sister."
Azelma looked up, surprised. Her father thrust Eponine's note into her
hands, "she's gone off somewhere. Find her and tell me where she is."
"You expect me to just get her back? That's insane - she's older than
me and stronger too."
Her father hit her over the side of her head, "no, you dolt! Just find
her. I'll deal with her when you do."
Azelma nodded, then hurried out rubbing her head.
Thenardier glared at his wife, as though glaring at her would magically
make everything better. "You know, this is all your fault."
She didn't look up; once again her head was buried in the novel.
Thenardier sighed and sat down. Why waste precious rage on someone
who wasn't listening to him? He needed to conserve his anger for
when Eponine got home.
Eponine dumped her bag in the hallway and threw her battered coat
on top of it. Francois flinched slightly as the dirty articles fell onto his
immaculate carpet, perhaps Eponine would not be the easiest person
to live with. He stooped to pick up her coat and bag, about to tell her
where the cloakroom was, when he noticed that Eponine had
wandered off somewhere.
"Eponine?"
He called after her, confused, and Eponine poked her head around the
door.
"Yes" she smiled, clearly not realising the problem.
"Erm... well, you see I- I was just wondering if err..." he trailed off into
a garbled mass of words and attempts at words, he gestured vaguely
at Eponine's coat and bag on the floor.
The problem dawned on Eponine, "Oh, my things? Sorry, I forgot." She
smiled apologetically, "just put them in my room, will you? Thanks."
She beamed at him and disappeared behind the door, leaving Francois
still stammering and gesturing.
He shrugged to himself and, since there was clearly nothing else to do,
he picked up her bag and coat and carried them upstairs. *I suppose I
should be a gentleman about it* he thought, resignedly, *I'll tell her
about hanging up her coat tomorrow.* He sighed, Eponine was a little
odd - certainly nothing like him - but he could live with that. At least
now he could afford the rent on the house.
Eponine looked admiringly around the room. She was amazed; it was
bigger than the entire Gorbeau house apartment. She smiled to
herself; the house was a great place to be. Francois was a little
strange but she could live with that.
Azelma peered through the window of the large house. So this was
Eponine's new home. *Wow* Azelma gasped inwardly, her natural
rivalry with her sister suddenly emerging, *I don't know how 'Ponine
managed to get in here but I'm not letting her stay. What'll father say
when I tell him THIS is where Eponine is?* She chuckled to herself
under her breath and crept silently away.
Or at least, anyone else would have crept silently away. Azelma
Thenardier, however, had not mastered the art of creeping. As she
crept past the window, still watching Eponine intently, she failed to
notice a large stone that she tripped over before she landed,
screaming on the ground.
Upstairs, Francois heard her screams and grumbled inwardly. He
continued to unpack Eponine's belongings, pretending not to hear as
Eponine opened the door loudly. He pretended not to notice as her
shriek pierced the air and almost shattered his eardrums. He
pretended it was normal to hear the sound of frantic running and a girl
shouting "Azelma! Where are you going?" and he pretended that he
had expected to hear Eponine thundering up the stairs a moment
later.
Francois counted to ten, found that it didn't work and counted to
twenty. When he reached fifty-eight, he was thoroughly calmed down
and prepared for whatever it was that she wanted.
Thenardier, it was clear, had not done any counting. He pounded his
fist on the table and glared at the associated members of Patron-
Minette. The gang members stared back at him, either too dense to
understand his point or too lazy to care. This only served to enrage the
gang leader even further. "Right" he glared at them all, "you know
what you're going to do then?"
Guelemer looked up at Thenardier, "you want us to break into
Eponine's house, rob her and beat her up."
Thenardier nodded, pleased with his plan.
Guelemer furrowed his brow for a moment, looked up and started to
say something, changed his mind and looked down, looked up
decisively then changed his mind and looked down again. Finally after a long
pause, he looked up and went for the big question, "why?"
Thenardier looked at him as though he had suddenly and unexpectedly
turned purple, "why?" he repeated, "why? Haven't you been listening
to a word I've said?"
"Yes I have but I just don't see what the point of it all is."
An exasperated Thenardier explained 'the point' for the fifth time, "the
point is that without any money or possessions, she'll realise the error
of her ways and come back home. It works out perfectly - Eponine
learns that Daddy is always right, I get to look like I'm always right
and you get the satisfaction of a job well done" he paused, smirking,
"something you lot haven't experienced in a long time. It'll be a simple
robbery - in and out. Even you can do that."
He handed Montparnasse a slip of paper. "The address" he explained,
"I want this done on Friday night - Eponine is always in on Friday
nights. You can sort the rest out yourself."
As Thenardier prophesised, Francoise and Eponine spent that Friday
sitting in the living room chatting. Francois was still attempting to get
used to Eponine, though she wasn't quite as irritating as he'd first
thought.
They didn't see Babet's face pushed up against the window. The four
men crowded around the small window, trying to catch a glimpse of
Eponine.
They wore dark clothes and each carried a large canvas sack. If this
were a cartoon, the word 'swag' would be printed on each sack and
Patron Minette would be wearing black and white striped jumpers. As
it was, they wore more sensible clothes and could still be recognised
as thieves.
"Have you seen her yet?" Guelemer asked Babet.
The thin, angular man shook his head, "not yet. I can't think why.
We've been here for hours."
"I'll tell you why" Montparnasse growled, "You're not looking hard
enough! Get out of my way" dropping his sack, he shoved Babet away
from the window and peered into the house.
However, before he could actually look for Eponine, he felt Gulemar's
strong hands grabbing him and throwing him behind the gang.
Montparnasse looked up to see the huge man staring at the glass,
Claquesous and Babet trying to pull him away, the three canvas bags
had been tossed aside in the mad scurry to the window.
"Out of my way! Let me have a look," shouted Claquesous.
"Huh" Babet snorted, "What are you going to see through that mask of
yours?"
Claquesous was stopped short and spent a few entertaining minutes
glaring at Babet. Meanwhile, Babet himself was fruitlessly attempting
to prise Guelemer away from the window.
"Come on, Guelemer" he hissed, "you're meant to be standing guard.
I'd be much better at looking for Eponine!"
"Yeah right" Claquesous muttered, still trying to think of something
witty to say.
Babet shot a glance at the masked man before continuing to try to
persuade the giant.
Guelemer turned to Babet. "You wouldn't be able to see Eponine
anyway, you're as blind as a bat."
"Oh yeah? You're so stupid you wouldn't even recognize her! Now
move, you big oaf."
The dazed Montparnasse rubbed his head in confusion as Claquesous
and Babet fell upon Guelemer. In a second, the three of them were
shouting insults and throwing punches.
The whole thing seemed to be vaguely on the subject of who got to
look through the window. While they fought, Montparnasse casually
moved towards the window and looked through it. Meanwhile the
fighting men's shouts grew even louder.
Eponine sighed under her breath as the muffled shouts outside the
house grew louder. *It's probably just some urchins* she thought, *I
wish they'd shut up, though*.
Francois Amoit looked up at Eponine, "you know--" he began, "I was
just... err... you know... well-"
She looked up, "what?" She smiled tolerantly as Francois continued to
try to say whatever it was that he wanted to say, growing more and
more flustered as he did. Eponine continued to smile, wondering if
Francois would ever learn that it is possible to say something without
prefacing it with ten minutes of mumbled gibberish.
"I... err... well- would you, erm, like a cup of tea?" he managed to
force out. She nodded and before he could spend an hour asking she
added, "no sugar, thank you."
He nodded and hurried out into the kitchen.
