I'm trying something a little new for me. This is meant to be read as Abby's high school journal/diary. It's her only real friend, the place where she works out all of the madness in her life. So from now on, each chapter will be an entry in her journal.
I hope you guys like it! Comments and reviews are greatly appreciated.
January 17th
I'm blinking back tears. I just don't understand how she does this to me. Its not fair how she can make me feel so bad. I just want to hit her, yell, scream, cry, die, but I can't.
And it's not fair. I just want to die to get away from this place but I can't. I'm too scared. And there's no one to talk to and no one to count on. It's just me and it always will be. That's how my life is now. She hurts me and I don't know why I care, or why it even matters at all. How can she make me feel so bad when no one else can? Having the power to make me cry, make me suicidal, make me turn to alcohol and self-abuse. Why can she and only few others? It's so not fair.
I just want to die right now. But I'm not very courageous. I'll turn to things that I know will hurt but never enough. Nothing ever hurts enough. How do I know its real? How do I know I'm actually here? I feel the pain but that's it. No one to share with. The pain isn't real. I wish it was. I try to hurt. I really do. There's no words to describe that feeling of disgust. Want to scream, want to throw things, want to claw her eyes out, murder her in her sleep. Want someone to talk to, I want to share myself. I want out of here, as fast as I can. Somewhere, anywhere, away from here. Get me out before I pass.
Spending my life close to her is the worst thing that could happen. Gotta get out no one cares for me. They all want. All they do is want want want. What can I give them? They don't give to me. What is depression? Alcoholism is NOT a disease. It's an escape. Yet the pain is still not gone.
Soon I'm numb all over. I'm numb and much calmer, awake yet dreaming. No way to live.