All We Become

Author's Note: Spoiler Alert!!! This one-shot is set in season 5. If you don't know the situation, look it up. The purpose of this one-shot is to delve a little deeper into one particular (pre-existing) scene, and explores the deeper emotions surrounding it. Props to Jay as per usual, for being her fantastic self and telling me what my fic is truly like, but I'm going to dedicate this to the absolutely amazing Heath Ledger. This one goes out to all those who could find inspiration in all he did, as I have always done. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing One Tree Hill; all rights go to the truly remarkable Mark Schwahn (no pun intended). The only thing I own in this one-shot is the right to look deeper into the feelings of the characters, and try and make One Tree Hill more enjoyable for all you loyal fans out there.

Jamie, at the tender age of four, seems to know too much of the world already.

It is at this age that children are supposed to be constantly asking questions; naggingly tugging on their mother's apron, repeating the question 'Why?'

What if their mind held the answers? What if they knew when to stop better than adults, but thought never-endingly over the answers that adults wish to be blind to?

Children grow up by their examples and lead their future lives by what they are taught in the beginning.What we are blind to is our own choice, but children won't be blind to what we choose to be. We cannot tell them to ignore or forget what troubles us. To turn a blind eye to our fears is to allow such troubles into our children's lives. Where they end up is a result of how they grow up.

How can you ignore that?

Antoine de Saint Exupery:

"And the little prince said to the man, 'Grownups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them.'"

James Lucas Scott woke early in the morning.

In an effort to be extremely quiet, so as not to wake his father, he moved swiftly and silently from his bed, slipping his feet into his slippers as he rose. Tiptoeing down the hall, he made his way to the kitchen to make his breakfast, but came to a halt in the lounge room doorway, only to find his alcoholic father sleeping soundly on the couch… yet again.

Nathan Scott had let himself go. His hair had grown to a phenomenal length for the former Ravens star, and his face had not been shaven for weeks. He carried extra weight on his body that he had never known previously, and the empty beer cans lying around his sleeping place were enough to prove only a little of the excuse his life had become after the accident. The television had been left on overnight, the volume turned to a lower setting, possibly by Haley.

Jamie would have liked to have thought that it was a weird situation to awake to, but unfortunately, this had become the norm for him since his father had been given that dreaded wheelchair that was parked beside the coffee table in the centre of the room. The object marked the beginning of a new life for Jamie and his mother, and the ending of something that had once been so aptly described as 'happy.' It seemed so far away from their current state of living, that Jamie had almost forgotten his father as he had once been, and indeed, also his mother.

Jamie made to move off, but as he did so, his father opened his eyes.

The blue eyes staring over at the small boy made it seem as though Jamie were looking into a mirror, and he wondered for but a moment if he was staring at his future self. He certainly hoped not. Although he couldn't understand, nor hardly be expected to understand, the full extent of the situation, Jamie knew one thing for sure…

'Daddy, I think you drink too much.'

Jamie

It makes Mama sad a lot.

Daddy, why don't you sleep in Mama's bed anymore?

Daddy, do you still love Mama?

Daddy… do you still love me

Daddy, why can't you walk?

Was it my fault?

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Daddy, I wish you could play basketball again.

I know you loved it.

I know it used to make you happy.

I wish it still made you happy, Daddy.

I wish I could play like you, Daddy, because you're my hero.

I wish I could play with you like I do with Uncle Luc.

Daddy, I made drawings of us playing together.

I wish we could do stuff together.

Sometimes I wish Uncle Luc was my Daddy.

Daddy, why aren't you like other Daddies?

You scare me sometimes, Daddy.

But I still think you're the best Daddy.

I love you, Daddy.

Will you please stop drinking, Daddy?

Because then, maybe Mama can be happy again.

I miss her being happy, Daddy.

But most of all, I miss you being my real Daddy.

Is this what your Daddy was like, Daddy?

Is that why he died?

Because I don't want you to die, Daddy.

Please don't die.