Eponine sat back and waited for her tea. As she was waiting, the faint
hum of fighting outside grew to the louder clatter of a brawl. The
voices rose and almost sounded familiar. Perhaps she should
intervene? She shook her head and leaned back on her seat, it could
sort itself out.
Outside, the fighting had not died down. If anything, it was getting
worse. Claquesous had noticed Montparnasse at the window and now
he, Babet and Guelemer were concentrating their attention on him.
As the four men continued to fight and shout, they failed to notice the
door opening and a very annoyed Eponine emerging.
"Now listen here, you lot, I want you to all be quiet and go home" she
began, then gasped, suddenly recognising Gulemar's massive form as
the four men looked up at her.
Before Eponine could say another word, the gang had scrambled to
their feet and pushed her back inside the house.
They stood in a line in front of Eponine, despite the fact that they'd
failed in their attempt to actually break into the house, they still
managed to retain their dignity.
"Ok," Montparnasse hissed at the gang, "we've lost the element of
surprise."
"Oh really" replied a sarcastic and irritated Claquesous, "I didn't
notice." He rubbed his back, feeling a bruise forming from one of
Montparnasse's blows, he was only relieved that the elegant young
man couldn't see his vengeful expression behind his mask.
"Come on" Babet interjected, "we don't have time to argue, let's get
on with this."
Montparnasse nodded, stepping forward and addressing the girl,
"Eponine, this is a robbery."
She nodded, trying to conceal her amusement.
"We are here," continued Montparnasse, "to rob all your stuff and then
beat you up until you pass out. Hopefully, when you wake up, you will
have forgotten it was us who robbed you since you weren't meant to
find that out in the first place. We didn't actually WANT to beat you up,
but when you interrupted us you found out who we were. The only
sensible option now is to make you pass out in the hopes that when
you come 'round you will have forgotten the whole thing."
Eponine looked at Montparnasse, incredulous at the stupidity of the
whole thing.
Claquesous sensed, to his annoyance, that Eponine was clearly
experiencing an emotion other than complete and utter terror. He then
noticed Babet, who was not keeping his amusement as well
suppressed as Eponine and snickering under his breath. Claquesous
glared at Babet and hit him in the stomach.
Babet shot Claquesous a glance and nudged him with his elbow.
Montparnasse continued to make his speech as a fight between
Claquesous and Babet broke out behind him. He paused for a minute,
noticing Eponine glancing behind him.
"What?" Montparnasse turned around, Claquesous and Babet snapped
to attention, "well? What were you looking at?"
"Yes, Ponine" Babet sneered, "what're you looking at?"
Eponine sighed, her voice coaxing and mocking at once. "Come on
'Parnasse why don't you all just go home? I don't think Patron-Minette
needs ANOTHER humiliation, do you?"
Claquesous glared at her behind his mask, "shut up, you." He turned
to Montparnasse, "come on, let's get on with this."
Montparnasse nodded, motioning to Guelemer who grabbed Eponine.
She struggled in his grasp for a few minutes before sighing and
allowing herself to go limp, *let them have their fun* she told herself,
*they can't do any real damage.*
However, tonight Patron-Minette were out to prove that brains aren't
completely necessary for a robbery.
The concept of a 'simple robbery', as Thenardier had put it, was clearly
an alien one to Montparnasse. Pointing at a large, elegant armchair, he
commanded Claquesous and Babet to "steal that, it will look good in
my dining room."
The two scrawny men looked at the chair for a minute, and then at
each other, they took this in and thought for a second before
exploding into fits of helpless and hysterical laughter.
"What's the problem?" Montparnasse bellowed.
Babet gasped for air and momentarily managed to calm himself, "you
expect US to lift THAT?" he hooted, "we couldn't lift it if there were two
more of us!"
Montparnasse bristled, "listen" he barked, "I'm in charge here and if I
say pick up the chair, you pick it up. If I tell you to steal a lamp, you
steal a lamp. If I tell you to dance around the table, you bloody well do
it!"
"Well that's all very well" Claquesous replied, "but it's physically
impossible for us to pick it up."
"Fine" snapped Montparnasse, "try and get anything that fits into your
bags."
There was a pause as the two men looked down at their empty hands.
"Erm, 'Parnasse? We seem to have lost the bags."
Montparnasse let out an exasperated sigh, "you left them outside,
didn't you? Do I have to do EVERYTHING?" With that, he flung the
door open muttering to himself.
As he hurried outside, he stopped and turned back to face Claquesous
and Babet.
"Well? What're you waiting for? Come on!"
The thieves hurried out, leaving Guelemer in the living room with
Eponine.
And where, you ask, was Francois all this time? Surely it can't take all
that long to make two cups of tea!
However, for Francois Amoit, this was one of his better moments. He
had scurried into the kitchen, muttering to himself after offering to
make some tea.
The kitchen was dark and as he went in, he almost tripped over a
stool. However, he managed to navigate the fundamental war zone of
things to trip over that was the kitchen. He lit a candle and realised
that this 'war zone' consisted of a stool and a small box that was
inexplicably lying in the middle of the room.
In the dark half-light, he filled the kettle with water from a bucket that
stood in the corner of the kitchen. Then he put it on the stove and
waited for it to boil.
As he waited for it to boil, he took out two mugs and filled them with
tealeaves and added some milk.
He continued to wait for the tea to boil.
As he did so, he opened and closed the window to give himself
something to do.
Having gotten tired of this exercise, he left the window open and
drummed his fingers on the cupboard.
He continued to wait.
The tea stoutly refused to boil.
He waited some more.
The tea ignored him and continued as slowly as ever.
He looked angrily at the kettle, obstinately refusing to boil.
Annoyed, he decided to go back into the living room.
Quietly, he opened the door to see Guelemer, Montparnasse, Babet
and Claquesous standing in front of Eponine.
He hurriedly closed the door and returned to the kitchen, leaning
against the door for support. There were THEIVES! Thieves in his own
house!
He shuddered at the very thought of it.
They clearly hadn't noticed him the first time, so he peeped through
the door again before quickly withdrawing.
They weren't just any thieves, he realised with horror, these men were
members of Patron Minette.
Francois had not heard of the downhill slump that Patron Minette had
recently undergone, as far as he knew, Patron Minette where the
terror of the streets. He took another tentative glance into the living
room.
They may be the terror of the streets but they were somewhat
disorganised. He watched intently as the one who seemed to be the
leader shouted and bawled.
Hurriedly he returned to the kitchen. His thoughts raced, what on
earth was he meant to do? He couldn't escape and leave Eponine here.
Why had the thieves come here anyway? Where they after Eponine?
He thought for a moment, *Eponine Thenardier. Her former residence,
the Gorbeau house. Patron Minette with their leader Thenardier.*
His heart stopped as he thought this over for a minute.
*Their leader Thenardier.*
*The same Thenardier as the infamous tenant of the Gorbeau house
who never pays his rent?*
*The same Thenardier who constantly fights with his DAUGHTER?*
Francois' breathing increased dramatically as did his panic.
*Eponine is associated with Patron-Minette?*
He gasped, frantically scanning the room for a weapon.
*Oh god, I need a cup of tea.*
He looked over to the kettle and groaned in frustration as he realised
that it still hadn't boiled.
His eyes fell upon the still-open window. It was small but he was
confident that he could squeeze through it.
Approaching the window, he stuck his head and arms through it. Next
he pulled himself through it.
This was it, he was getting out now, he just needed to get his legs out.
Ok, he was a little stuck.
Curse it. If he only had one leg, he wouldn't have this problem.
He grunted, trying to pull his trapped legs out into the street.
An old woman passed him; he called out to her, "Madame! Madame,
will you help me please?"
