Love and Marriage: A humorous story I've been meaning to write for awhile and finally got around to actually sitting down and writing it. I own nothing except the insanity that ensues in this one-shot. I'm sure I'll post a sequel to the after affects of this fic at some point in this lifetime. Anyway, enjoy!
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"What do you mean you're not ready yet?!" Blair Waldorf exploded into her cell phone.
Chuck Bass flinched at the sudden level of his girlfriend's voice. He pinched the bridge of his nose, growing rather tired of this conversation and said, "Blair, I just think that moving into my apartment while still owning a dorm at college is utterly ridiculous."
"I practically do that now anyway! Why can't we just make it official and have me commute to college instead?" Blair snapped.
Chuck rolled his eyes. "Because then we would never get any sleep and both us would never go anywhere."
"Don't be droll. You and I both know our lives revolve around more than just orgasms and games to play in bed."
Chuck raised an eyebrow. "They do?"
"Stop screwing around!" Blair whined. "Why can't I move in with you?"
"Because it feels too much like marriage." Chuck said exasperatedly, spinning around in his office chair.
There was a long pause before Blair said, "And this is a problem for you? Why is it that marriage is always a problem for you? It's not like we're never going to get married!"
Chuck frowned. "We're going to get married? When did this happen? Where was I?"
Blair gave out an exasperated sigh. "You know what I mean. You know as well I do that at some point we are going to get married."
Chuck rolled his eyes. "Blair, I'd rather not think that far ahead…"
"…Why?" Blair interrupted. "Because you can't stand the idea of spending the rest of your life with me? What am I? A condom? Just something to be used and then thrown away carelessly?"
Chuck felt his heart seize as he realized Blair was starting to get mad, and he really couldn't stand it when she was mad at him, so he responded quickly, "Of course not. I just think that the thought of marriage is a bit silly considering the fact that you and I are both nineteen and we've only been together for six months."
"Oh, I see. So now marrying me is silly." Blair retorted.
Chuck stopped spinning and said slowly, "Noooooo. That's not what I said. What I meant was…"
"…Forget it! I know what you meant!" Blair snapped hanging up the phone.
Chuck pulled the phone away from his ear, blinking at it in confusion before ending the call. "What the hell just happened?" The billionaire muttered to himself.
&&&&&&
"I think the solution to this is obvious." Nate Archibald said upon meeting his friend for lunch. He only agreed to it after Chuck had practically begged him for help on the relationship front. He really had better things to do with his time…Like have sex with Serena but hey, Chuck was his friend so he'd be there for him since he had been there for him. Or at least that's what Serena had told him when Nate had brought up the idea of skipping out on lunch.
"And what solution, pray tell, is that?" Chuck Bass spat, stirring his soda until the ice and beverage began to blur together.
"Ask her to marry you." Nate said in a matter-of-fact way, as if this was the most obvious answer in the world.
Chuck abruptly stopped stirring his soda, making some of the contents spill onto his Armani suit, which he hardly noticed as he stared at his best friend as if he has grown a second head.
"What?" Chuck managed to choke out.
Nate made a "What-are-you-mentally-retarded?" gesture before saying, "Ask her to marry you. It's not like you can use the excuse that you're afraid of commitment, because you've all ready committed yourself."
"But…" Chuck sputtered. "We've only been together for six months."
"Technically, it's been two years of you two doing a fucked up tango of who was going to say that they loved the other first."
"But…" Chuck squeaked. "I don't…Weddings are so expensive and you know Blair is going to want a wedding out of a fairy tale."
Nate once again shot him a look that clearly stated he thought Chuck was a complete nimrod before saying, "You're a billionaire…The richest kid in New York. I think you can afford to splurge."
"Splurge?" Chuck repeated. "Splurge? Nate, Blair and I are both nineteen and she's still in college. When I think of "splurge", I think of renting some good quality porn and buying the best scotch money can buy and calling it a night, not getting my girlfriend her dream wedding."
"Do you realize how heartless you sound right now, man?" Nate asked dubiously.
"I don't care! There's no way in hell I'm getting married to a girl when I'm nineteen! All freedoms are gone with marriage!"
