Memoirs of an Emperor
Inspired by a game and the Belisarius series.
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You look at me so accusingly. A person whose ambition soared the highest heights, plumbed the greatest depths, and roamed the farthest reaches of the world.
And what? Is this bad? Does this make me a monster?
Since my humble and earnest beginnings, I knew I was marked for something greater. Something better. I knew I was marked to be the sole ruler of this world. I was confident in my skills and what I did not know, I could attract to my land. Under my outspread hand and clenched fist, I would restore order to this war-torn land, I would build the most breath-taking and beautiful wonders of the world, I would achieve victory and civilization.
To be sure, I was guided by the hand of providence.
Why -- some might say, my mistakes were turned into the greatest of victories. After all, is luck not a skill?
Now Napoleon... He always rubbed me the wrong way. Little Corporal this, little corporal that. Yes, Napoleon, we know you think with your dick already and when his dick told him to build a town on the very spot where my settler was going to be? I knew his dick needed to be cut off.
Painfully.
With a dull knife.
And if a stack of swordsmen is not quite the dull knife, at least it got the job done. Pareeez is mine and with it, the spoils of war.
Don't glare at me. I dare say they enjoyed my vigor! I have never taken an unwilling partner to bed and if I single-handedly repopulated the formerly French countryside, well, all to the better, right?
Rome?
Well, Rome was a mistake.
It was! Blue, purple -- who can tell the difference! I accidentally wandered across the border while drunk in a reconnaissance in force and ended up razing a couple cities. That Caesar, so strict, so ... praetorian.
An honest mistake and he got all puffed up over some backwater towns. It's not like I sacked Rome right? After he called me a gutless wonder with cotton for brains and described all manners of things he would do to me, I decided that when in Roman territory, do as the Romans do. Weren't they famous for conquering and governing conquered territories?
Besides, my advisor, Machiavelli, would never forgive me for squandering this opportunity.
And to be fair, Idid leave the Emperor a city. More like a town, really, and on an island -- you understand, leaving the Emperor his island prison. Yes, yes, the wrong Emperor but it's the thought that counts!
The thought that I had no Navy never crossed my mind.
Absolutely.
Are you questioning my honor? Look, I'll swear on the Bible!
Hey, I'll have you know that just because I'm a godless heathen doesn't mean I'd lie. I may have broken a couple treaties here and there but really, can you keep word with someone who is denying your rightful land and cities? Who is preventing you from achieving your destiny as the ruler of the world?
Of course not.
No, Huanya was not a mistake. He had my holy city! How dare he out-tech me! Plus, his ally Asoka was pissing me off. That peacemonger in charge of cities! And picking on poor Alexander as well.
Of course I like Alexander. He's aggressive... and... aggressive.
Um.
Hang on.
Alright, he was stupid but a stupid leader as another power is a sign from the Heavens. He needed to be cultivated -- as your pet warlord. Not, not --
Obviously, Asoka was also too stupid to live and he didn't have natural stupidity as an excuse either.
What about Huanya? I'm talking about Asoka; pay attention, you numbskull. Oh right -- the holy city. Well, I saw all that gold and I wanted it but you know, those priests. Holy this, holy that, wrath of the heavens. Excuse me, the Heavens have already anointed me Emperor.
So I sacked it.
What's one holy city? There's plenty of others. Unfortunately, Huanya, such a zealot, and he had to be put down like a rabid dog. Asoka, as well. Unqualified as a leader. Incompetent as a leader.
And once there were no enemies to kill, Alexander had unfortunately outlived his usefulness and since he wouldn't give up my rightful cities and go quietly into the night, I helped him along.
Yes, I realize the irony that I'm in the same prison that I had once confined Caesar too.
Once an Emperor, always an Emperor.
I'll rip this empire from you, inch by inch, fingernail by fingernail.
Hmph. Boy, keep running.
Keep running.
And pray I don't find you.