She looked at him slowly, before speaking in an offended tone,
"excuse me, young man, but I am NOT married. I am a
'mademoiselle'." She stalked off muttering something about young
people being rude. Unbeknown to Francois, she was the chief tenant of
the Gorbeau house. Annoyed, he did his best to pull himself through
the window, losing one of his shoes as he did so and tearing his shirt.
His spectacles fell with a clatter to the floor and he searched for them
blindly for a few minutes.
When he found them, he spent a minute or so congratulating himself
on his thin build and ability to find missing glasses.
He then pulled himself up, hearing Montparnasse's shouts from inside
the house, he decided he should try and get help now.
Fortunately the police station was not far from his home, only a few
streets away. However, 'only a few streets' takes a long time to walk
on a chill winter evening when someone is not wearing enough shoes.
Inspector Javert sat at his desk scribbling on a piece of paper. He had
to get this finished within four hours or risk a pay cut. He muttered
something under his breath as he reread his work.
The door of his office was flung open and he stood up in alarm.
"What on earth is going on?" demanded the startled inspector as the
desperate man stood before him.
"Monsieur... I, I-- you see I, um... "
Javert glared at him, "come on, man, spit it out!"
Javert's imposing attitude did nothing for Francois' nerves and he
descended into more stammering.
The inspector looked at the young man, "listen, you dolt, I can't help
you if I don't know what your problem is."
Francois looked imploringly up at Javert, "monsieur... I, they-
Eponine, erm- Patron Minette, they-" he spluttered.
Javert stopped him, "what about Patron Minette?"
"I, well, erm-"
Javert grabbed Francois by the shoulders, "calm down!"
Francois lowered his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Now" Javert looked at him closely, "what is your problem?"
"Patron Minette. They're in my house. It's a robbery."
Within minutes, Javert and Francois were rushing back towards
Francois' house.
Eponine had watched as Claquesous and Montparnasse and Babet had
somehow gotten hold of all the money in the house. Now they were
starting on the ornaments.
"Hey" Babet held up a small painting of Francois in a gold frame, "ugly
feller, isn't he?"
Claquesous chortled, "indeed. That frame should be worth something,
lose the picture, though, you don't want to scare off any customers, do you?"
"Stop that!" Eponine shouted, "come on, why don't you all just go?"
Montparnasse grinned, "but 'Ponine, we haven't knocked you out yet!"
Guelemer looked up, "when ARE we going to knock her out?"
"Oh I don't know" Montparnasse replied loftily, "Whenever I feel the
need I think."
Eponine sighed, where on earth was Francois? Why hadn't he come
out?
*Probably knocked himself out on the kettle.*
In fact, Javert and Francois where currently trying to force their way
through the kitchen window. Francois had eventually managed it but
Javert was having more difficulty.
"How on Earth did you get through this?" he glared at Francois who
was examining the kettle with some dismay.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you wasting your time? Get over
here and help me!"
Francois stared miserably at the kettle.
"Well? What is it?"
Francois looked up, "the water STILL hasn't boiled."
Javert muttered something under his breath before loudly
commanding Francois to help pull him in.
Montparnasse had apparently 'felt the need' to knock Eponine out.
"Guelemer" he instructed, "knock Eponine out."
The large man looked at him sheepishly, "I can't."
Montparnasse looked at him, surprised.
"You can't?"
"No."
"Well for god's sake why not?"
"Well" Guelemer paused, "well, Babet will tell you."
Montparnasse looked over to Babet who looked away and murmered something to the effect that
Claquesous would tell him.
The masked man looked Montparnasse eye to painted eye and spoke
slowly.
"We can't hurt her, she's a woman."
Montparnasse looked at Babet and Guelemer who nodded.
"That's why?" he laughed out loud, "you can't hurt a woman but it's all
very well to grab a woman so she can't move, try to break into her
house and steal her things?"
"We don't make the rules, we just follow them" Babet pointed out.
Claquesous nodded, "it's not our fault they don't make sense."
"Oh really?" Montparnasse allowed a smirk to creep across his face,
"well since you're following the rules let me tell you that I make them
here and that you are going to knock Eponine out now!"
Claquesous nodded reluctantly and approached Eponine. He raised his
hand and brought it down as lightly as possible upon her shoulder.
"Take that, Ponine!" he shouted, then 'noticed' that she hadn't fainted.
He stepped back in mock horror, "my god! She's still awake! I guess
we'll just have to take the loot and run away." He turned to leave but
felt a sharp blow to the head from Montparnasse
"Stop messing around" Montparnasse snapped, "We don't have much
time left."
Indeed they didn't. At that moment, Javert and Francois burst into the
room. The inspector had found that the only way to fit through the window was to
remove his greatcoat and was both of his shoes but looked intimidating
nonetheless.
Francois, who never looked anything like intimidating, looked more
pathetic than usual. His shirt was torn, his usually neat hair was messy
and he too had now lost both boots. Francois seemed almost dead on
his feet, but Javert was standing tall.
He strode towards the door, effectively blocking the exit.
"Now" he smiled, "will you come quietly?"
Montparnasse looked at the gang and nodded. Stepping up to Javert,
he replied, "We intend to make as much noise as is humanly possible.
So there."
Javert blinked before having to cover his ears when the four men
started screaming at the tops of their voices. Guelemer dropped
Eponine, who rushed over to Francois covering her ears.
The screams grew louder, filling the room. The inspector's face was a
picture of irritation. Eponine gave the inspector a worried glance.
"Are you alright, monsieur?"
He ignored her, so she repeated it. Louder.
She continued to ask, getting louder and louder.
He continued to fume silently.
Francois started stammering about something.
The four men continued to shout.
Eponine continued to ask him if he was feeling okay.
"SILENCE!"
Javert shouted as loudly as his lungs would allow. However, Javert was
not Madame Thenardier and not capable of shutting a roomful of
people up merely by shouting.
He decided to take alternative action. Pulling out a gun, he aimed at
the ceiling and fired.
Silence descended upon the room.
Babet, seizing his chance, fell to the floor clutching his chest.
"He shot me!" wailed the gang member, "that's inhumane!"
Eponine groaned, "Babet, he aimed at the ceiling."
"Well he hit me" Babet screeched, "I am a victim of police brutality."
Javert was ignoring him; he clapped handcuffs onto Claquesous and
Montparnasse.
As the inspector moved on, Montparnasse sidled up to Eponine, "come
on, 'Ponine. You wouldn't let your old pals go to jail, would you?"
She snorted, "If it were up to me, you'd hang!"
"You know we could break out, don't you? We'd break out, then I'd
find you and we'd get married." He smiled horribly as she seemed to
shrink away.
"I know you couldn't."
"You know I could. Of course, I might lose interest in you somehow."
She looked at him warily, "how?"
Montparnasse smiled again, "if we didn't go to jail in the first place
then I could go and find my own mistress. I could even do you a
personal favour."
Eponine looked around nervously, lowering her voice, "you mean it?"
"Montparnasse never goes back on his word."
"Well..." Eponine looked doubtful. Suddenly Guelemer caught her
attention. The big man threw himself onto the floor imitating Babet.
"AAARH! He shot me!"
Everyone (except Eponine who stood with a puzzled look on her face)
turned to Guelemer who continued, "shooting TWO men at once,
Javert! What a thing to do!"
Babet stood up and hit Guelemer around the head. "Idiot. He might've
believed me."
"Is- is- isn't it a g-good job that, erm, M. L'insp'- inspector could be
well, be here?" Francois smiled at Eponine, who seemed lost in
thought.