"Freedoms?" Nate repeated stupidly.
"Yeah. You know, inviting strippers back to my place, spending a weekend with the guys, that sort of thing."
"But Chuck, you don't do that stuff anymore anyway." Nate said. "If you really think about it, you and Blair are really all ready married. You come home from work, she's waiting for you, you have dinner and talk about your day, occasionally have a night on the town, have sex and go to bed. All you're doing is making it official."
"But why the hell does everything have to be official? Why do I have to go ahead and waste my money on something just to prove the obvious?"
Nate blinked at his friend. "Chuck?"
"What Nate?" Chuck snapped, running his fingers through his hair, clearly agitated with this whole conversation.
"You do realize that the bride's family pays for the wedding, right?" Nate asked slowly.
Chuck's head snapped up in disbelief. "They do?"
Nate nodded slowly. "Yeah."
Chuck leaned back in his seat, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Huh. That's interesting."
Nate raised his eyebrows. "Does this mean you're going to ask Blair to marry you?"
"Shut up. I'm thinking."
&&&&&&
"Oh what the hell is this?" Chuck asked his friend two hours later as they stood in front of a large display of rings.
"If you want to be real cheap, you could get Blair a ring from one of those vending machines at the super market. But usually, the bigger the ring, the bigger you think of someone. I think if you got Blair a plastic ring it would be your way of saying you wanted to commit suicide." Nate said smugly.
Chuck slowly turned to him and said, "You're enjoying this aren't you?"
Nate grinned. "Yeah. I am actually."
Chuck shook his head. "I can't even believe I'm here. Do you have any idea how much their commercials piss me off?" Faking surprise and slapping both hands on either side of his face, Chuck said, "He went to Jared's!" Mimicking it in a high-pitched voice that made Nate laugh aloud as to turn a few heads.
"Man. At least it's not because you're regretting asking Blair at all. I wouldn't want you to go through with anything you were uncomfortable with."
"Oh bullshit. You would so." Chuck said, looking down at the display case as if he was peering over the edge of the Empire State Building.
Nate chuckled. "You're right. I would. But look at it this way, I'm speeding along the inevitable."
"If you keep talking I'm going to speed up your inevitable death." Chuck said in a sing-song voice.
"Can I help you sir?" A jeweler said, appearing before Chuck at that instant. The man was viewing him with some distaste, which showed that clearly this man just thought Chuck was a teenage hoodlum planning on robbing the place and was just picking out the goodies.
Come to think of it, maybe it was better if this guy didn't know who he was, or else it would probably be all over the headlines: "Bass Billionaire Proposes to Bodacious, Brunette."
"Young man?" The jeweler said in a condescending voice.
Chuck glared up at him. "I'm looking to buy an engagement ring."
The man looked long and hard at him before guffawing. "You must be joking! Our rings are state of the art and very expensive! You couldn't possibly afford what we have to offer here!"
Chuck straightened up and looked the man straight in the eye before saying, "Trust me. Money is not a problem. Now unless you want to miss out on a good profit, I suggest you start showing me some rings before I report you to the head of your department."
The man blinked at him and removed one ring, glowering at him as he said, "$50,000."
Chuck glared at the man. "I'm rich. Not ignorant. You honestly think I'm going to pay that amount for what are probably only pieces of glass made to look like diamonds?"
The jeweler smirked. "I thought you said money wasn't a problem for you."
Chuck gritted his teeth and said, "It's not. I just know how to manage my money, and I'm not willing to waste my hard-earned money on a bawbler like that."
The jeweler showed mock disappointment as he placed the ring back in its case before saying, "That's too bad. I suppose you'll have to choose your ring elsewhere because that, kind sir, is the cheapest ring we have available."
Chuck and Nate both dropped their mouths open simultaneously.
&&&&&&
"Dear God…Where the fuck is she?" Chuck hissed to himself, re-adjusting his tie and glancing around his table nervously.
In order to make up for what had happened earlier, Chuck had invited Blair out to The Palace restaurant, her favorite. However, his girlfriend had yet to arrive, and what with the stupid ring sitting in Chuck's jacket pocket, he couldn't help but feel paranoid that someone would notice him and try to steal the damn thing. He just wanted this whole evening to be over with so that Blair could shut up about moving in with him and go off and brag to her friends about marrying the richest kid in New York.