It broke Nathan's heart for his four-year old son to be standing there, telling him what he knew to be the truth. He would have given anything for his son to have no idea what drinking was, or the effects it has on those surrounded by someone abusing it, but it was too late for that. He knew he had to do something about his drinking, but he didn't have the strength, nor the courage for it anymore. The alcohol allowed him the sweet sensations of someone who wasn't in control of their life. The alcohol ruled his life, over all else, because he didn't want to be in control, it was too hard.

All that was left was to admit that he had a problem. He couldn't explain to his son that his father was a pathetic loser who couldn't take control over his life and create something better for him to have to live with. He wanted to apologise, but now didn't exactly seem like the right time. He needed to get better before he could show that he truly meant it, else his apologise were simply nothing other than empty threats.

Just ask Haley.

He could barely remember his life before the accident anymore. Hell, he could barely remember anything any more. The only reason he knew that he drank too much at that moment was because he could see the amount of beer cans he had emptied the night before, sitting carelessly and shamelessly around him. A quick estimate of these told him one thing…

'I think you're right.'

Nathan

I wish you didn't have to see me like this, Jamie.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I'm sorry I've ruined you and your Mom's life.

I wish I could be a better father for you.

Because I don't want you to grow up anything like the way I did, son.

I don't want to be my father for you.

But I'm sorry I've become him.

I wish I'd become the father I dreamed of being for you, Jamie.

I'm sorry I'm not.

I'm sorry I drink, Jamie.

This family is a mess and it's all my fault.

It's my fault Mama's sad, Jamie.

And I'm sorry that Mama and I don't talk much any more.

I'm sorry we've fought in front of you.

I'm sorry you have to live with it.

And I'm sorry you're too young to make another choice.

I'm sorry you have to go through your younger years like this.

I'm sorry they're so hard.

Life's not meant to be like this, Jamie.

I'm sorry I made this normal for you.

I'm sorry I'm angry so much.

I'm sorry I can't do anything with you, son.

I want to change.

But I'm scared.

I need you to be brave for me.

I'm sorry that I have to ask you that.

I know it's too much for you.

I wish you could love me without fear.

I hope you can still love me, Jamie.

I'm sorry I don't show it, son.

But I love you.

I love you so much.

Jamie nodded at his father, lowering his head as he realized that his father was actually aware of his faults. He wished that he would do something to make it all better, if he knew all the problems that he was causing. But that was the thing; he wasn't sure whether he could admit to the problems his drinking was causing, or just that he knew that he drank too much. He didn't want to ask. Uncle Luc had told him that his father might get angry a lot more than usual if Jamie asked him too many questions. And he knew for sure that he did not want to make his father angry.

Resigned to the fact that Nathan probably wasn't going to make an opening for further conversation (partly owing to the fact that the amount of beer cans was quite extensive, and a lot of things he could have said probably wouldn't make any sense at all), Jamie turned from the doorway and headed back down the hall towards his bedroom. Removing his slippers and crawling back into bed with the latest book Uncle Luc had bought for him, it wasn't until Jamie was half-way through the book before his tummy grumbled and he realised that he still hadn't had any breakfast.

Nathan stared at the small figure that was his son, lowering his head as he turned his back on his father, and was forcibly reminded of himself emancipating his parents.

Shock enthralled his entire being as Nathan came to realise that (although he already knew that he had become his own father) he never wanted Jamie to go through all that he did, and he never wanted to see his son turn his back on him again, let alone for good. He couldn't bear to think of Haley's response if his own actions drove his son away from them, and it was then that he realised that he already was.

However, Nathan was resigned to the fact that he could do nothing about it for now, without giving a second thought to the fact that all of these problems had only been born out of his own selfish deeds. In an instant, he decided two things; he would think about it more later, and that sleep was probably the best thing for him right now.

And so Nathan Scott closed his eyes once again to all of his troubles, and all those he had caused for his family. He would forget quickly all that had transpired between himself and his son that morning, and so fate lost yet another chance to make things right for the Scott family.

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Gabbi xx