Guelemer rubbed his head and stood up too, offering his wrists to
Javert.
Babet was handcuffed and Javert motioned for the gang to leave as a
cry rose up from Eponine.
"Wait! These men are innocent!"
Everyone turned to the girl. She nodded, he voice was frantic and she
seemed to take a breath every other moment, "they're innocent. Yes,
yes they are."
"What is this nonsense, girl?" Javert was puzzled and annoyed that he
might lose his prey, "I'm trying to work."
"But they're innocent" she insisted, seeming more and more
hysterical, "I'll tell you who the REAL thief is- it's, it's" she floundered
for a second before turning on Francois, "it's him!"
"What? B- but Eponine I-"
"Yes" she nodded frantically, "he's the thief. I asked these chaps to
come to protect me. He's a mass murderer. He confessed to me last
night!"
Javert looked doubtfully at the mouse-like creature standing next to Eponine.
"Don't let the stammering fool you" Eponine continued desperately,
"It's all part of his act. This is a dangerous man, inspector, arrest him."
Francois looked shocked as Javert nodded to himself.
"That would explain" he mused, "how he managed to get through the
window."
Eponine nodded, "I implore you, monsieur, don't let this hardened
criminal get away!"
Javert nodded, uncuffing the four men. Francois stammered out his
protestations as the somewhat misinformed inspector pulled him
outside.
Eponine gave a mournful glance through the window, "it's a pity we
had to do that. He was quite a nice boy."
Montparnasse smiled slyly, "but not as nice as a certain monsieur
Pontmercy, eh?"
She looked up sharply, "what about Marius?"
"Just move back home and everything will be taken care of."
Eponine returned to the Gorbeau house and was surprised at
Thenardier's attitude. He'd clearly been expecting her back. As for
Montparnasse's enigmatic reference to Marius, all became clear a few
days later.
Montparnasse was visiting, chatting to Thenardier when a scream was
heard outside.
She thought nothing of it until thirty minutes later when a knock was
heard at the door. Montparnasse stood up and opened it to reveal a
drenched Marius Pontmercy.
Thenardier scurried up behind Montparnasse and looked pointedly at
Marius. Sitting on the armchair, Eponine pricked up her ears.
"What" he growled, "do you want?"
"Excuse me, monsieur. My apartment was flooded somehow. The chief
tenant said it might take a week to repair."
Thenardier nodded slowly, "so?"
Marius was taken aback by Thenardier's failure to notice what he was
getting at "So I need somewhere to stay."
"And?"
"And... well" Marius shifted uncomfortably, "could I stay with you,
monsieur? I could pay!"
Thenardier smiled warmly, "my boy, you had me at 'I could pay'.
Welcome to my humble abode."
Marius stepped into the apartment and Eponine noticed Montparnasse
distinctly turn 'round and wink at her.
Eponine looked at the new tenant as he unpacked his bags. She
realised for the first time ever that life in the Gorbeau house was not
quite as bad as she might have thought.
SarahMc - sarahmc@planetjurai.com
Summary: Patron-Minette set out to prove that brains aren't
completely necessary for a robbery.
Disclaimer: I do not own *counts on her fingers* Les Mis, Victor Hugo,
Any of the Les Mis characters or any money so don't sue me. If anyone
threatens to sue me, I will perform my infamous "Madame T. sings 'On
My Own'" impression as loudly as possible. Thank you.
Many thanks to my wonderful prereaders, Ivy and Demonchan. I am
eternally grateful to you both.
The wiry young man shifted uncomfortably in his seat and
peered at the young woman who sat across his desk.
"So you want to rent the building?"
The girl nodded hopefully. "I can pay" she insisted, "I've brought
enough money - I can pay you right now if you want. I just really want
this house."
He looked at her as she smiled uncomfortably. She had clearly
made an effort to tidy herself up for the interview. Her lifeless greasy
hair had been combed into a ponytail and her normally filthy blouse
was clean (though not ironed, he noticed with ill disguised distaste). It
was obvious that she was from Paris' lower ebb, however he noticed a
certain distinguishing beauty about her. He glanced back at her face
that had been apparently washed by splashing cold water on it.
However, he looked over his notes and decided to interview her
anyway. *She can't be as bad as that man with the dog and the
hacking cough* he told himself.
"Well, lets begin. I am Francois Amoit and I am looking for
someone to share my home with. Mostly because I can't afford the
rent." He peered at her through his spectacles, "you wouldn't mind
sharing the house, would you?"
She shook her head; "as long as I can get a roof over my head I'll be
fine."
"Very well," he examined a clipboard, "your name, please?"
"Thenardier. Eponine Thenardier."
He nodded and scribbled the name onto the paper. He was glad that
he'd interviewed four people before her; his usual instinct at this point
would be to start stammering and sweating. However, with his
questions written down for him, he knew what he had to say, "your
current residence?"
"The Gorbeau house."
He flinched at the name, looking up at her. Eponine looked back at him
innocently, "is there something wrong, monsieur? I know it's a bad
neighbourhood but I'm not a bad person."
Amoit sighed, "There's nothing wrong, mademoiselle Thenardier. Now,
you are willing to pay 30 francs a month?"
She nodded, "anything else?"
"No, that's fine. I'll try to contact you by tomorrow, there aren't many
other applicants for this house." He stood up and extended his hand,
"it was nice speaking to you, Eponine."
She took at his hand and shook it energetically, "you will let me rent
the house won't you, monsieur? You won't regret it." She flashed what
she hoped was a reassuring smile at Francois but was actually a
hideous grin. He shrunk back in disgust and she turned a deep shade
of crimson before scurrying outside.
As she hurried back through the rain to the Gorbeau house, Eponine
cursed her luck. She'd hoped that she could move in immediately, now
she was going to have to face at least one more day with her father.
She clenched her teeth and pulled her coat further over her as she
tried to fight through the army of raindrops.
As the tall, dark facade of the Gorbeau house loomed before her,
Eponine shuddered. She'd never gotten used to its harsh,
unfriendliness. Compared to the inn, which was hardly the lap of
luxury itself, it was a complete hell.
She passed the elderly chief tenant as she walked in. The older woman
stopped her, frowning, "what have I told you about getting the carpet
wet?" she demanded.
"It's raining, Madame. You can't expect me to stop the rain, surely!"
The chief tenant frowned, this may have been a perfectly valid answer
but she was not in the mood to be contradicted, "listen, young lady"
she growled, "I'll have none of your rudeness. Your father hasn't paid
the rent this month so you'd better keep you head down and your
mouth shut."
Eponine nodded, there was no point arguing. *And besides* she told
herself, *I'll be out of here soon, anyway.* Comforted by this thought,
she passed the chief tenant and made her way to the next to last room
in the corridor.
As she passed, she heard the chief tenant calling after her, "I wasn't
finished! Your skirt is scruffy! You have no respect for the
establishment! You're a young hoodlum!" There was a pause as the
chief tenant tried to think of another insult, "and do not forget" she
screeched, "that children today have no respect!"
"You've already said that!" Eponine called back.
"They have twice as little respect!" replied the old hag as Eponine
disappeared down the corridor.
Thenardier looked up angrily at Eponine as she came in. "And where
have you been, mademoiselle? Your mother and I have been worried
sick!" Madame Thenardier looked up briefly from her novel and
nodded. She clearly hadn't been worried sick for many years.
It was a lie and Eponine knew it, "huh" she snorted derisively, "since
when did you worry about me?"
"No, no" Thenardier replied, "you were late so we had to send Azelma
out on the job instead of you. You know what she's like, she'll probably
mess it all up!"