He knew that he was sounding heartless, and it wasn't like he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with Blair, he did. It was just that this morning he had been perfectly happy with Blair while running Bass Industries. They had been having a pleasant chat that had somehow led to her asking about moving in with him. And if she had only given him a freaking minute to explain he could've informed her that she couldn't move in with him yet because he was attempting to find the best suite in all of New York for them to move in to. But no, the conversation had taken a different route, and now somehow, he found himself up to the test of asking Blair to marry him. There was absolutely no turning back because he had all ready bought the ring and Nate all ready knew what was going on tonight. If it wasn't for the fact that Chuck knew a time machine would cost more than the stupid ring had, he would probably transport himself back to this morning so he could have a fair do-over.
At that instant, Blair sat down across from Chuck, smelling of roses and anger, which only made Chuck fearful for his life because that meant Blair wasn't done being mad at him yet.
"Is there something you'd like to say to me?" Blair asked coolly.
Chuck gaped at her, taken aback that she had gotten straight to the point before saying, "As a matter of fact, there is."
Blair's face brightened. "So you've finally agreed that we can move in together?"
"No."
Blair's face fell. "What do you mean "No"?" Blair demanded, her face turning an ugly shade of red. "Why the hell else did you drag me out here? What else do you possibly have to say to me? That we're breaking up?"
Chuck was about to respond, but was momentarily distracted as Frank Sinatra came on singing, "Love and marriage, love and marriage…They go together like a horse and carriage, listen to me brother…You can't have one…You can't have…You can't have one without the…Other."
"Ohmygawd!" Blair exclaimed. "You are breaking up with me aren't you, you sick bastard! After everything you're just…You're just done!" Blair stood up and Chuck looked at her, still sort of distracted.
"Wait…What?" Chuck asked.
Blair made a noise of disgust and tossed her glass of water at his face, startling the billionaire as water ran down his face and dribbled off his nose, ears, and chin.
"I hope you have a lonely, miserable life you Basshole!" Blair shouted before storming out of the dining room.
Chuck nimbly picked up his napkin and dabbed at his wet face before throwing the napkin down on his plate. "I guess it's a good idea I didn't go with the waiter coming out with the ring then." He muttered.
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"What the hell do you mean you didn't ask her?" Nate demanded.
"Well I was going to ask her, but she jumped to conclusions and thought I was breaking up with her." Chuck said tersely.
"So why the hell didn't you tell her that wasn't it?" Nate exclaimed.
"Because I was distracted that's why!" Chuck retorted.
"Distracted? Don't tell me you were checking out another girl while your girlfriend was accusing you of breaking up with her."
"Of course not! This song came on and I missed my golden opportunity to argue with a "No"." Chuck replied, realizing how totally stupid he sounded.
There was a long pause and Chuck found himself asking, "Nate? Are you there?"
"This calls for drastic measures." Nate muttered, more to himself than to his friend.
"What kind of drastic measures?" Chuck asked. "She all ready hates my guts."
"Recite Shakespeare." Nate said Immediately, as if not hearing Chuck at all.
"What the hell? Shakespeare? Where the hell is this coming from?"
"It's a shoe in for winning your girl back if you recite her some Shakespeare who was the first ever definition of the Love Doctor."
"What do you take me for? Some kind of sap?" Chuck asked angrily.
"If you want to win Blair back, then yes. I do believe you are taken for a sap."
Chuck sighed exasperatedly. "Well in that case, I'm in."
&&&&&&
"This is a stupid plan Nate." Chuck hissed to Nate as he stood underneath Blair's window on the campus of NYU.
"The stupid part was that you couldn't remember where her actual room was. You're positive this is the right one, now?" Nate whispered.
"Of course I'm sure. I've seen that tree every time I've gone into her room." Chuck replied impatiently. "Now what am I supposed to do? Call her?"
"Of course not! She'd only ignore it! You have to do it old school." Nate said.
"…Send her an e-mail?"
Nate smacked his forehead. "No, you idiot. Throw something at her window.
"What if it breaks?" Chuck asked curiously.
Nate rolled his eyes. "It won't break, guys have been doing this for centuries. Here." Nate said, scooping up a medium sized rock. "Throw this at her window."
Chuck stared at the flat rock doubtfully. "This feels like it would break the window."
"It won't. It's light. Just go ahead and throw it." Nate said urgently before hiding in a bunch of bushes next to where Chuck was standing.
Chuck sighed angrily and threw the rock at the window, where a loud crash immediately followed. Chuck glowered at Nate.
"Nice going genius."
Blair appeared at the window at that moment was Nate gave a sheepish shrug.
"Chuck?" Blair called down to him. "What the hell are you doing here? You've all ready broken my heart, you have to break my window too?"
Chuck began to clear his throat when Blair said, "You do realize this is vandalism right? I can have you arrested, you know that, right?"
Chuck shot a disparaging look at Nate who waved his hands at him to continue.
"I can't believe I'm doing this." Chuck mumbled before grandly stepping forward and saying loudly, "But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun." Chuck recited, surprised at how legit the quote had become seeing as he had literally broken her window.
"What? Chuck what the hell are you doing? You know damn well I hate Shakespeare!" Blair spat.
Chuck shot another withering glare at Nate who hissed, "How am I supposed to know this stuff?"
"'Oh but chicks just dig the Shakespeare shit.'" Chuck mimicked mockingly to Nate.
"Who are you talking to?" Blair shouted. "I'm calling the police!"
Panicked, Chuck quickly shouted, "I've grown accustomed to her face! She almost makes the day begin! I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon. Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I was serenely independent and content before we met! Surely I could always be that way again... And yet... I've grown accustomed to her looks, accustomed to her voice, accustomed... to her... face."
Blair stopped abruptly and slowly turned around as Nate hissed, "Where the fuck is that from?"
"My Fair Lady." Chuck hissed.
"Dude. You are a genius." Nate said happily.
"What?" Blair said, her eyes glistening.
Quickly, Chuck recited, "But I'm so used to hear her say, "Good morning" every day... Her joys, her woes, her highs, her lows, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I'm very grateful she's a woman, and so easy to forget! Rather like a habit one can always break... And yet... I've grown accustomed to the trace... of something in the air... Accustomed... to her... face."
"How many times does the guy say "accustomed to her face" in this movie?" Nate hissed.
"Shut up, it's working." Chuck hissed under his breath, never taking his eyes off Blair.
"Chuck…I…" Blair began.
"Yes?" Chuck said expectantly.
"I…"
At that instant, Blair was cut off by the flashing red lights and blaring alarm.
"…Have a fire in my dorm!" Blair shrieked, darting away from the window.
"What?! Wait! Blair! Come back!" Chuck shouted.
But it was too late, Blair was gone, all ready evacuating the building as hundreds of other students raced out of the nearby dorms in a panic.
"What…What the hell…? I had her…I had her." Chuck said, clearly anguished as Nate dragged him away from the building.
"Come on man, you're no good to her if you're dead from smoke inhalation." Nate said.
And then, Chuck pulled a Nancy Karigan right there in the middle of the campus as he began to wail, "Why me?! WHY ME?!!!???!!!!"
&&&&&&
Chuck glanced haphazardly at his watch, waiting for Blair to arrive in front of their usual spot at Central Park. Blair had sounded reluctant to join him at first, but after Chuck had brought up the fact that he had come all the way to NYU to recite quote from "My Fair Lady" to her, Blair had agreed.
"Come on." Chuck muttered under his breath, jiggling his foot impatiently. At this point, the ring in his pocket felt more like a burden, burning a hole in his pocket more than anything.
"Yes? You wanted to see me?" Blair asked, appearing out of nowhere and startling the billionaire.
"Blair. Yes. Sit down. Please." Chuck said quickly when Blair shot him a look of death at being ordered around.
Blair sat down, every inch of her face reading that she was not pleased with sitting next to him on a rickety old bench in Central Park."
Chuck stared at her dubiously before saying, "What song comes to mind when you think of us?"
"Mercy by Duffy." Blair said smugly.