"The job?" Eponine looked at her father, confused. Then the realisation
dawned, "oh, the bakers?" She looked down apologetically, "sorry,
father, I forgot."
"Yes well it'll be your own fault if there's no supper tonight" he glared
at her, "Azelma's never pulled off a robbery and I doubt she ever will.
You should have been here, 'Ponine."
"Well perhaps Azelma should learn how to pull off a robbery, I'm sick
of you always depending on me!" Eponine stood up and strode towards
her bed, "I won't always be here, you know." And with that, she hurled
herself onto her bed. Had she been a twenty-first century teenager,
she would have slammed her bedroom door. As it was, she did her
best to slam her blanket over her head. Thenardier looked at the lump
under the blanket. His wife ignored the situation.
"'Ponine, what on Earth are you doing?"
The lump shuffled a little, "I'm trying to ignore you."
"You look ridiculous, come out of there immediately."
The lump jiggled around irritably, "I'm not coming out" snapped
Eponine, "I happen to like it here!"
Thenardier stood up and walked over to the bed, "Eponine, get out
here now."
"Don't want to" the lump replied sulkily. Thenardier poked the lump,
which immediately started screaming and shaking all over. The gang
leader leapt back in surprise, throwing himself behind an armchair as
the lump continued to shake.
"What are you doing, girl?"
"I'm not sure," yelled the hysterical lump, "but it seems to be
working!"
"Stop that now!" Thenardier looked around the room then picked up a
small rolled up sock and threw it at the lump. It bounced off onto the
floor.
Eponine screamed. Thenardier screamed. Next door, Marius suddenly
realised that he may never see Cosette again and started screaming. A
cat in the street outside started mewing pitifully. The chief tenant,
annoyed with all the noise, started banging on the wall with a large
stick.
Madame Thenardier stood up, glaring at the lump, her husband, the
window and the wall simultaneously and bellowed, "in case you didn't
notice, I AM TRYING TO READ!"
Silence descended upon the room. Next door, Marius heard her and
was terrified into silence. The chief tenant, satisfied, stopped banging
and the cat shrivelled up in fear.
Madame Thenardier nodded, "that's better," she told them; "try to
have some courtesy in future." And, as quickly as she had stood up,
she immediately sat down and returned to her slim, trashy novel.
Eponine stopped shaking and poked her head out from under the
blankets. "I hope you've learnt your lesson" she told him sternly,
pulled her head under again and went to sleep.
Thenardier looked at the sleeping girl for a few minutes, then slowly
got up from behind the battered chair, "what lesson?" he asked
himself aloud, "that 'Ponine is a funny girl." Outside, the church clock
struck six, "and she's gone to sleep very early."
Madame Thenardier shrugged and waited for Azelma to get home.
Eponine woke up early the next day and ran downstairs. She rushed to
the room where all letters to the Gorbeau house were kept. She looked
through them all but was disappointed to see none addressed to her.
A slight cough behind her made Eponine turn round.
Francois Amoit stood, holding out a letter. He was apparently trying to
say something and failing miserably. She opened the letter and a
broad smile swept across her face. He smiled nervously and
stammered out his congratulations.
Eponine had moved out of the Gorbeau house in a matter of hours.
Thenardier, on the other hand, did not wake up until ten o' clock. By
either a bizarre coincidence or lack of interest on the part of his family
who had been awake for hours (or perhaps just a useful plot hole) he
was the first to notice the note on his bedside table. He immediately
recognised Eponine's scrawled handwriting because of its similarity to
his own. The note read as follows.
father
Iv decided to move out Im sure you will do fine without me do not
look for me
love ponine
"Move out?" he blinked and reread the note. For anyone else, it would be
difficult to decipher because of her lack of
punctuation. However, Thenardier didn't quite understand the concept of
the apostrophe himself and didn't have any trouble in that department.
He re-read the letter, then called his wife over to him.
"What is it dear?" asked the disinterested woman.
"Your daughter has decided she's going to move out! She's gone!"
His wife looked at him slowly, "well that's good, isn't it? It's nice that
she's becoming independent."
He looked at her angrily, "don't you see? This is terrible. She's not
being independent she's being defiant! This is complete and utter
defiance. She is ignoring my word, she disregards my opinion and she
acts as though she's queen of France. Oh no, this is not a good thing.
This is far from a good thing. In fact" he paused for a second, and then
continued decisively, "in fact, I'm going to get her back. Make sure she
knows her place."
He hurried into the kitchen area where Azelma was attempting to read
her mothers book.
"Mother" she called over, "what's this book about?"
"Hmm? Oh I don't know,what's it called?"
"Passion's Release..."
Madame Thenardier ran and snatched her book back from Azelma,
"that's none of your business, young lady."
Thenardier broke in, "Azelma, I want you to find your sister."
Azelma looked up, surprised. Her father thrust Eponine's note into her
hands, "she's gone off somewhere. Find her and tell me where she is."
"You expect me to just get her back? That's insane - she's older than
me and stronger too."
Her father hit her over the side of her head, "no, you dolt! Just find
her. I'll deal with her when you do."
Azelma nodded, then hurried out rubbing her head.
Thenardier glared at his wife, as though glaring at her would magically
make everything better. "You know, this is all your fault."
She didn't look up; once again her head was buried in the novel.
Thenardier sighed and sat down. Why waste precious rage on someone
who wasn't listening to him? He needed to conserve his anger for
when Eponine got home.
Eponine dumped her bag in the hallway and threw her battered coat
on top of it. Francois flinched slightly as the dirty articles fell onto his
immaculate carpet, perhaps Eponine would not be the easiest person
to live with. He stooped to pick up her coat and bag, about to tell her
where the cloakroom was, when he noticed that Eponine had
wandered off somewhere.
"Eponine?"
He called after her, confused, and Eponine poked her head around the
door.
"Yes" she smiled, clearly not realising the problem.
"Erm... well, you see I- I was just wondering if err..." he trailed off into
a garbled mass of words and attempts at words, he gestured vaguely
at Eponine's coat and bag on the floor.
The problem dawned on Eponine, "Oh, my things? Sorry, I forgot." She
smiled apologetically, "just put them in my room, will you? Thanks."
She beamed at him and disappeared behind the door, leaving Francois
still stammering and gesturing.
He shrugged to himself and, since there was clearly nothing else to do,
he picked up her bag and coat and carried them upstairs. *I suppose I
should be a gentleman about it* he thought, resignedly, *I'll tell her
about hanging up her coat tomorrow.* He sighed, Eponine was a little
odd - certainly nothing like him - but he could live with that. At least
now he could afford the rent on the house.
Eponine looked admiringly around the room. She was amazed; it was
bigger than the entire Gorbeau house apartment. She smiled to
herself; the house was a great place to be. Francois was a little
strange but she could live with that.
Azelma peered through the window of the large house. So this was
Eponine's new home. *Wow* Azelma gasped inwardly, her natural
rivalry with her sister suddenly emerging, *I don't know how 'Ponine
managed to get in here but I'm not letting her stay. What'll father say
when I tell him THIS is where Eponine is?* She chuckled to herself
under her breath and crept silently away.
Or at least, anyone else would have crept silently away. Azelma
Thenardier, however, had not mastered the art of creeping. As she
crept past the window, still watching Eponine intently, she failed to
notice a large stone that she tripped over before she landed,
screaming on the ground.
Upstairs, Francois heard her screams and grumbled inwardly. He
continued to unpack Eponine's belongings, pretending not to hear as
Eponine opened the door loudly. He pretended not to notice as her
shriek pierced the air and almost shattered his eardrums. He
pretended it was normal to hear the sound of frantic running and a girl
shouting "Azelma! Where are you going?" and he pretended that he
had expected to hear Eponine thundering up the stairs a moment
later.
Francois counted to ten, found that it didn't work and counted to
twenty. When he reached fifty-eight, he was thoroughly calmed down
and prepared for whatever it was that she wanted.
Thenardier, it was clear, had not done any counting. He pounded his
fist on the table and glared at the associated members of Patron-
Minette. The gang members stared back at him, either too dense to
understand his point or too lazy to care. This only served to enrage the
gang leader even further. "Right" he glared at them all, "you know
what you're going to do then?"
Guelemer looked up at Thenardier, "you want us to break into
Eponine's house, rob her and beat her up."
Thenardier nodded, pleased with his plan.
Guelemer furrowed his brow for a moment, looked up and started to
say something, changed his mind and looked down, looked up
decisively then changed his mind and looked down again. Finally after a long
pause, he looked up and went for the big question, "why?"
Thenardier looked at him as though he had suddenly and unexpectedly
turned purple, "why?" he repeated, "why? Haven't you been listening
to a word I've said?"
"Yes I have but I just don't see what the point of it all is."
An exasperated Thenardier explained 'the point' for the fifth time, "the
point is that without any money or possessions, she'll realise the error
of her ways and come back home. It works out perfectly - Eponine
learns that Daddy is always right, I get to look like I'm always right
and you get the satisfaction of a job well done" he paused, smirking,
"something you lot haven't experienced in a long time. It'll be a simple
robbery - in and out. Even you can do that."
He handed Montparnasse a slip of paper. "The address" he explained,
"I want this done on Friday night - Eponine is always in on Friday
nights. You can sort the rest out yourself."
As Thenardier prophesised, Francoise and Eponine spent that Friday
sitting in the living room chatting. Francois was still attempting to get
used to Eponine, though she wasn't quite as irritating as he'd first
thought.
They didn't see Babet's face pushed up against the window. The four
men crowded around the small window, trying to catch a glimpse of
Eponine.
They wore dark clothes and each carried a large canvas sack. If this
were a cartoon, the word 'swag' would be printed on each sack and
Patron Minette would be wearing black and white striped jumpers. As
it was, they wore more sensible clothes and could still be recognised
as thieves.
"Have you seen her yet?" Guelemer asked Babet.
The thin, angular man shook his head, "not yet. I can't think why.
We've been here for hours."
"I'll tell you why" Montparnasse growled, "You're not looking hard
enough! Get out of my way" dropping his sack, he shoved Babet away
from the window and peered into the house.
However, before he could actually look for Eponine, he felt Gulemar's
strong hands grabbing him and throwing him behind the gang.
Montparnasse looked up to see the huge man staring at the glass,
Claquesous and Babet trying to pull him away, the three canvas bags
had been tossed aside in the mad scurry to the window.
"Out of my way! Let me have a look," shouted Claquesous.
"Huh" Babet snorted, "What are you going to see through that mask of
yours?"
Claquesous was stopped short and spent a few entertaining minutes
glaring at Babet. Meanwhile, Babet himself was fruitlessly attempting
to prise Guelemer away from the window.
"Come on, Guelemer" he hissed, "you're meant to be standing guard.
I'd be much better at looking for Eponine!"
"Yeah right" Claquesous muttered, still trying to think of something
witty to say.
Babet shot a glance at the masked man before continuing to try to
persuade the giant.
Guelemer turned to Babet. "You wouldn't be able to see Eponine
anyway, you're as blind as a bat."
"Oh yeah? You're so stupid you wouldn't even recognize her! Now
move, you big oaf."
The dazed Montparnasse rubbed his head in confusion as Claquesous
and Babet fell upon Guelemer. In a second, the three of them were
shouting insults and throwing punches.
The whole thing seemed to be vaguely on the subject of who got to
look through the window. While they fought, Montparnasse casually
moved towards the window and looked through it. Meanwhile the
fighting men's shouts grew even louder.
Eponine sighed under her breath as the muffled shouts outside the
house grew louder. *It's probably just some urchins* she thought, *I
wish they'd shut up, though*.
Francois Amoit looked up at Eponine, "you know--" he began, "I was
just... err... you know... well-"
She looked up, "what?" She smiled tolerantly as Francois continued to
try to say whatever it was that he wanted to say, growing more and
more flustered as he did. Eponine continued to smile, wondering if
Francois would ever learn that it is possible to say something without
prefacing it with ten minutes of mumbled gibberish.
"I... err... well- would you, erm, like a cup of tea?" he managed to
force out. She nodded and before he could spend an hour asking she
added, "no sugar, thank you."
He nodded and hurried out into the kitchen.
Eponine sat back and waited for her tea. As she was waiting, the faint
hum of fighting outside grew to the louder clatter of a brawl. The
voices rose and almost sounded familiar. Perhaps she should
intervene? She shook her head and leaned back on her seat, it could
sort itself out.
Outside, the fighting had not died down. If anything, it was getting
worse. Claquesous had noticed Montparnasse at the window and now
he, Babet and Guelemer were concentrating their attention on him.
As the four men continued to fight and shout, they failed to notice the
door opening and a very annoyed Eponine emerging.
"Now listen here, you lot, I want you to all be quiet and go home" she
began, then gasped, suddenly recognising Gulemar's massive form as
the four men looked up at her.
Before Eponine could say another word, the gang had scrambled to
their feet and pushed her back inside the house.
They stood in a line in front of Eponine, despite the fact that they'd
failed in their attempt to actually break into the house, they still
managed to retain their dignity.
"Ok," Montparnasse hissed at the gang, "we've lost the element of
surprise."
"Oh really" replied a sarcastic and irritated Claquesous, "I didn't
notice." He rubbed his back, feeling a bruise forming from one of
Montparnasse's blows, he was only relieved that the elegant young
man couldn't see his vengeful expression behind his mask.
"Come on" Babet interjected, "we don't have time to argue, let's get
on with this."
Montparnasse nodded, stepping forward and addressing the girl,
"Eponine, this is a robbery."
She nodded, trying to conceal her amusement.
"We are here," continued Montparnasse, "to rob all your stuff and then
beat you up until you pass out. Hopefully, when you wake up, you will
have forgotten it was us who robbed you since you weren't meant to
find that out in the first place. We didn't actually WANT to beat you up,
but when you interrupted us you found out who we were. The only
sensible option now is to make you pass out in the hopes that when
you come 'round you will have forgotten the whole thing."
Eponine looked at Montparnasse, incredulous at the stupidity of the
whole thing.
Claquesous sensed, to his annoyance, that Eponine was clearly
experiencing an emotion other than complete and utter terror. He then
noticed Babet, who was not keeping his amusement as well
suppressed as Eponine and snickering under his breath. Claquesous
glared at Babet and hit him in the stomach.
Babet shot Claquesous a glance and nudged him with his elbow.
Montparnasse continued to make his speech as a fight between
Claquesous and Babet broke out behind him. He paused for a minute,
noticing Eponine glancing behind him.
"What?" Montparnasse turned around, Claquesous and Babet snapped
to attention, "well? What were you looking at?"
"Yes, Ponine" Babet sneered, "what're you looking at?"
Eponine sighed, her voice coaxing and mocking at once. "Come on
'Parnasse why don't you all just go home? I don't think Patron-Minette
needs ANOTHER humiliation, do you?"
Claquesous glared at her behind his mask, "shut up, you." He turned
to Montparnasse, "come on, let's get on with this."
Montparnasse nodded, motioning to Guelemer who grabbed Eponine.