Chuck sighed, deciding he deserved that before saying, "When I think of us, I think of lots of songs that describe us. Like, "Mary's Song" by Taylor Swift and "All We Are" by One Republic. Remember when you used to say those songs reminded you of us?"
Blair hesitated, looking clearly uncomfortable and close to breaking down as she said, "Yes."
"Well, I just wanted you to know that I found a permanent song for us. Instead of two, we have one, and it's officially ours."
Blair raised an eyebrow, trying not to show that curiosity had gotten the better of her as she said, "And what song is that?"
"Love Story by Taylor Swift." Chuck said.
"Why?" Blair asked.
"You know how the other night I told you I had something to tell you?" Chuck asked.
Blair's eyes narrowed slightly. "Yes."
"Well, if you had let me actually say what I wanted to say, then I would've told you this," Chuck said, getting down on one knee before her and reciting, "Marry me Juliet, You'll never have to be alone. I love you and that's all I really know. I talked to your dad, you'll pick out a white dress. It's a love story. Baby just say yes." At the conclusion of this verse, Chuck opened up the blue velvet box, revealing the beautiful stone.
Blair gaped at the box, clearly shocked. She looked from Chuck, to the box, back to Chuck again before stammering, "Did you really ask my dad?"
Chuck nodded. "And your step-dad. Both were pleasantly thrilled and are probably still arguing over whose going to pay for it."
Blair shook her head in disbelief. "But…The other day…You said…"
"…I know what I said. I said what I said because I hadn't bought our suite yet. At first, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go through with this at all."
"So why did you?"
"Because of what I've been through in the past two days. I've argued with a jeweler, proved myself to be a man of money, worked up the guts to ask you only to have you accuse me of breaking up with you. Then I go all the way to NYU under Nate's orders to recite you Shakespeare, and got completely turned around and wondered around the goddamn campus for an hour and a half. Then I had to pull quotes from "My Fair Lady" right out of my ass to not make you leave, and then when I was about to call you down your fire alarm goes off because some idiot doesn't know how to properly put out a cigarette."
Blair frowned. "You don't seem happy about any of those things."
"Would you have been? I wasn't. I hated every moment of it…And then I realized something. I realized that if I didn't truly love you, I wouldn't have gone through all this crap to get to this point in my life with you. My eyes see only you, my ears hear only you, my thoughts are always on you. I've never felt that way about anyone before, and I doubt I ever will again, which is why I went through all this grief…Because I don't want you to slip away. You're important to me, Blair. You always have, and you always will be. And like Cyrus said, life's too short. One of us could wind up dead tomorrow without the other knowing just how much we cared. And sure, I think that buying expensive things like an engagement ring is a bit materialistic, but it all leads up to the bigger picture in life…Me spending the rest of my life with you. I'm ready. Even if I am only nineteen, I'm ready. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm ready to start a family with you and grow old with you…I'm ready. But are you?" Chuck asked.
Blair bit her lip, tears glistening as she said, "Yeah. I'm ready."
"Are you sure?" Chuck asked.
Blair rolled her eyes. "No. I'm actually not. Let me get back to you in about a week." She replied sarcastically.
Chuck grinned and slipped the ring on her finger and she grinned, studying it carefully, making sure it hit the light from the sun just right. "It's beautiful. It really speaks to me." She said breathlessly.
"For $50,000 I sure as hell hope so." Chuck said, sliding closer to her.
Blair frowned. "$50,000?"
"Yeah." Chuck said. "Why?"
"That's it?" Blair asked incredulously.
Chuck frowned at her. "What do you mean, "That's it"? Blair, do you have any idea how much shit I went through to…"
"…Kidding." Blair said, pressing her finger against Chuck's lips with a grin. "It's perfect." She said, kissing her on the cheek.
"Good. Because the wedding is going to be worth half that."
"In your dreams, Mr. Bass. In. Your. Dreams."
END
Hope you liked it! Please review with feedback if you would like to see the chaos that happens with the wedding! I can't promise I'll post it right away, but I can post it as soon as I possibly can, but it will definitely be a separate one-shot from this. Anyway, reviews are love! Thanks for reading!