She struggled in his grasp for a few minutes before sighing and
allowing herself to go limp, *let them have their fun* she told herself,
*they can't do any real damage.*
However, tonight Patron-Minette were out to prove that brains aren't
completely necessary for a robbery.
The concept of a 'simple robbery', as Thenardier had put it, was clearly
an alien one to Montparnasse. Pointing at a large, elegant armchair, he
commanded Claquesous and Babet to "steal that, it will look good in
my dining room."
The two scrawny men looked at the chair for a minute, and then at
each other, they took this in and thought for a second before
exploding into fits of helpless and hysterical laughter.
"What's the problem?" Montparnasse bellowed.
Babet gasped for air and momentarily managed to calm himself, "you
expect US to lift THAT?" he hooted, "we couldn't lift it if there were two
more of us!"
Montparnasse bristled, "listen" he barked, "I'm in charge here and if I
say pick up the chair, you pick it up. If I tell you to steal a lamp, you
steal a lamp. If I tell you to dance around the table, you bloody well do
it!"
"Well that's all very well" Claquesous replied, "but it's physically
impossible for us to pick it up."
"Fine" snapped Montparnasse, "try and get anything that fits into your
bags."
There was a pause as the two men looked down at their empty hands.
"Erm, 'Parnasse? We seem to have lost the bags."
Montparnasse let out an exasperated sigh, "you left them outside,
didn't you? Do I have to do EVERYTHING?" With that, he flung the
door open muttering to himself.
As he hurried outside, he stopped and turned back to face Claquesous
and Babet.
"Well? What're you waiting for? Come on!"
The thieves hurried out, leaving Guelemer in the living room with
Eponine.
And where, you ask, was Francois all this time? Surely it can't take all
that long to make two cups of tea!
However, for Francois Amoit, this was one of his better moments. He
had scurried into the kitchen, muttering to himself after offering to
make some tea.
The kitchen was dark and as he went in, he almost tripped over a
stool. However, he managed to navigate the fundamental war zone of
things to trip over that was the kitchen. He lit a candle and realised
that this 'war zone' consisted of a stool and a small box that was
inexplicably lying in the middle of the room.
In the dark half-light, he filled the kettle with water from a bucket that
stood in the corner of the kitchen. Then he put it on the stove and
waited for it to boil.
As he waited for it to boil, he took out two mugs and filled them with
tealeaves and added some milk.
He continued to wait for the tea to boil.
As he did so, he opened and closed the window to give himself
something to do.
Having gotten tired of this exercise, he left the window open and
drummed his fingers on the cupboard.
He continued to wait.
The tea stoutly refused to boil.
He waited some more.
The tea ignored him and continued as slowly as ever.
He looked angrily at the kettle, obstinately refusing to boil.
Annoyed, he decided to go back into the living room.
Quietly, he opened the door to see Guelemer, Montparnasse, Babet
and Claquesous standing in front of Eponine.
He hurriedly closed the door and returned to the kitchen, leaning
against the door for support. There were THEIVES! Thieves in his own
house!
He shuddered at the very thought of it.
They clearly hadn't noticed him the first time, so he peeped through
the door again before quickly withdrawing.
They weren't just any thieves, he realised with horror, these men were
members of Patron Minette.
Francois had not heard of the downhill slump that Patron Minette had
recently undergone, as far as he knew, Patron Minette where the
terror of the streets. He took another tentative glance into the living
room.
They may be the terror of the streets but they were somewhat
disorganised. He watched intently as the one who seemed to be the
leader shouted and bawled.
Hurriedly he returned to the kitchen. His thoughts raced, what on
earth was he meant to do? He couldn't escape and leave Eponine here.
Why had the thieves come here anyway? Where they after Eponine?
He thought for a moment, *Eponine Thenardier. Her former residence,
the Gorbeau house. Patron Minette with their leader Thenardier.*
His heart stopped as he thought this over for a minute.
*Their leader Thenardier.*
*The same Thenardier as the infamous tenant of the Gorbeau house
who never pays his rent?*
*The same Thenardier who constantly fights with his DAUGHTER?*
Francois' breathing increased dramatically as did his panic.
*Eponine is associated with Patron-Minette?*
He gasped, frantically scanning the room for a weapon.
*Oh god, I need a cup of tea.*
He looked over to the kettle and groaned in frustration as he realised
that it still hadn't boiled.
His eyes fell upon the still-open window. It was small but he was
confident that he could squeeze through it.
Approaching the window, he stuck his head and arms through it. Next
he pulled himself through it.
This was it, he was getting out now, he just needed to get his legs out.
Ok, he was a little stuck.
Curse it. If he only had one leg, he wouldn't have this problem.
He grunted, trying to pull his trapped legs out into the street.
An old woman passed him; he called out to her, "Madame! Madame,
will you help me please?"
She looked at him slowly, before speaking in an offended tone,
"excuse me, young man, but I am NOT married. I am a
'mademoiselle'." She stalked off muttering something about young
people being rude. Unbeknown to Francois, she was the chief tenant of
the Gorbeau house. Annoyed, he did his best to pull himself through
the window, losing one of his shoes as he did so and tearing his shirt.
His spectacles fell with a clatter to the floor and he searched for them
blindly for a few minutes.
When he found them, he spent a minute or so congratulating himself
on his thin build and ability to find missing glasses.
He then pulled himself up, hearing Montparnasse's shouts from inside
the house, he decided he should try and get help now.
Fortunately the police station was not far from his home, only a few
streets away. However, 'only a few streets' takes a long time to walk
on a chill winter evening when someone is not wearing enough shoes.
Inspector Javert sat at his desk scribbling on a piece of paper. He had
to get this finished within four hours or risk a pay cut. He muttered
something under his breath as he reread his work.
The door of his office was flung open and he stood up in alarm.
"What on earth is going on?" demanded the startled inspector as the
desperate man stood before him.
"Monsieur... I, I-- you see I, um... "
Javert glared at him, "come on, man, spit it out!"
Javert's imposing attitude did nothing for Francois' nerves and he
descended into more stammering.
The inspector looked at the young man, "listen, you dolt, I can't help
you if I don't know what your problem is."
Francois looked imploringly up at Javert, "monsieur... I, they-
Eponine, erm- Patron Minette, they-" he spluttered.
Javert stopped him, "what about Patron Minette?"
"I, well, erm-"
Javert grabbed Francois by the shoulders, "calm down!"
Francois lowered his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Now" Javert looked at him closely, "what is your problem?"
"Patron Minette. They're in my house. It's a robbery."
Within minutes, Javert and Francois were rushing back towards
Francois' house.
Eponine had watched as Claquesous and Montparnasse and Babet had
somehow gotten hold of all the money in the house. Now they were
starting on the ornaments.
"Hey" Babet held up a small painting of Francois in a gold frame, "ugly
feller, isn't he?"
Claquesous chortled, "indeed. That frame should be worth something,
lose the picture, though, you don't want to scare off any customers, do you?"
"Stop that!" Eponine shouted, "come on, why don't you all just go?"
Montparnasse grinned, "but 'Ponine, we haven't knocked you out yet!"
Guelemer looked up, "when ARE we going to knock her out?"
"Oh I don't know" Montparnasse replied loftily, "Whenever I feel the
need I think."
Eponine sighed, where on earth was Francois? Why hadn't he come
out?
*Probably knocked himself out on the kettle.*
In fact, Javert and Francois where currently trying to force their way
through the kitchen window. Francois had eventually managed it but
Javert was having more difficulty.
"How on Earth did you get through this?" he glared at Francois who
was examining the kettle with some dismay.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you wasting your time? Get over
here and help me!"
Francois stared miserably at the kettle.
"Well? What is it?"
Francois looked up, "the water STILL hasn't boiled."
Javert muttered something under his breath before loudly
commanding Francois to help pull him in.
Montparnasse had apparently 'felt the need' to knock Eponine out.
"Guelemer" he instructed, "knock Eponine out."
The large man looked at him sheepishly, "I can't."
Montparnasse looked at him, surprised.
"You can't?"
"No."
"Well for god's sake why not?"
"Well" Guelemer paused, "well, Babet will tell you."
Montparnasse looked over to Babet who looked away and murmered something to the effect that
Claquesous would tell him.
The masked man looked Montparnasse eye to painted eye and spoke
slowly.
"We can't hurt her, she's a woman."
Montparnasse looked at Babet and Guelemer who nodded.
"That's why?" he laughed out loud, "you can't hurt a woman but it's all
very well to grab a woman so she can't move, try to break into her
house and steal her things?"
"We don't make the rules, we just follow them" Babet pointed out.
Claquesous nodded, "it's not our fault they don't make sense."
"Oh really?" Montparnasse allowed a smirk to creep across his face,
"well since you're following the rules let me tell you that I make them
here and that you are going to knock Eponine out now!"
Claquesous nodded reluctantly and approached Eponine. He raised his
hand and brought it down as lightly as possible upon her shoulder.
"Take that, Ponine!" he shouted, then 'noticed' that she hadn't fainted.
He stepped back in mock horror, "my god! She's still awake! I guess
we'll just have to take the loot and run away." He turned to leave but
felt a sharp blow to the head from Montparnasse
"Stop messing around" Montparnasse snapped, "We don't have much
time left."
Indeed they didn't. At that moment, Javert and Francois burst into the
room. The inspector had found that the only way to fit through the window was to
remove his greatcoat and was both of his shoes but looked intimidating
nonetheless.
Francois, who never looked anything like intimidating, looked more
pathetic than usual. His shirt was torn, his usually neat hair was messy
and he too had now lost both boots. Francois seemed almost dead on
his feet, but Javert was standing tall.
He strode towards the door, effectively blocking the exit.
"Now" he smiled, "will you come quietly?"
Montparnasse looked at the gang and nodded. Stepping up to Javert,
he replied, "We intend to make as much noise as is humanly possible.
So there."
Javert blinked before having to cover his ears when the four men
started screaming at the tops of their voices. Guelemer dropped
Eponine, who rushed over to Francois covering her ears.
The screams grew louder, filling the room. The inspector's face was a
picture of irritation. Eponine gave the inspector a worried glance.
"Are you alright, monsieur?"
He ignored her, so she repeated it. Louder.
She continued to ask, getting louder and louder.
He continued to fume silently.
Francois started stammering about something.
The four men continued to shout.
Eponine continued to ask him if he was feeling okay.
"SILENCE!"
Javert shouted as loudly as his lungs would allow. However, Javert was
not Madame Thenardier and not capable of shutting a roomful of
people up merely by shouting.
He decided to take alternative action. Pulling out a gun, he aimed at
the ceiling and fired.
Silence descended upon the room.
Babet, seizing his chance, fell to the floor clutching his chest.
"He shot me!" wailed the gang member, "that's inhumane!"
Eponine groaned, "Babet, he aimed at the ceiling."
"Well he hit me" Babet screeched, "I am a victim of police brutality."
Javert was ignoring him; he clapped handcuffs onto Claquesous and
Montparnasse.
As the inspector moved on, Montparnasse sidled up to Eponine, "come
on, 'Ponine. You wouldn't let your old pals go to jail, would you?"
She snorted, "If it were up to me, you'd hang!"
"You know we could break out, don't you? We'd break out, then I'd
find you and we'd get married." He smiled horribly as she seemed to
shrink away.
"I know you couldn't."
"You know I could. Of course, I might lose interest in you somehow."
She looked at him warily, "how?"
Montparnasse smiled again, "if we didn't go to jail in the first place
then I could go and find my own mistress. I could even do you a
personal favour."
Eponine looked around nervously, lowering her voice, "you mean it?"
"Montparnasse never goes back on his word."
"Well..." Eponine looked doubtful. Suddenly Guelemer caught her
attention. The big man threw himself onto the floor imitating Babet.
"AAARH! He shot me!"
Everyone (except Eponine who stood with a puzzled look on her face)
turned to Guelemer who continued, "shooting TWO men at once,
Javert! What a thing to do!"
Babet stood up and hit Guelemer around the head. "Idiot. He might've
believed me."
"Is- is- isn't it a g-good job that, erm, M. L'insp'- inspector could be
well, be here?" Francois smiled at Eponine, who seemed lost in
thought.
Guelemer rubbed his head and stood up too, offering his wrists to
Javert.
Babet was handcuffed and Javert motioned for the gang to leave as a
cry rose up from Eponine.
"Wait! These men are innocent!"
Everyone turned to the girl. She nodded, he voice was frantic and she
seemed to take a breath every other moment, "they're innocent. Yes,
yes they are."
"What is this nonsense, girl?" Javert was puzzled and annoyed that he
might lose his prey, "I'm trying to work."
"But they're innocent" she insisted, seeming more and more
hysterical, "I'll tell you who the REAL thief is- it's, it's" she floundered
for a second before turning on Francois, "it's him!"
"What? B- but Eponine I-"
"Yes" she nodded frantically, "he's the thief. I asked these chaps to
come to protect me. He's a mass murderer. He confessed to me last
night!"
Javert looked doubtfully at the mouse-like creature standing next to Eponine.
"Don't let the stammering fool you" Eponine continued desperately,
"It's all part of his act. This is a dangerous man, inspector, arrest him."
Francois looked shocked as Javert nodded to himself.
"That would explain" he mused, "how he managed to get through the
window."
Eponine nodded, "I implore you, monsieur, don't let this hardened
criminal get away!"
Javert nodded, uncuffing the four men. Francois stammered out his
protestations as the somewhat misinformed inspector pulled him
outside.
Eponine gave a mournful glance through the window, "it's a pity we
had to do that. He was quite a nice boy."
Montparnasse smiled slyly, "but not as nice as a certain monsieur
Pontmercy, eh?"
She looked up sharply, "what about Marius?"
"Just move back home and everything will be taken care of."
Eponine returned to the Gorbeau house and was surprised at
Thenardier's attitude. He'd clearly been expecting her back. As for
Montparnasse's enigmatic reference to Marius, all became clear a few
days later.
Montparnasse was visiting, chatting to Thenardier when a scream was
heard outside.
She thought nothing of it until thirty minutes later when a knock was
heard at the door. Montparnasse stood up and opened it to reveal a
drenched Marius Pontmercy.
Thenardier scurried up behind Montparnasse and looked pointedly at
Marius. Sitting on the armchair, Eponine pricked up her ears.
"What" he growled, "do you want?"
"Excuse me, monsieur. My apartment was flooded somehow. The chief
tenant said it might take a week to repair."
Thenardier nodded slowly, "so?"
Marius was taken aback by Thenardier's failure to notice what he was
getting at "So I need somewhere to stay."
"And?"
"And... well" Marius shifted uncomfortably, "could I stay with you,
monsieur? I could pay!"
Thenardier smiled warmly, "my boy, you had me at 'I could pay'.
Welcome to my humble abode."
Marius stepped into the apartment and Eponine noticed Montparnasse
distinctly turn 'round and wink at her.
Eponine looked at the new tenant as he unpacked his bags. She
realised for the first time ever that life in the Gorbeau house was not
quite as bad as she might have thought.